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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

253 replies

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:00

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

OP posts:
Ap42 · 09/10/2023 22:13

I completly get this. My children's father sees 1 of our children twice a month, for 48 hours, the other child not at all. Yet anything that is purchased for her from him and his family has to stay there. When we first split he would take clothes and dressing gowns off their backs as they stepped through my front door. Even a day after our son was discharged from hospital with pneumonia

You sound like you absolutely have this child's best interests at heart, buy the switch but let Mum know and the reasoning behind it.

Caerulea · 09/10/2023 22:17

Trakand01 · 09/10/2023 20:19

If it’s a switch I’d say get two. They’ll be pining for it while they’re at home.

Only word of caution is that the save games are stored on the device itself so they’ll have completely different ‘saves’ at each house and no way to sync them. Also unless they smuggle the cartridge home to yours, you’ll have to buy duplicate games as well.

Other than that, switches are amazing consoles and well worth the money.

Was coming to say this. It is possible to save game data to the Nintendo cloud but you have to pay a yearly subscription - Nintendo Switch Online. Otherwise they'll have two different lots of game progress, which for some games will be infuriating.

IveHadItUpToHere · 09/10/2023 22:43

If you can afford it, buy the Switch for yourself.
Then DSC can use it at your home but it doesn't 'compete' with their present from their DM.
Their present from you can be a game for the Switch which you can present as being a gift they can use when at their DM's but actually they can use it in your house on your Switch.

Startrekkeruniverse · 09/10/2023 22:59

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 21:29

I know some people are purposely being rude because I am a step mum. I am all they have ever known. They are treating in this house no different than my own. I am the one who has bathed / cared / paid and comforted them. I am the one who has gone to medical appointments / school meetings / therapy and it always be this way
do not dismiss me because I am not a bio mum because without me he would be in system somewhere which would not have helped them or their mum.

👏👏👏👏👏👏 stepmums are absolutely hated on mumsnet. Very well said. As if biological mums can do no wrong lol.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/10/2023 22:59

I think what you're suggesting sounds perfectly sound - child isn't upset they've only had one day with their Switch, mum still gets to give the gift, you do as well.

You need a subscription (about £25 per year) to play some online games. Most you won't need to, as you can buy the physical games, it really depends if you want him to have online access to things like Animal Crossing.

It is fairly easy to set up and parental controls are rigorous.

Annoyingnamechangerperson · 09/10/2023 23:08

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 21:29

I know some people are purposely being rude because I am a step mum. I am all they have ever known. They are treating in this house no different than my own. I am the one who has bathed / cared / paid and comforted them. I am the one who has gone to medical appointments / school meetings / therapy and it always be this way
do not dismiss me because I am not a bio mum because without me he would be in system somewhere which would not have helped them or their mum.

I imagine had you used the words you adopted your child and he was seeing birth mum, which is pretty much the same situation seeing as you are his sole parent at this point, I suspect your answers would’ve been much different from some posters on here.

If your dc is old enough I’d maybe have a chat and ask if they want to ask Santa for the same present at both houses and then take it from there.

I wouldn’t be changing my plans or traditions to be honest you have Christmas Day on Christmas Eve and don’t hold back gifts.

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 09/10/2023 23:08

Haven't read the whole thing (sorry) but maybe buy the other type of switch.... one that can be hand held and the other that is hand held and also connected to the tv?? So they are the same, but different?? Sorry if this has been suggested already. You sound like a star... 💐💐💐

JustAMinutePleass · 09/10/2023 23:13

The opinions of a parent who only has her child 12 x a year don’t count. Do what suits you and your children.

withlovefromlou · 09/10/2023 23:22

Have you thought about a Nintendo Switch Lite for keeping at yours? It doesn’t connect to the tv like the actual Switch, but you can still play most games on it. That would make it a slightly different gift to mum, and the little one hopefully wouldn’t see it as a duplicate present 😊

TeenLifeMum · 09/10/2023 23:40

You are bringing this dc up as your own child so this isn’t a usual step mum situation. I’d say you can get dc whatever you want and tell his mum what you’re doing and let her decide. Alternatively get him a play station so it’s a different console. My dc have both and play both. Do what you think will make dc happiest.

I’m sorry you’ve have to provide so much explanation on here. It’s clear that a dc living with step mum when dad isn’t there and mum has limited access there’s complexities and it didn’t need justifying to ignorant posters who can’t comprehend a dc being with their mum may not be the best place for them.

TeenLifeMum · 09/10/2023 23:42

@withlovefromlou why would you want a dc to have the smaller version for most of the time and only the bigger one at his mum’s house who he sees so little of?

withlovefromlou · 09/10/2023 23:47

BM wants to buy little one the switch and it doesn’t seem like she’ll want to back down. Therefore it might be better for the OP (who clearly doesn’t want to cause any drama) to tweak their gift a little so the little one doesn’t get a duplicate gift and mum doesn’t feel like her toes are being stepped on.

They also mentioned little one wanting it as a handheld console, so it might be a better option anyway as the lite is a lot more portable.

I was only suggesting it anyway, I’m pretty sure OP won’t be swayed by one comment 😊

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/10/2023 23:54

Frankly the chances of his actually receiving the gift are slim. She sounds like DP's ex....big on promises but never actually delivers. And even if she does, it will be pawned before the end of January.

Do what is best for your son. And he is your son.

Mamanyt · 10/10/2023 00:06

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:03

@Dotcheck i mean I could give it Boxing Day instead - that doesn’t bother me.

And you've solved your problem. But do get something fun for Christmas.

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2023 00:25

Darkmode2 · 09/10/2023 09:42

I think the mother is being ridiculous not allowing him to take it home with him. It'll hardly be used, what a waste of money

I have a nasty suspicious mind

Has she got the money for one? Will it actually appear?

Will it get sold again?

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2023 00:26

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/10/2023 23:54

Frankly the chances of his actually receiving the gift are slim. She sounds like DP's ex....big on promises but never actually delivers. And even if she does, it will be pawned before the end of January.

Do what is best for your son. And he is your son.

Cross post before I read yours!

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/10/2023 00:30

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2023 00:26

Cross post before I read yours!

Show quote history

Sad that we both think the same way really, but life has taught me some harsh lessons.

And can I recommend the new audio editions.....John Culshaw doing the Watch series is amazing (listen to his voice for Bloody Stupid Johnson!)

TiaraBoo · 10/10/2023 00:48

@Imjusttootired I think your plan of most presents on Christmas Eve and second switch on Boxing Day is the best plan for DS and all children involved.
You don’t want to delay Christmas for all children until Boxing Day and if birth mum gives Switch on Christmas Day, DS has a good Xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day.
I wouldn’t want him to have to pretend to like birth mum’s switch if he’d already got one. Nothing to do with her, all about how DS will get the best Christmas in this situation.

Sugarfree23 · 10/10/2023 00:52

Op whats the logic of the Christmas Eve gifts, would it not be easier to do Christmas Day with your kids and then Boxing day when the boy is home?

jammyhand · 10/10/2023 02:08

Does he know he's getting it from BM on xmas day? If so, can you get him a cool (and not too expensive) Switch case / accessory for xmas eve? Then second switch anytime after xmas

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/10/2023 03:23

Sugarfree23 · 10/10/2023 00:52

Op whats the logic of the Christmas Eve gifts, would it not be easier to do Christmas Day with your kids and then Boxing day when the boy is home?

WTF?!

This child spends most of his time with the OP. She is, to all intents and purposes, his mum. His father is dead and his mother is.....well...not allowed custody of him so take from that what you will.

He IS her kid and doing Xmas to include all of them in an equal way makes her a very good mother. She is the sort of woman I would want to be looking after my kids if I was to leave this earth earlier than planned!

Mintyt · 10/10/2023 04:15

This is the 2nd ever thread I have read in full, and I would do as planned. Your Christmas on Christmas Eve, he can see his mum on Christmas Day and get another one, then on Boxing Day I would do the stockings,

CKMc2b · 10/10/2023 05:49

Since they're not allowed to use it at your place anyway, I'd get something different.

GreenVelvetCushions · 10/10/2023 06:05

GlitteryGreen · 09/10/2023 09:23

Personally in this situation I'd be getting you partner to tell his ex that you'll be getting SC the Switch and giving it to them on Christmas Eve, so that they can enjoy it the majority of the time as you're aware she won't allow items to be brought to your house.

Then she is the one choosing whether to buy a 2nd or choose something else.

FFS Read the thread!! 🙄

Bearcub101 · 10/10/2023 06:09

When ds was little something like bikes we had at each home, others like the wii (remember them!) travelled back and forth. We viewed it that they were ds’s and he could take them wherever he wanted. Then as he got older and had a PlayStation and Xbox he had at each home as he would catch the school but so become more difficult to take back and forth as we weren’t picking him up/dropping him off. Games travelled though.