Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will

[Anon39]

I came back from taking our son to training and as I walked back in my husband asked me if I wanted a sausage sandwich I immediately said yes

started eating it and he said do you know what those sausage are? And I replied in the negative and he started to chuckle and said “do you like it?” So my hackles were up I stopped eating and asked for the package of sausage

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel I have no feelings if you do eat it and that’s not the point of my post)

I found the package and it was black pudding sausage I was so upset he knew I would never have willingly eaten black pudding. I feel so betrayed and I’ve ended up crying and he has basically told me to grow up and stop being so dramatic he can’t understand why I’m so upset

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

not to drip feed I am Autistic so I am aware I have issues around food

yes you’re being unreasonable and should have checked (after 20 years of marriage)
no - your partner deliberately betrayed your trust

🙄

🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

Clearly some people are averse to any sort of nuance.

The cake incident is just an example of taking it to the extreme and seeing how the mechanics of ‘choice’ work.

Those people who say what OP’s partner did was definitely abuse, is it also abuse to serve ‘edge’ cake as ‘middle’ cake? If not, why not?

Because there is zero difference between her refusing to try it and a child refusing to try it. Her refusal to try it was childish and her petulant reaction even more so. He fed her something she’d never tried, for no reason that she’s stated. He didn’t give her arsenic. It was a SAUSAGE

Don’t lie and deceive people you say you love. How is that for a principle? Don’t put your judgment above theirs in matters where they have made their wishes clear and it is about their autonomy ?

The Op has settled on understanding this as a matter of free choice/choice denied but this seriously understates the issue, perhaps because Op has a hard time being surrounded by argumentative jerks contemptuously logic chopping until she is confused.

Don’t treat adults as children—they are not in a tutelary or subordinate position. Don’t decide you know better than they do about what they want to ingest. Don’t try to trick, or humiliate, or show people up.

How hard is this?

Who is this to?

In case it’s me, I’ve already said I think OP’s husband behaved badly. I don’t think I’m likely to be confusing OP? I’m just trying to get to the bottom of how wrong his behaviour was, I guess, because I don’t see every incident as a black and white ‘abuse/not abuse’ binary. But some are adamant it’s very clear abuse.

No one has answered me (at last checking) regarding the cake question - perhaps you could?

Was about to post the exact same thing.

Sorry, by exact same thing I mean what startingagain said.

Dear @AmIthatweird

It was such a stupid analogy that it doesn’t deserve a response. Sorry to be blunt.

Analogies are always imperfect, of course, but this one was more awkward snd forced than usual. It has nothing to do with the OP s situation. If you want to discuss this semantic and philosophical issue why don’t you start your own thread?

Just because you are fixated on words like choice or preference and you don’t see the difference between pieces in the cake desc doesn’t mean the rest of us have to address this issue.

There are several differences.

Firstly. She is not a child petulantly refusing to try something offered to her by a parent - she is a consenting adult who knows her own mind. She did state a reason and it wasn’t that she didn’t like it. She said she would never eat it, so she clearly has her own reasons and as an adult, isn’t obliged to explain them to anyone.

Secondly. Her partner was aware that she didn’t want to eat this product and fed it to her anyway, disguised as something else. Then he mocked her distress at having eaten it. And this is the main difference. You might feed a child something they think they don’t like to broaden their palate, or hide vegetables in something so they eat them for health reasons. But you wouldn’t feed a child a bit of something you knew they had an aversion to just for giggles, then tell them what you’d done and belittle their distress.

And black pudding is not a sausage. It’s a blood product - which is probably why OP said she would never eat it. But then you know that. And if you can’t see that this is an issue about consent and respect for other peoples’ views rather than the foil itself, then I really don’t know what else to say.

I think you're entitled to be annoyed at him, but I don't think it's the end of the world, I do think you're being a bit dramatic.

Mine would do this - put rabbit in a casserole knowing i wouldnt eat it because i kept rabbits as a kid and it was just a line not to be crossed. It's the smugness that they have knowingly defiled your personal boundaries, they are so pleased with themselves. Huge red flag.

Also my mum did the black pudding thing with me, knew i didnt want it but did it anyway saying it was something else. Well it back fired because before i found out what it was i vomited it everywhere. Then i got the 'guess you dont like black pudding after all...' now instead of just seeing it and ignoring it, now i see it and remember projectile black vomit which makes me feel sick all over again.

Basically your husband is a massive f@cking arse and he knows it.

Hahaha i would (the toothbrush) 😉😉

Im the same when it comes to rabbits. When i was a teenager i went to bf sisters and walked in and their tea smelt fab, i said oooo something smells lovely what you cooking? She looked at me funny (she knew about the me and rabbits bit) and said would you like to stay for tea? So again i asked what it was as i walked in kitchen and seen a huge pot on cooker!! Then she told me was rabbit!! I turned around and walked out the house. Sorry doesnt matter how good it smelt i wouldnt eat it 😢

Another factor re food ‘choices’ is that evolution has programmed us to avoid food which has made us sick on a previous occasion. This is irrespective of whether that food actually caused the sickness. The reason, of course is to protect us from knowingly consuming toxic foodstuffs.
I loved courgettes and can still enjoy them raw but I was violently sick after consuming courgette soup and now my stomach heaves when I see cooked courgettes.
Thus the ‘ick’ factor re some foods that may appear illogical to others may have a sound basis.
Dinner lady forced me on several occasions to consume my own vomit when I threw up hated greens. It has taken me decades to be able to eat a few selected leafy green veg. DNA tests revealIam highly sensitive to bitter tastes and therefore programmed not to like some veg.
As adults it is your right to choose what we eat full stop and nobody is entitled to question that.
Comisserations OP

This. The poster @Rosscameasdoody was quoting also said that the OP’s refusal to try it was childish, when in fact she didn’t get the opportunity to refuse. Her partner hid it in another product so she wouldn’t suspect what it was until it was too late. Her reaction wasn’t petulant, it was disgust - both at what she’d unknowingly eaten, and at what he’d done. It’s just plain nasty and I don’t understand why so many people are dismissing the consent issue and are still trying to excuse his behaviour, especially since we now know that the OP has posted about his abusive behaviour.

Not sure why you’re being so snotty about it.

However, my analogy definitely has something to do with the topic even if (as I acknowledged) there are significant differences. If you can’t answer the question, just say so.

You seem to really hate thinking outside the box!

Very quick with insults… not so much with the actual logic/arguments!

Why does thinking upset some of you so much?

I’m not defending the OP’s partner; I’ve said what I think there.

I’m just exploring the whys and wherefores of our preferences and how we defend them. No one’s attacking you; you can stand down!

Honestly, it does seem as if some posters are furious if someone dares to question the orthodoxy that He Is An Abuser.

I attempted to answer it upthread - covered the religious angle too, but didn’t get an acknowledgement from @AmIthatweird. Evidently my explanation wasn’t up to standard !!