Difficult neighbour or am I being a tiger mum?

[Tangofantastic]

Genuinely can’t see the wood for the trees here so hoping for your thoughts.
Lived in same semi detached house for nearly 10 years, at first neighbour who I’m attached to was friendly but fairly quickly I realised we are quite different so kept polite distance (one of many examples was when she asked for my help to talk to a bordering neighbour garden about their new trees overlooking her house and she wanted support to do this so I agreed, but when we got there it was a very different conversation to what I thought we were going to have, she was verbally aggressive and rude to this poor lady and I stood there mortified, and later went round with flowers to apologise and say had I known that’s what she was going to do / say I wouldn’t have come with he).
fast forward 7 years and I’m now on my own here with 2 kids, one of whom has autism and sensory needs. He offloads by playing basketball in the front which I make sure is only for 20-30 mins at a time and never past 7pm or before 7am. He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming which most of my neighbours know about and kindly “ignore” as he becomes more distressed with input from people talking at him when melting down. He does need to be outside at these points as inside he is a risk to his little sister and smashes things so I was advised to let him be outside for these meltdowns which last around 15 mins.

over the last year it’s become nearly impossible with my Neighbour, every day there’s a new problem she arrives at my door to talk about: my son making noise, her music students not liking walking past our house if my son is outside (she works from home teaching music) our dog walking past her driveway and setting off the ring door bell, my working from home and she can hear my calls through kitchen wall (this feels unlikely but even if true I can’t not work from home), my bins not being in the right place, and then finally my straw broke so to speak when she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her. I’ve woken up to a note saying she’s installing cctv and will be recording the disturbance from my son and general noise. I feel really upset by it as I try my best, I know my son is challenging but he’s not challenging her, it’s all on my property (Albeit attached to her) but I just hoped for some understanding that it’s not easy and I do the best I can.
what do I do now? I’ve tried being nice, made all the accommodations I think I can, and now I feel relations have completely deteriorated and I simply don’t know what else I can do. I don’t like the idea of cctv recording but it’s her property so 🤷‍♀️

i feel like she’s making me out to be a shameless Style family with a single mum and unruly kids but I try my best. What, if anything, should i do? Thank you 🙏

OP, a few people saying they wouldn’t want to live next door to you. Tbh, I hate the thump thump thump of balls BUT you sound great in that you limit it. I’d much rather live next to you than your neighbour, who sounds rude and entitled to me.

Honestly, can you take your agenda elsewhere. There's no aggressive man here, or abused women here, or anyone in a refuge. FFS.

OP, you're doing brilliantly- you've found a way to soothe your son when he's distressed. Let him swim. He's 10. As a fellow parent of an ASD DS (11) I KNOW what your life is like. Tell her to walk in your shoes for a week. In fact, PPs on here need to get their brain's switched on & imagine being in your shoes. But noone gets it until they live it, absolutely noone. There's no point in asking for understanding on here.

I agree with those saying that the criticism you are getting is mainly from people who have absolutely no clue what it’s like to walk in your shoes. You sound to be doing a fab job in difficult circumstances and to be raising two kids, one with significant additional needs, and holding down a job, is something many people genuinely couldn’t begin to imagine.

This is true, mumsnet is rife with ableism. People genuinely think that they have a right to never have to encounter anyone who is disabled because it’s inconvenient and distasteful.

I have two ASD children. I have been in much the same situation.

Let her get a camera. When she reports it, absolutely nothing will happen. At best, you might get someone phone you up or pop round, you explain and they will pop off again.

Phone CAMHS, explain so its in their notes and ask what they would advise? They might have further support for managing emotions they can offer.

Whilst you keep apologising and entertaining her, she won't stop. You'd do better ignoring her. Literally blanking her. This won't end until you end it. If you can't blank her "Thank you for your feedback', shut the door.

You are doing your best. This will pass.

"He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming". Neighbour also reported swearing which OP doesn't deny.

Disabled people have right to exist, but that doesn't give them carte blanche to have a negative affect on other people when that is either preventable or can be mitigated. I say this as the parent of a SN son too.

Use of CCTV to record activity beyond one's own boundary is indeed not illegal per se but anyone doing so does have to adhere to the conditions outlined such as having clear notices etc

I find it particularly distasteful that posters claiming to have children or other relatives with SEN are putting the boot in. Either they aren’t telling the truth, or they are particularly ignorant and don’t seem to realise than one child with SEN is not the same as another.

@Tangofantastic ignore the nasty ableist pp's on here.
Ignore your ridiculous ndn.
Get on with your life and carry on being a good mum.

Use the back garden. It's what it's for.

Tell her to do one if she complains about not being able to 'relax' in her back garden.

Record your conversations with her if she's being aggressive.

He isn’t hitting, shouting or swearing at the neighbour, or on the neighbours property. He certainly isn’t stimming AT anyone. He is living his life in his own home.

Is he supposed to never leave the house to ‘mitigate’ the chance of him having a meltdown where other people might see it?

I would pop a note through her door. Take a photo first of what's written.

Apologise that it's annoying her him being out front. Say you switched to the front because she complained about noise in back.
But of course you'll swap back to using the back garden and apologise for misunderstanding that she wanted him out the front instead. Reiterate you'll keep him in from 7pm until the school run the following day.

That way you're showing you've reacted to her previously but she's literally ran out of options. And she cannot actually say that he can't use your back garden. Yes, noise from others can be annoying in small spaces communities. But if you can't tolerate it you have to live in a different way type of place.

I wish my old neighbours had limited the basketball. Her kids played for hours. I just had to live with it!

I haven't RTFT but I'd really struggle being your neighbour. You need to realise that people have their own struggles and having to put up with yours isn't always something they can do .

Very difficult situation for you and I do feel for you but 7am start of 30 mins basket ball 🤷🏼‍♀️my god that’s enough to drive anyone to distraction. No idea what you can do about it though.

There’s nothing the neighbour can do either …

Maybe read her follow ups and you'll realise he's not playing basket ball at 7 am for 30 minutes!

Ironically I am autistic and find noise from neighbours to be incredibly triggering. Once I had a neighbour whose son was also autistic. One night he kicked a football against the fence for three hours solid. Honestly without a break- I was nearly in tars.
Ableism can go be expressed in many ways- it's not just disabled children who feel the effect. I seen autistic adults on here told to move into the middle of a field, to just put up with it etc etc.

I haven’t got anything to add that hasn’t already been suggested but just wanted to say that you come across as a lovely Mum that is trying her best to keep the peace. I really hope you manage to find some middle ground. You’ve got enough on your plate without having to deal with a messy dispute with a neighbour. Good luck 😊

This could be why. Sometimes when we can't cope as adults we appear mad to others. I've done it myself when I couldn't cope with noise or stress and have over reacted then been deeply ashamed but then still overreacted as I couldn't deal with the situation. My autistic child can't cope with being around other autistic children. He might make noise but cannot deal with other peoples noise or meltdowns. I've had to say he's autistic while sharply packing up to move away from kids having meltdowns so parents dont feel judged. It's not your fault she is struggling though if that's the case. We all muddle on. Hope you manage to sort it out.

Why do people comment when they can’t be bothered to read the thread? 8 pages deep and people still wittering on that it’s unacceptable for OP’s son to make noise at 7am when @Tangofantastic has repeatedly said he is not outside making any noise at that time. She was citing the time parameters she has put in place for his outdoor play (not before 7am and not after7pm) so that he doesn’t annoy neighbours but in reality he is not actually outside then.

Even if he was outside at 7am, so what? I live on a quiet residential street with lots of of families. From about 7.30am onwards I can hear kids going to school (local secondary starts at 8.15), neighbours getting in their cars to work etc. It’s really not that early.

OP’s neighbour sounds unhinged and the kind of person who would complain about anything and everything. A 10 year old neuro diverse child deserves understanding. Instead people here seem to think it’s a normal response for the neighbour to install CCTV to film a child suffering meltdowns🙄

The speculation she is a domestic abuse survivor triggered by the child or the thud of a basketball is truly MN at it’s wild and improbable best.

Bloody hell, I'm utterly poleaxed at the amount of posters on their high horses about where OP should "let" her autistic child have a meltdown. That she should "keep him inside" because he might "intimidate" someone or (gasp) utter a SWEAR word. At this point, these posters should just say it with their whole chest and admit they want to see disabled children institutionalized.

OP, we had neighbours with a chap who was quite loud from time to time, he was quite vocal although couldn't speak words, and do you know what we did? We said, "There goes X!" He was part of the neighbourhood, too. He deserved to exist. So does your son. If your neighbour happens to be ND she needs to make reasonable adjustments for her conflicting access needs rather than blaming it on a child with higher support needs!

I think you ought to feel free to use your back yard again and I do think you ought to somehow log or document this because it sounds like your neighbour is bullying you, and her next step will likely be to continue her harassment.

You have not written anything that I could imagine any one in a position of authority being remotely interested in. So one approach would be to let her crack her. I appreciate that could leave you very stressed though. Some sort of mediation could help, but really not sure who would provide that service.

I would definitely log everything with dates and any evidence you can. If she keeps harassing you it be that you build a case for anti-social behaviour against her. I also would avoid speaking with her at all, if you must try to get a third party as a witness though appreciate that might not be possible.

As a final general point why do such fussy people live in semis, or flats? It’s baffling. If they can’t afford anything else then they need to learn some respect and tolerance, it’s how society functions.

Yes.
I also have a grandson who has autism. Hes the sweetest most gentle soul in the world. Some should take that quality and apply it to themselves.

I don't find the noise of a kids playing with a ball as annoying as the drone of traffic noise, lawnmowers, building work, dogs barking, or people having loud sweary conversations. Am I weird? To me it's just childhood, in the same way I can screen kids' voices out unless they ae absolutely screeching. Tbh, a few ball games are a small price to play compared to kids hunched over screens and piling on weight.

This!!!
I also have a neighbour at the back of my house with a learning disability..he is an adult and lives with his dad...the bad language top of his voice, bollocking his dad, very loudly....BUT ..he has a learning disability and obviously struggles with regulation. It doesnt bother me in the slightest.

How about live in the neighbours shoes for a week? Everyone has a right to peace in their own home.