Page 9 | Son opened my birthday chocs

Newbieatthis · 2023-10-09T00:32:02+00:00

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

Thewizardbinbag · 09/10/2023 09:39

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 09:34

I think it's both YANBU and YABU. It wasnt very nice of him to open your chocolates without asking you and to not even apologise. But I wouldnt expect my child to spend his own money replacing it. A conversation for him to understand why this was upsetting I think is enough.

Why? Why wouldn’t you expect your 16 year old to spend his money to replace something he took? When it was meant to be a gift from him in the first place and he didn’t even bother to get it; he left his dad to sort it out.

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/10/2023 09:40

GrazingSheep · 09/10/2023 07:51

This thread is very instructive. It goes some way to explaining why a significant number of boys grow up into man-children.

Doesn't it? Also, the threads in which parents complain that their resident, adult children are all take and no give.

Pressthespacebar · 09/10/2023 09:40

yanbu to tell him off for opening your chocolate, but you are BU for making such a massive deal and expected him to replace them, and for using the word chocs.

Hopetobeagranny · 09/10/2023 09:40

Let it go, you will look back at what he did and laugh in years to come...

Peachee · 09/10/2023 09:41

YABU - I feel this is a bit over the top over a box of chocolates. Maybe he fancied one and wanted to share 🤷‍♀️ I might be wrong with regards to boundaries but I would want my children to know they could share anything with me and visa versa, other people, friends, strangers, teachers, whatever - no - but anything that belonged to me - yes. After all, we shared my body for 9 months.

Dramatic · 09/10/2023 09:41

TheHappinessEnigma · 09/10/2023 08:47

I don’t agree with him doing it, I’d have clipped his ear (sort of).
But all the recommendations of not doing his washing, removing his door, etc, are exaggerated nonsense.

Show quote history

I don't think anyone has seriously suggested removing his door

JinglingSpringbells · 09/10/2023 09:41

The point is IMO that at almost 16 and with pocket money, he ought to be going to a shop and buying a gift himself.

Not relying on his Dad to do that. It's the OP's partner at fault here and he ought to be reading the riot act to the son.

Even a cheap box of chocs from a corner shop that he'd bought himself, with his own money, would have more meaning, rather than simply handing over something that someone else had bought. (And in this case, eating some of it himself beforehand.)

It's pretty appalling behaviour and I don't see any sign of his Dad trying to instill some emotional intelligence.

Tessisme · 09/10/2023 09:41

YANBU. I would be really annoyed at this. I usually open my chocolates and tell everyone to help themselves, but I wouldn't be happy if someone else thought it was ok to open them and start scoffing. But I don't think I would make a 15yo replace them. I'd just have a talk with him about respecting other people's things and about the difference between decent chocolates and ordinary, everyday chocolates😆

Dramatic · 09/10/2023 09:42

Peachee · 09/10/2023 09:41

YABU - I feel this is a bit over the top over a box of chocolates. Maybe he fancied one and wanted to share 🤷‍♀️ I might be wrong with regards to boundaries but I would want my children to know they could share anything with me and visa versa, other people, friends, strangers, teachers, whatever - no - but anything that belonged to me - yes. After all, we shared my body for 9 months.

But what are you teaching him there? That you don't deserve respect?

Somanycats · 09/10/2023 09:42

Nazzywish · 09/10/2023 02:30

Is this a one off re taking something of yours ? He's a Kid let it go OP, one day when you need feeding by his hands as an old frail woman he may just remember what a miser you were. Why is there such a big complex with food and kids eating it on mumsnet. If you've taught them respect, and he is generally well behaved then the odd sneaky treat from mums chocolates- isn't a big thing. Also don't you just share all the food in the house treats or not? Maybe reframe how you look at food and don't see it as this person's and that - have everyone share everything that comes into the house, makes for a less selfish approach from parents towards your own flesh and blood, and your own kids not feeling like they're a burden on their parents for eating a bloody chocolate.

No. To all of this.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/10/2023 09:43

Thought you were going to say he was 5. Teens know better. Yes, he needs to replace.

Xsxjxmx · 09/10/2023 09:43

Absolutely not unreasonable, he opened your gift without asking, he needs to replace it! And like for like not a cheaper version

readbooksdrinktea · 09/10/2023 09:45

Maybe he fancied one and wanted to share 🤷‍♀️

They weren't his to share.

Thewizardbinbag · 09/10/2023 09:45

Peachee · 09/10/2023 09:41

YABU - I feel this is a bit over the top over a box of chocolates. Maybe he fancied one and wanted to share 🤷‍♀️ I might be wrong with regards to boundaries but I would want my children to know they could share anything with me and visa versa, other people, friends, strangers, teachers, whatever - no - but anything that belonged to me - yes. After all, we shared my body for 9 months.

Yes, you are very wrong about boundaries.

You are the main woman in your children’s lives. They learn how to treat women from how they are taught to treat you. They learn respect, fairness, kindness to those they love with and to women from how they treat you.

Sharing is wonderful, but sharing doesn’t mean taking something someone else has and using it because, “hey, we always share.” That’s not sharing; that’s taking. Taking someone else’s gift, and then replacing it with someone worse is so disrespectful and selfish. And really look at male entitlement around the world; it starts here.

Cinnamonspice1 · 09/10/2023 09:45

I agree, but we mustn’t be so harsh and we should teach them with love and explain the reason why.

Let me tell you, I am a kind person and my children have learnt how to be kind to others as I am kind with them. Ppl always tell me how kind and caring my kids are, so I must be doing something right.

Xsxjxmx · 09/10/2023 09:46

@Nazzywish the kid took a present, it isn't the fact he took food without asking, he took someone else's gift without thought about the person the gift actually belonged to. It's rude. If someone took my new jumper I'd been bought and wore it first without asking od still be annoyed, it's not about the chocolate it's the principle of the fact it was a birthday gift

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 09/10/2023 09:47

YANBU.

You’re teaching him a valuable lesson about respecting other people’s things. If he was really young I might say go a little easier on him, but as a teen with access to money then you’re doing exactly what I would do.

Anyone suggesting you’re too harsh is too soft.

ElleCapitaine · 09/10/2023 09:47

Change the Wi-Fi password. Your chocolates will be replaced before the end of the day.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 09/10/2023 09:47

Peachee · 09/10/2023 09:41

YABU - I feel this is a bit over the top over a box of chocolates. Maybe he fancied one and wanted to share 🤷‍♀️ I might be wrong with regards to boundaries but I would want my children to know they could share anything with me and visa versa, other people, friends, strangers, teachers, whatever - no - but anything that belonged to me - yes. After all, we shared my body for 9 months.

And at no point did you set a boundary on your own body? Never stopped breastfeeding, never stopped carrying them in a sling, never said “mummy’s going to the loo, no you can’t come in”? What’s yours is theirs – money, phone, work laptop, dinner still on your plate, makeup, time, energy? Why would you want to raise humans who think they’re entitled to everything?

Xsxjxmx · 09/10/2023 09:48

Peachee · 09/10/2023 09:41

YABU - I feel this is a bit over the top over a box of chocolates. Maybe he fancied one and wanted to share 🤷‍♀️ I might be wrong with regards to boundaries but I would want my children to know they could share anything with me and visa versa, other people, friends, strangers, teachers, whatever - no - but anything that belonged to me - yes. After all, we shared my body for 9 months.

If he wanted to share he would have asked to have one, not taken it without asking. Shared my bost or not, you don't help yourself to someone else's present

magratvonlipwig · 09/10/2023 09:50

You are absolotutely NOT BU.

He has to learn you dont take peoples stuff, and that gifts are special, and just cos youre his doesnt entitle him to everything thats yours, without asking.
Id be furious too. Id be annoyed at the unwrapping even without the eating.

DP should tell DS where the chocs were from and should also be annoyed that the thing he purchased, for you, werent for any random family member to help them selves to

Montegufoni2017 · 09/10/2023 09:52

YANBU. This is a learning moment. He can’t take things that don’t belong to him and not then make it right. This wasn’t crisps in the cupboard, this was a known birthday gift. I think you need to explain to him properly though, I don’t think he’s quite getting it. He’s old enough to understand so sit him down and explain why you’re annoyed and how he can make it right.

phoenixrosehere · 09/10/2023 09:55

Peachee · 09/10/2023 09:41

YABU - I feel this is a bit over the top over a box of chocolates. Maybe he fancied one and wanted to share 🤷‍♀️ I might be wrong with regards to boundaries but I would want my children to know they could share anything with me and visa versa, other people, friends, strangers, teachers, whatever - no - but anything that belonged to me - yes. After all, we shared my body for 9 months.

If he fancied one, he should have asked, not take it on himself to take his mother’s gift and help himself.

It was OP’s gift so her decision to decide whether or not she wanted to share her gift in the first place.

You choose to share and there is nothing wrong with that and OP doesn’t want to share her gift and there is nothing wrong with that either.

What is wrong is not even bothering to ask and assuming you can just take something that is not yours and then to add insult to injury not apologise and not properly replace what wasn’t yours.

Seaweed42 · 09/10/2023 09:57

He left the 'cheapo' chocs in the kitchen and didn't say a word.

Because he's 15 and doesn't really have the words.

He made a mistake and fixed it, mostly and to a large extent.

Maybe he doesn't recognise the difference between posh chocs and not. He thinks chocolate is chocolate.

So it's Lindt vs Maltesers type of thing?

He's not coming into the situation with the decades of life experience that you have.

You can roast him over the spit for days and weeks and twist the knife but vear this in mind, people don't forget being shamed.
Especially in front of others.

5YearsLeft · 09/10/2023 09:57

Sigh.

This thread will just go on forever because it’s filled with 50% people who don’t seem to understand it’s not about the chocolates. (“It’s not about the chocolates” could be the new bloody “cancel the chèque” pretty soon).

It’s about a birthday gift being used by someone else.

Let’s say instead of chocolates, they’re… fireworks. Yes, it happens OP is a huge fireworks aficionado. She was given some very choice fireworks for her birthday and she’s been looking forward to setting them off and taking photos over the weekend. She opens the closet and discovers… the package is open and half her expensive fireworks are gone. Her son has set them off, she never got to see it, he’s not sorry, he seems not to care, and when she asks for them to be replaced since they were her only birthday present, he gives her a 99p cigarette lighter from Lidl.

I hope this analogy has helped everyone saying, “Oh, but I love my children and always share my chocolates,” and cannot understand the concept or existence of a birthday gift.

I know this whole thread is crackers (or chocolates) and I shouldn’t care at all, but if there’s one thing that annoys me more on MN than maybe anything else, it’s this idea that mums can’t have anything that is theirs and theirs alone, not even apparently a birthday present. When the fuck did motherhood become synonymous with joining some wacky commune?