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Original poster

DM and her teeny tiny meals

252 replies

Trampley · 09/10/2023 10:30

I think my mum has issues with food.

Cooked and served a roast dinner yesterday, she said she wanted a small meal. This is normal for her, as she's permanently terrified of putting weight on. But it's getting daft now.

I served her two small potatoes, a thumb size portion of chicken, two carrot batons, half a parsnip, a tablespoon of mashed swede and half a Stuffing ball.

She didn't eat the potatoes, parsnip or Stuffing. Things I know she loves.

A toddler would eat more!!!

She also commented on the HUGE portion I had, and told her husband he wouldn't POSSIBLY eat all his meal, she kept bloody commenting on HOW MUCH he was eating (normal size!) Until he just stopped eating it.

We went for a walk afterwards, had to turn back early because she was feeling tired. No wonder, she hadn't eaten!

It's annoying me - I'm healthy, I don't overeat but she makes out my portions are so awfully huuuuge.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 09/10/2023 15:01

She has an obsession with food and an eating disorder. She needs counselling.

ohsuzannah · 09/10/2023 15:02

I have a cousin like this. We were constantly hungry when we stayed with her. One day we went shopping and stopped for a coffee. My dd 6 was starving and asked for a bread roll with butter. My cousins face when she saw it! Saying "Aren't we feeding you enough?!"
She proceeded to have a tantrum in the coffee shop 🤦🏽‍♀️
Op I would pull your mum up on the comments every time, and tell her she's being rude!

SecondUsername4me · 09/10/2023 15:03

My dm is the same (63). She had 4x Jacobs crackers with cheese on for her lunch on Friday (that's all!), and then said "it's been ages since ive pigged out like that"

I fucking despair.

Allwelcone · 09/10/2023 15:09

General unhappiness at life I guess, sadly.
A kind quiet word may be in order? Or else a tactful silence. I'm guessing you're happy and healthy in yourself OP and don't find her comments triggering?

IslandsInTheSunshine · 09/10/2023 15:13

TBH I'd suggest she serves her own food when she comes to see you.
Give her a plate and point her in the direction of the meat and veg.
I'd not make a drama out of it.

On another tack, she could have anorexia.

My late MIL developed anorexia in her 70s as part of a complex range of psychological issues and depression.

It's not impossible your Mum has some MH and eating disorder issues and is using food as a means of control around her life. That's for her to sort out, but you might want to ask for father if he's worried about her.

BMW6 · 09/10/2023 15:17

longtompot · 09/10/2023 11:34

She is being really rude. I would tell her she can eat as little as she likes, but she is not to comment on other peoples normal sized portions and if her lack of food impacts on a day out again (ie the walk) then she can go back home and the rest of you will enjoy the rest of the walk.

This ^

In fact I'd tell her that if she can't refrain from making remarks about other people's appetites she can stop coming for any meals at all. Your Dad is still welcome of course.

amicissimma · 09/10/2023 15:26

I've never been a very big eater but since the menopause my appetite has definitely shrunk. I've been the same weight all my adult life (as far as I can tell from the fit of my clothes, I rarely weigh myself), but I make no conscious effort to control my intake - I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm sated. I've always hated feeling 'stuffed', but like a PP I've more desire for fruit and vegetables and less for meat and carbs nowadays. I think I would really prefer to eat more small meals a day (or snack) than a few big ones, but would find it hard to organise that time-wise.

I do feel quite put off and overwhelmed if I'm presented with a huge plate of food. I grew up poor and hate to see good food wasted. But I don't comment on what other people eat (I don't find it interesting) and I wish people would afford the same courtesy to me and not make negative comments about how little I eat. I've plenty of energy and I don't lose weight, so I must be eating enough.

UniversalAunt · 09/10/2023 15:33

‘These are for people who want to lose weight. They aren’t designed for anyone else’

@JustAMinutePleass you are quite right about the text stating how many portions for a sensible male/female weight loss plan.

I found the pro-rata hand size to calculate portion size useful.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/10/2023 15:36

user1471505494 · 09/10/2023 11:44

Low or small appetites along with tiredness can be the result of illness such as heart failure congestive heart failure diabetes or a reaction to medication. I would suggest those making nasty comments about family members appetites look at if is medical first

Yep. My mum began to behave similarly, and it turned out to be the onset of vascular dementia. The disease had damaged the part of the brain controlling appetite and because she had no appetite herself, she couldn’t understand why others were eating what, to her, were huge platefuls. OP I’d check out the medical angle first, just to be sure.

reesewithoutaspoon · 09/10/2023 15:40

My mum does the whole performative " Oh I can't eat all that, only give me half a sandwich" etc etc. But if you go to her house there are bags of sweets, biscuits, and cakes. There is literally no real food in her fridges, maybe some eggs or bacon, but mainly cream cakes, trifle, etc.
She will eat biscuits or cake with every cup of tea, Then proudly proclaim she hardly eats anything at mealtimes

AutumnAuntie · 09/10/2023 15:43

My DM developed a really sweet tooth for the first time in her life in her mid/late 60’s. This was the same time as her Alzheimer’s became really noticeable.

ALongHardWinter · 09/10/2023 15:45

My late DM used to do during the last 10 years of her life. She'd say in horror 'Surely you're not going to eat all that?!' when I had a plate with 2 fried egg sandwiches on. Bearing in mind that I only ate twice a day (still do) it wasn't a huge amount. It made me feel like I was a glutton.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 09/10/2023 15:57

I wouldn't allow her to eat meals with my children. It's not healthy and potentially damaging behaviour for others.

Lialii · 09/10/2023 15:58

Why are you serving her any particular amounts of food? Let her take what/how much she wants?

CowboysAndCowgirls · 09/10/2023 15:59

She's a teeny tiny. She's probably on mumsnet declaring that we've lost sight of what a normal portion size is.

Ignoring these mad bastards is best. I wouldn't cook for her or eat with her.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 09/10/2023 16:15

The good news is that the younger generation isn't so bothered by this. I think the idea that it's superior, moral and desirable to eat very little is an older woman's perspective.

fetchacloth · 09/10/2023 16:17

AutumnAuntie · 09/10/2023 12:49

My friend is like this but she doesn’t comment on what others eat. We went out for dinner and she ordered a side of long stem broccoli and couldn’t finish it all. I’m had steak, mushroom, tomato and triple cooked thick chips.
Some people only need a small amount of food as either they are tiny, messed up their metabolism or don’t move about much.

I once had a friend like this but haven't been out for a meal with her for years. She had this annoying habit of ordering the most expensive dish on the menu and only eating a small amount of the food and then covering up what was left on the plate with a napkin. While the rest of us finished our respective meals she would openly criticise what we were each eating and how bad it was health wise, calories etc.
She drove me fucking mad to the point of not wanting to go out with her for a meal ever again 😒
Our respective menfolk just sat there and said nothing. I think they were both cringing with embarrassment 😳.
Some people have the knack of sucking the joy out of everything in life.

Original poster
Trampley · 09/10/2023 16:17

TrashedSofa · 09/10/2023 12:28

What would happen if you told her to stop commenting on other people's food while she's in your home?

Show quote history

She'd get upset, tell me I was being a bully to her, and probably not eat anything at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trampley · 09/10/2023 16:18

Boating123 · 09/10/2023 12:00

Don't eat with her. Meet up between meals.
Eating should be a joy. I wouldn't want to eat with someone who ruins my enjoyment of a meal.

Exactly, she ruins food!

OP posts:
Original poster
Trampley · 09/10/2023 16:24

NJMAd · 09/10/2023 12:49

My mum is the same age and has always been the same.

I now don't serve her portions at all. I let her do her own.

If for example she served herself 5 chips she would eat them all.

If I was to serve her 5 it would be "Far too much" and she'd have to leave half.

She snacks loads though as clearly fucking starving.

Irony is she's bordering T2 diabetes, even though she's never been much over 10 stone, but I think it's the constant snacking and never letting her blood sugar rest.

"I just can't manage a big meal"

You're going to bloody have to learn how to. As I know for a fact when no one's looking you eat normal amounts.

*If for example she served herself 5 chips she would eat them all.

If I was to serve her 5 it would be "Far too much" and she'd have to leave half*

This is her!!! And she always has to leave something on her plate. And will comment how our plates are empty. It's like she's saying she's SO much better than us greedy pigs.

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 09/10/2023 16:33

My mum is also like this. Every time we go out to eat, she'll say 'oh I couldn't eat a whole portion, I'll just go halves with you.' I hate sharing food - this is well known in my family - and there's not much I dislike more than having to blob out half a pad thai onto someone's side plate in a restaurant. I just want to eat my own pad thai. Also, she has the opposite of 'eyes bigger than her stomach' and one of our biggest rows was when we went out for lunch and she ordered some teeny side dish and I ordered a steak sandwich with chips. When mine arrived her eyes lit up and she said 'you won't be able to eat all that, I'll have your bread.' I said 'I will eat all that, which is why I ordered it, and I will order you some bread of your own.' She wasn't having that and she TOOK MY BREAD ANYWAY, right off my plate, and ate it all in front of me, even though I was livid with her. We had a huge (and quite embarrassingly public) argument and didn't speak to each other for a few weeks!

I do not understand my mother.

lalalasparkle · 09/10/2023 16:33

My (very irritating) MIL does this - it's not connected to ill health in her case, it's simply a way to flag up her slimness/bird-like appetite...

Sweeping generalisation, but I think that women who came of age in the 60s, where skinniness was very fashionable and the general population WAS indeed slimmer overall, can lean towards this type of behaviour. I imagine those born earlier (war babies or post-war) have a more grounded perspective as they'll have been brought up when rationing/scarcity of food was a fairly recent memory. Equally, those born later might have healthier body images/less need to make a song and dance about this sort of thing...

Obviously I'm generalising wildly, and disordered eating (or illness that affects one's appetite) can exist in any generation, but I've noticed this is a bit of a thing - I've seen it with various women from that generation...

AutumnAuntie · 09/10/2023 16:37

I guess as a nation (minus mumsnetters) our portions are too big.

Mrsjayy · 09/10/2023 16:37

Mine survives on biscuits and scrambled egg she will cook for my step dad but its hardly a normal meal it is infuriating she's always been like this and used to survive of cigarettes and coffee !

FofB · 09/10/2023 16:37

This is my MIL. She does have food issues.

However, I shut that s* down asap as I have 2 daughters, 1 who does ballet. Didn't need to listen to her banging on about how 'skinny' legs are the best and because she ate a meal with us, she would need to starve tomorrow.

Eventually, after lots of hints, I waited until they were going to the car and said they wouldn't be invited for a meal again if she kept saying that crap in front of my girls- that the world seems to think it can comment on a womans body, so her own Nan doesn't need to pitch in.

Surprisingly, FIL gave a firm 'quite right' and they got in the car. It isn't fixed but she knows to pipe down when I steer the conversation away from how her favourite one of Strictly is the thinnest one......

It is certainly possible OP that your Mum is now deficient in iron/vitamins and that's why she is so tired......