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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend abroad staying but taking advantage

164 replies

icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 08:22

Had a close friend to stay from Itay but I feel taken advantage off and struggling with it.

Had to drive 3.5 hours due to strikes to pick up from airport to bring back here which I didn't mind
I have driven around for five days to various places they chose, paid for parking/fuel.
Friend hasn't offered to give fuel money or said/even offered to pay for parking. I did ask but they declined.
no offer of even buying me a coffee. I'm a single mum who works full time they have no kids, I had to save for this weekend (just a caravan holiday). My kids with their dad as it's his time with them.

At the accommodation- I've had to cook, constantly wash up and made drinks (even when I've clearly gone to just make me a coffee I've been asked to make them one. I've also cooked

I bought them a small gift but due them buying tons of stuff here bought they have said they cannot take it with them and for me to keep it as a memory which hurt

I declined to drive them three hours back as train strikes over so dropping off at local station but first of all chauffeuring around today to more attractions
I feel bloody pissed off and exhausted to be honest. I hate conflict but I'm struggling today to be normal. I wonder if it's a cultural thing- come from Italy. Counting down the hours.
AIBU

OP posts:
Rewis · 09/10/2023 10:19

icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 09:40

@Rewis unfortunately what else can I do?

It was intended as a question if that is what happend. But if that was it then you sit her down and tell her she needs to pay for fuel and parking. If she refuses then you cook only for yourself, wash your own stuff, make your own coffee, drive yourself to places or explore area by foot and she'll just have to figure it out. I'm really struggling to see where a close friends go on holiday and the other flat put asks for a contribution towards something sensible and they just say no without giving any reason.

ShadowsontheHill · 09/10/2023 10:20

How long have you known this person? Bin them off as a friend and you need to learn to find your voice because people will always take advantage of you.

I think back to an office I worked in many years ago, one senior manager was always trying to borrow money for lunch. I would always say no but one woman would always say yes. She was a single parent and not well off, he would not always pay her back. By then had stopped asking me.

The fact that didn’t take the present and everything honestly I actually don’t think they even like you.

WaltzingWaters · 09/10/2023 11:06

Go visit her soon. Pay only for your flights and let her be a superhost to you whilst you’re her guest.

beAsensible1 · 09/10/2023 11:11

icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 09:40

@Rewis unfortunately what else can I do?

OP this sucks but also you need to stand up
for yourself. She can’t just say “no” to contributing. And if they do then do not drive, don’t drop her to the station make her pay for a cab!

and if she hasn’t left yet, suck it up and say this is how much I’ve spent on petrol and parking here is your half and here are my bank details, please pay before you leave the caravan!

Original poster
icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 11:13

I am looking forward to getting home tonight with the kids
I feel like been one sided not done anything I wanted it at all
Last thing that hurt was the gift I love to give gifts I get a lot of pleasure out of it and I do not expect in return at all however it hurt I chucked it in the bin it wasn't much.
Friend also wanted to extend visit to come stay with me and me drive her three hours to airport. I said no because I go back to work and I have enough on my plate.
Not sure where we go- been close friends for years but always met in London for a couple days.
I can't do this again. Feel sad as I was looking forward to this so much

OP posts:
Original poster
icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 11:15

@Rewis I was showing her my home county we stayed about 1 hour from home
You are right in what you say
She goes home this afternoon at three and then I'm freeee

OP posts:
Original poster
icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 11:16

Btw can I ask what CF means

OP posts:
Original poster
icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 11:17

Looking forward to my teen making me a coffee bless her she always does

OP posts:
Llloydwells · 09/10/2023 11:20

Can you describe how the conversation were your freeloading friend declined to pay for parking went?

Original poster
icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 11:36

Just a I've spent £55 on petrol...please could you possibly help me with the cost?
I got a no back

OP posts:
anareen · 09/10/2023 11:40

That is very strange. I don't think you are wrong at all. Leave the "friend" at whatever attraction and just go home 🤣 if they call say you kindly decline spending the day being a taxi and would much rather spend your time at home.

Natty13 · 09/10/2023 11:48

First of all I'm sorry this happened and i don't mean for my advice to pile on or make you feel worse, just something to think about for the future.

I feel sick with exhaustion and back to work tomorrow

You're sad, let down, physically exhausted and feeping the exact opposite of how you should feel after a weekend away with a good friend. Half of that is because of her being a cheeky cow but some of is is very much your fault. I get you don't like confrontation but take it from someone who doesn't take any shit like this, putting your foot down on a lot of this behavioir would have left you going home feeling a lot better than you are now. Grow a backbone. NOBODY likes confronting in situations like this, but we do it because the alternative is feeling even worse!

towriteyoumustlive · 09/10/2023 11:57

icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 11:36

Just a I've spent £55 on petrol...please could you possibly help me with the cost?
I got a no back

WTAF?!?!? She said NO!?

To be honest, you've been treated like a mug! (CF = cheeky fucker).

This isn't a friendship. The friendship is doomed. When this friend has "left", just send them the following message:

"Hi <friend's name>. It was so lovely to see you and I had a great time. I'm rather short on money being a single parent, so would it be possible for you to pay your share of the parking and petrol costs for the week of £XX. My paypal details are <your email address>. Thank you x"

If they pay then great! If they don't then you know where you stand.

I spent a week staying with a friend in Germany and paid my share of all meals out, trips, entrance fees etc... then bought them coffee and cake, took their son out etc... I just got her to add everything up then at the end of the week transferred my half to her.

Buttoutofmywedding · 09/10/2023 11:58

icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 11:36

Just a I've spent £55 on petrol...please could you possibly help me with the cost?
I got a no back

This is absolutely shocking. You said exactly that and she just shook her head no?

I think you need to say something before she goes.

"I need to speak to you before you leave. I feel so upset at how I've been treated. I've done all the driving, cooking, you didn't even return the favour of the countless cups of coffees. I asked you to share the cost of the petrol and you refused. You should have been paying the majority as I am driving you but you've paid nothing. You've bought so much stuff for yourself you have refused my gift. I am beyond hurt and also angry."

Original poster
icantthinkwhatusernametouse · 09/10/2023 12:02

Not to even buy the food at the caravan
We go to Starbucks and she insists on paying separately
She got a massive inheritance and is single.

I kind of feel for me friendship dead

Was no way she was saying in my house beyond today. She's talking about coming January that isn't ok by me.

I know I need to grow a pair of balls

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 09/10/2023 12:03

Thats shocking that she didn't want to help you with the fuel costs. We'll you know what, I'd drop them off at the nearest train station, they can catch the train to the airport. I'd explain I can't afford the fuel. Never have her over again.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 09/10/2023 12:13

It might be customary for you to pay since she was the guest. This is a lovely kind gesture, you’re off to Italy soon right, as her guest.

Cowlover89 · 09/10/2023 12:14

Bin her

anareen · 09/10/2023 12:14

Sumtimesiamgreen · 09/10/2023 12:13

It might be customary for you to pay since she was the guest. This is a lovely kind gesture, you’re off to Italy soon right, as her guest.

🤣

purplecorkheart · 09/10/2023 12:23

Either book a cheap flight to Italy and return the favour of letting her pay for everything.

Or personally I would calculate everything she owes you down to the penny and send her quite a blunt email stating that this is the exact figure that she owes you. Tell her that you expect the payment by date x. Make it clear that you are telling her to pay and not asking for a contribution. If you do not get it I would consider the friendship over.

Appleblum · 09/10/2023 12:26

She was very rude to decline when you asked her for a contribution, but, on the few occasions we have visited friends overseas, they have never let us pay for anything! They would pick us up from the airport, put us up, bring us sightseeing, bring us to great restaurants, etc. On the rare occasion they might let us buy them a meal at the end as a thank you, but we'd have to fight really hard to pay. We do the same when they visit us.

I don't know, I guess different friendship circles do things differently?

SheerLucks · 09/10/2023 12:26

She got a massive inheritance and is single.

I was about to say that maybe she was on a very tight budget until you updated with this - wow!

I think it's less that she's been visiting her old friend in the UK, but rather her visit to the UK has been facilitated by an old friend.

She sounds completely self-absorbed and I'm sorry you had a rotten time. Could you maybe organise a trip to visit her - she may turn out to be a better host than guest?

anareen · 09/10/2023 12:29

Appleblum · 09/10/2023 12:26

She was very rude to decline when you asked her for a contribution, but, on the few occasions we have visited friends overseas, they have never let us pay for anything! They would pick us up from the airport, put us up, bring us sightseeing, bring us to great restaurants, etc. On the rare occasion they might let us buy them a meal at the end as a thank you, but we'd have to fight really hard to pay. We do the same when they visit us.

I don't know, I guess different friendship circles do things differently?

They insisted they pay though. OP did not and even asked for compensation. Not the same dynamic at all

literalviolence · 09/10/2023 12:36

What was the gift? Was it big?

Qwaszx · 09/10/2023 12:46

Is this a cultural thing?

I stayed with parents friend in Rome for a week. They would not allow me to pay for anything, as I was the guest, and they were showing me their country. I felt rather embarrassed but they were adament.

I have Greek friends who behave similarly.

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