To be devastated over their break-up

[Applie]

This could be a little long as I feel context and background are important so I don’t look over involved and deranged.
I have 5 children, I had my eldest at 18, he’s now 25, my other 4 are 15, 11, 7 and 4.
Last year my husband of 22 years and the father to all my children passed suddenly, we had just moved to London for his work 3 months before, hundreds of miles from any family. The kids were in school, didn’t want to move and life insurance covered the mortgage so I decided to stay in London with the kids.
One of the biggest supports was my eldest son’s girlfriend, they’d been together a little over a year at the time, already lived in London. My son moved into the family home to provide support and just be with us as he was devastated and his girlfriend became part of the family. She is a lawyer, incredibly intelligent and just helped with so many little things. Giving me company on Wednesday evenings, she helped the kids with homework; really got my 15 year old to focus. My 15 year old hated school; had no ambition. Now she wants to go to uni, has predicted 6/7/8s in her GCSEs next year and is focused. My daughter didn’t think it was cool to be studious until she met my son’s girlfriend and she really looked up to her. She also just took little things off my plate, nipping to the shop when we ran out of milk or helping on the weekends where all the younger kids seemed to have activities at different sides of the city; she’d come and take one to football or dance or a birthday party, my son would take one and I’d take one.
On Friday my son told me that they have broken up, it was mutual, they have different futures in mind (he wants to marry and settle and have kids soon, she feels like she wants to travel and have fun and maybe live abroad for a bit first). He’s devastated but agreed that ultimately they just aren’t in the same place anymore.
It was my nieces wedding yesterday and they decided they were both still going to go, he didn’t want her money on an outfit to be wasted and she didn’t want the couple to have paid for someone to go to their wedding who didn’t show. She spent most of the night with the kids. My son spent more with me and told me how he is heartbroken. Was a little bit away so we stayed in a hotel, she brought two of the kids back in her car to save the awkwardness of a 2 hour drive with the ex. Now she’s just come in and got her stuff from my son’s room and left. She’s told me to call her anytime and we will meet for a coffee soon. They’ve both said that hopefully in the future they can be friends but right now they need to focus on themselves.
Im now sat in the front room crying my eyes out!! My 15 year old has joked that you’d think it was me who has been broken up with and she’s not wrong!! I don’t know why I’m so upset.
Please knock some sense into me, am I being unreasonable to be this upset!! I think I’m more upset than my son right now !!

I've got 3 boys and we always get a bit upset when a long term relationship has ended, I think it's natural?

I wouldn't be crying in front of your other kids about it though.

That'll put pressure on them when they get into relationships themselves.

You're upset because your son's exgf sounds wonderful. She had also kindly supported you through a really difficult time in your life, helped get your DD working hard in school and you probably had hoped one day she would be your DiL. My son's gf is very much like your DS's ex and I love her to bits. I still think my son lucked out in she choosing to go out with him. I'd be really upset if they broke up because she's like a DD to me. Wait a week then arrange to meet up for coffee with her. Just don't discuss your DS, her ex.

I am so sorry for your loss, losing your husband like that is devastating and you will need to be very kind to yourself and give yourself time and space to heal.

This lovely girl came into all your lives as a saviour and she sounds generous and amazing.

However she is a young woman with her own life ahead of her and has probably made the right decision here.

Nobody can have do many people leaning on them without affecting their own mental health

So from an objective point of view she made the right decision

Can you try and be grateful for having had her in your life and how she helped you all did the last few months/year and feel that gratitude about what she has given (which is a lot)

I hope she, and you and your family are ok and ready to keep moving on to the next stage , one little step at a time

Sending lots of strength and hopeful posit vibes your way

Pull yourself together and be there for your son! He needs you to be in mum mode right now. Totally ridiculous for her to have gone to the wedding imo

You are still grieving for your husband, and this must feel like the last straw. Try to see the positives of it being an amicable split, for very sensible, mature reasons on both their behalves. This bodes well for your son's prospects of having a successful long-term relationship with an equally decent partner in the future

She sounds like a MILs dream DIL, so I think how you feel is completely natural. It sounds like she was a big part of your family and very much loved. I imagine it must feel a bit like when an adult Child leaves home as she has become a big part of your family, but in this case you know she unlikely to be a big part of your life in the future. Your sadness is justified. I think you should try and keep it from your son though, because the loss is his. You will end up making him feel worse if he knows how upset you feel.

So sorry OP

I understand perfectly what it feels like,. I never understood why I was like this with ED in the past and her relationships

Why ridiculous? She wanted to, he wanted her to, better than a wasted invite.

Blimey what a mean person you sound. Have you no empathy? This woman is only recently a widow and probably more vulnerable than most.

I understand completely. I think we become quite invested in our children’s partners. Especially the first ones. I remember my mum crying her eyes out when my sister finished with her first boyfriend. He had become part of the family.

Totally ridiculous for her to have gone to the wedding imo

If she hadn't gone, people would have been asking where she was. OP and her family would have had to lie - not advisable when there are young children who might let the truth slip out - or say they had split up, which isn't really news you want to be telling at a wedding, and would have drawn attention to DS that he probably didn't want.

Also hurts when they treat your dc badly.

I think for me it was because I went into my 40s and my own marriage seemed difficult and dull at the time and I became very invested itms.

It's like seasons in life and these things pass

I'm not meaning to sound unsympathetic but her son's breakup isn't about her. It sounds like the girlfriend got far too intertwined with the family life and yes I'm sure she was a great support and lovely but I think OP has got overly attached. I appreciate OP is widowed and for that she has my every sympathy. She asked if she was being unreasonable and yes I think she is.

I could have written your post op. My 26yr old dd broke up with her fiancé earlier this year and I still feel sad about it. They wanted different things and he has already met someone else and is due to be a dad next year. He was kind, well mannered and I felt had a calming influence on my dd (who can be a bit volatile) but she was very unhappy towards the end of their relationship. I wish things had worked out, but I also accept that she wasn’t happy and it would not have been fair to either of them to carry things on.
I am trying to just be there for dd, to listen when she wants to talk and not to make judgements on any new partners she may bring into her life and I wish the former fiancée all the very best. However, I do feel sad about what might have been.

Fair point just seems cruel to her to have gone tbh. Hopefully she stayed out of all the photos.

This might just be 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. You've been through so much, and you have a lot on your plate. Go easy on yourself, YANBU.

Forget DS for a moment.

You moved house and home across country then your husband died suddenly. In comes this woman who is company, who helps you, who gets on with the kids, who pops to the shops and shares a glass of wine with you and helps tidy up. Now she's announced she's leaving and there's nothing you can do to stop her.
Forget the lack of romantic or sexual feelings. It's still a break up of sorts on top of the grief for your husband.

Just try and be kind to yourself but try and move this grief away from your kids and process it somewhere safer. They'll also feel the loss

Oh gosh, your hurt comes through in your post. I am so sorry for your loss.

She sounds like an amazing person and she slipped into the DIL role perhaps more quickly than she would have otherwise after your husband died. You had a relationship with her independent of your son, so it’s natural to grieve. She also presumably made your son really happy!

Are you having any therapy?

My boyfriend is very supportive and we’re involved in each other’s family lives. I think our parents would be sad for us if we split up.

I’d be the same OP. We let these people into our lives and love them like our own. If my son was heartbroken then I’d take all that on and be devastated myself. When my oldest son split from a gf of 4 years it felt like a little daughter had been ripped away from me. He made the right decision but it didn’t seem like that to me at the time. I missed her for years and we are still in touch even tho she is happily settled now. As the saying goes: we are only as happy as our unhappiest child. All will come right in the end. It has for us now x

Gosh, I can appreciate that this is really hard for you. However, I don’t think you should meet her for a coffee just yet, as you need to break up with her too and let some time pass.

As a previous poster said, you need to be there for your son at the moment. It’s his first love and he didn’t instigate the break-up so with the recent loss of his dad, it’s going to be very hard on him without feeling responsible for your feelings too and feel like he’s letting you down. Can you try other avenues for support so that you can be strong for him? I appreciate this must be very tough on you after everything you’ve been through.

My DH was widowed when we met and I’m close to my DSC. When the oldest broke up with his girlfriend, I felt incredibly upset but hid it. They’d met as teens and she moved with him when he went to University, so were together for several years. I was even friends with her mum! Again, I think the split was fairly mutual as they started to enjoy different interests and want different things from life. I missed her company a lot in the early days too.

However, the tricky part is when they meet someone new. I love my new DIL (they’ve been married for over 10 years now) but she’s a very different personality type to his previous girlfriend. She’s very independent and career oriented and we don’t have the same sort of close relationship I had with his ex. She doesn’t have a close relationship with her mum either, so I try to be mindful of that and not be too intrusive. It’s his life, not mine and he needs to do what’s best for him.

I don't think you're unreasonable for being upset. It sounds like you were very attached to her and she was almost a part of your family.

When my dd1 told her dh to leave, I surprised myself by how upset and shocked I was. He was not perfect at all, but they had been together 11 years and we rubbed along nicely. He was always willing to help out where he could.

But looking back, they should not have married. My dd wanted a wedding not a marriage and it was doomed from the get go. She treated him so awfully I felt ashamed. But now I realise it was the best for both of them. She wanted to live a single life. He wanted a family life.

I just think you are at a low point op, unsurprisingly, and this has given you a shock and is a body blow. Your DS is upset and you have lost someone who you are fond of and who has been a kind support at a difficult time. I hope you are okay.

Same happened with us, although DS was 21 and gf was 18. We were devastated when they split up, I actually cried doing the first shopping trip after as I went to buy all the things she liked. She wanted to keep in touch, but in reality it wasn’t possible, as she went off to university. We’ve bumped into her a few times and it’s really nice to talk to her and hear how her life is, but we do miss her still after 5 years. DS has another gf, but it took him a while before he would commit to anyone, she is very nice.