DM and her teeny tiny meals

[Trampley]

I think my mum has issues with food.

Cooked and served a roast dinner yesterday, she said she wanted a small meal. This is normal for her, as she's permanently terrified of putting weight on. But it's getting daft now.

I served her two small potatoes, a thumb size portion of chicken, two carrot batons, half a parsnip, a tablespoon of mashed swede and half a Stuffing ball.

She didn't eat the potatoes, parsnip or Stuffing. Things I know she loves.

A toddler would eat more!!!

She also commented on the HUGE portion I had, and told her husband he wouldn't POSSIBLY eat all his meal, she kept bloody commenting on HOW MUCH he was eating (normal size!) Until he just stopped eating it.

We went for a walk afterwards, had to turn back early because she was feeling tired. No wonder, she hadn't eaten!

It's annoying me - I'm healthy, I don't overeat but she makes out my portions are so awfully huuuuge.

You’re forgetting that for some MNers, all shitty behaviour is caused by either dementia, autism, ADHD or menopause.

She has disordered eating.
Tell her straight… don’t comment on food, what I’m eating or how much. It’s rude and unhealthy don’t do it in my house.

my sister obsesses over food, she has an eating disorder 30+ years and it drains me, so I can only imagine how it is for her BUT we don’t have any of that when she comes, it’s not a point of discussion or conversation. Everyone eats what they would like and everyone else minds their own business.

Some MNers, myself included, have actual experience of exactly the type of behaviour displayed by OP’s mum turning out to be the early onset of vascular dementia. The area of the brain controlling appetite is progressively damaged, the appetite diminishes and the sufferer regards normal sized portions as overeating. My mum is in the later stages of the disease and weighs about 5.5 stone. If I give her anything but tiny portions she says I’m trying to make her fat. The OP’s mum is the right age for this and given that we’re urged to be on the lookout for this kind of thing, I’m surprised at how easily people dismiss it in favour of the person just being difficult.

Back in the day I had a Saturday job in a bakery. We just called it current square/slice. Some people called it fly cake or dead fly pie.......grim😕

🤣🤣 this sounds the best bet OP

I actually did lol at your last sentence

Dh has a friend who's wife is like this. She is competitive though in every way. I have had bulimia most of my life and stopped the vomiting and then promptly put on a fair bit of weight as the bingeing went unchecked. She came to stay with us, looked me up and down in horror and said; 'I can see I shall have to teach you how to eat properly!'. This was in reaction to absolutely nothing said on my part except for 'How nice to see you again'. Then the first morning I made at her DH;s request a bacon butty for breakfast and she ostentatiously cut it into thirds, took one third, and handed the rest back to me and said 'Now THIS is a correct portion'.

Many people are competitive under eaters. It's something they can control when they may feel out of control in other areas. It is occasionally something they can feel superior about. It may be as a result of a medical condition. It's okay to have a small appetite. It's never okay to be an arse to everyone else about it.

My daughter has an eating disorder and acts like this..always wants a tiny portion or request to skip dinner on school days (I refuse)

My mum is like this now. She eats like a mouse. Doesn't eat pudding except ice cream if she's out. She used to adore bread and butter pudding and spotted dicj but not any more.

My appetite has decreased vastly over the past few years. I get to a point of eating and I just can't face any more, much as I want to. I've lost stones in weight (had it to lose TBH).

I'm happy to be so much slimmer than I've been in many years but I miss being able to eat what I want.

I don't comment on others though.

If there's even a possibility this is genuinely all she can eat and if she's getting easily fatigued, I'd try to persuade her to see her GP. An inability to eat more than a tiny amount before being full plus tiredness can be a sign of illness its unwise to ignore.

The commenting is out of order but 9 stone is an ok weight unless she is incredibly tall.

She came to stay with us, looked me up and down in horror and said; 'I can see I shall have to teach you how to eat properly!'.

@SilverBlueRabbit WTF!!! omg, I'd have asked her to leave there and then. Nobody speaks to me like that in my own home! Absolute cheek of her. She's have been booted back out without time to unpack.

Tell her she can serve herself with whatever portions she wants, but she's being extremely rude commenting on everyone else's portions, tell her she should either seek medical help or counselling for her disordered eating, or stop being sorude and button it/ Her choice - otherwise she is not welcome to 'eat' with you.

She's never been allowed back. Even DH (things like this tend to go over his head) was askance. She's a very competitive person though and likes to one up all the time. It's a bit sad really a she can't be comfortable in her own skin. No-one who behaves like that can be I think.

My mum is the same and has been my entire life. I just ignore it. She does eat but just about enough to sustain a squirrel.

If people are allowed to help themselves, they can’t complain about being given too much. Personally I dislike ‘plating up’ - it never happens in this house.
I’d certainly tell the MiL that commenting on what other people eat is way out of order, though.

Do these "performative" under eaters stuff themselves on the sly or are they truly living on only tiny amounts of food? I'm wondering if the latter how they're not starving to death or having major health issues due to starvation?

They vary. I have several in my family. A couple of them eat secretly (they aren't overweight but they aren't as thin as their performative eating would make them and I've caught them a few times - not trying to, just accidentally). A couple of then have had anorexia and really do eat very little but make a massive show of it in front of people. They're absolutely miserable people (as you'd expect, anorexia doesn't make you happy) and I'd rather be fat.

They're all disordered, obviously. That's not their fault, I know, but I really do hate the way they try to involve everyone else in it. I know that's part of the illness but after years and years and years of scenes, tears, comments and attempts to ruin meals and events, sympathy does start to wane. I wish they'd just stay home.

ZOMBIE THREAD

You eat a whole brain? In one go? Goodness me! How gluttonous. I just lick the prefrontal cortex, I absolutely couldn't eat even half a brain.

Did she comment on your meal? Make you feel like you were eating too much?
if not I would leave her to it.
she’s old enough to be in charge of her own intake.

id be pissed if she served me a mini meal.

My aunt who has a history of anorexia and bulimia is now in her 70s and she is ill. Her heart is now starting to show issues. She is definitely performative. She once called my growing-teen cousin a fat greedy pig for eating a whole banana. When you hug her you fear her bones might shatter. I worry about her and again she cannot be happy. I think her pleasure comes from monitoring others. We went around for dinner once and she served 5 fillets of salmon, a spear of tenderstem broccoli and a tablespoon of mashed sweet potato...... between 7 adults and 2 children.

The woman I mentioned upthread during her stay loudly (and pointedly) bemoaned at length how she would have to go on a diet 'now she was nearing 7 and a half stone'. DH and I both called bollocks on that. She's the same height as me and wears a snug size 12, so slim but there was no fucking way she was under 8 stone (cue the animated shock horror at the thought of it she expressed). That was again about trying to instruct me because I was about 12 stone at the time. FWIW I had in 18 months gone from 8 stone at to 12 stone so I had a fairly good idea of what under 8 stone looks like. I know people carry weight differently, but I truly think again it was competitive bollocks. She was only staying with us for a long weekend so I have no idea if she stuffs herself secretly, but when we went out one night she busily cut her husband's plate of veal and vegetables up and put a portion on her bread plate which was her meal.

ahah! It is a zombie thread and Ive already told my same old stories on it!!

In threads like these where we're sharing stories and commiserating and feeling comforted by others having the same issues (performative under eaters in the family in this case), I don't think it matters that it's a zombie thread. That’s more relevant where the op has asked for advice on a specific, time-sensitive issue and there's no point giving advice 3 years later.

My DM under eats for Britain now, just as her own mother did and she mocked her for it at the time. Constantly points out other people's weight in the exact same way too, and seems to equate fat with moral failing. She had a mince pie with a hot drink at the weekend and then kept telling me how bloated she felt afterwards. Her familiar refrain is 'I don't need that'. 'I don't need all these chips, you have them go on', 'I don't need a biscuit' etc . Ok you don't need it I asked if you'd like one. Constantly denies herself any pleasure, not just from food but from having the heating on or buying herself a magazine that she likes because it's 'too expensive' - she has plenty of money. She looks grey and has starved away any lean tissue she had. It's a sad way to live.

This thread just reminds me that it is really important to be kind to yourself (give yourself a generous portion of food, treat yourself if you can afford to etc) - in order to be a pleasant person to be around. An extra reason to enjoy things - yay!
I had a reverse experience of some of you with my dm. She was always very twitchy around food (when my dad cooked for a party - "there's too much food on the table - no-one wants to see this much food", "I don't want any now" etc etc), and a history of anorexia in her teenage years. Since she's developed dementia she can no longer remember when she ate. So she might be enjoying a snack and having a bit extra, and saying "we won't need any dinner now", but then by dinner time she has forgotten and so has her dinner. I am very defensive of her when my dad complains that she needs new bigger trousers - she can't monitor her intake like she used to, and personally I like to see her enjoying nice things and eating to her appetite. Plus I think her new slight increase in weight makes her already pretty face look really lovely. (She's a total darling and I love her to bits... I may be biased but I think she's beautiful).