To wonder how parents deal with once child being more successful than the other?

[User5512]

Is it hard to not feel sorry for the “poorer” child?

DC A : Got lucky with their first job at a start up, successful exit after 5 yrs. invested wisely and is now a multi millionaire. Great lifestyle, flexible pay, very high paying jobs (C level) etc

DC B: NHS consultant, stressful job, relatively lower pay, very little flexibility. Married to another NHS doctor.

Parents support DC B a lot (childcare mostly) and DC-A gets quite annoyed as they don’t get as much support. They can afford to pay, but you can’t buy grandparents.

DC-B feels left out when DC-A takes parents on exotic holidays with their family, gives them expensive gifts (cars and watches etc)

Parents feel stuck in the middle !

@nocantdo Could be, but they need to get over it unless they want to continue feeling negative about each other. People take different paths in life and neither sibling sounds as if they’re truly struggling, they just have different lives.

Envy is the thief of joy and all that.

Why do you go and stay with dcB every holidyas to do childcare? Can’t they manage some leave /holiday programs? If their dc are little they must have deliberately put them in term time oniy holiday programs and if their kids are school age there are lots of holiday programs. I’d offer dcA two one week visits a year if they were interested and dcB can work it out, they are parents. If I were dcA I’d be resentful too.

we are probably a dcB type couple although not drs, because we work full time with young dc we have childcare and a nanny a couple of days a week, in my experience working parents need emergency childcare no matter how wealthy they are. If it’s childcare the children catch something and can’t go for days, if it’s a nanny she calls in sick/takes leave. Pil prioritise sils children first, over everyone. I’ve been fine with sil being prioritised over everyone but my children being second class grandchildren gives me the rage. Sil doesn’t work so also there is zero awareness of how stuffed Dh and I are when childcare falls through compared to her. We are lucky to have my parents.

I have adult children and it's both. Relationally though, they are all equal and get equal from me.

OFGS. I hope they don't read this.

Would you want your child to read your username. (Gentle ribbing :-).

Just goes to prove you can't buy happiness. Both 'children' should practise gratitude

This thread is ridiculous.

This doesn't sound like money/success related but is masking it. You said parents spend all school holiday with child B unless they are on holiday. So child A children are only worth seeing/visiting when the other grandchildren are not around. That would cause resentment too. We have a similar scenario in we manage fine with childcare and pay for what we need too but we want the grandparents to WANT to spend time with our child. But they only visit us when the other set of grandchildren are not "needing" any help. The parents need to be making it more fair to spending time with both families.

Sorry I don’t quite understand your point.

Anyway, our band six charge nurses are the backbone of the ward. Criminally underpaid and under-appreciated by management though.

Bothe are successful, both can afford childcare . Grandparents should support both families as much as they feel capable. Children should stop comparing

They are both successful!

Anyway, focus on their strengths, make your time with them enjoyable. Remind yourself that love has nothing to do with success. Value and support them.

It could be that these siblings don’t get on for entirely unrelated reasons and it just looks like sniping and jealousy about wealth to the OP because that’s the only factor that she, as a cousin, is aware of.

I don’t care that my brother earns a lot more than I do. I do care that he forgets my kids’ birthdays, never asks how any of us are, and rejects any attempt I make to meet up with him.

Any number of other causes
of resentment could be going on here that OP doesn’t know about, and any of them will
exacerbate any slight tensions about disparity in wealth and status that a more robust relationship could withstand.

It sounds like this to me too.

I think this whole question hinges on whether DC A is envious that DC B gets free childcare and they have to pay for it, or DC A is upset that their parents spend more time with DC B’s children than theirs.

DCB is not poor. If both partners are consultants then they bring in a damn good wage according to the stats in the UK. The millionaire child is an outlier. As a parent I wouldn't feel sorry for either. DCb chooses to live in London where their salary will not go as far. As consultants they can move. DCa will spend according to their income and so yes expensive holidays or gifts (compared to the average joe) but within their wage brackets isn't really a surprise.

As a parent I wouldn't be giving up so much of my time to help either kid with childcare tbh but by then I will have done my parenting. I'd offer to have each set of kids in the holidays at my home for a week but would expect their parents to drop them off and come and pick them up again. I make a lot of sacrifices for my kids as they are my children but once they are earning and grown with partners then taking care of their own families both financial and physically won't be my priority.

But although OP talks about one child being wealthier/more successful than the other, there’s no evidence at all that the parents in this situation (OP’s aunt and uncle) are making this judgement at all.

The only mistake the parents are making is offering one child (the “less successful” one) more in the way of childcare (and this could be because that child has a less flexible job). Nothing at all suggests that they relate to them differently or think of them as “less” than the other sibling.

Is this for real? A and B are both successful. Every family has one child more successful than others, that can't be changed.

I think my husband is maybe DC A in this scenario except it’s a comparison of his sister & husband having close to minimum wage jobs and struggling a bit and us having above average earnings and comfortably covering childcare.
His sister has a son of similar age to our 2 daughters. His parents spent loads of time/provided loads of childcare when kids were smaller (totally understandable as without it my SIL would likely have to give up work and we always made the effort to alternate week on week going to see them). DHs mum passed away in late 2019 and then obviously we had all the weirdness of covid. What we find now is that long-standing plans to meet up with us are cancelled with no notice to do things for SIL regularly. We haven’t actually seen FIL unless it’s a whole family event including SIL & family since MIL died. He has either declined or dropped out every time. Honestly if you are a grandparent in this kind of scenario please please spend time with both sets of grandchildren. It’s bloody awful having to reassure my primary age kids that they’ve not done something wrong to make grandad not want to see them.

Stop taking any notice of their whining. They are all adults, all educated, employed, housed and financially stable.

You've discharged your duties as a parent. They need to get over themselves and grow up.

I'm a single mum, no support at all, no parents, unhelpful ex, and I don't spend my time moaning. I just get on with it - and enjoy my life.😊

I would also think that it’s about the relationship with the grandchildren. Especially if one set have lots of funny stories about the things they did with Granny.

I would try to make sure there is no favoritism there.

To be fair. Isn’t it just about equal and fair not being the same things.

Neither adult child is struggling. Both well paid. Both had opportunities to further study etc. both chose their own path.

in regards to childcare. One needs more help than the other. One set of grandkids gets the parents on holiday so so lots of time with the other grandkids. Unless the child care is meaning the parents never see the other set of grand parents I don’t see the issue.

But I don’t thinks adult child B really needs constant childcare help. 2 very good wages going into the house, 2 holidays a year etc. They can afford it. They choose to spend their money elsewhere. So it’s choice:

Maybe both adult kids need to be told it’s a really difficult situation for the parents and they both should stop looking at what the other has and being jealous.

I don’t understand ex b being jealous that their parents get nice holidays and gifts from the other child.

So not on millionaire scale at all but I am
Child a

I have dc as does child b

I have never ever had the support financially or practically that child b has had and child b has always been treated like life's victim although they eat out and blow money more than me i choose to invest/save or put it into my home/children.

I'm used to the situation and although the parents will no doubt be viewing it as poor child b believe me it isn't always that way

I have financially helped child
B many many times to then see them out flaunting nice food and shopping after parent has asked on their behalf for help

In the last 6 months I have also inadvertently been the child that's arranged and gifted very well
To parents for anniversary's and birthdays etc whilst child b hasn't even bothered as they know I will sort it.

One of my parents is very strict with the whole fairness thing but the other just doesn't tell them the extent of financial
Or physical
Help which is hurtful

I've now stepped back after child b wrote some in appropriate statuses online regarding people with money having a better life than them (clearly aimed at me after I said no to buying small furry animals for their dc) and the unknowing parent has been filled in on exactly how much support I've given.

Not heard from child b now for weeks and messages going unanswered so the toxic mess is not mine.

Tell the parents to be careful
That they aren't helping to create the victim mentality in child b. It's a real thing

I am also the least successful as a now retired teacher with 6DC my sister was a Consultant paediatrician married to a stockbroker my brother a solicitor..I have never felt anythjng but pride in their success even just typing that out then . They both worked extremely hard and deserved it .

It is impotant to define-
What you see as successful
How each child sees succesful.
There is no such thing as the poorer one'

Both children are successful, one happens to earn more money than the other.

The parents should treat them equally.

Exactly this!

My parents bent over backwards with childcare for my sibling, didn't do the same for me for similar reasons. It was never about "free" childcare to me but the relationship I hoped my children would have with their grandparents.

My parents never saw this, my children subsequently don't really have much of a relationship with them.

My eldest is almost 14 and has recently mentioned her grandparents having "favourites" - this is 100% her perception of the situation.