Page 9 | To really hate that my toddler keeps deciding when we are going?

Sunflowerpoppies · 2023-10-09T07:41:44+00:00

When we go to a group at the moment my toddler knows the format and when it’s the ending song or rhyme gets up and walks/runs out. I do bring him back and make him say good bye and thank you but he then as soon as we’ve said it he runs off again. It’s rubbish as it means I’m charging after him (also have a baby) and I know this is selfish but means I don’t get ten minutes to sit and chat with other mums, I’m not sure it anyone can relate?!

Gifgirl · 09/10/2023 15:05

Ghostgirl77 · 09/10/2023 10:23

At 3 mine was at the stage where sitting still for a baby group was a challenge and he was ready to run by the end of it. I switched him to more active things like swimming, trips to the park and that worked a lot better.

I'm not suprised your 3 year old was bored, having to sit through a baby session.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/10/2023 15:10

Yeah, he’s probably bored shitless. Try something else. Playball? Rugby Tots? Swimming? Kid gymnastics? Toddler session at trampoline park? Something physical…

And it’s unusual for kid groups to be held somewhere a three year old can easily pull open a door and escape before the parent/guardian can react. That’s what we mean.

Original poster

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 15:18

Stand there and say thank you - how long do people think saying thank you takes?

The hall is quite small and he doesn’t get out of the doors, in the time it takes to get my bag and my other child he can easily have opened them.

OP posts:

Hibiscrubbed · 09/10/2023 15:21

A group I went to with a toddler had a door that opened up onto a road so after a risk assessment, they cut the door in half to create a stable door, and they bolt the lower half to prevent escapees. Your group doesn’t sound very secure.

Gifgirl · 09/10/2023 15:23

MindatWork · 09/10/2023 11:13

Glad you've been getting some more supportive replies OP. Honestly it seems like a bit of an odd concept to me to have a period at the end of a toddler group when all the toys have been put away, the session has ended but the children are supposed to just hang around and behave nicely while their mums have a cup of tea and a chat.

That wouldn't have worked well with my DD, she was always knackered and grumpy by the end of any group activity.

I've run a stay and play group in the past (and host one in one of the halls that I manage now).

The toys are out for an hour and the parents are asked to play with their children, not sit back and watch whilst they talk to other parents/carers.
The the toys go away, there is 'circle time' with songs (including good-bye song) and then they sit down for fruit/biscuits. It is at this point that the parents have coffee and a chat with each other.

Original poster

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 15:51

@Gifgirl that sounds really nice but not the same as what I am describing.

OP posts:

whatdoidoaboutit · 09/10/2023 16:00

margotrose · 09/10/2023 14:32

That's not what people mean. They mean how is he getting so far away from you that he's able to get out of the doors like he is. It's so dangerous.

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Because some DC are runners!

My DS ran off ALL THE TIME! There was no let up, not till he outgrew that phase.

When out and about he would have to be strapped into the buggy a lot of the time as it wasn't safe. (I left it too late to try reins).

But when I got to somewhere like a toddler group, he would be running around, somewhere relatively safe at least.

I know all the playparks and attractions in this town with good fences!

If you find it hard to imagine how a toddler could be that far away, you have no idea what having a strong willed runner is like!

Manthide · 09/10/2023 16:17

The OP has to put on shoes, sort baby out etc she can't just leave like that just because her toddlers wants to!

sallywinter · 09/10/2023 16:27

The thought of the OP holding a screaming toddler or clinging on to reins while the flip around like a fish crying on the floor...

Your toddler is capable of learning cues and routines! Great start. Let's teach a new one.

After the goodbye song, it's time for... (insert whatever the other toddlers do here, playing or running around or a biscuit.)

Practise practise practise when you're both relaxed. You could use puppets or other small toys, one to be you, one to be him. Sing the goodbye song together. Practise saying, "I know we used to go home now, but today we are going to sit and eat our biscuit. After the biscuit we will go home. Biscuit first, home second."

Depending on how their communication skills are (both receptive and expressive,) you might consider a little photo to show them - Biscuit first, home second."

When it's actually happening at the group, keep the language exactly the same.

margotrose · 09/10/2023 16:37

whatdoidoaboutit · 09/10/2023 16:00

Because some DC are runners!

My DS ran off ALL THE TIME! There was no let up, not till he outgrew that phase.

When out and about he would have to be strapped into the buggy a lot of the time as it wasn't safe. (I left it too late to try reins).

But when I got to somewhere like a toddler group, he would be running around, somewhere relatively safe at least.

I know all the playparks and attractions in this town with good fences!

If you find it hard to imagine how a toddler could be that far away, you have no idea what having a strong willed runner is like!

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Yep, I get all of that, which is why OP needs to pre-empt the bolting by keeping her DC on reins the entire time, and holding him before the end of the "goodbye song" so that it's impossible for him to run off.

What's happening right now is dangerous. If he gets out of that door he could get lost or badly hurt.

tattygrl · 09/10/2023 16:42

Natty13 · 09/10/2023 11:40

I guarantee you the other parents there are watching this and thinking the things that 99% of posters have said - "she needs to parent that child"

People don't judge when toddlers have tantrums, they absolutely judge when you bend yourself backwards to avoid tantrums and avoid parenting as a result.

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It's horrible of you to tell OP that 99% of parents she goes to this group with are "guaranteed" to be watching her and judging her. Horrible thing to say. It's that kind of remark that stays in peoples' heads. Think about what you're saying. If you want to give your opinion, do it, but there's no need to try and convince someone they're being watched and judged.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 09/10/2023 16:45

Bribery worked for me. Easy to say you’re the parent leave when you want but actually enforcing it with a screaming toddler makes you look like a numpty. Bribery.

Themumdoc · 09/10/2023 16:46

‘You’re the boss’ 😲 wow. That’s an old fashioned approach to parenting.
So because they can’t communicate / understand as well and less life experience, a toddlers opinion and wishes don’t matter? Keep being the ‘boss’ and ignoring their requests and I guarantee you’ll have a tantrumming child and a people pleasing, under confident adult on your hands when they grow up.
Childism is inherent in our culture and needs to stop.

Alighttouchonthetiller · 09/10/2023 17:20

Themumdoc · 09/10/2023 16:46

‘You’re the boss’ 😲 wow. That’s an old fashioned approach to parenting.
So because they can’t communicate / understand as well and less life experience, a toddlers opinion and wishes don’t matter? Keep being the ‘boss’ and ignoring their requests and I guarantee you’ll have a tantrumming child and a people pleasing, under confident adult on your hands when they grow up.
Childism is inherent in our culture and needs to stop.

But you are the boss. You are the parent. Toddlers are delightful, but their little froggy minds don't know enough to be the ones making the decisions. By all means say, 'So, Artemis, do you want a rice cake or a falafel?' but you wouldn't say, 'OK, Artemis. I see you want to run out into the car park and get run over. What lovely independent ideas you have! I am so glad we are nurturing your spirit of adventure.'

I'm teaching these kids when they get to secondary school. They can't follow an instruction and spend most of their time walking out of lessons and being chased around by the Behaviour Team. Set some boundaries.

saffy2 · 09/10/2023 17:51

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:48

So how do I enjoy a chat with the other mums while ds keeps running off @Pottedpalm ? in theory yes I can decide we aren’t leaving for another ten minutes but if all I’m doing in that time is running after a toddler it isn’t the nice relaxing tea and biscuits session I could do with!

If that’s the end of the group you’ve had an hour or whatever to sit and chat? That’s when I sit and chat, during the group. When it’s finishing it’s just everyone getting coats on and making sure they’ve got everything and then we leave, at the same time everyone is leaving. No one is sitting chatting with a cuppa and biscuit after the group has ended, that’s for during the group.

Okidoki12 · 09/10/2023 17:54

It does get better I promise 🙂I fully understand why you want the 10-15 minutes, gosh do we need just a little bit of adult conversation every now and then when we have young kids! You do the best you can, it's already great that you get some simple realistic rules like saying thank you.

See how you feel on the day. If it's a day you can't be bothered to run behind the toddler, then stay at home. And if you fancy some company than go to the group. With time your toddler will understand that he/she can't run off. As of other parents opinion, we are all on the same boat.

CurlewKate · 09/10/2023 18:00

@Angryappendix "Is there an option to give him a snack after the session? Like some rice cakes."

My ds would have held out for a pasty!

momonpurpose · 09/10/2023 18:17

tootsweetss · 09/10/2023 09:55

He is enjoying it though.

He just bolts to the door at the end and OP doesn't want to deal with that behaviour because she's scared of her child having a tantrum in front of other parents.

It's part of parenting. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

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Agreed you can either parent badly for an easier life or parent your child and sometimes that means being the bad guy. I have have no idea why op posted as clearly zero interest in anything that's not easy. Sad really

Minime88888888 · 09/10/2023 18:25

Hi. It sounds as if you are going to one of those formal sessions where its run by a person and you do the class, following their lead and pay £10 ish. Is that correct? If so, I'd suggest going to a toddler group in a hall where the children play freely while you sit down and drink tea and chat to the other mums. There is still story and singing at the end and lots of boys mostly don't want to join in and run about so that's when you leave. 😆

OlizraWiteomQua · 09/10/2023 18:26

Can you arrange with some of the other mums to arrive 10 mins early before the start of the class and have your chatting/cup of tea then rather than after?

tootsweetss · 09/10/2023 18:28

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 15:18

Stand there and say thank you - how long do people think saying thank you takes?

The hall is quite small and he doesn’t get out of the doors, in the time it takes to get my bag and my other child he can easily have opened them.

It's not about the time taken. It's about the fact you are making him do it and (I'm guessing) he's seeing that everyone else doesn't have to.

So maybe he is trying to leave before he has to do that.

I understand manners are important to you, but that's not really a normal thing for 3 year olds to have to do after a toddler group. I've never seen a parent do this.

Anyway I think you posted with your view and didn't really want to listen to any replies that didn't agree with it, so good luck to you.

GirlsAndPenguins · 09/10/2023 18:46

I’m a little confused.
How old is he?
18 month old, you’re probably leaving.
3 year old. Tell them before hand that we will be staying to play with the toys after the goodbye song. Remind him when song in on that we are staying to play and not going yet.
Either way by about 2.5-3 you will be able to explain this to him so hopefully it’s just a short term thing. Maybe get a toy ready for him to play with at the end and keep saying.
‘You can play with this after the goodbye song’.

HenrysHome · 09/10/2023 18:52

Some odd responses on this thread OP! I have a very similar sounding ds, he's very single minded and once he's decided it's hometime no amount of snacks or distraction would change his mind. He'll wait for me to be ready but absolutely wouldn't not entertain the idea of us staying for chatting and tea. It can be incredibly frustrating and isolating sometimes but these groups are for him (and his sister) so I'm not going to force him to stay, there are plenty of other more appropriate scenarios to teach this, and I'm hoping his stubbornness will do him favours in adulthood! I think as well, if I was ready to leave somewhere and someone was making me stay then I'd be pretty frustrated too!

beanii · 09/10/2023 19:36

YOU'RE the adult.

If he runs off and won't hold your hand put reins on him.

You're letting him dictate.

ApathyMartha · 09/10/2023 20:05

My son would just decide he’d had enough and want to leave. Autism diagnosis but I still admire his confidence in deciding when he’s had enough. I’ve learn a lot from him. When people are overstaying their welcome tell them it’s time to go.
however, if you want to stay you decide.