DM and her teeny tiny meals

[Trampley]

I think my mum has issues with food.

Cooked and served a roast dinner yesterday, she said she wanted a small meal. This is normal for her, as she's permanently terrified of putting weight on. But it's getting daft now.

I served her two small potatoes, a thumb size portion of chicken, two carrot batons, half a parsnip, a tablespoon of mashed swede and half a Stuffing ball.

She didn't eat the potatoes, parsnip or Stuffing. Things I know she loves.

A toddler would eat more!!!

She also commented on the HUGE portion I had, and told her husband he wouldn't POSSIBLY eat all his meal, she kept bloody commenting on HOW MUCH he was eating (normal size!) Until he just stopped eating it.

We went for a walk afterwards, had to turn back early because she was feeling tired. No wonder, she hadn't eaten!

It's annoying me - I'm healthy, I don't overeat but she makes out my portions are so awfully huuuuge.

This is a mental health issue. sometimes when people get old they know this is something they have no control over, they get frightened of dying and therefore want to find something they can exert control over. and this is food. would you say something to an anorexic? or an over eater? There is a lot written and discussed about teenagers with ED but virtually nothing said about older people.

Just to clarify, one of the early signs of ovarian cancer is feeling full. Because of the bloating, another symptom, women often think they are putting on weight. Other symptoms include water retention and aching in legs. It also causes chronic fatigue. But all these symptoms can easily be attributed to advancing age. It’s known as the silent killer because symptoms are so vague.
If your DM has only recently started restricting her eating then may be worth asking a few questions. If she has always been like this then ignore the above.

My Nan was the same and could only eat very small portions of food due to some health problems - but she wasn’t obsessed with her weight and didn’t make comments on anyone else’s portions. She genuinely could only eat small amounts of food.

I’ve known many competitive under eaters over the years and you always know because they are the ones who make comments and gush about a tiny plate of food and make everyone else feel bad.

At 65 your DM is probably considerably less active than years gone by and is concerned about weight gain. Post menopause can be a minefield for some ladies with reduced metabolism and risk of unwanted weight gain too.
Also the media is continually banging on about obesity and fat shaming which just adds to the anxiety for women who gain weight too easily 🤔
You're right to be concerned though. My concern would be if she has some illness she's worried about and feel she can't tell anyone. Maybe it's time for a quiet chat just to be sure 😊

She needs to get tested for osteoporosis and - if she won't eat more - at least start taking some supplements and do some weight bearing exercises.

Same here! I'm the same size as I was 30 years ago. My father is 90 and stacks it away like the best. When we go to the Toby carvery the staff must be horrified what we can get through.

As you get older you have to eat less or become obese. Of course there are exceptions - but that's the usual position. That is a very carb heavy meal. I'd have liked something green on my plate. Unfortunately when you can eat little you may be lacking in nutrients and therefore get tired easily. I wouldnt be commenting on what other people were eating but I wouldnt have been happy with that meal.

My mum has a small dinner but then always has pudding and she snacks throughout the evening. I have a dinner 3 times the size of hers, but no pudding and no snacks. Yet she always makes out I'm being greedy! I just ignore it now. But it is annoying.

I had to laugh when a pp mentioned supermarket pizza's. I had a whole one and she actually gasped and said "but they are meant for a family of four" (and she meant without any sides!).

I didn't eat well as a kid. She'd give us tiny dinners and I'd end up filling up on biscuits/cakes and sweets. So she's been like this all her adult life I think. All you can do is ignore. I don't think anything else works.

Just tell her that while you'll respect her decision to eat small portions, and will happily respect cater to that, she is being rude and spoiling any shared mealtimes by droning on and on about everyone else's meals - she has to show the same degree of respect.
Failing that, just say you don't want to eat with her any more.

I'm NC with my mum now (for reasons entirely unrelated to food), but she had an unhealthy relationship with food my whole life. Constantly on a 'diet' and/or binging on whatever. She didn't so much comment on my eating, but does comment on other people's (who aren't present), and her and her partner have this weird dynamic with food. He won't seem to prepare any of his own food, it's for her to control.

She plates all his meals. Even if it's the sort of thing where we are all helping ourselves. He sits down and she gives him a plate of food. Or if out at a restaurant, they will often order one starter and one main between them and split it (this is in no way money related, even in retirement, they get a bigger pension than dh and I will ever hope to earn at any point in our lives, even as relatively high earners).

If she goes away and he is home on his own for a week, she organises all his meals, down to salads to accompany each meal, orders takeaway and portions them out for him, pre-bakes a week's worth of jacket potatoes for lunch, etc. He is in no way incapable of cooking or sourcing his own food. Up until recently, he was working FT in investment. She just like, decides for him what he'll eat. After a meal, he is clearly still hungry, but won't actually go help himself to more food beyond what she's dished up for him. But then he'll go around the table and ask if people are going to eat this or that that's still on their plate and if not, he'll eat everyone's leftovers off their plates instead of getting more food. Then they'll both binge on biscuits and chocolate later. It's just grim. The restriction and the control around it all and then the eating of 20 biscuits after instead of just eating any proper food.

We obviously don't see each other anymore, for totally unrelated reasons, but you've reminded me how much I don't miss the mealtimes with them either.

Judging what she wants to eat - YABU

Her commenting on what you eat - YANBU

You would do well to draw out boundaries with her not commenting on what you eat but you need to respond in kind and respect that she's an adult and if at her age she wants to eat in a disordered way there is nothing you can do about it. Commenting on it or drawing attention to it won't stop her.

If she becomes painfully malnourished you may need to rethink that tactic but as we get older our calorie requirements reduce as our bodies aren't regenerating at the same pace.

Are you familiar with the concept of a roast dinner? the only green thing that might have been included is a sprout of perhaps half a broccoli floret which would hardly make any difference. Three portions of vegetables in the meal already. Have a green salad for your next meal if you want to balance it all out.

I think if she’s losing weight I’d take it seriously and maybe try to get her to a GP- it could be an early sign of dementia. I’ve seen it before in lots of old people though and I don’t think it’s necessarily dementia or just being annoying, some genuinely lose their appetite completely and can’t conceive of eating large portions.

What worked with my gran was eating little and often, and yes she did prefer very strongly salted or sweet stuff towards the end but this was when she was 80 plus. We also actually stopped going out for meals as when eating dinner with her just served her a smallish normal portion and then just said she only had to eat what she wanted if she moaned. She was grateful for the food and the company even if we all spent the time gritting our teeth as she fed it all to the dog/ kids/ menfolk! Fish and chips (child’s portion) was also a good call as then you could blame it on the chop shop!

My mum is the same age and has always been the same.

I now don't serve her portions at all. I let her do her own.

If for example she served herself 5 chips she would eat them all.

If I was to serve her 5 it would be "Far too much" and she'd have to leave half.

She snacks loads though as clearly fucking starving.

Irony is she's bordering T2 diabetes, even though she's never been much over 10 stone, but I think it's the constant snacking and never letting her blood sugar rest.

"I just can't manage a big meal"

You're going to bloody have to learn how to. As I know for a fact when no one's looking you eat normal amounts.

My friend is like this but she doesn’t comment on what others eat. We went out for dinner and she ordered a side of long stem broccoli and couldn’t finish it all. I’m had steak, mushroom, tomato and triple cooked thick chips.
Some people only need a small amount of food as either they are tiny, messed up their metabolism or don’t move about much.

Fair if that's what you'd do.

But the question is about whether the OP is unreasonable to find it frustrating her mum is eating this way. And that I think is where I feel we can't dictate to others how they should eat really. Especially not our parents.

If I was round at a friend or family member's house and they served me a portion I wasn't comfortable with and then further went on to tell me I should just balance it out with a salad at the next meal I'd be really offended. I bet you would too.

I think I might share a mum with some of you. Smaller portion sizes and lots of chats about “oh we don’t have the same appetite now as we’re getting old” and some judgement of me for actually wanting to cook a meal (because I’m hungry!)

But the portions are often of complete crap (chips, thick sandwiches full of mayo, crackers laden with butter), and/or will be preceded or followed up with a complete array of sugary junk food - mini rolls, biscuits etc. I wouldn’t want lunch either if I’d put away half a cake and 3 doughnuts! Don’t judge me for wanting to have an actual meal with protein, vegetables and healthy carbs in it. 😂

My MIL does the performative daintiness thing. For ages I just thought she was trying to fat shame me. "OMG Sam, you're never going to eat all that/You didn't eat all that did you ".
But it turns out it highlights her daintiness. She thinks being "tiny " is extremely desirable.
We should all be tiny and dainty. It's the only way to be, as far as she's concerned. Also quite derogatory about people with big feet (I'm a massive size 6, almost like big foot).
She'd never admit it though.

I wouldn’t! If I went round to someone else’s house and they cooked for me I’d say thanks very much and if not to my taste I’d eat as much as I wanted or the bits I wanted. If I complained that it didn’t have enough greens (which I wouldn’t as that would be very rude) and they jokingly suggested I have a salad for tea I’d tell them it was a good idea!

And if I had a genuine reason to need a specific diet (like diabetes or allergies) I’d say in advance about it.

It doesn't sound like new behaviour, just more extreme. And there is no medical condition that forces you to be so rude about the amount someone else is eating that they stop.

OP if I were you I'd start practising some replies.

Are you going to eat all that? I certainly am, I'm hungry.

That portion is huge. So what? I'm hungry.

Any other comment she makes? You eat your dinner and we'll eat ours.

Don't get dragged into a debate or try to justify anything. It may take some time, but she'll get the message that you won't engage with her.

Disordered eating and really talking about it just seems so prevalent with the older generation.

Even the difference between us (in my 30s) and the grads at work in their 20s, genuinely none of them are on a diet, ever. They are so much more body positive and cannot believe when I tell them when I was their age me and my housemates would all do weigh ins and try and encourage each other with 10 day detoxes and whatnot.

The irony of course is they all look fabulous and can eat loads more because they haven't destroyed their metabolisms.

Feels like as a society we are making progress. I hope.

Tell her that

if she has a fondness for drama, it could go on for decades.

KingsHeath that's great to hear.

I'm in this age group and my appetite hasn't decreased at all

69 here and can't manage the two portion lasagna on my own any more, but mine hasn't decreased that much either. Oncologist asks me every time I see her for a checkup 'any unexpected weight loss?' and gets a hollow laugh. No weight loss, unexpected or otherwise.

Agree. 9 stone is a perfectly healthy weight if her height is under 5 foot 7 or so. If she's really eating that little she would be much thinner. My mum is 5 foot 6 and weighs 7 stone and she still eats more than that!

My nana was sort of like this, just under 5ft and probably 7.5 stone all her life. Breakfast was 2 digestive biscuits, lunch was a cup a soup and toast, afternoon tea biscuits or cake then normal dinner and maybe a pudding. She ate food in decent portions if she visited my DM or we all went out and had the odd chocolate but she was of the generation (as far as I know!) who didn’t snack much on snacks (besides cake and biscuits!). I think she had apples and bananas.

She was proud of her slim figure.

Sadly through not having much calcium and not a brilliant diet she developed osteoarthritis/osteoporosis and then smoking for years meant in the last 4-5 years of her life she couldn’t walk far and used a mobility scooter, she did live til she was 90 though!

Would seeing a nutritionist help your DM?