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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate that my toddler keeps deciding when we are going?

256 replies

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:41

When we go to a group at the moment my toddler knows the format and when it’s the ending song or rhyme gets up and walks/runs out.

I do bring him back and make him say good bye and thank you but he then as soon as we’ve said it he runs off again. It’s rubbish as it means I’m charging after him (also have a baby) and I know this is selfish but means I don’t get ten minutes to sit and chat with other mums, I’m not sure it anyone can relate?!

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 09/10/2023 13:12

peachgreen · 09/10/2023 09:02

Teaching him that he doesn’t get his own way all the time and that the world doesn’t run to his schedule is definitely not pointless! It’ll be painful for a week or two but you’ll get there.

Absolutely! Who is the parent here? Unless you make the effort to change his behaviour, he'll dictate everything you do.

starfishmummy · 09/10/2023 13:19

Seeline · 09/10/2023 08:52

Put him on reins or in the buggy.
Tell him you're not going until Mummy is ready and he needs to wait nicely. Then bring him back every time.
He needs to learn not to run off in any situation.

Exactly this. Kids need to learn to wait patiently while their parent is doing stuff - chatting to a neighbour, waiting in a queue etc.

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2023 13:26

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:58

It’s a stay and play - the idea is the children play freely while the adults chat. I could force him but it’s pointless and doesn’t look great effectively tying him down! I do want to carry on encouraging saying thank you, though, that is one of the few non negotiables I have.

But surely you've been chatting while he's playing?

I agree with you regarding the Thanks, but when it's finished he's done and it's time to go

MummyJ36 · 09/10/2023 13:29

Read all of your replies OP. Very frustrating and I understand why it feels a shame to miss out on the social aspect of things. If the door was securely locked would he eventually just give up and play? Or would he scream and try to get out? Could you have a word with the organiser to see if there’s any way of securing the door so a little person can’t so easily get out?

ConsuelaHammock · 09/10/2023 13:32

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:42

I just feel like tying him down before the end of the session isn’t enforcing a boundary, it is literally - I’ve never seen anyone do that, ever. I don’t mind admitting I would be mortified to do that and it would be horrible for the other children and mums as he’d start having a screaming tantrum and no one would be able to enjoy tea and play then, rather than just me!

He never runs into the car park, he literally opens the door and I’m on him. But it is probably best to give them a miss anyway, the baby is very, very unsettled and it’s hard to get through the days so this is probably an added pressure we don’t need.

He’ll fight you because he’s not used to it. Don’t make the same mistake with the baby. Get them used to a buggy and being strapped in when you’re ready to leave.
A buggy was one of best things about having children tbh. They’re safe, they have a ready made bed, you can put all your stuff in the basket. Why wouldn’t you want one of those?? You’re not a better parent because you give your toddler too much freedom. Parents will judge you more for being too lax than they will for strapping a crying toddler into a buggy.

ConsuelaHammock · 09/10/2023 13:36

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 10:55

And he’s lovely just knows his own mind … I guess that’s good!

It’s not necessarily good tbh. He needs to learn how to behave and to do what he’s told. He wouldn’t do that at three so you have to make him.

Mariposista · 09/10/2023 13:37

Definitely nip in the bud OP. YOU decide when you go/leave anywhere. Otherwise he will start doing it in other places, like the supermarket, grandma’s house, nursery.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/10/2023 13:37

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 12:31

@BertieBotts what you have described is exactly it! It’s probably my fault for not being very clear. There is a 45 minute session and then there is a 15 minute session where toddlers can play freely with toys and mums (and dads if they are there!) can have tea and a chat, only mine always heads off. Frustratingly the door isn’t secure, he is pretty nifty with opening and getting into things though. Hope he hasn’t got a career as a burglar! So yes - hopefully that explains a bit more clearly why I said about tying him up. If it was just for a few minutes while I got everything ready that would be different.

So you grab him when he heads off, and stick the reins on him then. Explain that he can either play with the other children, or stay by your side on reins.

To really hate that my toddler keeps deciding when we are going?
JustAMinutePleass · 09/10/2023 13:39

Let the organiser know and maybe they can tweak the format.

Cosyblankets · 09/10/2023 13:56

Namechangedagain20 · 09/10/2023 12:43

My DD always hated the goodbye song at the end as well, she didn’t like sitting round singing at any of the groups we went to. We would just start packing up when the song came on, wave goodbye and leave. If he enjoys the rest of the group then I would still go and just try to build up to staying. Just ask if he wants to stay and play for a bit and if it’s a no then leave, as he gets older he may want to. It’s not really something I’d make into a big issue.

Ask him if he wants to stay and if he says no then leave?
Who is the adult here?

margotrose · 09/10/2023 13:57

Keep the reins on him throughout the whole session, then when the "goodbye song" plays, grab the reins and keep him with you while you stay and chat.

Don't keep giving him the opportunity to bolt. He stays with you because he's a toddler and he doesn't get to just run off wherever he likes. I find it very odd that you're worried about him not saying "thank you" but keep letting him run off without you Confused

LabradorFiasco · 09/10/2023 13:59

Are there really only two or three of us who think it’s a crazy idea to have a ‘goodbye’ song for toddlers, after which nobody in fact says ‘goodbye’ but instead hangs out for another 15 minutes in the same room? The whole point of goodbye songs is to help little kids to know that the time has come to leave the fun place, facilitating the transition. My 3yo would finish the goodbye song and head for the door, because that’s what’s been socially indicated by the song. However, I would just bring him back (repeatedly) and explain that we will do another goodbye in 15 mins and first it’s biscuit and play time with our friends. I think you’ll have to endure a few sessions of repeated bringing back and explaining to break the cycle of him trying to leave, but then if he’s 3 years old and smart enough to read social cues (ie nobody else is leaving even though we did the goodbye song! And there are biscuits! And I can play!) then he should catch on.
Most PP seem to focus on the bolting/door leaving issue which is almost separate and one to practise at home/elsewhere too. So make it his job to run to the door and wait with his listening ears for mummy to say ‘let’s go!’ I find most toddlers will do anything set up as a ‘job’ :)

Gnomegnomegnome · 09/10/2023 13:59

The goodbye song means that it’s time to go so he’s doing it right!

Wouldn’t it just be easier to be prepared to go then?

Original poster
Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 14:07

Goodbye as in end of the session - it isn’t literally a song where you sing goodbye.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 09/10/2023 14:20

I'd tell him before the session that it's time to play afterwards. I'd then reinforce that by saying 'we aren't going yet, it's time to play' as soon as the song finishes. If he goes for the site, take him by the hand, lead him back and repeat. I'd also try to get him engaged with a toy. Repeat as many times as necessary. Eventually he'll get it and you might get your chat.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/10/2023 14:23

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:06

Yes, he’s ran out of the doors a few times now. I’ve always got him and brought him back but it is stressful. He doesn’t use a pushchair and I don’t think it would be very helpful to put reins on him at the end of each session and force him to stay. I do understand why people are suggesting it if it’s something I want to ‘win’ but it isn’t something I want to force. I just wish he was happy to play for a few minutes and didn’t have it in his head to leave!

If you don’t want to use a pushchair or reins, nor teach him, and are just hoping he’ll not do it next time, then I’m not sure you’ll have much luck.

How is he getting out of the doors?

Babyboomtastic · 09/10/2023 14:25

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 10:55

Same @whatdoidoaboutit Smile I am happy to enforce boundaries but if enforcing this particular boundary ruins a nice social time for everyone else, that isn’t fair.

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. It’s an organised activity with a social time at the end of it. Moo music if anyone knows it, there’s then Moo and a brew at the end only we never get to the end.

I sometimes have my baby in a sling but I don’t think I’ve owned dungarees since I was seven - i would need a nappy!

Surely NO ONE who babywears does it doing dungarees? And if they do, they'd only do it once 😂

Same goes for jumpsuits!

FWIW on this pointless tangent, I still sling my 4yo daily. I'm about as much of a baby/toddler/child wearing obsessive as they come. I've not owned dungarees since a child, not even in pregnancy even they seemed to be really common.

Namechangedagain20 · 09/10/2023 14:26

Well it’s a child’s playgroup, if my DD didn’t want to stay then I wasn’t going to. It wasn’t for me. If she wanted to stay then we stayed, if she didn’t then we went. It sounds like the OPs child doesn’t like that part, and I don’t see why you’d make a child stay at a play group they aren’t enjoying. There’s plenty of other situations to be the adult and enforce boundaries of things that you and they actually have to do. This isn’t one of them.

It sounds like the OP would be better off finding a stay and play that’s just where mums sit and chat and have a cup of tea whilst the kids play, if that’s what she wants to go for, rather than this one with a bit of a weird set up. Most playgroups have singing at the end and the kids get used to it as a cue to leave.

Goldbar · 09/10/2023 14:27

I'm assuming that this is a habit he's got into, rather than he doesn't like the group?

I'd take a snack he likes, make sure I'm holding his hand when the song ends and say 'Now it's time to have a snack'. Then begin playing with a toy yourself. Hopefully he'll start to play with you and he'll find some toys that he likes and get the idea that this is what he does after the end of the song.

Original poster
Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 14:30

I don’t know what I’m missing with how is he getting out of the doors - by opening them.

OP posts:
margotrose · 09/10/2023 14:32

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 14:30

I don’t know what I’m missing with how is he getting out of the doors - by opening them.

That's not what people mean. They mean how is he getting so far away from you that he's able to get out of the doors like he is. It's so dangerous.

SecondUsername4me · 09/10/2023 14:36

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 14:30

I don’t know what I’m missing with how is he getting out of the doors - by opening them.

But surely you are with your toddler to make sure he isn't going to the doors?

Violinist64 · 09/10/2023 14:49

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 14:30

I don’t know what I’m missing with how is he getting out of the doors - by opening them.

If he isn't opening the doors yet, I can guarantee that it won't be long before he learns how to and the possibility then is that he can run straight onto the road. This situation really is that serious and that dangerous. Also, a previous poster pointed out that even if he is not trying to leave any other buildings at the moment, he soon will. Again with the same potential serious consequences. This is why being an adult and being the parent in charge is of the utmost importance. Better a tantrum here and there than a dead child. Also, all these ridiculous comments about pushchairs and reins being akin to tying up a child.....really? They are valuable safety devices and if a child is used to them from the outset then there is no problem getting them in there when needed. My children are adults now, but I certainly used pushchairs and when they were small. It really worries me when I see very young children not in pushchairs or on reins who are miles away from their parents. Anything could happen to them.

Babyboomtastic · 09/10/2023 14:54

Surely you get them before they escape out of the door? Preferably before they even reach the door? Especially if you know they are likely to do this. I don't get why he makes it more than a couple of metres towards the door tbh, before he's taken by the hand led back and told they arent going.

hylian · 09/10/2023 15:03

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 12:58

He doesn’t bolt as a rule. It really is just at the end of these sessions before the stay and play. I don’t think ensuring he doesn’t, bringing him back and making sure we say thank you is being passive - I think that’s dealing with it in quite an active way. Passive would be just letting him go.

Have you considered he might be bolting because he doesn't like being made to stand there and say thank you before you leave?

I've honestly never seen toddlers being made to do this at play groups. Do any of the other parents make their kids do this?

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