To wonder how parents deal with once child being more successful than the other?

[User5512]

Is it hard to not feel sorry for the “poorer” child?

DC A : Got lucky with their first job at a start up, successful exit after 5 yrs. invested wisely and is now a multi millionaire. Great lifestyle, flexible pay, very high paying jobs (C level) etc

DC B: NHS consultant, stressful job, relatively lower pay, very little flexibility. Married to another NHS doctor.

Parents support DC B a lot (childcare mostly) and DC-A gets quite annoyed as they don’t get as much support. They can afford to pay, but you can’t buy grandparents.

DC-B feels left out when DC-A takes parents on exotic holidays with their family, gives them expensive gifts (cars and watches etc)

Parents feel stuck in the middle !

Seriously??

Wow, just wow. Two docs earning £200k plus between them is poorer than their multimillionaire sibling. Neither need our tears tbh. If the docs want to take their parents away then take them for a week in the med and Stfu.

It doesn't sound like either one of them need support. A couple with a few holidays a year don't need free childcare. Your financially better off adult child also doesn't but if you're helping one with childcare why not the other. They're both your adult offspring treat them equally. No need to feel for the "poorer" one as you put it. They're not multi millionaires but also not poor seeing as they both have well paid NHS job roles. Seems your kids need to appreciate what they have rather than dwell on what they don't have

Absolutely agree with this. In fact, I'd say DC B is the most successful - he/she didn't 'get lucky', they worked bloody hard to get where they are (and nobody can 'gift you' the abililty to get through long years of studying medicine, you do it through your own ability, blood, sweat and tears). We need another 'financial wizard' like a hole in the head, they're ten a penny and it's not exactly unknown for them to come a cropper at some stage - but we sure as hell do need hospital consultants.

I find the OP really strange in its' intimation of what constitutes 'success'.

OP what’s the issue as you’re neither the parents or child so making up a non-existent issue? Which party is unhappy because it’s nothing to do with you either?

In a childcare situation however I understand the time spent with DCB due to their professions. It’s not about money but childcare availability. As doctors they’ll work some weird and unpredictable hours. You can’t get childcare that is that flexible and consistent during evenings etc. I know as I have a similar setup and my mum helps me out due to this (we have the money and I actually pay her an hourly rate like a childminder. She didn’t want this but I was happier doing this as she helps me 3 days per week which is significant). My sister has less money but a standard hours job so getting child care is easier.

My sister is proud of me (corporate high flyer bla bla bla) and I her (works in a more meaningful job as a civil servant) and would never ask me to pay for her or give her money. She isn’t a charity case and acting in this way changes the sibling dynamic. People also live within their means so DCA will have much higher expenses.

I just think this is a non-issue and if jealousy between them it would be from childhood favouritism not adult monetary earnings.

Sounds like a stealth boasting post to me.

Exactly! Both children make the parents feel bad in different ways.

Then the parents need to tell the children to stop making them feel bad as they have different circumstances, as that is unfair.

They are not going to refuse to spend time with their grandchildren or refuse exotic holidays to make either child feel better

Sorry, this just sounds like the gob smacking lack of self awareness of an an exceptionally privileged family.
I would have hoped the NHS consultant would have enough contact with us ordinary plebs to know that they actually had a great deal to be happy/grateful about
This comes across as entitled bickering from a very out of touch family that measures worth in £££…. Wealthy people drama 🥱🤦

Totally agree with this.

This is silly. One of my brothers
is a fairly famous actor with huge wealth and acclaim; one is a school teacher with a nice wife and beautiful kids, I’m doing ok with a portfolio career that I love. I hope my parents feel happy for all of us, and don’t paint my famous brother’s good fortune as some kind of misfortune to the rest of us. Things come and go, with family you see it warts and all and success in money and career is not the be all and end all. Just relate to your children as humans.

Exactly. You seem to only see success as wealth which is ridiculous. Those siblings need to grow up and stop comparing themselves

How would I deal with the “grown up”children described in this post?

I would tell them both to get a grip. They are both very fortunate, clever and have had many opportunities In life which they’ve clearly made the most of.

As a parent I would offer each of them a week of help with childcare. No more. I would visit them as equally as possible. I would never compare them, snipe about one to the other or play them off against the other one (I say this because it does happen in some families). I would never entertain one of them moaning about the other to me, and shut it down immediately.

They have chosen to be high flyers, working hard with high incomes. With that comes the responsibility of sorting out childcare and frankly not moaning like a spoiled child when you realise that you can’t always have it all.

Sibling rivalry does not always go away with age and there may be nothing the parents can do other than put firm boundaries in place and not get involved.

Do you live closer to any particular child?
Are both children daughter's/sons or one of each?
I've found growing up, and also now as a parent (not just my family) but daughter's are usually closer to their parents than sons are, they tend to rely on their moms to guide them through motherhood and in turn rely on them to fill the mother gaps when they can't.

My advice if you are the parent is to try and split your time between both sets of grandchildren, but also have time for yourselves. Obviously if both drs are on night duty that's harder to cover, but also their employers should be respectful and mindful of this and allow alternate shift patterns.
I would also try and have all the grandchildren on the same days if possible so they get to have a close cousin bond with each other. Maybe have weekly or monthly family meals with both families, each being a dish etc. You must be very proud to have two wonderfully successful and loving children and grandchildren.

My DB is like DC A in your scenario. I'm not a millionaire, but comfortable and my DSis didn't finish her qualifications (both myself and my DB studied for years) and has stayed in low paid admin roles.

My DM felt sorry for my DSis, her kids got so much stuff, one Christmas my kids got magazines years too young for them and a plastic yoyo each . My neice received a laptop and nephew an expensive skateboard and ramps. My kids were upset by that it happened until 2 years ago when my DM realised what she'd done. She's trying to make amends now. I also helped my DSis out btw but my DB, like many rich people, is tight.

In your scenario, Child B doesn't sound destitute! I'd expect GPs to spend time with both sets of GCs. The children should not lose out knowing their GP.

Child B can afford what they can, they shouldn't be jealous of Child A and what thry can afford. They need to be grateful for what they have!

spend equal time with all your grandchildren - that's the only thing you have control over.

Why do you need to “deal” with it at all?

Some weird definitions of lack of success here.

I am the most successful out of my siblings. (However, I live the DCB lifestyle! 😬 That’s successful where I’m from!)

My parents have thrown everything they have into the “least successful” of their children. It purports to be about childcare and some such. There’s also a lot of money that changes hands. And I have been removed from their will (“because you don’t need it, JustEat… you have money!”)

It’s not about any of these things really. It’s about control. The way they control my sibling is to make them financially dependent and through frequent reminders that they are not “successful”.
Financial dependence (including childcare dependency) is ineffective on me, so they control me by withdrawing all but a scant few crumbs of their affection, and telling me that my own success is why they do it. A life long punishment, with a posthumous kicker.

I do have one more sibling. The Runaway. 10 years younger. He lives out of a campervan: last seen performing his morning ablutions in sepia tone under an apple tree on Instagram.

My kids aren’t going to be subjected to this shite.

I think the wealthier A adult are trying to tell you that they would like you to spend more time seeing/visiting their children. They feel let down. Because yes they have lots of money but you cant buy grandparent. At the end of the day they want their kids to have happy memories with ye. That is why they are trying to 'buy' ye/yer time with fancy holidays.

For the B family. They would of been preseen/envisaged to be the more successful only for the 1st got lucky. At the end of the day the A adult took a chance and it paid off. If the company didnt take off they of been job hopping. They were wise and made the best decision/choices available. But they worked hard to get what they got. Ot wasnt handed to them. Family B should be reminded of this. Also family B can invest money if they want to take the gamble. It might work it might pay out they might lose all. Its all risk. Your first took a lot of risks and the second needs to get over this.

I would try and maybe just call around to A more often. Its not about money its about quality time with you for them.

I am sorry that you are stuck trying in the middle of this.

I would say both children are very successful and although child A has more money, child B isn’t exactly destitute. I would tell them to be very thankful they are where
they are in life and if they want to make changes, it’s their responsibility to do so.

Honestly I think this mad compulsion to have everything exactly equal is silly.
I have siblings and we all know we are valued by our parents, we get different input but that's because we have different life circumstances.
It doesn't matter. And we try to all meet up, so that the GPS aren't run off their feet trying to rush around and see everyone. The cousins have fun and get closer, that's a win too.
We share what we have with one another (whatever that is) and dote on each other's kids.
Life is too short.

Both of your children are hugely successful. I've never met a poor consultant. 2 Dr salaries are pretty hefty together. They need to get over themselves.

Neither of them are skint, it's just that one is actively a multi millionaire, so YABU.

Both children have done well for themselves. When I clicked on this thread I thought child b was going to be a homeless crackhead

Actually, we were just having this conversation at the weekend....

My brother is wealthy. Works in financial services, and has a large property (plus three rentals) in an expensive area. His partner doesn't need to work, and they have three kids, two nice cars, paid off; three foreign holidays a year, etc.
My sister is a nurse. She and her husband (who is a teacher) work hard - longer hours than my brother. They have an older car, and a smaller house; two kids, and they have to be more careful with holidays, etc.
I work in higher education, with (sadly) no kids. I have a flat , a decent car, two or three holidays a year.... Definitely the smallest household income, but the lowest outgoings too.

Anyway. The value to society doesn't equate with the salaries we earn! We had a good-natured argument about it on Sunday, at the parents' for dinner. It feels wrong to me that we financially value those who make rich people richer, and pay people less, who make higher contributions to society.
Our parents assert that they are equally proud of us all, and are careful to make all of the children, and grandchildren, equal. So, I borrowed a couple of grand from them for an emergency roof repair at my property, and they said just to keep it, and wrote both of my siblings a cheque for the same! For my brother, it's a drop in the ocean, but for my sister, it's very much welcomed.

I don't know how best to decide 'worth', or 'success'.... and whether it's helpful to do so. We all have different qualities, contributions, and skills. My folks claim they would be as proud of us all, if we were barpeople, or worked in Tesco (both of which are tough jobs!) - and I am kind of inclined to believe them; but that's probably a lot to do with them, and how they've brought us up.
So, I'd say that's potentially the trick....