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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend abroad staying but taking advantage

164 replies

icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 08:22

Had a close friend to stay from Itay but I feel taken advantage off and struggling with it.

Had to drive 3.5 hours due to strikes to pick up from airport to bring back here which I didn't mind
I have driven around for five days to various places they chose, paid for parking/fuel.
Friend hasn't offered to give fuel money or said/even offered to pay for parking. I did ask but they declined.
no offer of even buying me a coffee. I'm a single mum who works full time they have no kids, I had to save for this weekend (just a caravan holiday). My kids with their dad as it's his time with them.

At the accommodation- I've had to cook, constantly wash up and made drinks (even when I've clearly gone to just make me a coffee I've been asked to make them one. I've also cooked

I bought them a small gift but due them buying tons of stuff here bought they have said they cannot take it with them and for me to keep it as a memory which hurt

I declined to drive them three hours back as train strikes over so dropping off at local station but first of all chauffeuring around today to more attractions
I feel bloody pissed off and exhausted to be honest. I hate conflict but I'm struggling today to be normal. I wonder if it's a cultural thing- come from Italy. Counting down the hours.
AIBU

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 09/10/2023 14:09

I know my friend was taken out to dinner in Venice by a friend based there and the friend insisted on paying… however it’s not the culture here. Even assuming she’s not British you can’t swan around the world inviting yourself to stay with people and expect them to pick up the tab. It’s irrelevant what happens in Italy. I don’t believe she’s that ignorant of the workings of the world.

Gymnopedie · 09/10/2023 14:10

To those PPs telling OP to go to Italy and let the friend host and pay, call me a cynic but I very much think that she would at least expect OP to go halves, if not actually to pay for things on the grounds that OP is the visitor who wants to see them and she doesn't.

jlpth · 09/10/2023 14:13

Nice and easy to cut contact if she's in Italy

Kta7 · 09/10/2023 14:18

jenpil · 09/10/2023 13:48

Halves. 👍**

Show quote history

It was perfectly comprehensible! 👎

honeybeetheoneandonly · 09/10/2023 14:29

Ehm, what are you still doing there??? Pack your stuff and go home. The friendship surely has sailed. How she gets from where you both are right now to the train station or airport is none of your concern. Why are you staying on a holiday you are not enjoying and is pretty much over anyway. I would just go home. If you must, tell her that something has come up and you must leave immediately. One way or another I wouldn't stick it out. Not even for another few hours.

liverpoolgal82 · 09/10/2023 14:30

Message her and list costs and what she owes for half price. List accommodation with a note saying - you’ve paid for this so now can she pay for her half costs.
Before she leaves tell her that you’ll e mail her the costs and bank details as you haven’t worked it out yet so that it’s put in her head that it was a shared cost experience and not all on you.

I do think you were mad to stop and get money and give it to her instead of saying “oh I’ll balance that against the costs I’ve didn’t once I’ve worked it out”.
End of conversation!!

Maraudingmarauders · 09/10/2023 14:31

Qwaszx · 09/10/2023 12:46

Is this a cultural thing?

I stayed with parents friend in Rome for a week. They would not allow me to pay for anything, as I was the guest, and they were showing me their country. I felt rather embarrassed but they were adament.

I have Greek friends who behave similarly.

Certainly my family in Italy are the same- they'd be mortified st the thought of us paying for anything when we stay for them (although sometimes they will let us take them out for a thank you meal - but they usually end up making sure we go to a restaurant run by friends so we get it for cheap or free!) And will spend their days running us around. They loan us their car and even their apartment (they shack up with friends etc) to ensure no hassle or cost to us.
However, I also cannot fathom them turning down a request for expenses if they were visiting us, or declining a gift (unless completely inappropriate to travel with - what was it??)
They might have something to say to each other once they left about our inhospitable nature but they wouldn't so rude as to decline to our face. Also I think as you are sharing external accommodation it is different to hosting in your home a little.
So I think partially cultural and partially CF...

stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 09/10/2023 14:35

I'm quite conflict avoidant but I think if I asked someone to pay half of the petrol money and they just flat out said no they wouldn't be getting in my car again and I'd tell them to get an uber anywhere they wanted to go.

Bollindger · 09/10/2023 14:39

Ok you send her this message,

Dear friend, you agreed to pay half on expenses,
Here is a list of the extra cost WE have incurred during holiday, look forward to receiving your share, account number,,,,,

Next time someone says do you want to...xxx,,,, ?

Say this... oh that sounds nice but can I get back to you after I have a think about it...

If you go forward, you say, If someone needs picking up, can you send me the petrol money, as I didn't budget for it, unless you want to pay for a taxi and just meet me there....

Newestname002 · 09/10/2023 14:43

@icantthinkwhatusernametouse

I kind of feel for me friendship dead

Absolutely OP. A friend would not treat a friend so disdainfully and, in your place, I would not be letting her have another go at treating me like dirt beneath her feet.

You, however, also need to take some responsibility for how badly you allowed her to treat you. You are an adult, earn your own money, can (I suppose) discipline your children. Please don't allow anybody at all to treat you with such disrespect. You have a voice and you have mental capacity so, please, use them to your advantage.

People will very often treat you how you let them treat you - value yourself better and back away from users like this.

You don't need to use your time and energy on having people like this in your life. I hope you have a better week ahead. 🌹

Thebigblueballoon · 09/10/2023 14:46

Honestly, I wouldn’t even bother emailing her. I wouldn’t waste my words. I’d never contact her, or respond to any contact from her, ever again.
I can’t believe you bit your tongue when she suggested visiting you again in January. Her lack of respect or care for you is galling.

Notveryhappy1 · 09/10/2023 14:53

This is awful OP. Don't beat yourself up about it though. Learn this person is not your friend. Once you get rid of her do not have any further contact with her. Perhaps go to your GP to set up some counselling. It can be by text or video chat. Just to help improve your boundaries and self esteem. You sound a lovely person and any normal person would be touched by the effort you have gone to. The problem is not with you.

LusaBatoosa · 09/10/2023 14:55

I did ask but they declined.

The audacity of this is actually quite impressive. What was your response?!

jannier · 09/10/2023 15:00

I wouldn't have been cooking if it was a rental why didn't you say "what are you cooking for us tonight?" "I'll cook you wash up"

aloris · 09/10/2023 15:12

Dear Betty,

We agreed to go halves on this holiday. I fulfilled my end of this arrangement by going to a cashpoint and getting out my half of the caravan rental. However you failed to fulfill your side because you did not pay for petrol. The petrol costs for me to drive you around all weekend were: (put a list of all petrol costs here). I also did all the cooking and washing up, and to be honest I do not understand why you didn't offer to help with this as it's free and I was also on holiday. I feel that I was treated like your maid and chauffeur the whole weekend and as if I was expected to pay you for the honor.

As you know, I'm a single mother. I cannot afford to do this much extra driving without being reimbursed. Please send me X monies for your half of the holiday.

sincerely
Icantthinketc

Mistressanne · 09/10/2023 15:13

That's awful.
When we stayed with friends in the US we owed half for a b&b. I added $200 extra for petrol and said I knew they had given tips where we wouldn't think.
Friend was very grateful.

Wishimaywishimight · 09/10/2023 15:28

You feel mugged off because that is exactly what happened.

You really needed to stop with the chauffeuring about, paying for things etc when she said "no". My response would have been "excuse me?" and leave her to attempt some sort of explanation for your such atrocious mean-ness.

Once she's gone thank your lucky stars she is out of your life. She is no friend.

If she suggests coming back for another visit just say "you have got to be joking!. Your last trip cost me a fortune and left me exhausted. Not happening again".

I am reluctant to write off friendships however she really is no loss. She cares not a jot about you.

Therealjudgejudy · 09/10/2023 15:31

She isnt a friend she is a user.

You allowed yourself to be used. Seriously, get some boundaries.

Let her make her own way to the train station and just go home yourself

BMW6 · 09/10/2023 15:32

OP drive off leaving her at the caravan site. Just go home by yourself.

When you get home send her an email telling her to Fuck Off

MikeRafone · 09/10/2023 15:40

Friend hasn't offered to give fuel money or said/even offered to pay for parking. I did ask but they declined.

wtf, they declined to give you a share of the costs of the trip....

sounds like they are taking the piss

HerMammy · 09/10/2023 15:45

I'm always quite mystified by i don't like cknfrontation
So you'd rather be out of pocket and angry than speak up for yourself? This is why these CFs exist because ppl allow it

amicissimma · 09/10/2023 15:45

"Had to drive 3.5 hours due to strikes to pick up from airport to bring back here which I didn't mind"

Well you didn't 'have to', but you chose to, which I would have thought any normally decent person would.

"I have driven around for five days to various places they chose, paid for parking/fuel. I did ask but they declined."

Why on earth did you choose to drive at all on the second day, never mind three, four and five? One journey of her not paying is more than enough. Car keys stay in pocket thereafter.

"I've had to cook, constantly wash up and made drinks"

No you haven't. Once again, you chose to. Again, after the first time, the obvious solution was to cook, wash and make drinks for yourself alone. If she asked you to do so, the appropriate response is 'I did it last time; it's your turn for both of us'.

At least you decided not to drive her to the airport, but unless she held a gun to your head, the other doormat behaviours were entirely your choice. There didn't need to be any conflict to avoid; you just needed to calmly and politely say that you weren't up to doing all the driving/cooking/cleaning/paying and if she wasn't going to share you'd better do your own thing.

VineRipened · 09/10/2023 15:48

Sorry it hasn't been the holiday and get together you were looking forward to.

Often when friends travel a long way to visit me I think 'fair enough, for us to be together you did a flight / expensive train journey / long drive or whatever so I'll pay for more and host when you get here. Friends often treat me to dinner when I travel from one end of the UK to the other to see them, on the same basis - but of course I also take them out / get a takeaway to say thank you for having me.

If she is wealthy, and can see that you are not she has been thoughtless and selfish.

What usually happens when you are together?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/10/2023 15:55

That's absolutely shocking behaviour from a so called friend
To bluntly refuse when you( rightly) had to ask for a contribution to petrol costs shows how self centred and unkind she is Who could think this is ok!
I'm cross on your behalf!
She's taking the piss
If you don't feel comfortable to mention costs now, wait until she leaves and contact her straight away with your bank/ PayPal details and ask her for expenses You wouldn't need to ask a friend
Don't let her get away with this and obviously say no to future visits

gamerchick · 09/10/2023 15:56

icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 11:36

Just a I've spent £55 on petrol...please could you possibly help me with the cost?
I got a no back

That was your time to say ' then we can't go anywhere else as I can't afford it' and left it with her.

Dont do this again with her.

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