Difficult neighbour or am I being a tiger mum?

[Tangofantastic]

Genuinely can’t see the wood for the trees here so hoping for your thoughts.
Lived in same semi detached house for nearly 10 years, at first neighbour who I’m attached to was friendly but fairly quickly I realised we are quite different so kept polite distance (one of many examples was when she asked for my help to talk to a bordering neighbour garden about their new trees overlooking her house and she wanted support to do this so I agreed, but when we got there it was a very different conversation to what I thought we were going to have, she was verbally aggressive and rude to this poor lady and I stood there mortified, and later went round with flowers to apologise and say had I known that’s what she was going to do / say I wouldn’t have come with he).
fast forward 7 years and I’m now on my own here with 2 kids, one of whom has autism and sensory needs. He offloads by playing basketball in the front which I make sure is only for 20-30 mins at a time and never past 7pm or before 7am. He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming which most of my neighbours know about and kindly “ignore” as he becomes more distressed with input from people talking at him when melting down. He does need to be outside at these points as inside he is a risk to his little sister and smashes things so I was advised to let him be outside for these meltdowns which last around 15 mins.

over the last year it’s become nearly impossible with my Neighbour, every day there’s a new problem she arrives at my door to talk about: my son making noise, her music students not liking walking past our house if my son is outside (she works from home teaching music) our dog walking past her driveway and setting off the ring door bell, my working from home and she can hear my calls through kitchen wall (this feels unlikely but even if true I can’t not work from home), my bins not being in the right place, and then finally my straw broke so to speak when she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her. I’ve woken up to a note saying she’s installing cctv and will be recording the disturbance from my son and general noise. I feel really upset by it as I try my best, I know my son is challenging but he’s not challenging her, it’s all on my property (Albeit attached to her) but I just hoped for some understanding that it’s not easy and I do the best I can.
what do I do now? I’ve tried being nice, made all the accommodations I think I can, and now I feel relations have completely deteriorated and I simply don’t know what else I can do. I don’t like the idea of cctv recording but it’s her property so 🤷‍♀️

i feel like she’s making me out to be a shameless Style family with a single mum and unruly kids but I try my best. What, if anything, should i do? Thank you 🙏

I think you have been very reasonable with neighbour and tried to resolve as many of her complaints as you can. If you don't mind me saying.... maybe a bit too reasonable?! She is taking advantage of your kind approach and using it against you. You already have alot going on ( I also have an Autistic child) and you shouldn't need to be worrying about a grown adult next door when your son is experiencing meltdowns... equally stopping him from doing the things which regulate his system is going to increase the likelihood and duration of his meltdowns. Uurgh I just wish society was kinder to our beautiful Autistic kids 😢. Let her go to the council.... they will not take it seriously. He is in his own garden (I would also make sure he is in the back garden where he is safer.... it doesn't matter she complains anyway!). She is being very unfair. Do you hear her teaching music through the walls?! Has she even considered her own impact on you. Ignore, ignore, ignore.... you have done your best.

Someone upthread (sorry I can’t remember the poster) suggested agreeing with her, stating that your son is under CAMS and that you and they are trying your hardest to manage your child’s condition. They said to tell the neighbour to put everything in writing as evidence for you to take to CAMS. I think this is excellent advice.
It shows your neighbour that you are taking her concerns seriously, it also stops her from a barrage of verbal abuse, plus she is more likely to think about what she is prepared to write down. It might also make her stop and think. Think that you are trying to do your best. Think that your child cannot help it, think that perhaps as you mention professionals that the actions you are taking are those advised to you.
I would do this. Everyone she comes round.
’Hi June, remember now, it needs to be in writing, thanks bye.’

The obvious solution there is for your neighbour to get rid of the dogs if she can neither train them or cope with them being in her house. That is her choice to make. The noise may be similar but the underlying issue isn't.

The noise of a meltdown is obviously not ideal, but if we want to live in a society where children with autism can live at home with their families then people will have to tolerate it. The alternative is to go back to a system where autistic children are taken from their families, sedated and kept locked away from the general public. Or euthanased as in Nazi Germany.

Maybe the OP can't cope with the meltdown inside, but can cope if it's outside in the garden (where her son is not actually doing anything to the neighbours other than making noise). It's extremely difficult caring for a child like this anyway and OP is following the advice that professionals have given. What would you say to her if you were her neighbour? Would you really want this child to go into residential care because you don't want the noise of the outside meltdown? Or could you be kind and understand how hard things already are and that she is doing all she can as a loving mother? It's not like the OP is making a choice to be antisocial.

He’s a 10 year old boy now but he won’t be forever and at some point in the not too distant future seeing him meltdown WILL be intimidating, especially if you’ve got him in the front yard, to intimidate anyone and everyone going past.

you need to get a handle on it now before you’ve got random people phoning the police on you.

definitely swap him to the back yard as that’s the lesser of two evils. If she doesn’t like his small periods in the back yard to meltdown and play basketball, tough shit. No one’s entitled to total peace and quiet in their back yard, but him being there instead of in the front would solve a lot of issues

No but it's also not like traumatised people are choosing to be triggered. Personally, I think the (I assume enclosed) back garden is the middle ground plus attempts to minimise the noise as much as possible. I think the OP and the neighbour both have understandable points and are both being, in parts, unreasonable.

Your son should be able to play basketball in YOUR front garden for as long you like as long as it's not night time. If he wants to play for longer than twenty minutes mid day in his own garden she has no right to complain. Don't let her micro manage your family life
If he's having meltdowns at night I can understand her finding that annoying although I'm not sure what you can do about it.

Some of the responses here are really vile. It sounds like max there is a couple of times a day your son needs to be outside to de escalate. I personally would use the back garden for this as it's probably safer for him and honestly it sounds like whatever you do she will complain and moan. I would have one to at saying calmly (but her previous experience with tree related drama suggests it won't work) that you have decided it's safer and less distressing for all that your children use your back garden and that is what you'll be doing. Remind her that you haven't given consent to film the children or the property.

Absolutely ignore people saying your child should be inside with a fan on and moaning about basketball. I have a neighbour (well their daughter) who plays football in the back garden for hours at a time. It sometimes irritates me a bit. But I would never complain because everyone has to compromise in order to live in a reasonable society and accommodate those who need help.

All this talk of her being triggered is such a reach. She hasn't said that and she wasn't presumably triggered by your neighbors tree. She's just an unreasonable and mean spirited woman.

Mother of a child with autism here and I really don't think it is acceptable at all that your son has his meltdowns outside - either for him as he ages or for your neighbours, people walking by etc. -especially if he is unsupervised. Even more inappropriate for this to happen at the front of the house. I am shocked that you think this is ok - he is very vulnerable to very negative interactions with strangers. You need to create safe spaces for both your children inside. I also think 7am is far too early for any loud activity outside and you need to find other regulating activities apart from basketball. Your neighbour may be irritating etc. but you asking them to put up with far too much

7am is far too early for basket ball and is very antisocial. I'd be very very pissed off being woken by ball thudding at 7am. A child screaming or crying in distress is just one of those things that can't be helped and needs understanding but it's not fair to send him outside to scream and wake up everyone else. After 8.30 I'd say its reasonable to have him let off steam outdoors. From their point of view, he isn't their child and his problems shouldn't be made their problem and as nice as it would be if they made allowances, they aren't wrong.

As for her music students, I'd tell her to fuck off, snooty bitch but I do think you need to be more aware of others. Yes your son has autism but that doesn't mean his rights come above everyone else's.

The ragey half of me would be tempted to tell her to shut the fuck up and get a grip, BUT - the sensible side of me would likely knock on, ask for a chat and ask what her end game is. I'd say we need to sort this out because it's going to take so much energy maintaining a neighbourly feud and I just don't have the time for it. So find out the compromise.

Then if that didn't work I'd let the fuck offs free.

Yes

Wow, she sounds worse than my neighbour! I think 7am is too early for noisy children outside, but in every other way she sounds unreasonable. I would be tempted to ignore her and let her crack on with her CCTV and noise recording (if your household is not generating an unreasonable level of noise, then you have nothing to worry about). Don’t engage.

My neighbour has gone all out with her CCTV and can now see watch my comings and goings from her other (main) home. I don’t like it, but what can you do 🤷🏼‍♀️

My worry would be that she will go one stage further and start to yell at/tell off your child directly. This is what my neighbour has done and it has left my autistic child to be fearful and have nightmares. If this happens you should consider making your own recordings because I think it is totally unacceptable. If she doesn’t like what she sees she can look away!

If she installs CCTV then it should only be recording activity on her property. If she records/films you or your son on your property she is in breach of GDPR.

But it isn't breaking the law as such.
https://ico.org.uk/for-the-public/domestic-cctv-systems/

Yep and then there's all the backpedalling

"No he isn't actually out from 7am"

""No he wasn't actually outside alone having a meltdown"

I really do appreciate you're in a hard situation with your son but I nearly had a mental breakdown living next to a similar situation. Neighbours couldn't manage their child so I was forced to endure hours and hours of screaming and ball bouncing every single day. used to sit and cry and had to move in the end.

Yet again: she doesn't need Council permission to teach private music pupils in her own home. Why do people keep coming up with this bullshit?

I was going to suggest this. I saw a PP say her CCTV will also show her being unreasonable but you may find it has been 'accidentally deleted' or is otherwise unavailable if you want to rely on it. You could get a Ring doorbell type thing that will automatically record her badgering you with complaints on the doorstep. I used to have a neighbour like this and actually got the doorbell to deal with amazon deliveries etc when I was out, but was amazed to find that it actually reduced the number of complaints. I can only assume this was because the awful neighbour was suddenly conscious of being recorded (nothing else had changed!).

Please stop giving incorrect information as if it was a fact.
https://ico.org.uk/for-the-public/domestic-cctv-systems/#:~:text=The%20use%20of%20recording%20equipment,shared%20spaces%20or%20public%20streets.

I think general noise from going to work at that time is fine - car engines/closing doors etc is expected noise but letting your kid bounce a ball in the garden at 7am is twatty. I live in what I consider a noisy area with lots of kids and no one is out playing that early.

Does your neighbour's daughter stand in the front garden screeching / shouting / hitting and swearing?

@Tangofantastic - MN in general and AIBU is wildly unsympathetic to children with additional needs, and especially their parents. Definitely don’t come here for informed or compassionate advice. To all the people saying they wouldn’t want to live near you - that’s how I feel about intolerant people.

To be honest I think you’ve done enough accommodating. Have a bit of a rethink about what works best for you and just crack on. I agree with others saying to use your back garden as you see fit for the good of your family, and maybe don’t use the front in the same way if it’s less private.

I also agree with those saying to make a note of the endless complaints, as it does sound a bit like harassment.

Council noises complaints will politely tell her to fuck off. The more fuss she makes, the more unreasonable she will look, just keep doing what your doing OP, you're doing great!

@Tangofantastic son has the right to use his garden, just like anyone else does. He isn’t hitting/shouting at/swearing at/throwing things at/entering the property of the neighbours.

The neighbour has already managed to stop him using his back garden, now she wants him to stop using the front garden.

Disabled people are allowed to exist even if able bodied people find that irritating.

@usernamealreadytaken No she doesn't but if she did I'd have heaps of empathy all round and think the mum probably needed a cup of tea more than she needed a CCTV camera and telling off! And I wouldn't have told her she couldn't be in her own back garden with offensive bubbles either

Is this aimed at OP or another poster?