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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how parents deal with once child being more successful than the other?

331 replies

User5512 · 08/10/2023 18:54

Is it hard to not feel sorry for the “poorer” child?

DC A : Got lucky with their first job at a start up, successful exit after 5 yrs. invested wisely and is now a multi millionaire. Great lifestyle, flexible pay, very high paying jobs (C level) etc

DC B: NHS consultant, stressful job, relatively lower pay, very little flexibility. Married to another NHS doctor.

Parents support DC B a lot (childcare mostly) and DC-A gets quite annoyed as they don’t get as much support. They can afford to pay, but you can’t buy grandparents.

DC-B feels left out when DC-A takes parents on exotic holidays with their family, gives them expensive gifts (cars and watches etc)

Parents feel stuck in the middle !

OP posts:
beanii · 09/10/2023 19:32

As parents, you treat them equally regardless of what they do for a living.

My toxic parents are the same though, my brother had everything, I had nothing as they never wanted a daughter 🤷‍♀️

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 09/10/2023 19:33

Success isn't measured by money, it's happiness. Just because two children come from the same parents doesn't mean the same things make them happy, or that they are good at the same things, or even want the same.

Provided they are both happy and settled, they're equally successful. Try and look at it that way. My sibling and I are polar opposite in every way, one of us earns well, the other works in a shop. Both of us love our jobs. Both of us are happily married and own our own homes, in different areas but we both like where we live. The income stream means nothing.

Mama1209 · 09/10/2023 19:34

If I was a multi millionaire, I’d send my nieces & nephews to private day school along with my own, so there would be no childcare needed and take my full family on exotic holidays! What’s the point in having millions if you can’t spend the time enjoying it with your family?!

Messyhair321 · 09/10/2023 19:38

I think I'd be enormously proud of both actually. Mine are the same, different as you can get, one hangs around doing arty stuff does ok financially but basically gives it all away, holds no value to money drives me insane. The other is very driven & more commercially successful (also an artist) has stacks of money in the bank & will go very far I think.
Love them both.

Jazzicatz · 09/10/2023 19:40

Is this a stealth post?

Messyhair321 · 09/10/2023 19:43

I tell you what though. My parents take no notice of my more success DD & dote on the other one that just bums around. I mean they totally ignore my other DD. It's really odd & I've long since given up trying to understand it

48Times11 · 09/10/2023 19:49

kiddosbedtimealready · 08/10/2023 20:00

Weird, why are you so involved in the sibling rivalry of your cousins. I thought the post was a humblebrag by the parents TBH, but now I'm just confused.

yes I am confused by this too.

Also confused that success seems to be defined only by wealth?

And the GPs need to give equal time as much as humanly possible, I would think, if this is a source of grievance from one child.

WhatK8DidNext · 09/10/2023 19:50

User5512 · 08/10/2023 19:13

Both DC are not local. Parents go to DC-B’s for all school holidays (except when dc-b’s family are away on a holiday or they take time off)

DC-A has children too.

Show quote history

This is awful. I would be devastated if my parents did this. They need to be treating their grandchildren equally.

Money isn’t everything.

Livemenot · 09/10/2023 20:05

I would also feel it’s unfair that grandparents only/mainly childmind my sibling’s children. And it’s not about money, I could gladly pay them for it. It’s about kids being raised by their grandparents rather than strangers.

Fionaville · 09/10/2023 20:10

If I was DC A, I'd be hiring a villa and paying for DC B to come on big family holidays with the parents.

As for expensive gifts, there is nothing DC B can do about that. They should just be pleased to see their parents being spoiled.

Parents should support the childcare needs of both DCs equally. Otherwise they are favouring one set of grandchildren over the other. Doesn't matter the financial reasons, its not fair on the grandchildren.

Mumaway · 09/10/2023 20:14

We are 2 drs, but live far from all grandparents. My sister married money, is a SAHM and lives near both sets of grandparents.
The flexibility and help of having grandparents nearby is invaluable, and something I am very envious of, given the inflexible and urgent nature of our jobs. I am regularly frustrated by my sister complaining of what a hard week she has had and dropping the kids at my parents so she and DH can go away for a spontaneous weekend. If only.

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/10/2023 20:14

Two high achieving adults with different salaries & lifestyle, competing and enacting gripes via their parents
Utterly shameful. Two capable adults should be better than this and sort out their own childcare without making it a competition

littleripper · 09/10/2023 20:15

😂😂😂Nice try OP

Pretendthatwearedead · 09/10/2023 20:16

This is bizarre. They are both successful. A financially and B financially, career wise, intellectually and family wise. Either moaning or feeling jealous seems oddly needy and off-putting.

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/10/2023 20:17

Pretendthatwearedead · 09/10/2023 20:16

This is bizarre. They are both successful. A financially and B financially, career wise, intellectually and family wise. Either moaning or feeling jealous seems oddly needy and off-putting.

Wholeheartedly agree, it’s really petty & puerile to compete like this

ilovechocolate07 · 09/10/2023 20:20

A and B sound like they're doing just fine to me.

museumum · 09/10/2023 20:25

I was waiting for dcC who is a single parent working the checkouts at Aldi.

dcA and dcB are both fine and need to count their blessings rather than resent each other. Were they brought up in a competitive environment? They seem to feel pitched against each other. Parents need to encourage them both to stop being resentful.

catherinewales · 09/10/2023 20:26

Omg 1st world problems and all that OP. Thought you was going to say ones a millionaire and ones on benefits. You know they're starving people in this country don't you? Tell the other child to move out of London then he'll be able to support his family more. Can't believe this is for really. One family is saving people's lives isn't that enrichment enough?

cheddercherry · 09/10/2023 20:28

So in our family my eldest sibling is a multimillionaire, self made through similar circumstances of moving to London and being in city finances then investing etc etc, middle child is a farmer, I run my own business in order to have as much flex around my DS. Middle child gets childcare from various relatives (I’ve no issue with him using family as he has wild hours and I can have mine at home with me) and eldest sibling has no kids.

We’re all “successful” in what we set out to do, and recognise that there’s highs and lows to each case. Millionaire sibling works mad hours and has high stress although has lifestyle, cars, holidays etc. I don’t envy how they work and wouldn’t swap it for a life without my DS although I admire their drive. Middle sibling is much the same view, isn’t academic and always wanted a manual outdoor job, enjoys simple things. When we’re all together you’d never know the difference in lifestyles we have, parents never show any preferences etc.

I think if one sibling in your case is saying there’s a difference in how the grandkids are seen then that’s a valid issue. But the sibling moaning about less money really has to get a grip, the grass isn’t always greener and in life there’s always people with more. Parents should be ideally minimising the gap the kids seen between each other whether that’s encouraging more time as a wider family or perhaps just having open communication about what resentments are there? Getting it out in the open with some honest home truths might make each sibling see that they’ve each got their own problems and advantages and it doesn’t have to be competitive.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 09/10/2023 20:33

I am child A - and it never occurred to me:

  1. to demand anything from my parents, to compare myself to my sister in any way
  2. to not include the whole extended family in vacations- if I take my parents, I take my sisters family too, as well as we do budget holiday to ensure everyone can pay for it

I shower my nieces and nephews with (parents approved) expensive gifts and I know that it’s well received

Cupcakekiller · 09/10/2023 20:36

I genuinely just want my children to be healthy and happy in life. It's important to me they have a good work ethic and aren't lazy but I genuinely could not care less what job they do. I want them to also be kind and considerate people.

celticprincess · 09/10/2023 20:40

I’m the poorer child in our family. Academically we both did the same but for me it was a huge effort and a lot of work and for my sibling they did nothing. We both went to uni and got decent jobs. I got married first. Sibling then moved to the other side of the world and married someone extremely wealthy. They don’t need to work but do so as not to get bored. We both have children. I’m now a divorced single parent working part time and claiming top up benefits. Parents help me out often but also feel they need to be equal with the other sibling so do try to be. I am helped with childcare but sibling isn’t due to living at the other side of the world. Parents pay to take me on holiday sometimes and has also paid for holiday for us all when sibling has come to visit.

Don't think anyone feels sorry for me being the poorer child. But i do sometimes have to remind sibling of my income when they want to go halves on presents for the parents and by budget is £25 and theirs is £200 and they suggest I contribute my amount and they add the rest and still say it’s from us equally. It tends to be me that feels bad and had to put a stop to this. I go through phases of feeling sorry for myself.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 09/10/2023 20:42

Feeling sorry for everyone in this family- why have the siblings been brought up to be so focused on income and status? It sounds rather loveless tbh.
if they are envious and resentful then no one has been successful imo.
i believe parents and Grandparents should treat their children equally, especially something like childcare.

Lavenderflower · 09/10/2023 20:45

I would say they are both successful.

Chubby81 · 09/10/2023 20:45

Woah - I’m an NHS doctor married to another NHS doctor. My job is tough but I love it and feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. I don’t consider those who earn megabucks through working in private industry to be more successful than me - that’s not a life I would have chosen. I’d be pretty hurt if my parents felt like you do.