Why am I so bereft about my DD marriage ending?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

DD (early 30s) has just told her husband of just over a year that she no longer loves him and wants to end the marriage - no children.

They’ve been together for a total of 7 years and I’m actually very fond of him. She had a couple of wobbles. Was unsure about 3 years ago about the relationship and then nearly called off the wedding last year, but they talked things through and appeared to have resolved their issues. He’s always seemed very level headed and a great balance to her more spontaneous and driven personality.

They seemed so in love on the wedding day and I’ll never forget the way he looked at her when she walked to the altar. They had separate interests, she’s very gregarious and has a good long-standing friendship group, he’s quite happy playing on his computer or having drinks with his mates, but as far as I was aware, they were happy and seemed relaxed and comfortable together and things seemed to be working.

Last week, she told me that whilst she cared about him, she didn’t love him anymore and that they had been living separate lives for months. She said she’s made efforts to rekindle their relationship, but if they went out for a meal, out would come his phone. She tried to take him away on holiday but he spent the time there on his laptop playing online games or watching films. He wouldn’t even go for a walk and to just talk. He promised he would try, but admitted after work, he was quite happy not doing much and chilling, where she loves being busy, having a project or just chatting.

At the weekend, she told him she’d had enough and although he pleaded with her to give it another chance, she said she was just weary of trying and had reached the end of the line with him. He was absolutely distraught and took it really badly and says he can’t believe she’s wanting to end it - even questioning her sanity (she has had anxiety in the past) and said he couldn’t believe it, “after I helped you through your depression!” I understand this was said from a place of hurt and anger because he was actually very supportive at the time but it stung her.

She’s completely calm and rational. Has clearly thought this through and carefully planned her course of action and where she’s heading. Shes genuinely very sad she’s hurt him but says she feels relief at bringing things to an end, can’t stay with a man she doesn’t love and I actually think she’s very brave to have the courage to admit to her lack of feelings and I support her decision entirely.

However, I illogically feel so, so sad and I don’t know why? I get that they weren’t compatible but I keep thinking about his current pain, the fact that we won’t see him again, his lovely parents who we got on with so well and I feel so disloyal to my DD even thinking this. I admitted it to my DH and adult DS and they said they actually feel similar. Is this normal??!!

We've gone through this with 2 of ours. I've been really proud that they're able to say that something isn't right, but of course you then "mourn" the relationship you had with their partner. I've always welcomed them into the family from the word go, and loved them too.

But you do get past it - each time it's been entirely the right decision for my DD's and I'm so happy that they had the confidence to say that they needed better.

You may get ripped to shreds on here for saying this mind you.... I had my arse handed to me on a plate when I mentioned this before!!

I think it's normal that you feel sad to lose a family member you've grown fond of. I've known other people to feel sad when this has happened

Oh gosh yes so normal. You are fond of him and he's been in your life a long time and you also presumably had hopes for their future happiness that must now be put to one side.
I'm sorry, it must be hard, I know I would find it so (2 lovely son-in-laws).

It is a sad thing. I wonder if on some level you were happy she was all settled down and now you feel you have to worry about her again if she’s alone.

I am a second wife (not OW!) and my MIL is much closer to DH than she is to me, she never contacts me independently but often calls/texts ExW. You could still have a relationship with your SIL?

He's been a part of your life too over the past 7 years, it's not surprising that you feel sad about it, and of course for your DD it's natural to feel sad it didn't work out. I'd be extremely proud of her though, it sounds like she gave it a good go, worked to try and resolve things and recognised when it wasn't working any more. I'd say you've helped raise a brilliant woman who knows her worth and knows when to move on.

Fine to feel it, not fine to show it is any way and I wouldn't even mention it to anyone else, in case it ever gets back to your daughter.

It’s so so sad when something like this happens. Some years ago my son had a girlfriend who I loved. He ended the relationship quite abruptly and it was like having a little daughter ripped away from me. We open our hearts and homes to the partners chosen by our children so of course it’s painful but we can’t write a script for their lives. He wasn’t happy and I had to accept that. Anyway, I keep in touch with her and she’s happy and settled now x

That’s a good description - thank you.

Yes, it is almost like mourning. We welcomed him from the word go too and he very soon felt like another family member - he got on so well with DS too - so it’s almost like the loss of a relative.

I think DD was incredibly brave to have the courage to admit there was no point in carrying on if the love was gone, so she has definitely made the right decision, but it’s just so weird having this feeling of loss at the moment when it really shouldn’t be about my emotions at all!

Thank you - that’s actually a very good and healthy way to look at it. Really appreciated.

That’s my opinion too.

That’s a very good question and certainly made me think.

I has definitely happy because I thought she was settled and was a bit sideswiped when she announced last week this was her intention as I thought the previous issues had been resolved - but she’s happily lived alone before and I know she’ll cope.

I think it's totally reasonable to feel sad - how could you suddenly stop caring about him when he hasn't done anything to hurt your daughter, other than just being incompatible.

I think it would be reasonable to feel a bit cross too, that they didn't sort out their issues before getting married. Not a feeling to share with your daughter, but not crazy to feel it.

Awwww OP, it would be more odd if after several years knowing him you didn't have a sad reaction. He's not a bad one, he's just not the right one.

I just think you're a good person, who loves hard and now you're losing someone you love.

I think it's entirely normal, nothing wrong with you at all.

I still miss an uncle that my Auntie divorced 30yrs ago! I was around 10yrs old! Similar sort of reasons to your DD but he was a lovely man and the whole family still think very fondly of him. Even my Auntie will chat about him now and tell anecdotes. He's very much a part of our families history.

I think it's a really nice thing you feel that way in that it suggest you opened your heart to him and adopted him into the family in a genuine way that not everyone does. It's obviously sad but like I said, I'd see it as a positive reflection on you. And as a pp says it sounds like your daughter has managed the situation maturely, as have you, recognising her emotional needs rather than putting your own feelings first and trying to pressure her to stay with him. You are clearly an excellent parent and should be proud.

Don't do what my mum did when I was in your daughter's position. I broke up with my long term partner when I was 30. She loved him (we grew up together) and was very hostile about my decision, telling me I was making a huge mistake.

It was a very hard time for me and her reaction did not help. We didn't speak for a while. Sometimes you just have to keep your thoughts to yourself and support your child.

Oh goodness, that’s awful.
No, my priority is firstly and foremost my daughter’s happiness and well being and supporting her brave decision.
She herself has said if he was unpleasant or unkind, it would have been almost easier and that he’s not a bad person at all, just that they are so far apart in how they see their futures and where they were heading.

I often wonder how I would feel if my brother and SIL got divorced. She has become a very good friend to me it feels very sad to think that relationship probably lived and dies with her marriage to my brother.

My family, as it sounds you have done, open their arms up to people’s partners and include them in everything. Of course you are going to feel sad that that person is not around anymore.

Like all big changes, you will probably be feeling all sorts of things:

• sad that you probably won’t see your son in law anymore
• Worried for what will happen to your daughter in the future
• potentially annoyed if you paid for the wedding and it only lasted a year

all feelings valid!

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and to reassure me it’s all quite normal! You’ve raised some very valid points and really made me think.

The logical side of me keeps reminding myself that DD was absolutely right to end a loveless marriage and that because his family are such lovely people, they will no doubt give him lots of support and guidance and hopefully, in the future, he will see that DD did make the right decision for both of them - no matter how gut wrenching and raw it is at the moment. He’s not died, he’s just no longer part of our lives.

I suppose there’s always that parent’s fear that DD has made a decision she might regret further down the line, but I guess the warning signs were there a long time ago. She’s not bad mouthed him at all, just expressed calm resignation that they had different expectations from the relationship and judging by her plans for the future, she’s obviously spent a lot of time organising, preparing for and thinking this through, so not a knee jerk reaction to one argument.

Good for her I say. She's given him plenty warning shots and he hasnt changed.

She is so brave isn’t she. It’s a sad situation but I agree not to say anything to her - she’s your priority and maybe a very happy situation is coming her way. You sound absolutely lovely and you took him on like a son and feel marriage is for life so it’s totally normal.

I can understand you feeling sad and unsettled given how long he's been a part of your lives and just "there", but it seems to me that there are quite a few red flags about him evident from what you've written and imo things might have panned out very unhappily for your DD if she'd gone on to have children with him and become further committed. As you identify, it's her relationship and your first priority is to support her and not judge... but it sounds as if objectively she may have made a very wise decision getting out now.

I have the same situation but my 31 year old DS in the same boat as your Son in Law and has been broken up with.

Sadly deep down I never thought my DIL was right for him (sounds very stereotypical protective MIL I know). I tried hard to welcome her and we had a perfectly friendly relationship. She was highly opinionated and argumentative which didn't fit with my son's personality. They also did not agree only many important life decisions but he always went with her choices/views. I think both he and she will learn a lot about relationships and compatibility from this.

I am gutted for my son. He is similar to you describe- a bit quieter, needs time alone. I am sure he isn't always easy to be married to, but I am disappointed as his wife lived with him for 5 or so years before marriage so she very much knew who she was marrying.

What's tricky now is that it has come to light that my son's wife is seeing someone else- a good friend of them both. He doesn't know when it started. It's so hard to watch my son in such pain but I am proud of his strength. Finances are a nightmare and it has quickly gone from amicable intentions to frosty and arguments.

I can see it is probably long term for the best for both of them. She has every right to decide the relationship is not going to make her happy. But it is sad. As a mother, I feel protective and both nervous and excited for his future. I hope he moves onto a better situation in time.

I understand your feelings. I’d been with my ex husband for 24 years when he ended it and my mum was distraught too. Like you, she’d welcomed him into our family and loved him like a son.

What didn’t help, was her expressing her feelings to me. I understood them but it was hard dealing with her feelings when I was struggling myself. I wish she’d have talked to my dad or sister about it instead.

Nothing stopping you staying in touch with him, I still see my ex MIL and keep in touch with his family. He sees my mum.