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Original poster

Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will

1000 replies

Anon39 · 07/10/2023 10:22

I came back from taking our son to training and as I walked back in my husband asked me if I wanted a sausage sandwich I immediately said yes

started eating it and he said do you know what those sausage are? And I replied in the negative and he started to chuckle and said “do you like it?” So my hackles were up I stopped eating and asked for the package of sausage

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel I have no feelings if you do eat it and that’s not the point of my post)

I found the package and it was black pudding sausage I was so upset he knew I would never have willingly eaten black pudding. I feel so betrayed and I’ve ended up crying and he has basically told me to grow up and stop being so dramatic he can’t understand why I’m so upset

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

not to drip feed I am Autistic so I am aware I have issues around food

yes you’re being unreasonable and should have checked (after 20 years of marriage)
no - your partner deliberately betrayed your trust

OP posts:
panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:28

Horrible thing to.do.but black.pudding is very distinctive looking and tasting and looks nothing like sausage .

I think the OP was given something like this which is why the comparisons of dog to chicken are pointless

Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will
Beefstew · 07/10/2023 12:28

I did almost exactly the same as OPs husband with my teen autistic sons. I cooked breaded fish and chips for dinner last night and told them it was chicken and chips because they don't like/ want fish. One ate it all without comment, the other ate half before realising it was fish. He accused be of tricking him and I said I had but it was a new food and he should be proud of himself. OPs husband gave her sausage that was black pudding and i gave my sons chicken that was fish so I guess that make me a dickhead, betrayed my sons, and an unfit mother.
It is exhausting living in a home with one or more autistic people , constantly accommodating their needs, a lot of the time impacting on your needs, cut him a little slack. I suspect your ASC is causing you to overreact in this situation.

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 12:29

CurlewKate · 07/10/2023 11:15

He's a dickhead, of course. Not quite as bad as the double dickheads who try to trick vegetarians. But if you eat meat and you liked it, why won't you eat black pudding?

Do you eat every single type of foodstuff that exists, including every type of meat? If so, you would be highly unusual.

People have different food likes and dislikes. I don't understand why this is even a question.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:29

@Passepartoute I was simply stating a fact that the husband was saying grow up in response to crying.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:30

@Beefstew I guess they need to seek some form of emancipation!

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 12:32

Guesswho88 · 07/10/2023 11:25

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. Yes it was annoying but I get the feeling that your husband just wanted you to try it and was being a bit cheeky in the hope that you would like the taste and he could be like I told you so.

So how does that explain his dismissing her distress and telling her to grow up when he knows she is autistic?

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:32

They do not help the op take a mature and balanced view of the situation.

There's no nuance

I doubt very much he's an abuser ,he's an idiot who did something thoughtless . Tell him how upset you are. Move on.

Exactly

Nanaof1 · 07/10/2023 12:32

DappledThings · 07/10/2023 10:42

This. Someone said it was comparable to tricking a vegan into eating meat. It isn't remotely comparable. Nor is it like tricking someone into drinking proper coffee when they wanted decaff or anything.

Show quote history

I knew someone would rise to the challenge a PP put out there.

So, giving someone coffee with caffeine is a no-no but give them food they abhor is okay.

SSsssuuuuurrrreeeeeee...said no decent person ever. 🙄

Mmhmmn · 07/10/2023 12:33

It's just a horrible sort of bullying thing to do.

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 12:33

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 11:34

What a stupid comment. The majority of people don't have the same issues with food that the OP has, so of course they wouldn't cry in this exact situation. They might well cry at a situation that hurt them the way this hurts the OP.

And they might not cry which was my point..

And they might not be autistic. Incredibly crass comment.

MeriCatfished · 07/10/2023 12:34

DysonSpheres · 07/10/2023 11:34

Think of it this way.

If I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and I request only decaffeinated coffee and you deliberately ignore my request and trick me by giving me caffeinated and I end up with painful stomach cramps and rushing to the loo all day, that would be an awful thing for you to do.

The OP has a medical condition. She has Autism. Certain foods are massively anxiety producing. It is triggering a physical response, albeit mentally.

Do you get it now?

Show quote history

OP has a neurodevelopmental condition- Autism. It's not a medical condition in the way you seem to imply like an allergy would be.

Which means she has certain foodi preferences due to textures or opinions or anxietes (caused by beliefs and opinions) around certain foods. Not that her body will respond to certain foods or make her unwell like an allergy or a medical condition.

It's important to differentiate.

Which her DP seemed to be being an absolute dick in the way he went about it, was trying to evidence.

That it is not the food that causes the problem but the ideas and beliefs about the food.

Which is the absolute basis of any 'food refusal' theory or therapy.

It's not any food is that inherently bad, but beliefs, opinions and reactions to it that cause problems.

OPs Autism is just a red herring here as black pudding is something many people feel grossed out about who don't have ASC or sensory processing difficulties.

Her DP absolutely should not have tricked her but it's not at all the same as saying someone with a physical intolerance, allergy and therefore a 'medical condition ' related to food that would make them physically unwell is the same as OP and in that case hyperbole about being 'spiked' or 'being poisoned' is not relevant.

It's shitty of course, as I've said.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/10/2023 12:35

Anyone defending the husband needs to give their head a wobble.

It's about consent.

The husband knew he didn't have her consent and did it anyway. It doesn't matter what the food is ffs.

Nanaof1 · 07/10/2023 12:35

Simonjt · 07/10/2023 10:46

Not really, if OP is eating sausages, we already know OP is more than happy to eat pig.

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And some people do not wish to eat pig intestine, pig stomach, pig snout, tongue, eyes or testicles. Ditto for beef, lamb, fish and everything else.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:36

So, giving someone coffee with caffeine is a no-no but give them food they abhor is okay.

The poster was making the point that caffeine can have medical implications, eating something you dislike isn't quite the same.
I dislike beetroot & would rather not be given it in disguise however it's not the same as me giving caffeine to my friend on thyroid meds.

therealcookiemonster · 07/10/2023 12:36

oh my gosh. the drama! People calling the husband abusive? fair enough it's not something I would ever do, certainly not to someone with food aversions due to neurodivergence. but it's not the end of the world! although his reactions when OP was upset was a bit mean, I am assuming he was embarrassed.

as someone who loves introducing people to new food (always willingly) or helping people get over their food dislikes - maybe he thought if she just tried it, she would like it? and was mortified by how upset she was?

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:38

And they might not be autistic. Incredibly crass comment.

Again in reply to a comment that it's normal to cry regardless if you are autistic or not. Christ some of the comprehension on this thread!

CurlewKate · 07/10/2023 12:38

@Passepartoute "
Do you eat every single type of foodstuff that exists, including every type of meat? If so, you would be highly unusual.

People have different food likes and dislikes. I don't understand why this is even a question."

No, of course I don't. However, for a meat eater to have had such a very extreme reaction to a meat product suggested to me that @Anon39 misunderstood the nature of black pudding-maybe thinking it was something like fois gras. And knowing it isn't might have made her feel better at least about that.

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 12:38

DappledThings · 07/10/2023 11:45

Not really. OP seems angry about it sure. Still not the same as a possible physical reaction to having caffeine or alcohol.

Show quote history

She feels betrayed and distressed. She will have an ongoing lack of trust in her husband, the person she is supposed to be able to trust above everyone. Please don't diminish the importance of mental distress.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/10/2023 12:39

roarrfeckingroar · 07/10/2023 10:30

I really don't get it and agree with your husband

You don’t ‘get’ what exactly ? That he abused her trust and deliberately fed her something he knew she has issues with ?

Nonplusultra · 07/10/2023 12:39

I get it @Anon39
I hope your dh is able to understand this and apologise and regain your trust. Some people get defensive in the moment and take a while to process that they’re in the wrong.

I struggle with eating at times - something like ARFID but not quite that (ND eating isn’t well understood) and an event like this could trip me into an episode. Trust around good is huge.

This isn’t a small thing. It might be for some people. But if it isn’t for you, that’s not about dramatics. It’s about autism and your very real needs.

Winnading · 07/10/2023 12:41

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 10:58

@theduchessofspork and? the op hasn't said it happens often

I personally dont have these kind of issues around food, still I have my issues like pretty much everyone. I would be very upset and very angry if a partner of 20 years decided to shove my issue in my face and then mock me, laugh at me and tell ME to grow up.
It would be serious talk time if it happened once, it would be ltb time if it happened again.

The OPs partner has no respect for her, potentially never did.
I'm so sorry OP, I cant imagine myself doing such a thing to anyone, its basic bloody manners to at least try to not terribly upset your long term partner.
If it had been an accident I'd have let it slide, but this clearly was no accident.
I'd never eat anything else he cooked.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:41

And some people do not wish to eat pig intestine, pig stomach, pig snout, tongue, eyes or testicles.

Sausage casing is made from intestines aren't they?

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:42

I'd never eat anything else he cooked.

He could be an amazing cook!

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 12:44

SwishSwishBisch · 07/10/2023 12:19

If it were a food you didn’t eat for ethical/dietary reasons, this would be much worse. As it is, he’s tricked you into eating something you don’t like.
I don’t really see this as any more of a “betrayal” than a parent tricking their child into eating veggies tbh.
That said, unlike a parent tricking their child where the motivation is nutrition, his motivation and consequent reaction were to upset you, which is 100% not ok.

You need to educate yourself about autism.

CorylusAgain · 07/10/2023 12:45

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 12:38

And they might not be autistic. Incredibly crass comment.

Again in reply to a comment that it's normal to cry regardless if you are autistic or not. Christ some of the comprehension on this thread!

How can you say its not normal to cry if your trust in your dh has been betrayed? Perfectly normal. Not compulsory nor guaranteed, but feeling betrayed and losing trust frequently causes people to cry.

It would appear you are refusing to acknowledge the strength of the betrayal the OP feels because you can not understand it.

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