High earner/low earner relationships

[CandleLight11]

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

Why aren't the living costs in proportion to your earnings?

It's not a real partnership.

You rent, no kids, not married - money is separate - fine. Different scenario if you decide to have kids. Or it should be. At the moment though, I do think he should pay more rent and bills given the big disparity in earnings, but your debt is yours. If you want more disposable income, work towards getting a higher paid job, don’t look to someone else to provide for you!

Have you tried to speak to your partner along the lines of what you are posting here? I know people who need to be told very directly if you want them to do something. So many times I think it's obvious but it isn't to them. You need to have a frank conversation.

Some type of apportionment is needed based on income but decisions need to be joint. Your decision to help a relative out needs a discussion. Perhaps your partner disagrees, perhaps they have a point but who knows until you have a discussion. Joint finances only work with trust and communication.

Yeah. I don’t believe him. With this salary I’d be expecting him to have his own property and certainly not be happy in a rented flat ( which at 1k per month can’t be amazing)

I don’t think he should pay your debt. But I do think you need some honesty here!!

It depends how serious you are. If you're still fairly casual, living apart etc then I think you'd manage your own finances. If you're living together then I'd think he'd pay the majority of the bills.
DH earns a lot more than me and pays for most things but I contribute a lot in non-financial wars DH works crazy hours and I do more or less everything at home.

Thanks for everyone’s perspectives, appreciate hearing all.

My only expenses aren’t just £750 for food and bills. That’s my contribution to our shared expenses (rent, food, bills). As does everyone, I also have personal expenses, car, petrol, toiletries, day-to-day living etc. And my debt repayments. I have very little disposable income and live within the boundaries of an overdraft.

In anticipation of people saying, well don’t have a car, get the bus etc. Yes I suppose I could do that. But it would be a little strange for my partner to be driving a brand new Mercedes whilst I wait for the 36 bus. Or for him to be shopping in Selfridges, whilst I buy George @ Asda. I by no means splurge, I just live very normally, shop in Superdrug, Zara (when I need something) etc.

How is that a 'happy relationship' where you struggle financially and he enjoys himself? Ridiculous, that's no relationship at all.

If you lived on your own do you think your bills/rent and food would be more than £750?

Do you go on holidays together and if so do you go halves?

This.

He sounds absolutely awful.

Do not waste any further time with him.

He is a time waster that does not love nor even really like you.

With such a disparity of income, many would help out a very close friend, I certainly did, as did my husband years ago.

Not to mind a partner that you are with years with.

He is a future faker and you are wasting precious years with him.

In anticipation of people saying, well don’t have a car, get the bus etc. Yes I suppose I could do that. But it would be a little strange for my partner to be driving a brand new Mercedes whilst I wait for the 36 bus.

I find this attitude really odd. Why would you make your decision on whether or not to own a car on the basis of whether your boyfriend drives a car? Surely you decide on the basis of a) do you need one and b) whether you can afford it.

My DH has a fancy electric bike and I have a basic normal bike - because he commutes by bike and I don't. I've never thought it was strange, it's based on what we each need.

If you could commute by bus why would you choose to run a car when you have debts? Seems mad to me.

Yes, we go on holidays and for nice meals, coffee dates, etc. He pays for all of this. It's the disparity in our individual lifestyles that is taking it's emotional toll on me. Hence me wondering what other people think.

I get the view of 'you're an adult, look after yourself'. But also... isn't the premise of a partnership to share a similar quality of life.

My husband earned 20 times what I did. When we moved in together we opened a joint account and he put X amount in plus paid all the household bills. Though I paid the deposit in the house from the sale of mine, after that he took care of everything, and the amount I earned was just for me. After we got married and had two kids I stopped working and he paid off my credit card too. Felt a bit weird at first. We also discussed any major purchases (like a TV). He wouldn't just go out and buy anything without doing that.

It’s always the person who has 1250 quid a month disposable income, eyeing up their partners money, who asks that, 🤣

That still doesn't make sense. Most people don't have a grand to spend on all of those things. Also I have no idea what additional personal expenses you have apart from car, petrol and toiletries. Any shared household items shouldn't be solely on you.

Superdrug and Zara aren't cheap places to shop either. The latter in particular is very expensive for crap quality if you pay full price.

The thing is though. if he thinks you're a bad spender or eyeing up his money. He should be telling you that or at least dumping you if he doesn't see a future with you.

You've studiously avoided the question of what he's actually said when you asked him for help which makes me think that you know what he thinks. it may even be justified. You just disagree or don't want to believe it. Happy to be told I'm wrong.

But also... isn't the premise of a partnership to share a similar quality of life

I world agree with this if you were married, had a DC together or perhaps if you had bought a joint property but you haven’t done any of those things.

He is paying the rent, date nights and holidays etc so that’s obviously all he wants to do financially to help you so it’s up to you to either improve your financial situation or to split up and live independently from him.

Are you better or worse off financially by living together? Could you afford half a flat, holidays your debt, meals out, coffees out together, helping your relative on 30k?

Not especially high??!
I would love to earn half that! And I work hard, full time, shift work.

So with the additional info drip feed , he is actually paying for quite a lot more than you:

The rent
Takeaways
Dates/meals out
Holidays

If you were married or had children, certainly I think he should contribute more/join finances but with the amount of disposable income you have, you are either really bad with money or are sending more than you can afford to your relative. You should be able to afford your personal expenses pretty comfortably and if you want nicer things to do something about it

Stealth boast

Thank you for posting this OP. Your situation is mine in reverse. My net income is just over £9k a month. My wonderful partners is a lot lot less.

We both own our own properties, and are talking about living together etc. We are much older ( retired )

I really dont know what to do about the bills split, but I certainly don’t want him to be struggling whilst I live the life of riley.

Food for thought. I cant offer advice, but I do feel your pain 💐 x

Completely agree with this.

With the additional info Op, if you were a man, likely you'd be called a cocklodger as to me that's what you sound like.

Thanks for commenting. Not sure why but it helps to hear someone in a similar scenario and the predicaments that come with it. Best wishes to you and your partner and I'm glad it's given food for thought.

We have a very uneven balance too - I've taken a pay cut to £85k, OH earns £27k. We both have debts, but they're under control (mine will be gone in a year, OH about 5 years).

The only thing we split absolutely evenly is the mortgage - mainly for historical reasons, but MIL was always rabbiting on about how I'd take the house and leave them homeless if we ever split, so I insisted that there could be no argument if the house was owned exactly 50/50 (in reality, I wouldn't even take 50% if we were to split, out of fairness, but after 23 years...we're not going to split anyway). For everything else...I pay about 70% of the bills, I pay for my car and half of OH's, and I always pay for at least 90% of the extras (treats, evenings out, decorating supplies, new furniture etc).

The fact is that we're enormously privileged to be in the position we're in (and we're probably not even "well off" by modern standards), but that's only based on the last four or five years; before that, we were living month-to-month and forever worrying about money. In truth, I probably pay a noticeable amount more than I should if we were doing it proportionally, but I don't really care about that - I'm more concerned with making absolutely sure that we never, ever have to argue or worry about money again.