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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will

1000 replies

Anon39 · 07/10/2023 10:22

I came back from taking our son to training and as I walked back in my husband asked me if I wanted a sausage sandwich I immediately said yes

started eating it and he said do you know what those sausage are? And I replied in the negative and he started to chuckle and said “do you like it?” So my hackles were up I stopped eating and asked for the package of sausage

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel I have no feelings if you do eat it and that’s not the point of my post)

I found the package and it was black pudding sausage I was so upset he knew I would never have willingly eaten black pudding. I feel so betrayed and I’ve ended up crying and he has basically told me to grow up and stop being so dramatic he can’t understand why I’m so upset

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

not to drip feed I am Autistic so I am aware I have issues around food

yes you’re being unreasonable and should have checked (after 20 years of marriage)
no - your partner deliberately betrayed your trust

OP posts:
Jackienory · 07/10/2023 12:06

roarrfeckingroar · 07/10/2023 10:30

I really don't get it and agree with your husband

Me too. Grow up.

WaltzingWaters · 07/10/2023 12:06

Complete dick move. I’m the same as you and very fussy on what meat I have. I’d be livid!

Mistressanne · 07/10/2023 12:07

Whichwhatnow · 07/10/2023 12:04

I don't think it's for anyone here to say how big of an issue this is to the OP, particularly given her food/sensory issues. I was once given some kind of turkey mince based tomato dish and told it was quorn when I was veggie (like OP's DH, the person giving it to me thought it was hilarious 🙄). I think everyone on here has agreed that giving meat products to vegans or vegetarians is wrong, but why does that not also apply to any secretive adding of food that the recipient has a real aversion to for any reason? Eg my DH has a massive aversion (almost phobia level) to peas and mushrooms. He's not fussy in any other way so why would I be so twattish as to add food that will literally make him retch and panic once he realises what he's put in his mouth?? That's not what a loving partner does!

I once made a Christmas cake for a couple and the groom was Muslim.
You'd be shocked at how many people said soak the fruit in alcohol they'll never know.
Obviously I didn't.

LakieLady · 07/10/2023 12:08

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 11:04

Betrayal, contempt, these are big words. We are talking about sausages

I think it is a huge breach of trust to lie to someone in order to get them to eat something that they find repellent. Then to laugh about it afterwards is downright nasty.

I'd be bloody livid if someone did that to me.

CorylusAgain · 07/10/2023 12:08

Marthachanged · 07/10/2023 12:01

So Not Taste, Not Allergy, Not a vegetarian (willing to eat sausages).
What then?

OP chooses not to eat blood sausage. End of.

A fact her husband knows but doesn't respect.

The strength of her feeling of disgust is not related to taste or vegetarian principles. It's related to her autism and revulsion over eating blood products.

Nanaof1 · 07/10/2023 12:09

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 07/10/2023 12:02

All of us who eat any meat/animal product are being hypocritical to eat one type of animal and not another, if you look at it in the simplest terms. We are conditioned however to feel different about eating different animals, and also some people develop their own aversions (for a whole host of reasons). I actually see no difference between eating a sausage or a sausage with black pudding in it, but OP does, and so her partner needs to respect that (even if he doesn't understand it).

Show quote history

Nice deflecting of the question. So, you are fine if someone secretly serves you Rocky Mountain Oysters, Rin Tin Tin Ratatouille? That was the question.

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 07/10/2023 12:10

When we were on Madrid, one year. My ex did this to me. He didn't tell me the meat in the spag bol was venison. He said I'd never have eaten it if he had told me and we were hungry. I now look back and agree this is abuse. It sounds over dramatic but it really is mentally abusive.

Dentistlakes · 07/10/2023 12:10

What an awful thing to do. You are right to be extremely upset.

Theprincessisblanketed · 07/10/2023 12:11

Yikes101 · 07/10/2023 11:01

So many threads on here about hiding vegetables in their children’s meals, which is exactly the same thing imo.

I'm stunned there more than one person in this thread with this deranged opinion.

There are a myriad of ways I treat my young child (not allowing her access to family money, not allowing her to drink, knowing where she is at all times, telling her when she has to go to bed etc) that would be abusive if I did to my partner. (I'm happy to make vegetables palatable to her by blending them in a bolognese etc, I would still be being a dick if I started crowing about how I'd tricked her into eating courgette or whatever.)

If you can't tell the difference between how you should treat a child who you are responsible for and an adult partner I hope you have neither.

An person treating their adult partner like a child is inherently abusive!

Treelesschristmas · 07/10/2023 12:14

Jackienory · 07/10/2023 12:06

Me too. Grow up.

Show quote history

Really? You can’t see how him knowingly feeding something by deception that the op has previously made clear she never wants to eat is a really nasty thing to do? How he has betrayed her trust, and essentially tried to “prove” he knows better. If my dp snuck some foie gras into my dinner I’d be losing my shit about it. The op has every right to be upset about what she ate, and more importantly, about the fact that her dp did this and then tried to minimise it. Maybe he just thought it was funny, I don’t know, but it’s clearly not funny if the op isn’t laughing. It’s nasty.

Hope you are ok op.

x2boys · 07/10/2023 12:16

Horrible thing to.do.but black.pudding is very distinctive looking and tasting and looks nothing like sausage .

Widower2014 · 07/10/2023 12:17

My MIL did this to me with my late wife's support and fed me vegan chicken nuggets. I'm still here, I still go to the in-laws and eat

I told my daughter that baby Brussel sprouts were mini cauliflower - my daughter now eats brussels...

Whilst yes he was a Richard head for doing it, you are still alive. Is this really something you want to stand and fight him on?? Get revenge, make him a steak pie with finest tinned dog food, he might feel a bit ruff after eating it but will teach him a lesson

Nanaof1 · 07/10/2023 12:18

Marthachanged · 07/10/2023 12:05

@Nanaof1 Bambi burgers

If someone has an aversion to venison, then yes. But the ones I mentioned are big more on the fringe.

You are one who mocked the poster. So, how mad would you be if you were served Roadkill Ravioli, Lassie Lasagna?

SwishSwishBisch · 07/10/2023 12:19

If it were a food you didn’t eat for ethical/dietary reasons, this would be much worse. As it is, he’s tricked you into eating something you don’t like.
I don’t really see this as any more of a “betrayal” than a parent tricking their child into eating veggies tbh.
That said, unlike a parent tricking their child where the motivation is nutrition, his motivation and consequent reaction were to upset you, which is 100% not ok.

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 12:20

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 11:02

You do know that this is not just the difference between different types of pork, don't you? I eat pork, I find black pudding fairly revolting - which may be illogical, but it's a perfectly valid response.

But other people won't necessarily see the difference hence why that poster said it isn't the same as given a vegetarian meat.

OP does see the difference, and her husband knows it.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/10/2023 12:22

Nanaof1 · 07/10/2023 12:03

So, if you are served a casserole and you like it, so then you are told it was Fido from down the street, you'd be okay with that, as long as you liked it? Black Beauty Burritos? Seabiscuit and gravy? Interesting....

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Personally I wouldn’t eat any dog but would be happy to eat horse, not sure what a seabiscuit is. But if I was happy to eat some parts of Fido, black beauty, seabiscuit etc then yes of course I would be happy to eat other parts in a casserole or burrito! Wouldn’t make a difference to me whether it was head, blood, fat, arse, hoof etc if it tasted good and it was an animal to which I didn’t have a moral/ ethical/ personal objection to eating.

The OP is happy to eat sausages which are made of dead pig so I don’t see why she wouldn’t be willing to eat black pudding which is made of dead pig, if it tastes good to her. I get not choosing to eat black pudding if she doesn’t like it, but in this case it doesn’t sound like she even noticed and like she was enjoying it before she knew - if her only objection to black pudding is she doesn’t like the taste of it, and actually it tasted good, then where’s the issue?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/10/2023 12:22

It's a cruel trick, I'd be furious.

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 12:22

ttcat37 · 07/10/2023 11:02

Depends why you don’t usually eat it. If it’s a religious/ moral reason then yes it’s dickish. But if it’s a case of you saying “I don’t like black pudding” without trying it then you’re being a massive baby

Those are not the only alternatives. OP may have tried it and decided she didn't like it. She may just hate the though of eating something that is basically blood and fat. Neither is in the least babyish.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:23

If you can't tell the difference between how you should treat a child who you are responsible for and an adult partner I hope you have neither.

An person treating their adult partner like a child is inherently abusive!

Does no one have any well meaning aunts who hide vegetables in their DHs food, replace high fat & high sugar with lower options etc out of concern for their health? Maybe it's because we aren't English 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hermittrismegistus · 07/10/2023 12:23

If it were a food you didn’t eat for ethical/dietary reasons, this would be much worse. As it is, he’s tricked you into eating something you don’t like

When people have food issues and you trick them into eating something they don't wish when they believe it's a safe food, then you run the real risk of that person no longer being able to eat that safe food again.

Nanaof1 · 07/10/2023 12:24

roarrfeckingroar · 07/10/2023 10:35

Ah. Big drip feed.

Reading comprehension failure here.

It's right in the original post. I just love how some posters, so anxious to get their nasty on, don't bother to read the whole post before diving in..
These are obviously not the brightest bulbs in the nightlight 👀

Redmat · 07/10/2023 12:24

People may not like the idea of black pudding but suggesting that others wouldn't like it if they were served dog ,rat ,cat etc is just stupid. The ops husband gave her something that is sold in UK shops every day. Not comparable to serving up dog. She liked it she's not allergic to it. He is obviously not a deep thinker ,thought it was a fun ,joke thing to do.
I doubt very much he's an abuser ,he's an idiot who did something thoughtless . Tell him how upset you are. Move on.

Marthachanged · 07/10/2023 12:25

@Nanaof1 , I didn't mean to mock, I was making the point that what her OH did was unkind but she was magnifying the problem. Some here are the
I must find a thread to get into a range about! group.
They do not help the op take a mature and balanced view of the situation.
I have finished my coffee, it is sunny and I'm going outside. Enjoy your day everyone.

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 12:25

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 11:03

He didn't do this, he hot angry at her for a normal response at being betrayed and told her to grow up.

because she was crying...

She's autistic. This sort of thing, combined with the breach of trust involved, can be incredibly upsetting to an autistic person. He was telling her to grow out of being autistic, which is just a dickhead thing to say.

Nanaof1 · 07/10/2023 12:27

pikkumyy77 · 07/10/2023 10:41

This may be the stupidest thing I will ever read. Give yourself a good shake.

Show quote history

Though you are correct at this point,
you do know that you have now challenged some MN posters to exceed that post? 😉

Oh wait, some already have! Color me shocked!

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