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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To really hate that my toddler keeps deciding when we are going?

256 replies

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:41

When we go to a group at the moment my toddler knows the format and when it’s the ending song or rhyme gets up and walks/runs out.

I do bring him back and make him say good bye and thank you but he then as soon as we’ve said it he runs off again. It’s rubbish as it means I’m charging after him (also have a baby) and I know this is selfish but means I don’t get ten minutes to sit and chat with other mums, I’m not sure it anyone can relate?!

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 09/10/2023 11:39

nancypowers1983 · 09/10/2023 11:34

You do realise that isn't what anyone's actually suggesting? We are saying this would help prevent the child from running out the door as mum is preparing to leave and would ensure both baby and toddler are safe in the process. Once he has realised he doesn't dictate what they do then he is free to play at future sessions presuming he doesn't continue to run out the door. So just standard parent your child suggestions really.

But the OP situation is not about packing up and leaving, it's about staying for Stay and Play so she socialise with the other parents.
So yes, I agree that most people probably just haven't bothered reading the OP, and yet are adamant that pushchair and reins are the obvious solution.

TheHappinessEnigma · 09/10/2023 11:39

The key is breaking the association that the goodbye song = immediately time to go.
I don’t disagree with what you’re saying, but the thing is; the goodbye song is the cue to remove yourself from the hall.
The organisers really don’t want to be clearing up round a gaggle of chatting Mums, while their children continue to play 😬

Natty13 · 09/10/2023 11:40

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:42

I just feel like tying him down before the end of the session isn’t enforcing a boundary, it is literally - I’ve never seen anyone do that, ever. I don’t mind admitting I would be mortified to do that and it would be horrible for the other children and mums as he’d start having a screaming tantrum and no one would be able to enjoy tea and play then, rather than just me!

He never runs into the car park, he literally opens the door and I’m on him. But it is probably best to give them a miss anyway, the baby is very, very unsettled and it’s hard to get through the days so this is probably an added pressure we don’t need.

I guarantee you the other parents there are watching this and thinking the things that 99% of posters have said - "she needs to parent that child"

People don't judge when toddlers have tantrums, they absolutely judge when you bend yourself backwards to avoid tantrums and avoid parenting as a result.

Abhannmor · 09/10/2023 11:41

My friend's granddaughter used to march up to complete strangers and announce her name and address , while he stood there with a mortified smile. If they responded in kind she was made up!

How can you win.

nancypowers1983 · 09/10/2023 11:44

@Bearbookagainandagain and it's lovely she wants to stay to socialise but currently the bigger issue is her child struggling to understand a boundary. Which is why the vast majority of replies are about that. It isn't people failing to read the post, it's people speaking from experience on what will help OP reach the tea and biscuits goal she's aiming for. I don't mean that to sound dismissive, it genuinely will help her to get to that point.

margotrose · 09/10/2023 11:45

I think you have unrealistic expectations.

Either you need to use reins, a buggy or wrist straps to keep him with you, or you need to accept that staying for a chat and a cup of tea just isn't possible at the moment.

Personally I would be doing everything possible to stop my toddler running for the doors as it's just far too dangerous. If that means he has a tantrum then so be it 🤷‍♀️

SnuggleBuggleBoo · 09/10/2023 11:55

Is there a playground nearby? Head there after and say to the other mums before you leave - we're off to the park if anyone wants to join us? You can have a bit of a chat while they're on the swings or whatever.

housethatbuiltme · 09/10/2023 11:57

'How do you sit and relax'... errr, honestly you don't.

There's two types of mams

  1. those who parent their kids
  2. those who 'sit and relax' by ignoring their kids

What ends up in the latter is those of us bothered to be doing what we are suppose to end up being unpaid baby sitters for the lazy parents who can't be arsed to parent their own kid and think everyone else should (usually while spouting bollocks about it taking a village as if that justifies their entitlement to ditch their kids on others).

You don't get to switch off being a mam to socialize, its a 24/7 job and there no magic 'off' button. All you can do is just choose to be either good or bad at it.

All parents of toddlers face this, its not just you... sitting and chatting is really only something achievable when they are non mobile babies.

Once they are in Nursery/School you will have more time to chat while they are there.

Twinmum2020 · 09/10/2023 11:57

Set out the expectation before hand. Then twll him as you go in. Remember we are staying to see the mums and chat after. Dont leave until we are all ready. Works with my daughter but my son had asd and bolts. So i have to reinforce with reins of he does run off, or pushchair. I am hoping it will wotk over time?

1988really · 09/10/2023 11:58

Why isn’t the door secure enough to prevent child from leaving? Surely that should be a priority for a play group !

BertieBotts · 09/10/2023 12:06

Mumsnet is so bonkers for parenting advice now, I swear it used to be sensible. Maybe it's just AIBU.

Of course there's a middle ground between strapping him weirdly into a buggy and sitting him there to watch you as he screams the place down while everyone awkwardly drinks tea and tries to pretend they haven't noticed while thinking "God what in the world is she doing??", vs being in thrall to your tiny dictator's every whim Grin

Don't worry OP I'm sure you're doing absolutely fine.

If the routine has recently changed, then he's just doing what he's learned from previous times - toddlers are creatures of habit. And depending on age and personality you'll have varying success with distraction, explanations etc, because that story is set in his mind and it will take time to adjust it.

If the place is secure and toddler-proof, which is generally what I'd expect from a stay and play session, then I'd probably just let him wander around and hang out by the door/gate if he wants to while you drink your tea. After a few sessions he'll get the message and go off and play instead. If he is shouting "Mummy, mummy, come/time go to" (or whatever) then you could just call back to him "Mummy's just drinking her tea sweetheart, it's not home time yet." Then if he became noisy to the point of annoying others, see below.

If it's not secure and he can leave by himself and this is a safety issue, then it depends on age. Below around 2.5 you will have more success with distraction/redirection - go to him and explain it's not home time yet, we're having biscuits/tea, or take him to a toy and see if you can get him interested in it. This will probably be just as demanding of your time/attention as chasing him, so it's a long game but after 2-3 weeks of this usually they'll start to get the new routine and then you'll be freer to chat if you want to.

Over about 2.5 you can try this but combined with explanations. Try some before the session "Normally we go home after the bye bye song, don't we? But next time, we're going to stay for a biscuit. Would you like to have a biscuit after bye bye song? Bye bye song, then biscuit, then home." You can even do a pretend Moo Music session with some teddies and model the tea-and-biscuits part there, if you want to. Remind him on the way there. Remind him again when they are setting up the goodbye song "Oh look DS, it's time for bye bye song, nearly biscuit time!" He will probably still go to leave again but you can then remind him again "I know we normally go home, but today we're having biscuit time!" They need SO much repetition of a new concept to override an old concept which has been set in place by repetition. That's the reason for repeating yourself multiple times in this instance because it helps shortcut that rather than it being a week between each instance of the new pattern.

Doggymummar · 09/10/2023 12:09

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:48

So how do I enjoy a chat with the other mums while ds keeps running off @Pottedpalm ? Smile in theory yes I can decide we aren’t leaving for another ten minutes but if all I’m doing in that time is running after a toddler it isn’t the nice relaxing tea and biscuits session I could do with!

Baby reins? And a film sit down Mummy is talking?

BertieBotts · 09/10/2023 12:13

I honestly think we must all be picturing totally different scenarios - I am equally as baffled as some of the respondents at the suggestion of using reins/pushchair in the middle of a toddler group while children are happily playing and mums are sitting drinking tea! Even time out I've only rarely seen used in that environment, and generally for something like hitting/biting another child, and everyone understands and is supportive in that case and the child usually is only crying for a minute or so. Rather than expecting them to be sat in the buggy for the whole of the free play session/tea and biscuits session.

But then perhaps the people suggesting using reins/buggy are picturing a sort of lobby area where people have parked buggies which has a direct door to the outside. (I didn't picture this, because I don't see why you would even have taken your child out to that part of the building if you wanted to stay and chat.)

Spinet · 09/10/2023 12:17

BertieBotts · 09/10/2023 12:13

I honestly think we must all be picturing totally different scenarios - I am equally as baffled as some of the respondents at the suggestion of using reins/pushchair in the middle of a toddler group while children are happily playing and mums are sitting drinking tea! Even time out I've only rarely seen used in that environment, and generally for something like hitting/biting another child, and everyone understands and is supportive in that case and the child usually is only crying for a minute or so. Rather than expecting them to be sat in the buggy for the whole of the free play session/tea and biscuits session.

But then perhaps the people suggesting using reins/buggy are picturing a sort of lobby area where people have parked buggies which has a direct door to the outside. (I didn't picture this, because I don't see why you would even have taken your child out to that part of the building if you wanted to stay and chat.)

Yes that's exactly what I was picturing, a hall with a place to park pushchairs and doors to the outside world. This is where the singing used to take place at our playgroup! But you're right of course, others will be different. In my one it would be perfectly possible / routine to strap a kid in with a biscuit and a drink and have a chat for 5 mins. Especially if they were bolters like mine were. But then I did tend to resort to the biscuit/pushchair school of child management when they were little.

user123212 · 09/10/2023 12:31

Is he like that generally? You can't distract him with a toy? I know a kid like this, his poor mum is exhausted. Suspect ADHD and hoping he'll grow out of it soon 😩

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 12:31

@BertieBotts what you have described is exactly it! It’s probably my fault for not being very clear. There is a 45 minute session and then there is a 15 minute session where toddlers can play freely with toys and mums (and dads if they are there!) can have tea and a chat, only mine always heads off. Frustratingly the door isn’t secure, he is pretty nifty with opening and getting into things though. Hope he hasn’t got a career as a burglar! So yes - hopefully that explains a bit more clearly why I said about tying him up. If it was just for a few minutes while I got everything ready that would be different.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 09/10/2023 12:38

Yes, that makes sense! And I think people are picking up on the goodbye song part as well - it is an unusual format to have a teatime after saying goodbye. Usually you'd have a tea break in the middle or at least move the goodbye song to the very end.

And it might be that your DS is unusually tall or proficient with doors too. So people are just making assumptions which are causing miscommunication.

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 12:41

I was a bit confused by the insistence that I was a dungaree baby wearing mum because I said about tying him up!

OP posts:
Namechangedagain20 · 09/10/2023 12:43

My DD always hated the goodbye song at the end as well, she didn’t like sitting round singing at any of the groups we went to. We would just start packing up when the song came on, wave goodbye and leave. If he enjoys the rest of the group then I would still go and just try to build up to staying. Just ask if he wants to stay and play for a bit and if it’s a no then leave, as he gets older he may want to. It’s not really something I’d make into a big issue.

Twinmum2020 · 09/10/2023 12:53

Well reins and puchchair are a last resort for bolters. Unsecured areas, parks for example. I tell my son first, bring him back and say, if you run off you will have to sit in the pushchair or wear reins. Then follow through. I have twins. I cant risk him bolting. All our situations are different. I have two and they both act very differently to the same techniques. My son has asd. They are three now.

Hufflepods · 09/10/2023 12:53

Lol he’d grab the snack and go for the door! 😂

You sound incredibly passive and this is where all your problems are coming from. Do you just let him do whatever he wants all the time??

DangerousAlchemy · 09/10/2023 12:54

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:25

Surely getting him back and making him wait while I get my things and saying thank you is a boundary?

no I personally would say the main boundary is that he doesn't run off in the first place. Soon your baby will be crawling & pulling themselves up & then you'll be running after your DS while either a. leaving your baby alone to potentially fall over & bang their head or b. you're carrying a heavy baby under one arm while running after your DS who has got through the doors into the car park etc again. No way I'd ve putting up with that oetsobally! I'd say other parents will then be judging your inability to prevent your DS from running off tbh.

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 12:58

He doesn’t bolt as a rule. It really is just at the end of these sessions before the stay and play. I don’t think ensuring he doesn’t, bringing him back and making sure we say thank you is being passive - I think that’s dealing with it in quite an active way. Passive would be just letting him go.

OP posts:
Bigbonesmeatandgravy · 09/10/2023 13:02

While I get that it would be lovely to have a chat and relax for 10 mins, this is just one of those situations where you have to accept it isn't going to (safely) happen yet.

You've got an energetic and bright child who has correctly learnt his cue to leave and is eager to get on to the next thing. If I was you I would just accept it and ride it out. He will become more patient with time.

But I get that although it's a small thing it adds up with the many other small sacrifices you make and can be quite demoralising. My son was similar, always a ball of energy and I would look at other babies and toddlers nicely contained and wonder when I would get that break! It comes eventually 🌸

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 13:03

Definitely - it’s nice weather tomorrow so at least we can get outside in the fresh air Smile

OP posts:
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