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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend abroad staying but taking advantage

164 replies

icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 08:22

Had a close friend to stay from Itay but I feel taken advantage off and struggling with it.

Had to drive 3.5 hours due to strikes to pick up from airport to bring back here which I didn't mind
I have driven around for five days to various places they chose, paid for parking/fuel.
Friend hasn't offered to give fuel money or said/even offered to pay for parking. I did ask but they declined.
no offer of even buying me a coffee. I'm a single mum who works full time they have no kids, I had to save for this weekend (just a caravan holiday). My kids with their dad as it's his time with them.

At the accommodation- I've had to cook, constantly wash up and made drinks (even when I've clearly gone to just make me a coffee I've been asked to make them one. I've also cooked

I bought them a small gift but due them buying tons of stuff here bought they have said they cannot take it with them and for me to keep it as a memory which hurt

I declined to drive them three hours back as train strikes over so dropping off at local station but first of all chauffeuring around today to more attractions
I feel bloody pissed off and exhausted to be honest. I hate conflict but I'm struggling today to be normal. I wonder if it's a cultural thing- come from Italy. Counting down the hours.
AIBU

OP posts:
beanii · 09/10/2023 19:24

Clearly not a friend - just an easy holiday.

Personally I wouldn't contact them again.

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 09/10/2023 22:40

I wouldn’t be giving her a lift to the local station. Tell them the local taxi number.

Tilllly · 10/10/2023 05:01

Has she gone now? How're you feeling?

Anna79ishere · 10/10/2023 05:28

I have had several Italian friends over from Italy staying with me in the uk. They all paid their bit and offered to pay for lunch/dinners/tickets in the top as I was offering them a room. In your case you shared the caravan but you should have given you half of food and fuel. Even if she might have understood you were offering, once you asked and made it clear she should have said yes.
She wants to come back in July. text her back and say, sorry but I am left short of cash after our weekend as we did not split the cost, I am exhausted as I have dry en you everywhere without a say on where to go and I am really hurt you left my gift behind, I am not keen in you coming back. Ciao

larlypops · 10/10/2023 06:15

You’ve definitely got to bring it up, whether there is cultural difference or not, voice that you were so excited for her to come stay but you were left feeling used and tell her why. The fuel, making everything, buying food, ferrying her around.
It was meant to be a break for you too.
I wouldn’t care if this friendship ended tbf

FluffMagnet · 10/10/2023 08:09

I do think this shows that, as a nation, we are incredibly inhospitable people. If I'm hosting, I expect to feed my guests, provide them with drinks, run them around and do things with them. It's how my parents and their friends operate too. If they come bearing a small token gift, that is very kind but otherwise unnecessary. Southern Europeans are generally far more hospitable than us so I suspect she is probably finding you very rude too - culture clash. Rejecting a gift may well be a bit rude, but I've had many a guest ask me to hang on to presents for them (including MIL every Christmas ...) because their onwards travel is constraining.

AliceOlive · 10/10/2023 08:52

I am usually prepared fully host my guests but never had one fail to pay for a meal, bring a gift, offer to help clean up, offer to share outside costs. I’m American. I’ve seen the same with friends from other countries.

But this was also a different situation. They didn’t spend the entire time in OP’s home. I wouldn’t expect to pay for a shared accommodation and meals out.

MyAnacondaMight · 10/10/2023 10:33

It doesn’t sound like you are hosting your friend on a holiday, rather you are sharing a trip. She paid for flights and so it doesn’t seem a huge stretch to expect you to pay petrol. Maybe not what you were expecting, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption.

And the fact you have children is irrelevant - she doesn’t owe you money just because she’s single and has received an inheritance.

I can imagine a thread where someone is complaining that they’ve spent £300 on flights to see their friend, have paid half of accommodation etc., and their friend now wants paying for petrol too on the basis of being a single mother.

Ffion21 · 10/10/2023 12:41

How much was her flight? Could it be she seems she’s soent £200ish quid in a flight so you paying for petrol is equal distribution to spending time together?

GodDammitCecil · 10/10/2023 12:47

‘I don’t like conflict’ is such a cop out.

OK. You don’t like conflict. Join the club. Nobody does.

Do you like what’s going on here any better? Being taken advantage of? Hurt? Mugged off?

Didn’t think so.

AliceOlive · 10/10/2023 12:57

MyAnacondaMight · 10/10/2023 10:33

It doesn’t sound like you are hosting your friend on a holiday, rather you are sharing a trip. She paid for flights and so it doesn’t seem a huge stretch to expect you to pay petrol. Maybe not what you were expecting, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption.

And the fact you have children is irrelevant - she doesn’t owe you money just because she’s single and has received an inheritance.

I can imagine a thread where someone is complaining that they’ve spent £300 on flights to see their friend, have paid half of accommodation etc., and their friend now wants paying for petrol too on the basis of being a single mother.

That’s preposterous. What kind of friend would expect someone to foot part of their bill for anything just because it was more?

It has nothing to do with having children. If the woman couldn’t afford to pay for her trip then she shouldn’t have traveled.

Original poster
icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 10/10/2023 13:04

@MyAnacondaMight it was shared cost we agreed on halves for accommodation
Due to strike she asked me to drive over two hours which I agreed to but I thought she would have and should have paid diesel
It was very much a holiday for us both and I didn't host her at my home
Thank @everyone for all advice
Lesson learnt to grow a pair

OP posts:
RuthGreenwoods · 10/10/2023 18:03

Absolutely disgraceful. Those aren’t friends, they’re parasites. Lose them!

Whostolemymojo · 10/10/2023 18:14

This is a sensible answer!

it’s a difficult one when you pay for a flight to visit someone. They’ve probably paid a fair amount to come over and see you.
that doesn’t explain the lack of manners In not helping out with cooking etc which sounds as if this person might be lacking in generosity all round…

riceuten · 10/10/2023 18:21

I do wonder how these ‘friendships’ come about and prosper? If anyone asked me for money I hadn’t offered, I would be utterly mortified. Someone earlier said ‘this won’t happen again’ - I am not so sure personally. I would have long since slung them out. What kind of hold does she have on you?

MrsPetty · 10/10/2023 18:22

I can totally relate OP. I live in a nice part of the world and had a friend and her DD to stay a few years back. Collected them from the airport and she had a really large suitcase! She’d brought all her laundry to do at my house. She didn’t even strip the bed before they left and they were 💯 treated like a guest. Paid for nothing and I didn’t really expect them to but a thank you card might have been nice. When I dropped them back to the airport I thought there was literally nothing in that entire week that was of any benefit to me at all. It was just a free holiday for someone else and her daughter … we live and learn.

OVienna · 10/10/2023 18:42

Whether it's reasonable or not, it does sound like the OP's friend thought she was being hosted but the OP thought it was all split costs.

Regardless, I can't imagine a scenario where you don't offer to help pay for petrol bills, with this much driving going on. The woman is tight.

And also in rented accommodation, who would sit and watch someone cook all the meals and clean up for you???? OP - respectfully - grow a back bone on that front! Think about why you persisted doing that and set some better boundaries!

Not accepting the gift is bizarre and bad form as well.

Sounds like a bit of a freak and I'd be cooling things for sure.

LouLou1992 · 10/10/2023 19:17

Oh wow! This person is not a friend!

I understand you don’t like conflict - and it can be even harder when it’s someone you consider(ed!!) a friend. How did you agree to go half on the accommodation? Did one of you pay and then the other transferred the amount?

I’d send a text saying, ‘hey, was lovely to see you this weekend. I’ve kept a note on how much we* spent on petrol for travelling and food. Your half is XX. You’ll have my PayPal/Bank details from the accommodation cost (if she transferred it to you)’ (or send her your details if she doesn’t have them.

*WE!! Because she got the bloody fed and ferried around everywhere!!

Whether you’re short on money/a single parent/loaded, doesn’t matter. You went on a trip together and she got the benefit (took advantage) of the transport/food. If you have receipts, even better. Send her a photo!

Don’t look at it as confrontation - you’re just squaring up after a trip! 😀

Evan456 · 10/10/2023 20:06

What did they bring you as a gift?

Berty13 · 10/10/2023 20:48

I'm Italian and this is not the way "Italians do". Your 'friend' has no common sense and awareness. You should say what you think! You've done so much and doesn't seem like they've appreciated. Don't be scared of expressing your thoughts, its more important in this case be honest with yourself and them.

Solonge · 10/10/2023 20:55

They declined to pay for parking??? I would give them a list of what you have spent and tell them next year you will be visiting them and expecting the same services you provided and money lavished on you!. Nothing to do with being Italian, they are just CFs.

MarrymeJM · 10/10/2023 21:30

They were perhaps being a bit stingy but it depends on cultural norms etc. I think if someone picked me from the airport , a friend and asked first for money I wouldn't know what to say. Apart from pay up. But then I would not offer to pay as I wouldn't see them as a taxi driver but a friend picking me. And that sometime in the future I will do the same for them. Perhaps times have changed .
I remember as a child 7 of us being hosted by relatives, being driven around to different attractions . As guests we are never expected to pay for any of this however there may come a time when my parents would need to host someone for days on end. And they did.
I found it all rather stressful tbh.
I'm Glad we have holiday resorts now!

Mikki77 · 10/10/2023 21:40

Why oh why did you buy her a gift?

ELI81 · 10/10/2023 23:59
Good Night Skeleton GIF by Sealed With A GIF

Honestly, i'm italian and let me tell you he/she is taking the piss!!! Kick them out with a kick in the butt and don't invite them anymore!! Rude behaviour and selfish! We are not all like that!

ELI81 · 11/10/2023 00:06

Honestly you could have immediately dropped her to the closest train station or airport to go back!! Awful behaviour from your "friend "