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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM and her teeny tiny meals

252 replies

Trampley · 09/10/2023 10:30

I think my mum has issues with food.

Cooked and served a roast dinner yesterday, she said she wanted a small meal. This is normal for her, as she's permanently terrified of putting weight on. But it's getting daft now.

I served her two small potatoes, a thumb size portion of chicken, two carrot batons, half a parsnip, a tablespoon of mashed swede and half a Stuffing ball.

She didn't eat the potatoes, parsnip or Stuffing. Things I know she loves.

A toddler would eat more!!!

She also commented on the HUGE portion I had, and told her husband he wouldn't POSSIBLY eat all his meal, she kept bloody commenting on HOW MUCH he was eating (normal size!) Until he just stopped eating it.

We went for a walk afterwards, had to turn back early because she was feeling tired. No wonder, she hadn't eaten!

It's annoying me - I'm healthy, I don't overeat but she makes out my portions are so awfully huuuuge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trampley · 09/10/2023 21:48

FictionalCharacter · 09/10/2023 21:18

OP's mother is 65! Rationing was absolutely not still in force when she was born, let alone for her first few years.
All that stuff about not leaving food is irrelevant. OP's mother was served an absurdly tiny portion and still DID leave most of it.

And none of it excuses her suggesting, repeatedly and rudely, that the rest of the family are eating excessively large portions.

Show quote history

Exactly! She has no experience of rationing...and plenty of food while growing up, no issues there.

It's the drama and attention seeking, and purposefully leaving food on the plate, I know it sounds daft but the comments really spoil the day.

And the rest of us really are eating just usual, standard portions!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 10/10/2023 08:29

The rationing comment makes no sense we have younger women who under eat and post on mumsnet about it

Mrsjayy · 10/10/2023 08:34

My mum is older than the op but was definitely born after rationing ended.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/10/2023 09:06

LoobyDop · 09/10/2023 18:54

Remember that food rationing was still in force when people this age were born, and for their first few years. They were brought up on the idea that leaving food on your plate was about the worst thing you could possibly do, and things like that that are drummed into you as a very small child never really leave you. I think that’s what a lot of the performance is about. When I was a kid, if we didn’t finish food or drink at my grandpa’s house, he’d put it on a shelf and bring it out again next time you said you were hungry- even if it was hours later and the food was congealed and disgusting. My mum and her sisters were made to sit in front of their dinner until they finished it, however long it took.

Food rationing ended in 1954. The OP’s mum is 65, so born 1958/59.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/10/2023 09:06

Mrsjayy · 10/10/2023 08:29

The rationing comment makes no sense we have younger women who under eat and post on mumsnet about it

It's about what's more widespread in particular generations than others. Obviously no generation is going to be completely uniform.

And performative undereating does seem to be more of an older woman's thing. The younger generations have had more exposure to body positivity and a wider range of bodies being presented as normal and attractive. Things aren't perfect, of course, but it's very normal now to see plus size models - and not just tall, flat stomached, Amazonian types, but actual plus size bodies - alongside slim ones in ordinary clothing stores, with nothing to set them apart. Can you imagine that happening in 1995?

rookiemere · 10/10/2023 09:26

Well your appetite naturally decreases as you get older anyway, my DPs clearly think we - and in particular body building, rugby playing teen DS - eat a ludicrous amount.
We don't really go out much for meals anymore, but when we and they did, both of them would complain about the ridiculously large portions.

Portakalkedi · 10/10/2023 09:48

My inlaws were like this, going on about how they hardly ate anything, and implying we (or rather me) were greedy for eating normal sized meals. However, as they thought themselves quite posh, every day they had 'elevenses' with biscuits/cake, 'afternoon tea' with more cake, pre dinner drink with snacks, and were always sneaking off to the kitchen for chocolate etc. One day after yet more snide comments about my 'good appetite' or suchlike, I pointed out that yes, we preferred to just have main meals rather than snacking all day as they did... stunned silence and it was never mentioned again. Maybe your mum has some of these snack type things too that you don't see and can thus eat smaller main meals?

NotYeti · 10/10/2023 09:51

I think your DM might be my MIL. It's very frustrating. Mine is temporarily living with us and it's become very obvious that she has issues with food. She totally does the performative undereating and her focus is mostly talking about healthy foods vs. bad foods (most foods). It's getting a bit toxic as she is constantly commenting on our food's sugar/gluten/dairy/fat content and acting disgusted if something is too sweet for her - and all this in front of our young child. 🙄 She also low-key mocks overweight people and says she mustn't put on weight because she doesn't want to buy new clothes, but the thing is that she is skeletal with a BMI of around 15 so she's clearly not healthy. It's sad and frustrating.

Not sure what to suggest really. I tend to be breezy about it and show my child that I'm enjoying my food (healthy and less healthy) and treats and not make a huge deal about it. MIL does love the attention so I try not to give it to her. She knows she's bordering emaciated and she doesn't need me to point it out. 🤷

(For full disclosure, I had anorexia for around 15 years and have been recovered for maybe 8 years? I'm delighted to say that MIL's behaviour hasn't triggered me and I'm still ok with food and my body, but I do find it pretty bloody annoying.)

FiveShelties · 10/10/2023 09:55

3dogsandarabbit · 09/10/2023 12:07

As you get into your 50s/60s your appetite does get smaller and eating big meals can make you feel uncomfortable. You also become more health conscious and know that you can't get away with eating what you did in your 20s and 30s.

I would rule out any medical conditions OP because tiredness and lack of appetite can be signs of certain illnesses. She should not be commenting on what you eat though.

67 here and no reduction in appetite.

Tinymrscollings · 10/10/2023 09:59

My mother is like this. Performative undereating and being a delicate little sparrow who’d blow over in a breeze is her thing. She has always been very underweight. She now has osteoporosis and very low energy, but has done everything she can to combat her disease apart from the one that would really help; change her eating habits, build strength and put on a bit of weight.

I’ve always been a slim healthy weight on a sturdy frame, but never notably thin. She never really said anything about me directly but I always felt that she would love me a bit more if I was small and delicate. It was particularly hurtful in the years where I was pregnant and breastfeeding. It was during that time that I realised that her obsession with tiny meals and tiny people was actually disordered eating rather than everyone else being disgustingly greedy. Sometimes needing a ham sandwich at 3pm when you’re breastfeeding a newborn is indisputably normal. Being a few pounds overweight for a bit after giving birth is so, so normal. She couldn’t see it, but for the first time it made me see clearly how odd her attitude is.

Interestingly, for a brief and horrible period of high stress with a sick child, I worried away a stone and was bordering on a bit too thin. She was frantic for me to put that weight back on. Partly because she was worried about me, I’m sure. But I think there was a big part of her that didn’t want anyone else muscling in on being the skinniest person in the room. She gets a lot of attention and positive reinforcement from other women her age about how she’s ‘kept her figure’.

I wouldn’t give it any attention or headspace, OP. It’s not normal or healthy.

Dogfureverywhere · 10/10/2023 14:22

My MIL was like this most of her adult life. Tall and slim, she used smoking and ED to keep her weight down. When she lived with us for a short while I used to find empty chocolate wrappers and laxative packets in her bathroom bin. She looked after her grandaughters 2 days a week and we found out later used to make veiled comments to both about their weight and what they ate, and they both sadly went on to develop EDs/body dysmorphia. If I could roll time back I'd never have left them in her care, especially at mealtimes.

BMW6 · 10/10/2023 14:42

Those of you who have children and a performance under-eater, PLEASE don't let it affect your children.

What on earth could they be saying when you're not around to stop them?

FictionalCharacter · 10/10/2023 16:11

BMW6 · 10/10/2023 14:42

Those of you who have children and a performance under-eater, PLEASE don't let it affect your children.

What on earth could they be saying when you're not around to stop them?

100%. I’ve just watched the documentary about body shaming and EDs in ballet schools. There was a psychologist who treats young people with EDs. She said (as we should all know by now, and several people on this thread have said is their own experience), it can take just ONE comment to trigger an ED. One.

CatNoBag · 10/10/2023 18:16

My mother has started being a little like this (in her 80s now). If I make food or show her something I made previously, she'll exclaim it's 'a plateful', though she does always eat everything I give (and having asked for just a small portion, often asks for seconds). If she has a big meal, she'll eat sparingly for a day or so after this, or go for a mega long walk (which is admirable at her age!). She will also complain I'm cooking too much food when I cater for the whole family (we're a big crowd), but usually the table is completely cleared of food by the end. As I said we are a big family with hearty appetites, and she always made mounds of food when we were growing up and when we all got together previously, but lately you have to be careful not to take too much mash/carrots/gravy etc or there's a danger there won't be enough to go round, even the grandchildren have noticed 😂

Pr1mr0se · 10/10/2023 18:51

I think it's an age thing too. Mine replaces meals with a milky coffee. So your DM is doing well!

Stillwaitingfor · 10/10/2023 19:22

My MIL literally put her head in her hands when she saw the size of my burrito wailing "oh no! Oh just can't! Oh no!"

I took great pleasure in eating the entire thing.

H007 · 10/10/2023 20:31

Sounds like an eating disorder, and she is trying to talk herself into believing what she is saying.

mbosnz · 10/10/2023 20:36

My Mum is like this. She is 85, and just cannot for the life of her understand why people eat and drink differently from her. If they'd only do it her way. . .

Thing is, she is 85. She has different energy levels, and calorie needs. We've seen her at our stage in life, and it was very similar to what we absorb now.

I had my sister say to me with great sadness in her voice, 'Mum hates any kind of fat. On anybody'. And she's right, she sees us as a reflection on her.

But what she calls fat, and hates, is actually (according to other people knowing us and seeing photos, because quite frankly, we have no concept) normal.

So I'm going to live my way, encourage my siblings and my children to do the same, and she can take her personal toxic hang ups to the grave with her, where they belong.

Because I'm sick of others, including myself, suffering and apologising for them.

onaroll · 10/10/2023 20:38

‘Mum, I appreciate you have issues with food & portion, I try to accommodate them as best as I can out of respect to you. Please do not push your issues onto everyone else sat around the table, therefore spoiling everyone else’s enjoyment of their meal - thank you’ .

Thanksforreading · 10/10/2023 20:41

Hopefully it’s just vanity for her and nothing health wise wrong with her! My dad went from eating lots, to eating very healthy food and small portions, we found out a month later it’s because he found out he had cancer and was was trying to be good. He’s much better now.

FictionalCharacter · 10/10/2023 20:56

onaroll · 10/10/2023 20:38

‘Mum, I appreciate you have issues with food & portion, I try to accommodate them as best as I can out of respect to you. Please do not push your issues onto everyone else sat around the table, therefore spoiling everyone else’s enjoyment of their meal - thank you’ .

Oh that is good!

Turquoise123 · 10/10/2023 21:08

I get this from my mother in law “ we don’t each much now” actually l did not ask serve yourself

Turquoise123 · 10/10/2023 21:08

I get this from my mother in law “ we don’t each much now” actually l did not ask serve yourself

onaroll · 10/10/2023 21:14

Thank you 😊

Meowandthen · 10/10/2023 21:19

3dogsandarabbit · 09/10/2023 12:07

As you get into your 50s/60s your appetite does get smaller and eating big meals can make you feel uncomfortable. You also become more health conscious and know that you can't get away with eating what you did in your 20s and 30s.

I would rule out any medical conditions OP because tiredness and lack of appetite can be signs of certain illnesses. She should not be commenting on what you eat though.

That is no excuse for drama and the shocked comments.