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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son opened my birthday chocs

518 replies

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:32

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Llloydwells · 09/10/2023 10:24

If I'd received the box of chocolates I'd have shared them and told my son to help himself.

I think YABU for calling them posh chocs

Kattitude · 09/10/2023 10:27

Definitely not unreasonable, I’d be furious.

vapesareforsnakes · 09/10/2023 10:28

You’ve little enough to be worrying about if he is normally a good kid. Some of the comments are ridiculous. Pick your battles ffs.

WeWereInParis · 09/10/2023 10:29

I think giving a gift has several components (unless the gift giver is a young child, which OP's son isn't).

Firstly putting time and thought into choosing and getting the gift
Paying for the gift
Physically giving the gift
Allowing the person to enjoy the gift however they choose (which may of course involve sharing it, but they should get to choose that).

He's only managed to physically give the gift (although I wouldn't be surprised if actually OP's husband put the presents out as well). He didn't choose it, didn't go out and get it, didn't pay for it, and didn't let OP decide what to do with it. It's just rude.

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 10:30

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 09:34

I think it's both YANBU and YABU. It wasnt very nice of him to open your chocolates without asking you and to not even apologise. But I wouldnt expect my child to spend his own money replacing it. A conversation for him to understand why this was upsetting I think is enough.

he didn't even spend his own money buying it in the first place, and that is the "problem" here. He sees no value in something he didn't fork over his hard-earned cash for.

It isn't a massive issue as such, but it is a really good teachable moment about respect and not opening other people's gifts. No matter how inconsequential you think it is.

An appropriate lesson here is a discussion about respect, gifts, boundaries and maybe buying the OP a smaller, but expensive box of chocolates at an apology and confirmation that lessons have been learned.

And her DP can stop buying the presents, at 16 you are old enough to pick something for your own mum.

3luckystars · 09/10/2023 10:31

Sorry this is totally off topic, but this thread has made me realise how addicted to chocolate I am.

No other item would make me as upset if someone stole it.

It’s not right.

Thank you for this thread.

Nazzywish · 09/10/2023 10:31

Ooo this kicked off overnight ...
Admittedly my wording was dramatic but I still agree with what I said.
OP herself acknowledges he is a good kid, and they have a good relationship. He even tried to replace the box he ate - so some effort WAS made, its not like he didn't acknowledge it at all, he did try by buying another box albeit substandard to his mums liking. But she's been going on about the same box for ' several days', it's just so petty of her given that it is JUST a box of chocolate and no its not a telly or something else like a previous posters said is it? It is JUST a box of chocolates and she's overreacting.

Nazzywish · 09/10/2023 10:32

Wonder what brand chocolates they were to be so 'posh' OP. Care to share ?

Wolfen · 09/10/2023 10:34

He's normally a good kid, he tried to replace them, he didn't know the value and just thought any box would do.
I'd leave it there now. Model the behaviour you'd like to see in him. Making a huge deal and escalating this so it almost becomes vengeful and bitter is not the way to go.

BeetleDeuce · 09/10/2023 10:36

Wolfen · 09/10/2023 10:34

He's normally a good kid, he tried to replace them, he didn't know the value and just thought any box would do.
I'd leave it there now. Model the behaviour you'd like to see in him. Making a huge deal and escalating this so it almost becomes vengeful and bitter is not the way to go.

I agree with this. Does he understand the issue? That’s okay then. If he’s usually a good kid then maybe he doesn’t understand the etiquette of how birthday chocolates work!! Hopefully he does now. No need to drag out humiliating him.

JustWimpy · 09/10/2023 10:36

I'm not sure I'd call a teenager who didn't give his mother a birthday present a 'good kid'. Then he opens the chocolates and eats them? Fine, if they were already open but there's something so dismissive of his mother to take her gift as his own.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 10:37

@Nazzywish

you must know some chocolate is expensive right?
or are you so minted you can just go off to hotel chocolat or wherever and buy more if someone else scoffs a gift meant for you

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 10:37

i wonder if:

my Daughter used my chanel lipstick that i got for my birthday and when i went to use it the top was all smeary and used. I told her that wasn't on, and 2 days later a NYX lippy in the wrong colour was left on the kitchen counter.

would have gone down better?

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 10:40

@Brefugee

is that a true story?! That’s outrageous!

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 09/10/2023 10:42

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:44

He's nearly 16 and is normally a really kind and decent boy, I thought we had a good relationship!

Well if he still gets pocket money, you know what to do.

Nazzywish · 09/10/2023 10:43

Yes of course I appreciate that, but I'm more wondering if OP maybe got something like ferreo rochers and instead her son got her something most of us would still find equally fine but just not in her eyes I.e. a box of quality street or something. Because then to me that's just a kid genuinely still trying to make things right and he's not being as malicious as OP is taking it.

3luckystars · 09/10/2023 10:43

I don’t think lipstick is in the same category as chocolate, that’s what I’m just realising. Nothing is in the same category as chocolate.
Good thread though!

Gymnopedie · 09/10/2023 10:44

OP drop the chocolates and bide your time. Next time he wants (inevitably branded, expensive) trainers buy him the cheapest pair you can find on the market. There's no difference, right?

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 09/10/2023 10:45

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 10:37

i wonder if:

my Daughter used my chanel lipstick that i got for my birthday and when i went to use it the top was all smeary and used. I told her that wasn't on, and 2 days later a NYX lippy in the wrong colour was left on the kitchen counter.

would have gone down better?

Eh ?

20cheeseomelette · 09/10/2023 10:49

Obviously he needs to apologise properly, to get the correct replacement and present it to you with good manners.

This is the bare minimum of decent behaviour surely. He’s old enough to know that.

BloodyHellKen · 09/10/2023 10:51

I wouldn't sweat about this OP. It's annoying as you hadn't even opened them and I'd make a point of stating your disappointment in him over actually opening the box but that's all I'd do - unless he'd eaten them all!!

Mind you, we have quite a relaxed attitude to chocolate 'ownership' in this house and I am guilty as charged in nibbling on the children's eater eggs etc (for their own good obviously 😂)

AuntieJoyce · 09/10/2023 10:52

5YearsLeft · 09/10/2023 09:57

Sigh.

This thread will just go on forever because it’s filled with 50% people who don’t seem to understand it’s not about the chocolates. (“It’s not about the chocolates” could be the new bloody “cancel the chèque” pretty soon).

It’s about a birthday gift being used by someone else.

Let’s say instead of chocolates, they’re… fireworks. Yes, it happens OP is a huge fireworks aficionado. She was given some very choice fireworks for her birthday and she’s been looking forward to setting them off and taking photos over the weekend. She opens the closet and discovers… the package is open and half her expensive fireworks are gone. Her son has set them off, she never got to see it, he’s not sorry, he seems not to care, and when she asks for them to be replaced since they were her only birthday present, he gives her a 99p cigarette lighter from Lidl.

I hope this analogy has helped everyone saying, “Oh, but I love my children and always share my chocolates,” and cannot understand the concept or existence of a birthday gift.

I know this whole thread is crackers (or chocolates) and I shouldn’t care at all, but if there’s one thing that annoys me more on MN than maybe anything else, it’s this idea that mums can’t have anything that is theirs and theirs alone, not even apparently a birthday present. When the fuck did motherhood become synonymous with joining some wacky commune?

If 50% of people disagree with you what makes you so certain that you’re right? And that they need your analogy to be converted to your way of thinking?

godmum56 · 09/10/2023 10:54

spitefulandbadgrammar · 09/10/2023 10:02

Also change the Wi-Fi name to “They Were Audrey’s Violet Creams, Augustus Gloop”

Show quote history

nailed it!

EyeScroll · 09/10/2023 10:57

A half eaten box of chocolates for every birthday for the rest of his life would be the measured response.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 10:57

He’s 15, is this really the hill you want to die on with him? To be honest you sound like a petulant child who’s not getting their own way. He ate some chocolate, who cares? Take the rest and hide them and eat them yourself if it means that much to you. Oh and take the other box as well then you can have lots of chocolate just for you. So yeah YABU.

It's not really about the chocolate...

I wouldn't do anything petty like replace his trainers, but I would quietly and firmly keep insisting that the chocolates are replaced.

To clarify, I wasn't suggesting that OP should take his branded trainers and replace them with cheapo ones; I was responding to a PP who was suggesting that a 16yo somehow wouldn't understand the difference between an expensive version of X and a cheap version of X. I was thinking more if he had Nikes that got trashed by a friend's carelessness/deliberate actions and then the friend, when forced, 'replaced' them with budget ones!

But as I always say, the gift itself is a red herring. The issue is that he saw someone else's (unopened!) gift and decided to take whatever he fancied. He did something really rude, didn't apologise, then doubled down by buying a cheap replacement that basically says "I'd rather not spend my money on you".

It doesn't matter what he took, it's the principle of it.

Nailed it. The posters saying "but it's only chocolates" are spectacularly missing the point here.

Am I the only one wondering whether OP's DP bought the presents from the teenagers - as you would expect if they were toddlers - as he knew that they value their mum so lowly that, if he hadn't made the effort, she would have ended up with the first thing they could find in Poundland, rather than them 'wasting their money' on her, by getting her something special that she would really appreciate?

Yes, it's the thought that counts - but not when somebody deliberately put no thought into it whatsoever.