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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son opened my birthday chocs

518 replies

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:32

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

OP posts:
1month · 09/10/2023 09:18

Ask him how he’d feel if you ate his chocolates.

I’m sure there was no malicious intent but YANBU and it’s not on.

I wouldn’t dream of eating my DDs chocolates and she wouldn’t eat mine.

BodenCardiganNot · 09/10/2023 09:18

@Canisaysomething
He is almost 16. Not a child who is still learning.

Canisaysomething · 09/10/2023 09:19

Also explain that everyone values gifts differently and although it isn’t important to your DS, gifts may well be important to others.

JustMaggie · 09/10/2023 09:20

Do an Elsa and let it go for goodness sake. There are bigger hills to die on.

Snugglemonkey · 09/10/2023 09:20

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 08:09

don't be daft. It doesn't have to be like the Stalingrad siege.

It only has to be: nope, son. You replace gifts that you have consumed, even partially, as like for like, and until that happens i won't be happy about what you have done.

No taking off his door, no kicking him out, no being anything other than a normal decent parent who is instilling good boundaries and social awareness in a young man.

Show quote history

This. It does not even need to be a row, just asserting that it is not OK and will not be until it is sorted out. He does need to learn.

plumtreebroke · 09/10/2023 09:21

Buy yourself a double box on his birthday and use (some) of the money you would have spent on him, so he misses out on a present or two.

willWillSmithsmith · 09/10/2023 09:22

ToadOnTheHill · 09/10/2023 09:15

Yanbu. As a parent it's your job to teach him how to be a civilised human being. Is he bein a civilised human being? Is letting it go going to make him one? No.

And DP is as bad for replacing them with crap chocolates!

This is a moment for sitting him down, with DH present if he is paying, and telling him hes taking the piss and not to speak to you or ask for anything until he replaces like for like. And that with Xmas coming up he had better think hard about treating people as youd like to be treated.

The only thing I would have done differently is I'd have kept the rest of the posh chocolate and asked for an entire replacement.

You’d tell your son not to speak to you until he replaces the chocolates?

amusedbush · 09/10/2023 09:22

I've seen a LOT of "YABU" responses on similar threads because there's something about chocolate gifts that brings out the calm-down-it's-just-chocolate brigade. Usually sprinkled with "Gosh, how mean. We share food in our family!" posts.

But as I always say, the gift itself is a red herring. The issue is that he saw someone else's (unopened!) gift and decided to take whatever he fancied. He did something really rude, didn't apologise, then doubled down by buying a cheap replacement that basically says "I'd rather not spend my money on you".

It doesn't matter what he took, it's the principle of it.

Cinnamonspice1 · 09/10/2023 09:23

He only took a few chocolates, get over it!

I can’t believe some of the things I read on here…..no wonder so many elderly are left alone or in nursing homes.

Canisaysomething · 09/10/2023 09:24

BodenCardiganNot · 09/10/2023 09:18

@Canisaysomething
He is almost 16. Not a child who is still learning.

Of course 16 year olds are still learning. He’s a school child not an adult. 16 year olds do stupid things all the time and if the OP is hurt, then her DS has more learning to do.

BodenCardiganNot · 09/10/2023 09:24

@JustMaggie
Why should she? Why should her teenage son be allowed to think that his mother is not deserving of respect? It's not about the chocolates - it's about his attitude that he can take something from her, that he gave to her as a gift (although he was facilitated in that by his mother's partner) and that he can replace it with something cheap that required little thought and that she should be grateful that he managed that.

Canisaysomething · 09/10/2023 09:26

@BodenCardiganNot You only have to look at the range of posts on here to see we all value gifts differently. Everyone has different “love languages” and gift giving means lots to some people and nothing to others. That’s what the OP’s DS needs to learn.

readbooksdrinktea · 09/10/2023 09:27

No wonder there's so much entitlement in so many men. They're being taught early that women just have to deal and let things go.

LongBoi · 09/10/2023 09:30

It he'd contributed £5 of his own money to buy you some less posh chocs, would he still have nicked them?

It's the fact that your DH bought them 'for' him that he doesn't see them as anything in particular - it wasn't his money, he didn't choose them, they're just random cupboard snacks, same as the Pringles, maybe slightly less special than the Tony Chocoloney you hid in the old cream cracker tin.

Hence the replacement with normal chocolate. (Although if he's anything like the more 'frugal' junior members of this household, he may well have Googled and made an economic decision to feign ignorance of Hotel Chocolat.)

I think this is a hill to die on. It's fairly low stakes and can be dealt with with some humour, but it's an important lesson about respecting people's stuff. and buying presents yourself instead of outsourcing to Dad

spitefulandbadgrammar · 09/10/2023 09:32

Cinnamonspice1 · 09/10/2023 09:23

He only took a few chocolates, get over it!

I can’t believe some of the things I read on here…..no wonder so many elderly are left alone or in nursing homes.

There you go, OP, don’t even attempt to enjoy your own birthday gift otherwise you’ll die alone. FFS! This website! (I’ll never leave.)

Hibiscrubbed · 09/10/2023 09:32

PurpleRadish · 09/10/2023 01:33

Yabu

No, no she’s not. She’s trying to stop him being an entitled twat and hopefully stop him being the subject of a thread by a totally ground down woman in the future.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/10/2023 09:33

spitefulandbadgrammar · 09/10/2023 09:32

There you go, OP, don’t even attempt to enjoy your own birthday gift otherwise you’ll die alone. FFS! This website! (I’ll never leave.)

Show quote history

its unbelievable isn’t it?

How low some women’s bars are…

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 09:34

I think it's both YANBU and YABU. It wasnt very nice of him to open your chocolates without asking you and to not even apologise. But I wouldnt expect my child to spend his own money replacing it. A conversation for him to understand why this was upsetting I think is enough.

godmum56 · 09/10/2023 09:35

yanbu. If his parents aren't going to teach him good manners then who will? If he did it to a housemate, he'd be lucky to get away with apologising and replacing the chocs with the exact same chocs. Replacing with cheaper ones is jusy taking the pee.

ActDottie · 09/10/2023 09:35

Yanbu at his he should know better

Nonplusultra · 09/10/2023 09:35

I wouldn’t escalate this any further op. He’s stepped over a line, and what he needs to learn is how to repair the relationship.

From your pov, that’s by buying you a certain box of chocolates. But the fact that he left the other box on the table, didn’t approach you or talk to you, all suggests that he doesn’t have the skills to instigate a relationship repair.

Everyone makes mistakes and does dumb and hurtful things. It’s navigating those moments with humility and concern that makes the difference - and these days those skills are more important than anything they learn in school because relationship breakups lead to poor outcomes financially and with mental health.

It would have been nice for your dp to step in and give the lad a bit of guidance. Buying the right chocs is only part of it. But since he hasn’t you might want to think about whether those skills have ever been modelled?

I’m not saying that yabu to be annoyed but throwing his (admittedly lacklustre) apology back in his face isn’t getting either of you anywhere. If he went and bought the right chocolates now, you might be happy, but he probably wouldn’t. Likely he’s feeling a bit angry and humiliated so he’s digging his heels in, and the feelings you want to elicit are concern for you and oops I’ve fucked up, how do I put this right.

I think what’s needed here is a conversation.

Cinnamonspice1 · 09/10/2023 09:36

Anyone would think OP just landed out of space and has never seen or ate chocolates before 😂🤦‍♀️

godmum56 · 09/10/2023 09:36

amusedbush · 09/10/2023 09:22

I've seen a LOT of "YABU" responses on similar threads because there's something about chocolate gifts that brings out the calm-down-it's-just-chocolate brigade. Usually sprinkled with "Gosh, how mean. We share food in our family!" posts.

But as I always say, the gift itself is a red herring. The issue is that he saw someone else's (unopened!) gift and decided to take whatever he fancied. He did something really rude, didn't apologise, then doubled down by buying a cheap replacement that basically says "I'd rather not spend my money on you".

It doesn't matter what he took, it's the principle of it.

this exactly

Batalax · 09/10/2023 09:37

Cinnamonspice1 · 09/10/2023 09:23

He only took a few chocolates, get over it!

I can’t believe some of the things I read on here…..no wonder so many elderly are left alone or in nursing homes.

Absolutely the opposite.

Those of us believing he needs to be taught to be respectful and think of others, are raising kids to think of others and those kids are the ones who will be visiting those nursing homes in the future.

The kids whose parents let them get away with such disrespect are raising kids who think only of themselves and feel they are entitled to take what they want at the expense of others. Are they likely to be the ones visiting the elderly folk?

A big deal doesn’t need to be made of it but it is definitely a teaching moment and the op should maintain the boundary. But also the teens should be buying presents themselves, not having dp facilitate it at their age.

Scaredycats · 09/10/2023 09:37

Everyone saying ‘it’s just a few chocolates’ just replace it with a gift you’ve ever been bought and see how you feel.

Eg daughter opening/using new makeup/perfume bought for you as a gift
Someone taking your gift vouchers and spending them
Getting a new book as a gift and someone reading it before you do.

It’s the principle! At 16 I think he is old enough to learn it’s not ok.