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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son opened my birthday chocs

518 replies

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:32

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 09/10/2023 16:34

YANBU I'm precious about my chocolate gifts though. I think chocolates belong to the recipient and shouldn't just be eaten by everyone , it's rude! Hope he replaces them for you

Morphle · 09/10/2023 16:35

I’ve just hidden my birthday chocs in my bedroom cupboard - I’m going away for work tomorrow and MIL is babysitting one night as DH out, and she once opened my unopened and cellophane wrapped posh birthday chocolates and guzzled most of them so I will never leave them in snorting sight again!!!

(but YANBU)

mum11970 · 09/10/2023 16:35

An exact replacement isn’t something I’d be bothered about but then again I wouldn’t be bothered about them being replaced at all.
I have had chocolate gifts opened by others in the house but everyone knows I wouldn’t mind so is probably different.

BeeHappy12 · 09/10/2023 16:51

YANBU but i also don't think it reflects poorly on your son's character, it just sounds like a teenage learning pt.

MammaEvz3 · 09/10/2023 16:58

I don't think your being unreasonable, I would be annoyed too.

I bought my dad some cans of cider for his birthday earlier in the year and later in the day discovered my brother had drank half of them before my dad even got to have one. I was very upset with him (even though my dad wasn't bothered) and wanted him to replace the gift. Yet as usual with my family, I was made to feel like I was the one in the wrong.

saraclara · 09/10/2023 16:59

There are thousands of complaining and unhappy posts on mumsnet about entitlement (especially in males).
And yet, on this thread we have a large proportion of women who think the son's behaviour is no issue at all and his mother is being petty.

I feel like hitting my head on my desk.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 17:05

He’s a child and he’s still learning

Well, he's on the 'not taking other people's things' stage right now; then I suppose it'll be not hitting other children if they annoy you but instead using your words; then toilet training; then crossing the road safely - at this rate, he'll be all nice and ready to start adult life as soon as he turns 37.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 17:06

I’ve just hidden my birthday chocs in my bedroom cupboard - I’m going away for work tomorrow and MIL is babysitting one night as DH out, and she once opened my unopened and cellophane wrapped posh birthday chocolates and guzzled most of them so I will never leave them in snorting sight again!!!

Aw, don't be such a big mean, meanie meaniepants - she’s a child and she’s still learning...

phoenixrosehere · 09/10/2023 17:07

AuntMarch · 09/10/2023 16:05

Yanbu, although i think "I thought we had a good relationship" is harsh. He's just been a bit thoughtless and selfish.. he is a teenager! I don't think he was being deliberately hurtful, just didn't think. But unlike some pp I do think it's a good teachable moment. I bet he had NO idea how expensive good chocolate is for a start! So yes, he should replace exactly so he thinks twice before helping himself in future. **

He's just been a bit thoughtless and selfish.. he is a teenager!

I get so annoyed of this being used as an excuse. Many of us were once teenagers and didn’t think to help ourselves to someone’s gifts without asking permission. It’s a simple act of manners and respect.

Agree though that it’s a teachable moment.

willWillSmithsmith · 09/10/2023 17:12

saraclara · 09/10/2023 16:59

There are thousands of complaining and unhappy posts on mumsnet about entitlement (especially in males).
And yet, on this thread we have a large proportion of women who think the son's behaviour is no issue at all and his mother is being petty.

I feel like hitting my head on my desk.

Some of the stuff is plain stupid though. One poster suggesting she instruct her son to not speak to her until he replaces the chocolates. That’s just nasty. Another one saying take something of his and replace it with something inferior, that’s petty and just as bad. Yes it’s a teachable moment but no need for some of the spite being suggested.

Wishbone436 · 09/10/2023 17:17

YANBU! I know people are saying pick your battles, but for me this is one of those! It’s not a HUUUGE deal in the grand scheme of life, but it is a blatant disrespect! I would definitely be holding out for an exact replacement!

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 17:22

Another one saying take something of his and replace it with something inferior, that’s petty and just as bad.

That wasn't referring to me and what I said about the trainers, was it? As I made clear, I had meant that he would have known the difference very well had somebody stolen his Nikes and then grudgingly 'replaced' them with Asda ones - I never suggested or implied that OP should take his trainers from him to teach him a lesson.

viques · 09/10/2023 17:29

I would be swooping down on anything he is eating / drinking and helping myself with gusto and very loud yum yum yum sounds. Forks optional.

Either that or I would be plotting my Christmas stocking revenge. Half emptied bottles of shower gel, a single sock, opened sweeties ………….

Purplefriends · 09/10/2023 17:36

vapesareforsnakes · 09/10/2023 14:25

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. It would be the same if a teenage girl did it.

Show quote history

It wasn't a teenage girl though, was it? It was teenage boy.

This boy can either be taught that his behaviour was unacceptable, or he can have his behaviour tolerated and then repeat it in his own relationships with women.

ACynicalDad · 09/10/2023 17:38

I would tell him he did wrong, but not expect a replacement, pick the battles.

jannier · 09/10/2023 17:49

Nazzywish · 09/10/2023 02:30

Is this a one off re taking something of yours ? He's a Kid let it go OP, one day when you need feeding by his hands as an old frail woman he may just remember what a miser you were. Why is there such a big complex with food and kids eating it on mumsnet. If you've taught them respect, and he is generally well behaved then the odd sneaky treat from mums chocolates- isn't a big thing. Also don't you just share all the food in the house treats or not? Maybe reframe how you look at food and don't see it as this person's and that - have everyone share everything that comes into the house, makes for a less selfish approach from parents towards your own flesh and blood, and your own kids not feeling like they're a burden on their parents for eating a bloody chocolate.

A gift is a gift no matter if clothes, perfume, jewelry, chocolate or a fish. You do not take a gift even if the family shares gifts you wait until you are offered. That's basic manners or as Ofsted like to say teaching British Values.

jannier · 09/10/2023 17:59

NalafromtheLionKing · 09/10/2023 07:19

This is your son. It is a box of chocolates, which is unlikely to be expensive or even difficult to replace. Get a grip!

She's already said it was expensive......but more importantly it was a gift to her opening someone else's gift at 15 is not acceptable it's very wrong.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 09/10/2023 18:01

YAB completely U. Why are you going to war with your DS over chocolates?

jannier · 09/10/2023 18:01

GCAcademic · 09/10/2023 08:03

Easy to spot on here the posters who are raising sons who will grow up to be shit partners that future MNers will be posting their disappointment about.

Yep..... Going to be the future my husband doesn't buy a card, he doesn't think he should give up his hobby to be at the kids party posts

Nanaof1 · 09/10/2023 18:06

saraclara · 09/10/2023 16:59

There are thousands of complaining and unhappy posts on mumsnet about entitlement (especially in males).
And yet, on this thread we have a large proportion of women who think the son's behaviour is no issue at all and his mother is being petty.

I feel like hitting my head on my desk.

It's like they don't realize that thoughtless, constantly excused, entitled teen boys grow into thoughtless, excusing themselves and deflecting blame, entitled grown men.
Is there room on your desk for my head to bang on it?

ElizaMulvil · 09/10/2023 18:08

YANBU
You need to speak to your son on his own.

'I need to speak to you. This is important.' Get him to sit down with you.

Do not smile at him. Do not shout. Do not get emotional.
Speak to him very slowly in a low but v serious voice. Explain how disappointed you are with him disrespecting you by opening and eating the present in the first place and even more so by replacing them with cheap ones.

'Do you understand why? ' If he says yes then ask what he is going to do to put it right - if no ( eg cheekily) then repeat using an example he would relate to and speaking in an even more serious and low tone. Repeat question.

Ask him what he would now think would be the best thing for him to do to put things right. If he comes up with an appropriate response ( ie replacing with the same ) say how pleased you are with him that he is behaving in a grown up, correct way now.

If he says I don't know - say I'll give you some time to think about it...rinse and repeat until he comes up with the appropriate response ie say nothing, he needs to find the answer himself. ( As above, use an example he would understand about someone doing similar to him. ) No jumping in with the answer just let him stew. Your will needs to be stronger than his.

If necessary leave him and tell him to come and speak to you when he knows the answer.( Until then ignore him and his requests for you to do things for him.)

godmum56 · 09/10/2023 18:09

Nanaof1 · 09/10/2023 18:06

It's like they don't realize that thoughtless, constantly excused, entitled teen boys grow into thoughtless, excusing themselves and deflecting blame, entitled grown men.
Is there room on your desk for my head to bang on it?

Show quote history

how about we all bang someone else's head....might get the message through then

jannier · 09/10/2023 18:09

Summonedbybees · 09/10/2023 08:19

My children know we would give them anything we could. I fantasise about winning the lottery to help them payoff their mortgages. Both are lovely, respectful and married ten plus years. I hope my grandchildren grow up knowing that whatever goes wrong in their lives, we are always there for them.
A lot can go wrong in life, illness strikes unpredictably. Many Children have SEND problems or mental health issues and struggle to cope. A box of chocolates seems so minor. I tried hard when they were teenagers to forgive and forget. They grew into lovely adults and I am so proud of being their Mum.
I am a teacher, lovely kind parents have lovely kind children.Parents who hold grudges and are quick to punish often have children who tell them nothing and can't wait to get away.

As a teacher if a student were to take another's present what would you do? Say well at least you don't have Sen to the child who no longer has a gift? This boy is 15 not 5.

Nanaof1 · 09/10/2023 18:09

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 17:05

He’s a child and he’s still learning

Well, he's on the 'not taking other people's things' stage right now; then I suppose it'll be not hitting other children if they annoy you but instead using your words; then toilet training; then crossing the road safely - at this rate, he'll be all nice and ready to start adult life as soon as he turns 37.

Oh my, I'm dying here! 😂😲👻😂

newYear10 · 09/10/2023 18:11

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 09/10/2023 18:01

YAB completely U. Why are you going to war with your DS over chocolates?

This. So embarrassing squabbling over food, even if they were 'posh'. Get over it.