DM and her teeny tiny meals

Trampley · 2023-10-09T09:30:18+00:00

I think my mum has issues with food. Cooked and served a roast dinner yesterday, she said she wanted a small meal. This is normal for her, as she's permanently terrified of putting weight on. But it's getting daft now. I served her two small potatoes, a thumb size portion of chicken, two carrot batons, half a parsnip, a tablespoon of mashed swede and half a Stuffing ball. She didn't eat the potatoes, parsnip or Stuffing. Things I know she loves. A toddler would eat more!!! She also commented on the HUGE portion I had, and told her husband he wouldn't POSSIBLY eat all his meal, she kept bloody commenting on HOW MUCH he was eating (normal size!) Until he just stopped eating it. We went for a walk afterwards, had to turn back early because she was feeling tired. No wonder, she hadn't eaten! It's annoying me - I'm healthy, I don't overeat but she makes out my portions are so awfully huuuuge.

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/10/2023 10:35

How old is she? I ask because I've seen this happen with my own mother (she passed away in 2017), who all my life had loaded our plates - suddenly, she was on tiny amounts and making comments about others' portions!

I learnt to ignore it. What was also happening was that she and my Dad were snarfing down snacks - usually cake and biscuits - between meals, so it was no surprise that they weren't eating proper meals. They also had "supper" (quite common with older, Northern folk) about an hour before bedtime - this was sugary cocoa with biscuits or a packet of crisps each!

barbarahunter · 09/10/2023 10:37

My mother was the same, complete with pantomime gestures of horror when presented with a smallish plate of food. Just ignore it.

Original poster

Trampley · 09/10/2023 10:39

barbarahunter · 09/10/2023 10:37

My mother was the same, complete with pantomime gestures of horror when presented with a smallish plate of food. Just ignore it.

It's so over the top, like actually gasping at the TINY plate - is she trying to convince herself?!

I haven't said anything but next time she can serve herself. She can outraged at her own serving.

OP posts:

Littlefish · 09/10/2023 10:40

The constant comments about everyone else's food, combined with what sounds like disordered eating would worry me.

My mother has had an eating disorder/disordered eating for the last 45 years. It seems to go in cycles, where it is better managed at some points than others.

What is your relationship like with your mum? Dad?

Would you be able to discuss your concerns with either of them?

Original poster

Trampley · 09/10/2023 10:40

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/10/2023 10:35

How old is she? I ask because I've seen this happen with my own mother (she passed away in 2017), who all my life had loaded our plates - suddenly, she was on tiny amounts and making comments about others' portions!

I learnt to ignore it. What was also happening was that she and my Dad were snarfing down snacks - usually cake and biscuits - between meals, so it was no surprise that they weren't eating proper meals. They also had "supper" (quite common with older, Northern folk) about an hour before bedtime - this was sugary cocoa with biscuits or a packet of crisps each!

She's 65, not old at all!

That's a good point, she could be snacking beforehand. But then she got tired quickly - ruined the day.

OP posts:

Blackcoffee1 · 09/10/2023 10:42

Frankly, with the walk thing, I would say to her “You’re tired because you barely ate anything. Here are the keys, you turn back. I’m going to finish my walk.”

Blackcoffee1 · 09/10/2023 10:43

You could also try the following response: “Oh dear mum, it’s very rude to comment on what other people are eating.”

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/10/2023 10:49

Trampley · 09/10/2023 10:40

She's 65, not old at all!

That's a good point, she could be snacking beforehand. But then she got tired quickly - ruined the day.

Show quote history

Fair enough - I'm 65 and like a good portion on my plate!

My cousin's mother, who died recently aged 86, was paranoid about putting on weight for years and as a result ate very little at meals.

Whataretheodds · 09/10/2023 10:52

My mum makes these comments sometimes. I shut them down immediately and will be having a word to tell her that I won't have that chat when my child arrives. I had an eating disorder when I was a teen and I can't stand diet chat/portion comments at mealtimes.

Justleaveitblankthen · 09/10/2023 10:55

My own appetite reduced massively with the menopause (I know it doesn't happen to everyone 😬) and I feel full on child sized potions.

I think this is far more likely than it being a 'vanity thing' at 65.
At 54, I definitely couldn't give a stuff anymore 😂

It can also be a sign of certain illnesses, so I would be vigilant.

Original poster

Trampley · 09/10/2023 11:00

If she wants to eat less, that's her concern but it's the bloody drama around it I find so grating!!!

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Glitterblue · 09/10/2023 11:01

My mum is exactly like this and has got worse over the years. She is always around 7.5 stone, sometimes only 7, but if she starts to creep over 7.5 she puts herself on a diet. She weighs herself every Saturday morning and gets my dad to as well and always asks him what he weighs and has him cut out sweet stuff altogether if he even gains 1/4 of a pound. He’s allowed precious little sweet stuff as it is! If they’re having a supermarket pizza, one of the frozen ones that is really not all that big when it comes out of the box, it lasts 2 of them 2 meals, and one chicken breast also lasts 2 of them 2 meals. One time with my sister and her family were up, we were having tea at the holiday cottage they were renting and they’d got pizzas in. They were doing a whole one for each person - again the supermarket frozen size - and my mum looked at my plate and said “will YOU eat all THAT?!” She’s constantly commenting about other people’s weight and what they eat and she’s also always exhausted. She barely eats any calories at all.

Original poster

Trampley · 09/10/2023 11:12

Glitterblue · 09/10/2023 11:01

My mum is exactly like this and has got worse over the years. She is always around 7.5 stone, sometimes only 7, but if she starts to creep over 7.5 she puts herself on a diet. She weighs herself every Saturday morning and gets my dad to as well and always asks him what he weighs and has him cut out sweet stuff altogether if he even gains 1/4 of a pound. He’s allowed precious little sweet stuff as it is! If they’re having a supermarket pizza, one of the frozen ones that is really not all that big when it comes out of the box, it lasts 2 of them 2 meals, and one chicken breast also lasts 2 of them 2 meals. One time with my sister and her family were up, we were having tea at the holiday cottage they were renting and they’d got pizzas in. They were doing a whole one for each person - again the supermarket frozen size - and my mum looked at my plate and said “will YOU eat all THAT?!” She’s constantly commenting about other people’s weight and what they eat and she’s also always exhausted. She barely eats any calories at all.

Mum does this with supermarket meals! Makes them last and 'allows' her DH treats, but comments on everything.

I know she weighs herself every day and she likes to be no more than 9 stone. Always commenting about the size of people.

OP posts:

Graciebobcat · 09/10/2023 11:26

My MIL is a bit like that sometimes, and vastly underestimates (or perhaps has views on) how much other people should be eating. Much worse since she lost weight a few years ago. Usually we can serve ourselves when we go round for food and there is enough, but sometimes she does things like give people a spoonful of scrambled egg and one slice of toast for lunch (this was when I was breastfeeding) and DDs (hungry and slim teenagers) always say she has given them a really small amount when they have had lunch there. Money isn't an issue.

I'm the opposite and would hate anyone to go away hungry!

GnomeDePlume · 09/10/2023 11:32

IME performative undereaters are almost always secret snackers. If they genuinely only ate the tiny quantities they publicly ate they would fade away to nothingness.

'DM, your comments are rude. Please stop.'

On repeat.

longtompot · 09/10/2023 11:34

She is being really rude. I would tell her she can eat as little as she likes, but she is not to comment on other peoples normal sized portions and if her lack of food impacts on a day out again (ie the walk) then she can go back home and the rest of you will enjoy the rest of the walk.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 09/10/2023 11:41

Blackcoffee1 · 09/10/2023 10:42

Frankly, with the walk thing, I would say to her “You’re tired because you barely ate anything. Here are the keys, you turn back. I’m going to finish my walk.”

Yep - why let her ruin the day? Just send her back. Gives her a chance to nick your biscuits anyway.

user1471505494 · 09/10/2023 11:44

Low or small appetites along with tiredness can be the result of illness such as heart failure congestive heart failure diabetes or a reaction to medication. I would suggest those making nasty comments about family members appetites look at if is medical first

NoMor · 09/10/2023 11:50

My mother is like this when there are other people around. "I can't possibly eat all this!" then spends the evening when she's at home eating pastries. My MiL too. Never makes enough for meals then claims at the end that she thought she hadn't cooked enough but it was just enough. No it wasn't just enough, it's all gone which means it wasn't enough. And who doesn't add more veg when they didn't think it would be enough! And you should have heard the two them when I had a slice of cake a week before my wedding...!

SurprisedWithAHorse · 09/10/2023 11:53

It's performative undereating. Fine just to eat little if that's what you want, but the running horrified commentary on what everyone else is having and ruining the meal for everyone is the obnoxious performative part.

It's a disorder and there's nothing you can do except refuse to engage or allow it to spoil things for you. Tell her it's her business what she eats but it's not fair to spoil meals for everyone else, and then just ignore. Act like the shitty comments aren't happening, eat what you want, don't say anything except how delicious the food is. She wants recognition for her superiority in not eating or the satisfaction of knowing she's successfully shamed you and she'll stop if she doesn't get it.

usernother · 09/10/2023 11:54

user1471505494 · 09/10/2023 11:44

Low or small appetites along with tiredness can be the result of illness such as heart failure congestive heart failure diabetes or a reaction to medication. I would suggest those making nasty comments about family members appetites look at if is medical first

That's fair enough if it's because of a medical reason but it's still not a reason to comment on the amount of food other people are eating.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 09/10/2023 11:56

Glitterblue · 09/10/2023 11:01

My mum is exactly like this and has got worse over the years. She is always around 7.5 stone, sometimes only 7, but if she starts to creep over 7.5 she puts herself on a diet. She weighs herself every Saturday morning and gets my dad to as well and always asks him what he weighs and has him cut out sweet stuff altogether if he even gains 1/4 of a pound. He’s allowed precious little sweet stuff as it is! If they’re having a supermarket pizza, one of the frozen ones that is really not all that big when it comes out of the box, it lasts 2 of them 2 meals, and one chicken breast also lasts 2 of them 2 meals. One time with my sister and her family were up, we were having tea at the holiday cottage they were renting and they’d got pizzas in. They were doing a whole one for each person - again the supermarket frozen size - and my mum looked at my plate and said “will YOU eat all THAT?!” She’s constantly commenting about other people’s weight and what they eat and she’s also always exhausted. She barely eats any calories at all.

Yeah, my performative undereating relatives would say "are you eating all that???" to whatever it was. I just said yes and then did, even if I didn't actually want it. I ignored the bulging eyes and ridiculous spluttering, made conversation about other things with other people and just didn't even make eye contact unless she was talking about something else. It worked.

Graciebobcat · 09/10/2023 11:56

user1471505494 · 09/10/2023 11:44

Low or small appetites along with tiredness can be the result of illness such as heart failure congestive heart failure diabetes or a reaction to medication. I would suggest those making nasty comments about family members appetites look at if is medical first

Yes, my dad had a small appetite due to heart failure. He was also extremely ill. I think what the OP and others are describing is far more likely to be ED or disordered eating than heart failure.

ActDottie · 09/10/2023 11:58

Both my parents are like this. They’ve recent done the Zoe tests and now won’t eat certain foods and everything has to scanned into the app. Personally I think it’s gone way too far.

SueDonnym · 09/10/2023 11:58

That amount of food is prob ok -but because she isn’t exercising. Does she sit about a lot?

Tell her you all exercise regularly and need food not sit about all the time like her.