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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son opened my birthday chocs

518 replies

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:32

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

OP posts:
rantinglunatic · 09/10/2023 12:08

Sugar is really bad for you anyay, so he's done you a favour. Send him a thank you card!

Holliegee · 09/10/2023 12:10

I’m a mum of 3 sons all grown up and in the grand scheme of things it’s not such a deal.
let it go x

GreekGod · 09/10/2023 12:15

It's only chocolates. Teens are funny at that age. He shouldn't have eaten them but I wouldn't have responded in the way the original poster did. Normally when I get chocolates, I share them with DC anyway

Iwasafool · 09/10/2023 12:15

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 11:09

Chocoholics can't help themselves.

Forgive him.

He's your son and it's no big deal.

It's not about the chocolates. It's a simple matter of boundaries and respect for other people.

Why is OP being so unreasonable to care about those chocolates - her present; whereas her DS is somehow very reasonable to care enough about those same chocolates - somebody else's present - that he feels he should have them to himself?

He didn't even have to buy the nice present himself, but he certainly had enough money to buy some cheap substitutes. If he had learned the basic lesson that you'd expect most people to have learned by his age, he could at least have gone and bought the cheap chocolates and enjoyed them all to himself, whilst leaving OP's belongings alone.

And it doesn't make somebody into an addict to be given one standard-sized present for their birthday and to want to enjoy it themselves - or at least to get to open it themselves and then (most probably) offer to share it. Do you think that somebody who eats a tin of soup is a 'soupaholic' or somebody who drinks a cup of coffee is a 'caffeine addict'?

I suppose we are all different but for me I'd be disappointed that my partner had to go and buy a present for an almost 16 year old to give me as a present. It wasn't really a present from the son at all, no inconvenience, no money spent, it was meaningless. Daddy buying present for a 2 year old to give mummy is great, daddy taking 5 year old out to choose a present is nice. Daddy actually buying, and presumably choosing gift for 15 year old to give his mum is really poor.

Eating the chocolates wouldn't matter much to me as the "present" didn't mean much in the first place.

DriftingDora · 09/10/2023 12:18

midnitghtgraveyard · 09/10/2023 09:07

Your a grown woman moaning over chocolate.
He got you new chocolate but you want more up market ones hes 16 ffs.
Some of us dont have our 16 year olds we have empty bedrooms and broken
harts.

Id give anything to have my (15yo) boy to come nick chocolates like he used to or share them with him like we used to.
I cant make any more memories but you can.
Be grateful and not entitled .

There just chocolates you can buy more let it go and laugh about it.
Some are not as lucky as you.

Oh, for goodness sake. Just happily let him grow into a selfish twit then? And that makes it all OK, does it?

Iwasafool · 09/10/2023 12:19

spitefulandbadgrammar · 09/10/2023 11:15

But why is it no big deal? If it were birthday champagne and he drank it, because alcoholics can’t help themselves? Birthday cash and he spent it, because spendthrifts can’t help themselves?

Is it because it’s chocolate, and chocolate has become synonymous with frilly, meaningless women’s things – chocolate shoes bubble baths lol?

Her gifts from her kids (leaving aside her DP had to organise them!) were flowers and chocolates; so he took half her gift. Would it have been OK if the other child took the flowers for their room? No big deal, right?

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I'm not sure what the connection is with chocolate being frilly meaningless women's things when it was a male, the son, who decided to eat half of them.

Iwasafool · 09/10/2023 12:20

DriftingDora · 09/10/2023 12:18

Oh, for goodness sake. Just happily let him grow into a selfish twit then? And that makes it all OK, does it?

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Well it seems OK to let him grow into the sort of man who let's other people sort out presents for his nearest and dearest. Maybe tackle that as OP doesn't seem to see that was the first problem.

Sayitaintso33 · 09/10/2023 12:22

You are behaving like a spoilt 8 year old. A veritable woman-child.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 09/10/2023 12:23

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 09/10/2023 06:52

Bloody hell, I would have opened them
and shared most out to the kids anyway so a non issue for me.

Such an ironic username for this post. No, it's not about what you would do Grin

DriftingDora · 09/10/2023 12:24

Wolfen · 09/10/2023 10:34

He's normally a good kid, he tried to replace them, he didn't know the value and just thought any box would do.
I'd leave it there now. Model the behaviour you'd like to see in him. Making a huge deal and escalating this so it almost becomes vengeful and bitter is not the way to go.

Could you explain where is the OP being 'vengeful and bitter' exactly? No wonder there are so many entitled kids out there....he's not five, he's old enough to know better and if he doesn't realise this then there's something amiss.

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 12:41

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 09/10/2023 11:56

I understood the analogy but still couldn't get the point the poster was making, whether they were agreeing or disagreeing with the OP.

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why should i agree or disagree with the OP when i post a slightly different scenario to see if people can understand it better?

FWIW i have made several posts on the thread agreeing that the OP is not BU and that the son should replace like for like.

I have also said it isn't massive, but it is important. Don't be lazy, read the thread

phoenixrosehere · 09/10/2023 12:43

Banana1979 · 09/10/2023 11:13

@phoenixrosehere how would you know if he’s going into shared accommodation what a strange statement
he may not have the money to buy them back despite her saying he has money - he may have spent it . She must be the one giving him money as he’s a child

imagine causing this much grief in the household over a box of chocolates 🙄
The OP has literally written 2 post and had not been on here since- possibly shocked all the stupid comments she has received
there are people in her ridiculously telling her to kick him out, refuse to cook or clean for him, to buy him a gift, and then eat it in his face. What kind of fools are posting in here? I hope I don’t have kids as that is no way to teach somebody humidity or respect.
No wonder there are so many nutters about with parents who encourage punishment like this
Yes he should not have eaten her chocolates. However OP has provided zero context. Do Birthday chocolates usually get eaten by the whole household as in many other households and he didn’t know? Was the way she approached him shitty instead of explaining to him, and he got upset? Did he eat them in retaliation for her eating something of his? Nothing so who are we to judge based on that one post
she literally ran to mumsnet over a box of poxy chocolates. I doubt his future life choices are going to be based on this one event for gods sake get a grip 😂

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I said “if” and also IF he goes to other people’s homes and think it’s perfectly acceptable to take their gifts because it’s just chocolate and he wanted some, he will likely be not invited back.

You’re making excuses for an older child who should know better. Context is not needed to know it’s not ok to open someone’s gift, heck, open something period that is not yours without asking. It takes seconds to ask.

cleveshouse · 09/10/2023 13:14

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:44

He's nearly 16 and is normally a really kind and decent boy, I thought we had a good relationship!

If that's the case maybe he's just embarrassed. Express your feelings but maybe leave out the anger?

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 13:17

Sugar is really bad for you anyay, so he's done you a favour. Send him a thank you card!

Make sure you do the same for anybody who mugs you in the street or rides by on a moped and snatches your handbag. Look at people like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk; you certainly wouldn't want to be 'cursed' to end up like them...

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 13:20

You are behaving like a spoilt 8 year old. A veritable woman-child.

You must have an extremely low opinion of yourself, if you really think that wanting to enjoy your own birthday presents without having them snatched back again by somebody approaching adulthood is 'spoilt'.

Lindy2 · 09/10/2023 13:30

How many did he eat? If some equals 1 or 2 then that's quite a bit different from 10 - 20.

Yes, he shouldn't have opened your birthday chocolates. However, if it was only 1 or 2 I think I'd just point out that they weren't his to open and he should have waited to be offered some. If he's eaten lots then it's a bit different.

Does a 16 year old know the difference between posh and non posh chocolates? My 15 year old would regard a box of Maltesers as an upgrade to even Harrods handcrafted chocolates. He might think he's got you a lovely replacement.

I'm not sure I'd make a big thing of this.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 13:44

How many did he eat? If some equals 1 or 2 then that's quite a bit different from 10 - 20.

Yes, he shouldn't have opened your birthday chocolates. However, if it was only 1 or 2 I think I'd just point out that they weren't his to open and he should have waited to be offered some. If he's eaten lots then it's a bit different.

I don't think it really makes any difference at all, tbh - it's all about respecting other people's boundaries and considering them as important.

He isn't a 4yo who just can't wait or resist temptation; he's going to be an adult in two and a bit years. And if he's still relying on his dad to buy presents on his behalf for his mum at 15/16, how likely is it that he'll be expecting to smoothly transfer all the present-buying responsibilities straight on to his wife in the future?

Purplefriends · 09/10/2023 14:02

Well, the responses on this thread has shown me exactly why there are so many entitled men in the world and so many women who think they are entitled to so little.

That a fifteen year old boy can help himself to his mum's present and is defended by so many women who attack the mother for thinking this is off. That so many think he should not face the reasonable consequence of replacing what he took without asking.

Right there is why there are so many entitled men and so many women who think they are entitled to so little. Because those attitudes are forged in these 'small' day to day events.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 14:23

“Well, the responses on this thread has shown me exactly why there are so many entitled men in the world and so many women who think they are entitled to so little.”

THIS

THIS

THIS

don’t see how anyone could argue with this

BodegaSushi · 09/10/2023 14:24

'Posh chocs' 🤢

As an aside, can anyone from a country outside of the UK confirm if the poshness of chocolates is thing there? It baffles me how precious people get about chocolate and that it's considered a gift.

Where I'm from it's a type of generic gift you'd give to someone at Christmas if they're a colleague or they gave you a present that you didn't expect and give that in return. No one close to you would actually give it as a gift.

It would be like the equivalent of wrapping up a pack of crisps or loaf of bread Confused

Balloonhearts · 09/10/2023 14:25

He's not a bloody child! He's 16! He could legally become a parent himself! What utter tripe.

vapesareforsnakes · 09/10/2023 14:25

Purplefriends · 09/10/2023 14:02

Well, the responses on this thread has shown me exactly why there are so many entitled men in the world and so many women who think they are entitled to so little.

That a fifteen year old boy can help himself to his mum's present and is defended by so many women who attack the mother for thinking this is off. That so many think he should not face the reasonable consequence of replacing what he took without asking.

Right there is why there are so many entitled men and so many women who think they are entitled to so little. Because those attitudes are forged in these 'small' day to day events.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. It would be the same if a teenage girl did it.

MixedRaceMuslim · 09/10/2023 14:26

I would buy yourself some new chocolates and save the ones he helped himself to then give them to him on his birthday and see how he responds.

Kids make mistakes and you gave him the chance to make it right and he didn't. I feel respecting other people's boundaries is really important and we all make mistakes but he failed to actually apologise and correct his mistake.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/10/2023 14:27

Cinnamonspice1 · 09/10/2023 09:36

Anyone would think OP just landed out of space and has never seen or ate chocolates before 😂🤦‍♀️

It must be lovely to live in a simple little world such as yours. 😂

Hibiscrubbed · 09/10/2023 14:28

Peachee · 09/10/2023 09:41

YABU - I feel this is a bit over the top over a box of chocolates. Maybe he fancied one and wanted to share 🤷‍♀️ I might be wrong with regards to boundaries but I would want my children to know they could share anything with me and visa versa, other people, friends, strangers, teachers, whatever - no - but anything that belonged to me - yes. After all, we shared my body for 9 months.

Are you serious? 😂🤮