Page 16 | Son opened my birthday chocs

Newbieatthis · 2023-10-09T00:32:02+00:00

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

jannier · 09/10/2023 18:13

Why don't your children buy gifts for you? Even if dad gave them £5 to go buy something it would be more meaningful and teach them to think about others. If they haven't always done it they won't be the ones doing it as adults is that fair on future partners?
He's out of order YANBU

jannier · 09/10/2023 18:17

@Peachee

"YABU - I feel this is a bit over the top over a box of chocolates. Maybe he fancied one and wanted to share 🤷‍♀️ I might be wrong with regards to boundaries but I would want my children to know they could share anything with me and visa versa, other people, friends, strangers, teachers, whatever - no - but anything that belonged to me - yes. After all, we shared my body for 9 months."

Is it okay for them to help themselves to your money or to go sell your jewellery because they want to then? Or do you suddenly impose rules once they are 18?

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 09/10/2023 18:17

newYear10 · 09/10/2023 18:11

This. So embarrassing squabbling over food, even if they were 'posh'. Get over it.

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Absolutely this!

Nanaof1 · 09/10/2023 18:19

Nazzywish · 09/10/2023 10:31

Ooo this kicked off overnight ...
Admittedly my wording was dramatic but I still agree with what I said.
OP herself acknowledges he is a good kid, and they have a good relationship. He even tried to replace the box he ate - so some effort WAS made, its not like he didn't acknowledge it at all, he did try by buying another box albeit substandard to his mums liking. But she's been going on about the same box for ' several days', it's just so petty of her given that it is JUST a box of chocolate and no its not a telly or something else like a previous posters said is it? It is JUST a box of chocolates and she's overreacting.

Well, you know the saying, "Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."? Well, Forrest knew that you didn't eat something that wasn't yours to eat without it being offered to you.

I guess it's now "the thing" to excuse everything a child/teen does wrong for some reason or another. God forbid they are held accountable and learn a lesson.

jannier · 09/10/2023 18:24

BodegaSushi · 09/10/2023 14:24

'Posh chocs' 🤢

As an aside, can anyone from a country outside of the UK confirm if the poshness of chocolates is thing there? It baffles me how precious people get about chocolate and that it's considered a gift.

Where I'm from it's a type of generic gift you'd give to someone at Christmas if they're a colleague or they gave you a present that you didn't expect and give that in return. No one close to you would actually give it as a gift.

It would be like the equivalent of wrapping up a pack of crisps or loaf of bread

You should go to Bruges where a single chocolate is displayed like a diamond ring in a shop window lit at night with spotlights.

Nanaof1 · 09/10/2023 18:25

AuntieJoyce · 09/10/2023 10:52

If 50% of people disagree with you what makes you so certain that you’re right? And that they need your analogy to be converted to your way of thinking?

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Well, if 50% of the people cannot recognize decency and how to respect others, it's no wonder society is in the state it is. This new society can be called "Excuses Unlimited".

Cappucino23 · 09/10/2023 18:26

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:44

He's nearly 16 and is normally a really kind and decent boy, I thought we had a good relationship!

He’s opened your chocolates, not stole your car. Calm down ffs. Imagine being this bothered you start moaning about your own child. YABU

jannier · 09/10/2023 18:30

@AuntieJoyce
If your on a phone you don't seem to be able to vote so not sure if it is 50%

avocadotofu · 09/10/2023 18:30

Seriously OP that's a MASSIVE overreaction about chocolates!! YABU.

Original poster

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 18:39

Update
Thanks for all responses, amazed at number of them but good for me to think differently and consider other points of view. Didn't really want to ask DP ( yes he's father of son btw) to get involved as (optimistically) wanted son to remember on his own, but on reflection and after reading responses, thought again and DP had a word when son got back from school today. Result is got back from work just now, son opened door for me and gave me sweaty teenage hug, and apology... and handed me the replacement 📦 , this time the same ones. I'm happy with that. Thanks for all your thoughts, I think all the posts helped "the situation" to be resolved in as good a way as it could be. He is still a very decent boy, always was, but this was definitely a "teaching moment".

OP posts:

DriftingDora · 09/10/2023 18:40

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 17:05

He’s a child and he’s still learning

Well, he's on the 'not taking other people's things' stage right now; then I suppose it'll be not hitting other children if they annoy you but instead using your words; then toilet training; then crossing the road safely - at this rate, he'll be all nice and ready to start adult life as soon as he turns 37.

Don't think it'll be as early as 37. Probably about 89. Honestly, the people on here defending it because he's 'only 13' (16?), 'a teenager', or (as in the case of one poster who wins the Sick-Making Award 2023 hands down) spent 9 months in their tummy, is a total joke. For gawd's sake, unless there's something wrong with him he's well old enough to know better - he should even be able to go to the toilet on his own by now....(er, perhaps not)

RattlewhenIwalk · 09/10/2023 18:41

All these people going "it's only a box of chocs" are totally missing the point.

They were YOUR chocolates and your son should have appreciated that and asked before going anywhere near them

All the conversations that there are here on MN about boundaries....well, consideration for other people and their belongings is one of them.

ThisIsCharlotteYorkGoldenblatt · 09/10/2023 18:41

I think this a bit dramatic over a box of chocolates

Handyweatherstation · 09/10/2023 18:44

ThisIsCharlotteYorkGoldenblatt · 09/10/2023 18:41

I think this a bit dramatic over a box of chocolates

It's not about the chocolate, per se, it's about showing respect to others and their belongings.

Violinist64 · 09/10/2023 18:48

Good to read your update. I'm glad your partner supported you and recognised the problem for what it was - you feeling disappointed in your son and a lack of respect on his behalf. I'm also pleased that your son realised he was in the wrong on this occasion and has made up for it. He'll remember this and hopefully never do it again. It's a good lesson to learn.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 09/10/2023 18:53

@Nazzywish i completely agree with you 100%! So fucking petty over some chocolates, it’s not the end of the world really is it OP? He tried making the situation better.. kids aren’t going to know the difference between expensive chocolates and cheaper ones!

and to all the posters who keep saying parents like me and basically all of the other parents who wouldn’t kick there child to the kerb over some chocolates that we’re raising them to “treat there partners like shit” need to get a grip, your sons/daughters could turn out treating there’s like shit because of the unnecessary influence you are inflicting on food rules🤷‍♀️.. seriously not normal to get this high and mighty over chocolates.

he’s apologised & tried to make amends.. be the fucking grown up in the situation and see that your son is more important then some bloody chocolates!

ill have the mumsnetters come at me now because “how dare I disagree with them”😂! Wait for it……

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/10/2023 19:01

Glad it was sorted in the end, OP. I think it was important not to leave it as others suggested and make him see that he overstepped the boundary. I roll my eyes at those saying that you're being dramatic about chocolate. They've totally missed the point.

16 is well old enough to know what the right thing to do in this situation is. Of course, the right thing to do would have been for his dad to give him a nudge in the first place about the fact that he should buy a present for his mum's birthday and suggest the specific chocolates you like as a nice idea. His dad shouldn't have arranged and paid for them - DS has just seen this as "food that appears in the house that someone else has paid for, that I can eat". Your DP failed to teach him about the THOUGHT behind the idea of gift giving.

I have a 17 year old and 19 year old. The older one has gone from being aged about 6 or 7 and seeing me open chocolates with the assumption that he can have some even before me, and not just one either but nearly half the box, and all the best ones, to asking very politely but directly "Could I have one of those please?" after leaving me to eat a couple, to sitting there quietly looking over at me and hinting "they look nice.....".

Lo and behold at 19 we've now got to where it's his choice of chocolates (or gin!), he buys it with his money and presents it to me with no expectation of sharing and seems glad that I enjoy them. Younger one is not quite there yet but getting there. He knows that we each have an equal share of magnums in the pack, for example, and if he eats all of his then he's not allowed to eat mine unless I offer. Neither of mine would never have taken my birthday chocolates without asking at 16 though.

There's too many martyr mums on this thread, letting the kids (young adults!) have whatever they like, and putting themselves last all the time. Mums are worth something too and it's an important thing to teach kids.

Thexwife · 09/10/2023 19:05

That made me laugh. When I was divorcing my ex, our son got suspended at school a couple of times. He went out and came back late, so I refused to cook him a dinner. His clothes weren’t in wash basket so didn’t get washed. I didn’t give him money that week. Letter from husbands solicitor to mine- you haven’t fed him, washed his clothes and provided for him this week. The kitchen as I told the 15 year old at the time - plenty of bread, cheese, eggs, pasta, soup, cereal. He’s old enough to get suspended and disappear until late- he’s capable of making his own food, plenty there he can have. I told my counsellor and she said- I’d have done the same, you’ve done nothing wrong.

phoenixrosehere · 09/10/2023 19:09

CrazyHedgehogLover · 09/10/2023 18:53

@Nazzywish i completely agree with you 100%! So fucking petty over some chocolates, it’s not the end of the world really is it OP? He tried making the situation better.. kids aren’t going to know the difference between expensive chocolates and cheaper ones!

and to all the posters who keep saying parents like me and basically all of the other parents who wouldn’t kick there child to the kerb over some chocolates that we’re raising them to “treat there partners like shit” need to get a grip, your sons/daughters could turn out treating there’s like shit because of the unnecessary influence you are inflicting on food rules🤷‍♀️.. seriously not normal to get this high and mighty over chocolates.

he’s apologised & tried to make amends.. be the fucking grown up in the situation and see that your son is more important then some bloody chocolates!

ill have the mumsnetters come at me now because “how dare I disagree with them”😂! Wait for it……

Now who’s being dramatic. Very few posters said to kick him to the kerb. Many are pointing out that he is too old not to know better when it comes to opening someone’s gift without asking and his actions up until the recent update were poor. He didn’t apologise at first. He just left some chocolates on the table and OP was told by her DH that they were hers from him. He didn’t apologise until after OP gave him the cheap chocolates he bought back and his father had a word with him.

Glad to hear that he’s apologised and replaced them properly.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/10/2023 19:12

CrazyHedgehogLover · 09/10/2023 18:53

@Nazzywish i completely agree with you 100%! So fucking petty over some chocolates, it’s not the end of the world really is it OP? He tried making the situation better.. kids aren’t going to know the difference between expensive chocolates and cheaper ones!

and to all the posters who keep saying parents like me and basically all of the other parents who wouldn’t kick there child to the kerb over some chocolates that we’re raising them to “treat there partners like shit” need to get a grip, your sons/daughters could turn out treating there’s like shit because of the unnecessary influence you are inflicting on food rules🤷‍♀️.. seriously not normal to get this high and mighty over chocolates.

he’s apologised & tried to make amends.. be the fucking grown up in the situation and see that your son is more important then some bloody chocolates!

ill have the mumsnetters come at me now because “how dare I disagree with them”😂! Wait for it……

You're wrong, you know. It doesn't matter that it's chocolates. It could be anything. I've worked in secondary schools where the boys have no concept whatsoever of the idea of personal belongings. They just take what they need from someone else without properly asking and then forget to give it back or don't bother, leaving that person without that item. It could be something as trivial as a pen or pencil or ruler but it then means that that pupil who had come equipped now hasn't got those things when THEY need them next lesson.

We're not talking always about the rough nasty bully type of boys who intimidate the weaker ones and deliberately steal from them. They're just thoughtless boys who have no boundaries, no sense of personal responsibility, no care for the fact that they're basically stealing from someone because they're leaving someone without. They view it as "just a pen" so it doesn't matter. But it DOES matter, because there are consequences for the other person. And THAT'S what you've failed to reailse. For OP, the consequences are that she is upset because her birthday treat (that let's face it only happens once a year) has been spoiled. The one thing that was just for her out of all the other things that she probably shares throughout the year, and even that was taken too. Not nice.

DelightfullyDotty · 09/10/2023 19:19

The thing is, even if someone is ‘raised to be someone who eats their DW’s chocolates’, this isn’t something that needs to be learned at a young age or else can never ever be learned. He isn’t a Labrador who needs to be socialised by 6 months or he will always have issues. His DW can just say “Please do not eat my chocolates or the children’s treats or I will divorce you”. Then he gets to decide.

Just tell him that it isn’t appropriate to take someone else’s present and he must never do this in the future because others won’t be as forgiving. And then forgive, move on and just buy yourself a new box of chocolates.

Galatine · 09/10/2023 19:31

Life is just too short for this nonsense. Get a grip Op and the other posters winding her up!

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 19:34

I presume that all the people on here saying "how petty to squabble over chocolates" and the like would be fully on board at Christmas, if there are clearly labelled presents under the tree for each family member - and then if they come down in the morning and find that somebody else has opened and started enjoying their present, because they just fancied it.

Or does it depend purely on the value or category of the item that somebody uses to demonstrate their complete lack of boundaries and respect for you as to whether or not it actually counts?

Glad it was resolved, though, OP. It sounds like - finally - a not-quite-16yo boy understands right and wrong and how we treat other people much better than a lot of the grown adults on here.

willWillSmithsmith · 09/10/2023 19:38

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 17:22

Another one saying take something of his and replace it with something inferior, that’s petty and just as bad.

That wasn't referring to me and what I said about the trainers, was it? As I made clear, I had meant that he would have known the difference very well had somebody stolen his Nikes and then grudgingly 'replaced' them with Asda ones - I never suggested or implied that OP should take his trainers from him to teach him a lesson.

No it wasn’t 🙂

FOJN · 09/10/2023 19:41

Well, the responses on this thread has shown me exactly why there are so many entitled men in the world and so many women who think they are entitled to so little.

Absolutely. "It's only chocolate, let it go." It's not about the chocolate, it's about the entitlement and lack of respect. 16 is more than old enough to understand you do not help yourself to other people's stuff.

Well done OP for standing your ground.