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Original poster

To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

253 replies

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:00

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

OP posts:
Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 15:44

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Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 15:45

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Bluela18 · 09/10/2023 17:43

Hello to a wonderful grandma who is doing the best for this child in what seems already difficult circumstances. I already posted today but , I don't know the background obviously, some people pointing out bad of the mum, noone knows the background! People saying she's so bad she's an addict. Doesn't mean she doesn't love her child, maybe she's trying to get better. Who knows the real story. Only grandma knows. Personally I'd still not go with what mummy wants to get, it her day and her special day, who cares about anything else. Child will be so happy to open it at mummy's, and be so happy to play on it at mummy's once a month. Leave it be. Its a games console!! More important things in a childs life.

Bluela18 · 09/10/2023 17:47

Read that through (obviously after posting ). . Personally I'd still go with mum..

Sugarfree23 · 09/10/2023 17:47

Op do you have other kids too?

When will the boy get home from his mums? Could you split your Christmas between Christmas Day and Boxing Day or the 27th if hes not back to 26th?

Even if it means the other kids get their big things on Christmas Day and some wee things books, Selection boxes, t-shirts on the "second Christmas"

celticprincess · 09/10/2023 18:00

I hate co parenting at Xmas!! It’s coven me mad for nearly 10 years. We alternate but somehow they always get Christmas with dad before me and then are almost sick of present opening when I get them. I wanted to keep the tradition of Santa delivering Xmas eve, so at mine that’s what happens. So dad has them before Xmas one year and they get all their presents early - usually for the couple of days before Xmas with me due to him working after Xmas. When he has them I still do Xmas presents being delivered on Xmas even so they’re there when they get back. So again they have done with the present openings. And then we usually have to fit in grandparent opening too which is usually the day I have them but after they’ve done mine.

When small we had to stop expensive things travelling between houses as I had to replace a few Amazon fire tablets that were mysteriously broken by the time they got back to my house. When my DM bought them an iPad each I decided they weren’t t travel so dad got the a cheaper tablet for his house. They have a switch for mine but as they got older I allowed it travel again. Oh, suddenly it won’t turn on. Water damage when investigated. Probably from leaking bottles in bags 🤦‍♀️. We are less strict with clothes but o do end up having to ask for ‘nice stuff I’ve bought’ t be sent back eventually as I often left with the slightly shabby outgrown stuff they come back to me wearing and which I eventually get rid of. I now just tell them when they get dressed to go to his t make sure it’s not something they want to wee again anytime soon because they both don’t go that often and it hangs around in washing pile for months!

Holly60 · 09/10/2023 18:37

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:27

@N0KIA Yeh it’s is an issue because it’s not something I think you only want to use once a month.
( handheld game console )

I think rather than give it as a gift, could you just quietly say that he will have a duplicate to keep at yours, when he opens the gift?

I absolutely agree he needs one to keep at your but I can also see that it would be a bit unfair on his mum to gift him the same thing.

I also actually think it's a bit unfair on him as in practice he actually loses out on a gift from you, as it's just a duplicate of the same gift.

IMO I think it would be best to buy him a completely different gift for Xmas but have a duplicate of his mums gift at your house. It's a pain but these things are very complicated I guess.

If there are other kids obviously you'll have to decide how to play it to be fair .

rrrrrreatt · 09/10/2023 18:41

OP can you be confident she will buy it for him? I don’t know the circumstances of your specific situation but I come from a background where I’ve seen many big promises made by birth parents with the best of intentions not come to fruition.

I would say to her “I’m sure XXX will love his switch so much he’ll want to play with it all the time. I’m going to buy him one to use in our home, I’m happy for him to bring it to yours (if you are sure it’ll be safe there) so either he can bring it to yours and you could buy some games or he could have one in each home and you can buy one as well, which would you prefer?” And then work from there to decide on how to gift it. If you trust her to be honest, you could always supply it wrapped or to be wrapped with the games she purchases for him to open on Xmas day. If she says she wants to gift a second one, I’d give it to him after her or it’ll create tension for DSC when he opens it on Xmas day and is like oh another one and really that day should be as lovely for him as is possible, given the circumstances.

jellybeanathome · 09/10/2023 18:48

Just wanted to say - I think that your DSC is very lucky to have you. My view would be to give the child the present you want to give them and make sure the mum knows that's what you'll be doing and that they can use it at her house, so she can decide if she wants to spend the money or not. I suspect the issue is that she wants to give the best present (I can imagine I would if I were her, not that I can imagine being in that situation).... so suggestions of things DSC would LOVE to soften it a bit would be nice?

justjeansandanicetop · 09/10/2023 19:01

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 09:16

Tbf when I wrote this post I was not to bothered about hurting her feelings
I was more concerned about DSC opening the same present twice. 🙈

Switches are expensive and it seems a total waste of money to have one that will only be used one day a month.

It makes much more sense for the switch for travel, and as you are happy with that, makes sense for you to buy it, and for her to buy something else.

But if she won't see reason, then yeah, you may have to just buy two. I would just try and get him some other wee things as well....not easy though, I know, as switches are so expensive.

Monkeymonkeymoo · 09/10/2023 19:18

I’d suggest telling him when you drop him off on Xmas day that you’ll get him a copy of anything he gets from his mum that she wants to keep at her house. That way he knows that he’ll have access to it so he doesn’t spend all day stressed and upset but you also don’t ruin her surprise or his excitement (and also don’t risk there being drama about you stealing her thunder and making the day miserable for him).

On Christmas Eve maybe just do stockings and a Christmas Eve box so you don’t have to worry about him being disappointed when he opens his main present and it’s not a Switch. You can do main presents with the other kids on Christmas Day when he gets home (presumably if the contact is supervised then he doesn’t stay overnight).
I’d get him something different as his main present from you (budget permitting) and then get the Switch as an extra (or give it as his main present if mum doesn’t end up getting it for him- it sounds like she has some issues so may not actually manage to get one even if she plans to at the moment).

Or if he’d be happy to share (or the other kids are young enough that it’s not an issue) then the suggestion to buy a Switch as a family present for everyone in the house is a good idea. It means he’d still get his own special present from both you and his mum but that he’d also have access to the Switch at your house.

You’re doing an amazing job, it sounds like your family have had a really tough year but he’s lucky to have someone who obviously cares so much about him.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 09/10/2023 19:24

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 13:12

@towriteyoumustlive i really don’t think she would have cake with me unfortunately. To her I am the women who “ stole “ her DC.

I will try and mess around with idea of Boxing Day and other kids main on Xmas day etc

I'm quite late to this thread, but please don't spoil that Christmas Day for your (step) DC and their Mum. They (the DC) will remember that happy day, and it might be one of very few, as I think you know. I come from a quite complex family - we have all sorts of adoptive/care/non-biological children. And it's glorious!

My "cousin" - for want of any other suitable word - didnt know their dad, and had a Mum who began early on not to cope at all (alcoholism). The rest of the family wrapped around and this cousin has now a successful business, lovely spouse and DC. But they talk about their early memories with family and it means so much to them. Please let your DC enjoy that day with their Mum. And give your identical gift later. Your DC, if they lose touch with their Mum and at 1 day per month contact that is likely, and having lost their dad, will need good family memories.

JustCheckingUp · 09/10/2023 19:54

What an absolute legend you are OP. How about creating something like a little box or card, or a letter from Santa saying he’s going to leave an extra gift waiting for when he gets home? It’ll give him something to be excited about and he will be entirely distracted from being upset when she does t let him fetch the new console home

Trakand01 · 09/10/2023 20:19

If it’s a switch I’d say get two. They’ll be pining for it while they’re at home.

Only word of caution is that the save games are stored on the device itself so they’ll have completely different ‘saves’ at each house and no way to sync them. Also unless they smuggle the cartridge home to yours, you’ll have to buy duplicate games as well.

Other than that, switches are amazing consoles and well worth the money.

Newmumatlast · 09/10/2023 20:23

If you give it boxing day then I think that is fine

rainbowunicorn · 09/10/2023 20:34

Bluela18 · 09/10/2023 17:43

Hello to a wonderful grandma who is doing the best for this child in what seems already difficult circumstances. I already posted today but , I don't know the background obviously, some people pointing out bad of the mum, noone knows the background! People saying she's so bad she's an addict. Doesn't mean she doesn't love her child, maybe she's trying to get better. Who knows the real story. Only grandma knows. Personally I'd still not go with what mummy wants to get, it her day and her special day, who cares about anything else. Child will be so happy to open it at mummy's, and be so happy to play on it at mummy's once a month. Leave it be. Its a games console!! More important things in a childs life.

Why do you keep banging on about grandparents? There is no mention of grandparents. This is the OPs stepchild. At least read the thread if you are going to contribute to it.

rainbowunicorn · 09/10/2023 20:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

You just don't know when to give up do you? Stop trying to upset the OP with all your questions.

Fusterclucked · 09/10/2023 20:51

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 01:14

I think the main issue is - that this is how it worked between the mum and their dad. Everything was seperate including them having to change clothes on arrival or before they left so no clothes ended up in the wrong houses.
2 bikes 2 scooters 2 lots of clothes etc

You answer your own question here..
2 bikes, 2 scooters etc

2 games consoles.

Bollindger · 09/10/2023 20:52

Put the money on one side.
Then let the Birth mother give the gift.
Let the child tell you that BM says it isn't allowed to come home.
Give them a card from Santa that says it is good for a 2nd special gift as Santa didn't want them to go without.
then find it at the back of the tree. hand over on boxing day....

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 21:25

Hi thank you for responses
I am no way trying to ruin their and the mums Xmas.
I’m trying to save DSC Xmas !
before there wasn’t much concept on Christmas but they are now much more aware and I don’t think I would want them to be heart broken over a switch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 21:29

I know some people are purposely being rude because I am a step mum. I am all they have ever known. They are treating in this house no different than my own. I am the one who has bathed / cared / paid and comforted them. I am the one who has gone to medical appointments / school meetings / therapy and it always be this way
do not dismiss me because I am not a bio mum because without me he would be in system somewhere which would not have helped them or their mum.

OP posts:
ScattyGinger · 09/10/2023 22:00

From a gaming perspective wouldn't it be difficult not being able to take it to different places, as it means they will be at different stages of games on each console. They'd make loads of progress on the one they had all the time, it almost wouldn't be worth it to just play the other for so few days a year? Unless they are using that to play games all together like Mario Kart.

Sugarfree23 · 09/10/2023 22:05

Op your doing a grand job.

The more I think the more I think let mum buy what she wants you buy a Switch and give it to him on Boxing Day.

She might actually want to play things like Mario Kart she can play with him.

Bouncyball23 · 09/10/2023 22:07

My ds now 15 used to get main present at home and in his dads for the same reasons he was never allowed to bring them from dad's, he was always more exited to have it at home where he could actually get good use out off it.

Beccy1990 · 09/10/2023 22:08

Is mum getting the switch or the switch lite? Could you get the other type? Alternatively could you do your Christmas on Boxing Day instead of Xmas eve and then mum can do her thing and then you do yours?