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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son opened my birthday chocs

518 replies

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:32

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Readingineading · 09/10/2023 08:47

curaçao · 09/10/2023 03:55

If the gift was from him un the first place YABU

Bollocks. Op is showing her son how to treat a woman with respect and not be a shitty partner in the future.

TheHappinessEnigma · 09/10/2023 08:47

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 08:44

@TheHappinessEnigma

no it’s not “just a few chocolates”…

they are expensive chocolates bought as a gift for op
not his to open and eat

it’s about respect

I don’t agree with him doing it, I’d have clipped his ear (sort of).
But all the recommendations of not doing his washing, removing his door, etc, are exaggerated nonsense.

54isanopendoor · 09/10/2023 08:48

He didn't buy the gift so probably hasn't really clicked that they're special chocolates, hence the replacment with cheapo ones, as still 'chocolate for Mum'.
I'd go for a walk with him. Point out that gifts are only for the receiver. And that you'd still like to open a box of those particular chocolates. Leave it with him.
Don't have a big falling out but it is a teaching moment as otherwise he will go on to do this later with flatmates / at work & not get why folk are mad at him.

Oncebittentwiceasshy · 09/10/2023 08:49

YANBU - he needs to be responsible for his actions. Well done for insisting he does the right thing.

Ramalangadingdong · 09/10/2023 08:50

willWillSmithsmith · 09/10/2023 08:33

Oh gosh I’ve stolen my kids chocolate lots of times, I’m a very bad person 😳

I bet your kids are very young so you can do this without them realising. If they are older and receive expensive gift chocolates and you eat those then yes, you are disrespectful.

This is not really about the chocolates per se is it? The situation symbolises his disregard for her; that as a mum she is not entitled to special chocs and the cheap substitutes will suffice. It is up to her to serve the chocs up to the rest of the family, not him. She is right to call him on it.

butterpuffed · 09/10/2023 08:50

YANBU for being annoyed your son opened your chocolates but YABU for rejecting his replacement box . I know you said they're cheap chocs but he's a teenager and doesn't have the money your DP has .

Summonedbybees · 09/10/2023 08:51

How does a teenager taking a few chocolates turn into a LTB rant. Did anyone see the tv programme that showed how gentle pastoral intervention with difficult teens turned their behaviour around? So many mothers on MN confess to stealing and eating their kid's chocolate. If a teenager takes a few from his mother the rage is unbelievable.

Excited101 · 09/10/2023 08:53

It’s times like this which go unchecked that can lead to these disrespectful men who don’t bother acknowledging their partners birthdays. You are completely right not to let this go op. Moments like this are real learning opportunities.

BerriesNutsConkers · 09/10/2023 08:56

I would feel the same as you! YANBU

WeWereInParis · 09/10/2023 08:56

butterpuffed · 09/10/2023 08:50

YANBU for being annoyed your son opened your chocolates but YABU for rejecting his replacement box . I know you said they're cheap chocs but he's a teenager and doesn't have the money your DP has .

OP has said he has the money to replace them. Plus these were bought by his father as a present for OP, so he's already lucky he apparently doesn't have to spend money on presents at all.
My dad would have thought I was taking the absolute piss if I'd asked him to not only pay for, but also go out and physically buy, a present from me to my mum when I was 16.

willWillSmithsmith · 09/10/2023 08:58

Ramalangadingdong · 09/10/2023 08:50

I bet your kids are very young so you can do this without them realising. If they are older and receive expensive gift chocolates and you eat those then yes, you are disrespectful.

This is not really about the chocolates per se is it? The situation symbolises his disregard for her; that as a mum she is not entitled to special chocs and the cheap substitutes will suffice. It is up to her to serve the chocs up to the rest of the family, not him. She is right to call him on it.

Show quote history

They’re older. Yes I wouldn’t open an unopened box or bar but I can’t be trusted around opened chocolate. Tbh when I get a box I don’t really want to share I hide it but if it’s a box I don’t mind sharing I’ll open it and leave it out for everyone.

In this particular instance I would tell them off, tell them not to open an unopened present then I’d drop it. If it happened a second time then I’d tell them to replace it.

DriftingDora · 09/10/2023 09:00

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:32

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

Simple. No birthday or Christmas present for him and no laundry/food prepped for him until he replaces them. Does he make a habit of opening what doesn't belong to him? If so, he needs a lesson sooner rather than later, as it sounds like he's well old enough to know better.

startledbypostmodernity · 09/10/2023 09:03

Readingineading · 09/10/2023 08:47

Bollocks. Op is showing her son how to treat a woman with respect and not be a shitty partner in the future.

Show quote history

This. Not only is OP setting her own boundaries about how to be treated with respect, she is preventing someone coming on here in thirty years time to say "It's my birthday and my DP got me some crappy cheap chocolates AIBU" or "It's my birthday and my DP got me chocolates and then ate some before I even opened them, AIBU?".

LongBoi · 09/10/2023 09:03

YANBU. But great to see some outrage bingo combining 'they're gone so quickly!' with 'check your sugar addiction, you fat cow'.

Balloonhearts · 09/10/2023 09:05

I'd go and replace them myself and pay for them out of his pocket money.

JinglingSpringbells · 09/10/2023 09:07

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far.

Surely your partner should be the one reading the riot act here to your son?

You say your DP bought the chocs to give to your son, to hand over to you.

(Unless I've got that wrong.)

If your son is old enough, maybe he should be buying you your presents, not expecting his dad (or step dad) to do it.
Yes?

midnitghtgraveyard · 09/10/2023 09:07

Your a grown woman moaning over chocolate.
He got you new chocolate but you want more up market ones hes 16 ffs.
Some of us dont have our 16 year olds we have empty bedrooms and broken
harts.

Id give anything to have my (15yo) boy to come nick chocolates like he used to or share them with him like we used to.
I cant make any more memories but you can.
Be grateful and not entitled .

There just chocolates you can buy more let it go and laugh about it.
Some are not as lucky as you.

MrsMarzetti · 09/10/2023 09:08

Hold out, he needs to learn this lesson before some poor woman is stuck with him.

Winifredduck · 09/10/2023 09:08

I think this type of thing absolutely is not OK. It shows a total lack of respect for you as a person. It is the type of thing as a parent that really gets me down.
I would absolutely want him to replace the chocolates.

JinglingSpringbells · 09/10/2023 09:09

midnitghtgraveyard · 09/10/2023 09:07

Your a grown woman moaning over chocolate.
He got you new chocolate but you want more up market ones hes 16 ffs.
Some of us dont have our 16 year olds we have empty bedrooms and broken
harts.

Id give anything to have my (15yo) boy to come nick chocolates like he used to or share them with him like we used to.
I cant make any more memories but you can.
Be grateful and not entitled .

There just chocolates you can buy more let it go and laugh about it.
Some are not as lucky as you.

@midnitghtgraveyard The OP said her partner bought the chocs so her son could hand them over.

So not only did her son not make the effort to go shopping, using his own money, he ate the ones he was supposed to give to her!

Is this not a horrible thing to do?

spitefulandbadgrammar · 09/10/2023 09:11

LongBoi · 09/10/2023 09:03

YANBU. But great to see some outrage bingo combining 'they're gone so quickly!' with 'check your sugar addiction, you fat cow'.

It’s the Monday morning thread I needed, I’ve settled in with some posh chocs (aaargh).

Snugglemonkey · 09/10/2023 09:14

Flowerpowera7 · 09/10/2023 04:55

He bought you a replacement box even if cheap he made some effort. Chocolate is addiction. Leave it I think.

That is not a replacement! What shite!

ToadOnTheHill · 09/10/2023 09:15

Yanbu. As a parent it's your job to teach him how to be a civilised human being. Is he bein a civilised human being? Is letting it go going to make him one? No.

And DP is as bad for replacing them with crap chocolates!

This is a moment for sitting him down, with DH present if he is paying, and telling him hes taking the piss and not to speak to you or ask for anything until he replaces like for like. And that with Xmas coming up he had better think hard about treating people as youd like to be treated.

The only thing I would have done differently is I'd have kept the rest of the posh chocolate and asked for an entire replacement.

Thewizardbinbag · 09/10/2023 09:16

butterpuffed · 09/10/2023 08:50

YANBU for being annoyed your son opened your chocolates but YABU for rejecting his replacement box . I know you said they're cheap chocs but he's a teenager and doesn't have the money your DP has .

Then he shouldn’t have eaten his mum’s more expensive gift. She says he does have his own money. So he is going to have to spend it on his mum and not on himself, that’s the lesson.

Canisaysomething · 09/10/2023 09:18

He’s a child and he’s still learning and it’s yours and DH’s job to parent him still. Surprised DH hasn’t taken the lead and had a chat with him about why it is wrong and why you are hurt.