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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

253 replies

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:00

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

OP posts:
OhDoh · 10/10/2023 06:21

Personally OP I think you are awesome for bringing this child up as your own. There must be valid reasons why you have been given custody. Hats off to you.

I would do as you have suggested. Have it set up for when they get home and state it's because they have one at your house and mums house. Tbh that child will be so upset leaving it at Bmums that having one with you will be extra special. X

user1492757084 · 10/10/2023 06:26

I would not spoil the main gift from Mum.
The child has done without the gift until now so just let the joy be for Mum.

Later, at next birthday, reconsider investing in a similar gift.

Choose another lovely gift for Christmas Eve.

Snugglemonkey · 10/10/2023 07:23

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/10/2023 09:19

Don't piss on mums parade, that's not nice. Even if you are the main guardian.

To be honest the mums feelings would be pretty far down my list given she isn’t remotely parenting her child and presents enough of a risk that contact has been supervised for 5 years. She can’t put her child first in letting them take a much wanted gift home with him which is the only reason the OP is in the position of trying to work things out. The OP is giving her far more consideration than the mum is giving her own child.

The only consideration here should be the child and what will work for them. I’d give him his gift when you’re doing all the other Christmas gifts, that way he can go to his mums secure in the knowledge he has the console at home where he can use it. If that bursts mum’s bubble so be it, it’s not about her.

This!

Snugglemonkey · 10/10/2023 07:32

sandyhappypeople · 09/10/2023 10:25

If his reaction is a bit of a let down to her when he opens the duplicate gift on Xmas day, then that’s hard luck for her really.

Why subject the child to a potentially bad atmosphere on Christmas days of all days just to get one up on the mother?

I wouldn’t give it as a ‘gift’ at all and certainly not on Christmas Eve.

Show quote history

It is not about getting one up on the mother, it is about protecting the feelings of a small child who is facing Christmas without his dad. That child does not need to feel anymore sadness!

Sugarfree23 · 10/10/2023 07:34

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/10/2023 03:23

WTF?!

This child spends most of his time with the OP. She is, to all intents and purposes, his mum. His father is dead and his mother is.....well...not allowed custody of him so take from that what you will.

He IS her kid and doing Xmas to include all of them in an equal way makes her a very good mother. She is the sort of woman I would want to be looking after my kids if I was to leave this earth earlier than planned!

Show quote history

There's another thread going where a child lives between two houses, Dads turn to have Christmas, the Mum was considering doing the whole Christmas thing a day early so they get Christmas before they go to Dads. The Op got slated for thinking about it.

This is very similar let the BM have the excitement of Christmas morning with the child and do the second Christmas on Boxing Day or in the evening of Christmas Day depending on when he gets home.

Why do it first?

LadyBird1973 · 10/10/2023 07:44

I'd buy it and give it to the child on Christmas Eve. And I would tell her this is what I'm doing so she has the option of changing her gift. You are the main parent here, she barely sees him and it's her choice to not allow him to bring anything she buys to his actual home. This is all on her.

LadyBird1973 · 10/10/2023 07:58

Also I'd be worried that she will promise to buy it and then not do so. I wouldn't trust a nrp who obviously has issues, to do something as important as buying my child's main Christmas present that they desperately want.

familyissues12345 · 10/10/2023 08:06

Personally, based on our own personal experience, I would do what you want to do.

There is no guarantee that Mum will buy the switch, or even keep it long term.

We had many a Christmas when DS's Dad announced "this is what I'm buying!", so we'd avoid it, Christmas Day would come and conveniently there was an issue, or the gift would magically vanish by the end of Jan. we stopped listening and if it was something that DS really wanted, we'd buy it for him to ensure he actually got what he wanted.

Dontcallmescarface · 10/10/2023 08:07

LadyBird1973 · 10/10/2023 07:58

Also I'd be worried that she will promise to buy it and then not do so. I wouldn't trust a nrp who obviously has issues, to do something as important as buying my child's main Christmas present that they desperately want.

That was my first thought as well.

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2023 08:43

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/10/2023 00:30

Sad that we both think the same way really, but life has taught me some harsh lessons.

And can I recommend the new audio editions.....John Culshaw doing the Watch series is amazing (listen to his voice for Bloody Stupid Johnson!)

Show quote history

Thanks! I shall search them out

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/10/2023 08:43

let mum give the child her present first. She may change her mind about what to give him so yours will still be the best present ever.

If she gives him the same, then he's got one at her place and one at your place.

If she lets him bring the thing back to your place then return yours as he doesn't need two (better have a back up present in case this happens).

MzHz · 10/10/2023 08:47

user1492757084 · 10/10/2023 06:26

I would not spoil the main gift from Mum.
The child has done without the gift until now so just let the joy be for Mum.

Later, at next birthday, reconsider investing in a similar gift.

Choose another lovely gift for Christmas Eve.

The mum is the Op - @Imjusttootired to be specific

she’s always been there for him, and will continue to be

the boys mother is just that, sees him once a month due to court order.

don’t allow whimsy and misplaced idealism to get in the way of the truth here.

@Imjusttootired should absolutely buy the switch and give it to him on Christmas Eve.

at the end of the day, the mother has always demanded that there are 2 of everything so can hardly complain.

why is is so inconceivable that some mothers are really bloody awful. This automatic sainthood really doesn’t help some really vulnerable children.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 10/10/2023 09:56

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 09:44

So what about this

on Xmas eve we have Xmas ( other children )
I give them all their non main presents / Santa stockings etc.
do not give the switch or other main presents.
i then gone the other their main presents on Xmas day.
and just have the switch set up in DSC bedroom for when they return and just say it was an extension of the gift they received and explain how to access both ( when I work that out )

Great plan. Young children don't really understand the cost of things so he won't feel he has missed out if you spend less on a main present because he has the switch as well.

I think it's great you want him to have positive experiences with his mother (he deserves that whether she does or not)

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 10/10/2023 10:38

i have spoken to my elder DC, who’s a few years younger and sort off knows about Santa. They will ask for a family switch on their Santa list ( when they do them together )
they will all receive it on Boxing Day.
the rest of the presents on Xmas eve.

OP posts:
Caterpillarsleftfoot · 10/10/2023 10:49

You are this child's Mum, you get to do the nice things and choose what is right for them. You sound lovely x

ReadtheReviews · 10/10/2023 11:05

Please don't give it Xmas eve. It is the mum's turn for Xmas nd that would be killing the gift excitement for her and child. Give it boxing day but not as your main.

crumblingschools · 10/10/2023 11:37

@ReadtheReviews do you think the OP is made of money?

toomuchfaff · 10/10/2023 15:26

am I misunderstanding here, you're planning on giving a present that the child's mum is also planning to give? I'd say that some serious toe stepping... I'd say mum has top trumps here, and your over stepping. If mum us being abhorrent to the child then purchase a 2nd same item after Christmas... not before? I may have totally misunderstood.

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 10/10/2023 15:30

@toomuchfaff yes not because I want to buy them the same gift but because it’s something they want and if I don’t it means not getting it for majority of the year. I’m not sure why she has top trumps over myself but that’s a different argument.
however we have decided that we will get one Boxing Day. But I can’t buy them a second main present so that’s the lot.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 10/10/2023 15:50

toomuchfaff · 10/10/2023 15:26

am I misunderstanding here, you're planning on giving a present that the child's mum is also planning to give? I'd say that some serious toe stepping... I'd say mum has top trumps here, and your over stepping. If mum us being abhorrent to the child then purchase a 2nd same item after Christmas... not before? I may have totally misunderstood.

Toe Stepping ??? Really. Have you read any of the thread.?
The person that gave birth to the child is not even deemed safe enough to have unsupervised visits with her child. She sees said child 1 day a month supervised because she is obviously not fit to be a parent. This person insists that nothing leaves her house when the child goes back to his home.
The OP has brought this child up. The father is dead and the fact that she has been given parental rights over the person who gave birth speaks volumes.
There is no bloody toe stepping going on here.

IGiveUpalready · 10/10/2023 16:06

toomuchfaff · 10/10/2023 15:26

am I misunderstanding here, you're planning on giving a present that the child's mum is also planning to give? I'd say that some serious toe stepping... I'd say mum has top trumps here, and your over stepping. If mum us being abhorrent to the child then purchase a 2nd same item after Christmas... not before? I may have totally misunderstood.

Agreed, The child's mum should have precedence here, however, she is clearly a decent human being and has put the child's feelings first and has found a pretty good compromise for when the biological mother lets the child down.

@Imjusttootired Your children are awesome, a joint Christmas gift on Boxing day is a great idea!

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 10/10/2023 16:24

I meant older by the way🙈

OP posts:
Phoenixfire1988 · 10/10/2023 16:48

Yep do this give it boxing day and any other gifts Xmas eve as planned

Nicolaluu · 10/10/2023 18:04

The child is the most important factor not credit for the gift. Whoever gives it first the child will likely want to take it with them and get upset when they can’t so I’d let mum give it xmas day (because it is an xmas gift) and have her say they will get another one from you for at you house so they don’t get upset parting with it. No upstaging, and Childs needs put first

Wouldyouguess · 10/10/2023 19:09

beachdays27 · 09/10/2023 00:36

You've offered a compromise, mum has said no, I think I'd give it Xmas Eve. Hopefully they'll be excited to get it again Xmas day and play with it. And if you tell mum that's what you intend to do hopefully she won't feel you've been underhand.

Kinda crappy advice, Mum is buying it and OP can give it to the kid later at any other point. The kid will not be excited getting the same thing from mum a day later...