Page 25 | Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will

Anon39 · 2023-10-07T09:22:15+00:00

I came back from taking our son to training and as I walked back in my husband asked me if I wanted a sausage sandwich I immediately said yes started eating it and he said do you know what those sausage are? And I replied in the negative and he started to chuckle and said “do you like it?” So my hackles were up I stopped eating and asked for the package of sausage he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel I have no feelings if you do eat it and that’s not the point of my post) I found the package and it was black pudding sausage I was so upset he knew I would never have willingly eaten black pudding. I feel so betrayed and I’ve ended up crying and he has basically told me to grow up and stop being so dramatic he can’t understand why I’m so upset it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him not to drip feed I am Autistic so I am aware I have issues around food yes you’re being unreasonable and should have checked (after 20 years of marriage) no - your partner deliberately betrayed your trust

RudsyFarmer · 08/10/2023 11:22

I can remember being tricked into eating rabbit. I was furious then and still feel angry about it thirty years later!!!

jannier · 08/10/2023 11:55

PandaExpress · 07/10/2023 22:46

I personally feel that unless there is an allergy or its a none meat eater being given meat, then it's an over reaction. But, as I say I'm a chilled out person and my DH is chilled out. So there's nothing I can think of that would cause this kind of reaction.
Having said that, I've read the drip feed about this poster being in abusive relationship with this man. So her tolerance for this kind of thing is bound to be low, understandably.
In a normal, happy and healthy relationship, this would be a complete none issue.

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Chilled and autism rarely go together if you watch the 3 part series my autistic me it helps give some understanding of the challenges someone may face.

jannier · 08/10/2023 12:01

AmIthatweird · 08/10/2023 09:02

You know it’s a good thread when people start quoting the bible!

Seriously though, I am a bit perplexed by it all. It seems as if a few issues are being conflated.

Firstly, if he behaves unkindly, is mocking and crowing about the incident, clearly OP is not unreasonable to be upset.

But I can’t work out precisely what role the autism plays in this. Some people are pushing the idea of ‘abuse’ very vehemently and explaining about boundaries and trust. Fair enough. But surely that logic would apply to all people, so the autism is irrelevant?

And I do think we’d be having a very different conversation if it had been a different foodstuff, say broccoli, that had been introduced by stealth into someone’s diet. I think people are squeamish about black pudding- which is fine! But it’s an emotional response, not a particularly logical one from people who eat all manner of other meat products. Again, that’s fine - but the arguing is a bit disingenuous when people claim it’s only about boundaries and trust when really it’s also a bit about a sort of ick factor.

And then there’s the consent issue. I know it’s not the same, but it still reminds me of when my sixth form students wail that they “don’t consent” when they’re asked to do something they don’t want to do (like some work 😂). We do need to be careful that we don’t go a bit mad with this concept. What if your partner organises a surprise party and invites friends into your home without checking with you? Is that abuse? And I know people have been very clear to point out that the sneaking of food into kids’ diets is very different for the simple reason that they are children, it’s worth remembering that the concept of bodily consent is pushed (quite rightly) very firmly with children when it comes to kissing relatives etc - but food is deemed to be different 🤔

I’m not making a case here, just pointing out that it’s not necessarily as black and white as some posters insist. I do think there’s some virtue-signalling and some unnecessary drama going on.

Main issue, surely, is the nastiness from the OP’s husband, not what it says in Deuteronomy about blood products?

People with autism generally have much stronger reactions to things that upset them with much longer and deeper effects such as intense mistrust and extensions of existing anxieties anyone living with someone for 20 years would be well aware of the long term damage this will do and the added stress it causes it's not like tricking someone who gags and reacts this could well effect the op for years to come and the husband would know that....it implies a form of abuse

AmIthatweird · 08/10/2023 12:14

jannier · 08/10/2023 12:01

People with autism generally have much stronger reactions to things that upset them with much longer and deeper effects such as intense mistrust and extensions of existing anxieties anyone living with someone for 20 years would be well aware of the long term damage this will do and the added stress it causes it's not like tricking someone who gags and reacts this could well effect the op for years to come and the husband would know that....it implies a form of abuse

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But are you saying it would NOT be abuse if it were not for the autism? That’s what I’m not clear on and is something many posters seem hazy on.

AmIthatweird · 08/10/2023 12:17

NatashaDancing · 08/10/2023 11:18

If it's tertiary education students they consented by enrolling on the course. If it's primary or secondary education parents have consented on their behalf.

The religious aspects and autism are red herrings and completely irrelevant. I'm surprised that you are asking for confirmation that the principle should apply to everyone. Or saying it would be different if it were broccoli.

As for the surprise party analogy - I would hate it. My husband and friends know I would hate it. If it were to happen I don't see any reason why I should grin and bear it.

I’m surprised that you’re asking for confirmation that the principle should apply to everyone

Why are you surprised? That’s exactly what many posters have implied. If it is categorically and universally abuse, why are some posters bringing in autism as a factor?

As for your final point, I don’t see any reason why you should grin and bear it either. But are you saying that’s abuse too?

AutumnCrow · 08/10/2023 12:29

If my partner did something to me that he knew I didn't want and that would upset me when I found out, I'd find it pretty abusive, yes, if he took a conscious decision to do it.

And that applies whether it was immediately obvious or the subject of some surreptitious planning and a subsequent chuckle-based reveal.

It's the principle of the thing. Don't be a dick.

Greenpolkadot · 08/10/2023 12:35

Don't blame OP. Id feel the same about cod.

I like black pudding tho..

AmIthatweird · 08/10/2023 12:39

AutumnCrow · 08/10/2023 12:29

If my partner did something to me that he knew I didn't want and that would upset me when I found out, I'd find it pretty abusive, yes, if he took a conscious decision to do it.

And that applies whether it was immediately obvious or the subject of some surreptitious planning and a subsequent chuckle-based reveal.

It's the principle of the thing. Don't be a dick.

I do think you’re right in this case. It doesn’t seem to have been done on the basis of any good motivation.

However, if it had been some sort of vegetable, say, and the motivation had been to get OP to eat more healthy stuff, and the husband had done it without gloating… is it still the abuse some posters are adamant it is? Because some posters are definitely saying it’s ONLY a consent issue and nothing to do with what the food is. I just don’t think it’s that simple.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/10/2023 12:47

BarbaraofSeville · 08/10/2023 06:13

He doesn't hate it though. He likes the food that @PandaExpress makes, even when it has courgette in it.

You only have to watch a few episodes of Eat Well for Less to know that in genuine blind tasting, many people are nowhere as particular or discerning as they claim to be and a lot of the 'don't likes' or 'can only eat X brand' are all in their minds and its good to get over fussiness like this because it usually frees the rest of their family from a limited diet to accommodate their dietary restrictions.

The OP didn’t say she didn’t like black pudding though. She said she would never eat it. So it’s not fussiness, it’s a conscious decision not to eat it, which her partner didn’t respect.

AutumnCrow · 08/10/2023 12:56

AmIthatweird · 08/10/2023 12:39

I do think you’re right in this case. It doesn’t seem to have been done on the basis of any good motivation.

However, if it had been some sort of vegetable, say, and the motivation had been to get OP to eat more healthy stuff, and the husband had done it without gloating… is it still the abuse some posters are adamant it is? Because some posters are definitely saying it’s ONLY a consent issue and nothing to do with what the food is. I just don’t think it’s that simple.

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I think it could be argued that that moves into an 'intent' issue. Was there an intent to do good or do harm?

For whose benefit or pleasure was the act undertaken? Did the means justify the end? Is this John Stuart Mill's moral intent - or was the guy just being a dick?

Rosscameasdoody · 08/10/2023 12:59

AmIthatweird · 08/10/2023 12:39

I do think you’re right in this case. It doesn’t seem to have been done on the basis of any good motivation.

However, if it had been some sort of vegetable, say, and the motivation had been to get OP to eat more healthy stuff, and the husband had done it without gloating… is it still the abuse some posters are adamant it is? Because some posters are definitely saying it’s ONLY a consent issue and nothing to do with what the food is. I just don’t think it’s that simple.

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I think it comes down to consent, yes. If an adult says they don’t like something or don’t want to eat a certain product, then you shouldn’t feed it to them disguised as something else, no matter what the motivation. I agree it’s a bit different if you’re trying to get children to eat vegetables or different/cheaper brands of things, but once they are old enough to decide for themselves then that’s what they do. And if, as in the OP’s case, a conscious decision has been taken not to eat a particular product for personal reasons, then I think to do what her partner did is a violation of trust, right up there with feeding animal products unknowingly to vegetarians.

quantumbutterfly · 08/10/2023 13:05

This thread is like an O level english comprehension. 😂

Q1:The OP's partner deliberately betrayed her trust, discuss this using examples from the text to support your argument.

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

I have issues around food

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel ..

It's difficult to rock the boat in a relationship after 20 years, has he always been an arse or is he having a mid-life crisis? (manopause is apparently the 'mot de jour')

quantumbutterfly · 08/10/2023 13:06

Now I'm thinking of the barbecue scene in 'fried green tomatoes'..

Rosscameasdoody · 08/10/2023 13:11

ttcat37 · 08/10/2023 07:28

Because if there’s no moral, health or religious reason why she hasn’t ever tried it then she’s being a bit of a baby? Her DH probably just bought the sausages and knew she wouldn’t be able to taste the black pudding so didn’t see the point in buying 2 types of sausages? Most people would say ‘black pudding? Really? I always thought I’d hate black pudding, it tastes quite nice?’
This is literally what people do every day with their children

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But there is a moral reason. She didn’t say she didn’t like black pudding, she said she would never eat it. Two entirely different things. It’s not being ‘a bit of a baby’ to decide that you don’t want to eat something containing animal blood - or for any other reason for that matter. That’s OP’s decision to make, not his and he made a unilateral decision to take that choice away from her without her consent. Do you not see the difference ?

NatashaDancing · 08/10/2023 13:30

Rosscameasdoody has been doing sterling work on here (and I applaud her tenacity) but possibly AutumnCrow 's explanation might be easier to follow

It's the principle of the thing. Don't be a dick.

PandaExpress · 08/10/2023 13:34

jannier · 08/10/2023 11:55

Chilled and autism rarely go together if you watch the 3 part series my autistic me it helps give some understanding of the challenges someone may face.

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I don't need to. I have an adult autistic son who attended special school.
He would still be eating a beige food diet, if I hadn't kept encouraging him to eat different foods, by always putting them on his plate despite him objecting (strongly!)
I've raised a happy, well adjusted young man, with a varied diet. Who does still need adjustments and understanding, but he also knows that saying 'autistic' doesn't just shut down conversations. It's actually quite insulting to autistic people to suggest that they are so rigid, that there can't be any growth. And that people can't be chilled out when they are in their life, like they are walking round on egg shells around them.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/10/2023 13:35

NatashaDancing · 08/10/2023 13:30

Rosscameasdoody has been doing sterling work on here (and I applaud her tenacity) but possibly AutumnCrow 's explanation might be easier to follow

It's the principle of the thing. Don't be a dick.

🤣🤣🤣

jannier · 08/10/2023 14:14

PandaExpress · 08/10/2023 13:34

I don't need to. I have an adult autistic son who attended special school.
He would still be eating a beige food diet, if I hadn't kept encouraging him to eat different foods, by always putting them on his plate despite him objecting (strongly!)
I've raised a happy, well adjusted young man, with a varied diet. Who does still need adjustments and understanding, but he also knows that saying 'autistic' doesn't just shut down conversations. It's actually quite insulting to autistic people to suggest that they are so rigid, that there can't be any growth. And that people can't be chilled out when they are in their life, like they are walking round on egg shells around them.

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Introducing foods as I'm sure you know is a long slow process trying to trick an adult then mocking them and belittling them is not the way to encourage any new behaviour I've autistic relatives and worked with autistic people for years following Gina Davies principals. There can be remarkable progress if done properly.

jannier · 08/10/2023 14:16

PandaExpress · 08/10/2023 13:34

I don't need to. I have an adult autistic son who attended special school.
He would still be eating a beige food diet, if I hadn't kept encouraging him to eat different foods, by always putting them on his plate despite him objecting (strongly!)
I've raised a happy, well adjusted young man, with a varied diet. Who does still need adjustments and understanding, but he also knows that saying 'autistic' doesn't just shut down conversations. It's actually quite insulting to autistic people to suggest that they are so rigid, that there can't be any growth. And that people can't be chilled out when they are in their life, like they are walking round on egg shells around them.

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By the way it's still a very eye opening set of programmes I don't know anyone who lives or works with autism who hasn't come out having benefitted strange you automatically shut it down.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/10/2023 14:35

jannier · 08/10/2023 11:55

Chilled and autism rarely go together if you watch the 3 part series my autistic me it helps give some understanding of the challenges someone may face.

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Fuck off with your ‘autism and chilled rarely go together.’ I am autistic, I am not highly strung or neurotic or rigid/ inflexible and I can be a very chilled out person! Yes, some things like understanding another point of view or coping with change etc can be more difficult for people with autism but that doesn’t mean that by adulthood many of us haven’t developed strategies to overcome these things or that they are hard for every autistic people. It’s ridiculous to suggest that autistic people can’t be chilled. Do you think we are all neurotic or on the edge of a meltdown all of the time? Yes, there are many challenges to being autistic but it is a spectrum and not everybody faces the same challenges or reacts to difficulties in the same way. Please don’t assume that because you’ve seen a documentary you can speak on behalf of all autistic people or assume we are all uptight/ inflexible/ neurotic or whatever you mean by saying autism and chilled can’t go together!

Missingmyusername · 08/10/2023 14:39

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/10/2023 10:25

If he had forgotten or served you it in error I'd think you were being a bit over the top. However he deliberately tricked you, laughed about it and sounds like he was mocking you. There is only one person that needs to grow up in your relationship. You had a clear boundary that he knew about and because he doesn't understand it (or just because he is mean and nasty?) he decided to trample all over it because he thinks his viewpoint about the type of food is more valid than yours. Which is not OK

Agree with this.

Also hate black pudding, the thought of what’s in it, grim. Being tricked into eating something (whatever it is) is unkind.

PandaExpress · 08/10/2023 15:00

jannier · 08/10/2023 14:16

By the way it's still a very eye opening set of programmes I don't know anyone who lives or works with autism who hasn't come out having benefitted strange you automatically shut it down.

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I don't need to in the sense that I've been living with an autistic son and family members for 27 years, so I don't need to watch it, in order to understand autism.
I've read countless ASD books, watched countless programmes, attended ASD workshops and worked in my sons special school. And have raised an autistic person into adulthood. Please, don't try to educate me or any actually autistic people on autism.
And don't say offensive things about autism and being chilled out, rarely going together. This thread was about sausages and sausages containing black pudding. If you stance is that it's abusive, then it's abusive if the person is autistic or not. ASD doesn't have to be dragged into things, just to shut down conversation.

Guesswho88 · 08/10/2023 15:11

quantumbutterfly · 08/10/2023 13:05

This thread is like an O level english comprehension. 😂

Q1:The OP's partner deliberately betrayed her trust, discuss this using examples from the text to support your argument.

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

I have issues around food

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel ..

It's difficult to rock the boat in a relationship after 20 years, has he always been an arse or is he having a mid-life crisis? (manopause is apparently the 'mot de jour')

I was thinking it is more like a courtroom drama with a prosecution arguing the lack of CONSENT😛

Why tf are they terming it manopause when it already has "men" in the flaming word?? - this has triggered me so much for some reason 😭lol

jannier · 08/10/2023 15:47

PandaExpress · 08/10/2023 15:00

I don't need to in the sense that I've been living with an autistic son and family members for 27 years, so I don't need to watch it, in order to understand autism.
I've read countless ASD books, watched countless programmes, attended ASD workshops and worked in my sons special school. And have raised an autistic person into adulthood. Please, don't try to educate me or any actually autistic people on autism.
And don't say offensive things about autism and being chilled out, rarely going together. This thread was about sausages and sausages containing black pudding. If you stance is that it's abusive, then it's abusive if the person is autistic or not. ASD doesn't have to be dragged into things, just to shut down conversation.

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The programmes were made by Chris Packham and each was written by the autistic adult featuring in them to get over to their families ( parents included) and friends to show what their autism was like for them.....all the families who thought they knew their adult children were surprised by what it was like for their children .....so again I'm surprised your not interested.
I'm not shutting down anything being tricked and treated badly is appalling for anyone I'm surprised you seem to minimise it.....but for most Autistic people it has much more long lasting effects I'm not sure why you want to minimise it and to tell the op to chill.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/10/2023 16:05

jannier · 08/10/2023 15:47

The programmes were made by Chris Packham and each was written by the autistic adult featuring in them to get over to their families ( parents included) and friends to show what their autism was like for them.....all the families who thought they knew their adult children were surprised by what it was like for their children .....so again I'm surprised your not interested.
I'm not shutting down anything being tricked and treated badly is appalling for anyone I'm surprised you seem to minimise it.....but for most Autistic people it has much more long lasting effects I'm not sure why you want to minimise it and to tell the op to chill.

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Why do you say that for most autistic people it has much more long lasting effects? Can you refer me to the research studies which show this? Tricking anybody is not a good thing to do, but I don’t know why you say it’s automatically worse for an autistic person. My parents tricked me into eating foods I didn’t like, hiding veg in sauces etc, and I don’t believe I have had any long lasting effects. Autistic people are not some homogenous group, what effects one autistic person might not effect another. As well as being autistic myself I’m a teacher in a special school and the majority of our students have ASD and I can assure you no two students react the same to things, some would easily move on from being tricked (not that I would ever advocate doing it!) whilst others would definitely be effected badly by it. Just like in the general population! Some autistic people can be very chilled, sometimes even to a detriment when they haven’t yet learnt any self-advocacy skills or to ever say no or challenge something and just go along with things to please others which can leave them very vulnerable. Please stop speaking for autistic people; outside of watching a documentary do you even have any personal autism experience?