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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will

1000 replies

Anon39 · 07/10/2023 10:22

I came back from taking our son to training and as I walked back in my husband asked me if I wanted a sausage sandwich I immediately said yes

started eating it and he said do you know what those sausage are? And I replied in the negative and he started to chuckle and said “do you like it?” So my hackles were up I stopped eating and asked for the package of sausage

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel I have no feelings if you do eat it and that’s not the point of my post)

I found the package and it was black pudding sausage I was so upset he knew I would never have willingly eaten black pudding. I feel so betrayed and I’ve ended up crying and he has basically told me to grow up and stop being so dramatic he can’t understand why I’m so upset

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

not to drip feed I am Autistic so I am aware I have issues around food

yes you’re being unreasonable and should have checked (after 20 years of marriage)
no - your partner deliberately betrayed your trust

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 07/10/2023 13:11

Not really, if OP is eating sausages, we already know OP is more than happy to eat pig

So? She has to have your permission to refuse an item of food. I eat meat and seafood, but I have my reasons for refusing to eat lobster, crab and veal. Am I entitled to refuse them in your lights, or do I have no right to choose what I put in my body?

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 13:11

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 12:53

I think the context matters somewhat. If you are a meat eater, and happy to eat any meat product, don't even notice you are eating something you put your mind against.. then there's a bit of an over-reaction.

It's not even like being fed lamb when you have made a stand against eating baby animals.

It was a childish move, it's ok to tell him he's being a dick, he was, but the need for so much drama?

Show quote history

Tell me you don't understand autism without typing "I don't understand autism" ...

ElonGates666 · 07/10/2023 13:12

@PriOn1
"It sounds like he wasn’t at all nice in the way he went about it, but he did prove that your “dislike” of black pudding wasn’t genuine dislike, but something less rational. Perhaps that’s part of the reason you were so upset, not just because he was rather cruel in the way he went about it, but that he showed you up."

There's nothing irrational about not wanting to eat pigs' blood. I don't eat it either. Black pudding is pigs' blood mixed with oatmeal.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 13:13

That's irrelevant. It's not a matter of OP eating something she dislikes. It's her eating something she 100% hates the thought of eating. It's more comparable to someone giving you a shit sandwich and not telling you till you'd eaten some of it.

It's not irrelevant because I was replying to someone talking about caffeine so my reply to do with caffeine.

How is it the same as shit? shit is irrelevant because it's not food

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/10/2023 13:14

I can totally see the comaprison to tricking a vegetarian/vegan to eat meat/animal products.

A person can eat some meat/animal products but be completely averse to eating certain other meats/animal products, for religious, moral or ethical reasons.

For example, i could never eat rabbit because it is an animal i would happily own as a pet, i couldn't eat foi gras because of the horrendous cruelty of how it is made, and i would never eat ofal or black pudding because it's organs/blood.
All of the above would make me feel physically sick and violated if i were fed them against my will, the same way a vegetarian/vegan would.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 13:15

That's completely irrelevant to OP's situation; because of the nature and effects of her autism, this sort of thing, coming out of the blue, does make her cry, and it is the reaction of an idiot to tell her to grow up in response.

I haven't said it was a good thing, I simply stated that I didn't think the husband actually hates his wife & she should divorce him

Hermittrismegistus · 07/10/2023 13:15

You haven't said why you would not eat it ( clearly not an allergy) yet would eat ordinary sausages

She doesn't eat it because she has food isssues due to autism.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 13:16

I can imagine this as a courtroom drama

It wouldn't even get to court 😆

Wibblebits · 07/10/2023 13:17

Let me guess hes horrible to you most of the time?

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 13:18

PriOn1 · 07/10/2023 12:56

This. I work with an autistic colleague and dealing with the irrational fears, dislikes and attempts to control every situation is draining and incredibly disruptive. Sometimes I’ve ended up being really blunt with him, but fortunately we are good enough friends that he hasn’t taken it to heart.

I can fully understand not wanting to always be the one who is expected to put up with irrational restrictions and never respond on the grounds of someone’s autism diagnosis. If it’s affecting my mental health, then our mutual needs need to be balanced if we are both to survive the experience with our mental health intact.

OP, have you asked him why he did it?

It sounds like he wasn’t at all nice in the way he went about it, but he did prove that your “dislike” of black pudding wasn’t genuine dislike, but something less rational. Perhaps that’s part of the reason you were so upset, not just because he was rather cruel in the way he went about it, but that he showed you up.

But it is possible he was clumsily trying to demonstrate to you that you are placing unnecessary restrictions on your eating. Alternatively, he may be tired of the situation and has run out of patience.

It might actually be worth trying to find out what his motivation was as that is where the answer lies as to what this means for your relationship.

Show quote history

The "clumsy demonstration" explanation might work if he hadn't had such an unkind reaction to OP's distress.

People with ASD have all kinds of responses which NT people might think irrational. Not being able to stand food touching other food, for instance; not being able to cope with certain food textures, and indeed, not being able to cope with tactile sensations like water on their skins or labels on clothes; being triggered by sudden loud noises; struggling to deal with transitions. It doesn't help to tell them that this is unnecessary or illogical. Someone who has been married to a person with ASD for 20 years should have worked that out.

Yes, it could be that he's run out of patience. The mature way to deal with that is to talk it through, not to play childish tricks and tell your spouse off for being distressed about it.

MaryLivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams · 07/10/2023 13:18

Its more comparable to feeding a vegan meat.

Nah it isn't, is it? Does the OP maybe think she's not eating blood when she eats meat?

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 13:20

PriOn1 · 07/10/2023 12:57

Shit is not food and obviously presents a health hazard. It’s not remotely the same.

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In terms of being something she hates the thought of eating, and her reaction, it is a perfectly valid comparison.

ElonGates666 · 07/10/2023 13:20

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 13:09

Is that the only criterion for starting a thread on MN, then?

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The president of Ukraine is of Jewish origins so he might have something to say about eating pigs' blood.

ActDottie · 07/10/2023 13:20

I’d get it if it was a particular animal you don’t eat like venison but if you eat the animal anyway then it doesn’t really matter imo.

Maray1967 · 07/10/2023 13:21

Anon39 · 07/10/2023 11:00

Thank you he is trying to gaslight me I think now saying it’s just flavouring etc but that’s not the point for me, he knows my boundaries about trust and this has been one of the cruelest things he has ever done.

ive started rage cleaning upstairs and he is downstairs texting me but I’ve muted him as I don’t trust my emotions at the minute to talk coherently. When I’ve got my thoughts in order we will be having a huge discussion (I don’t cook in our house my division of labour / chores is cleaning / laundry etc) and because of this I feel worried about what else he might do to my food

but thank you for giving me clarity

My discussion would go like this. I will now cook my own food. You will now do your own
laundry.

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 13:21

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 13:11

Tell me you don't understand autism without typing "I don't understand autism" ...

Show quote history

autism is not a blank card to justify any behaviour.

It's awfully rude towards people with autism for a start.

PandaExpress · 07/10/2023 13:22

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 07/10/2023 11:53

But it doesn’t matter if you or anyone else thinks it’s “strange” to draw the line at black pudding. The point is, the OP doesn’t want to eat it, her husband knows this, but still tricked her into eating it and then laughed about it.

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Well it does matter in the sense that the OP has asked for opinions on if she's being unreasonable. For what's it's worth, I don't think she is. However, I think the outrage is misplaced given that the difference is between sausage and black pudding.

loislovesstewie · 07/10/2023 13:22

I think the President of Ukraine might not be eating any part of the pig; although according to Jewish law it is possible to eat food that isn't kosher if the alternative is starvation.

literalviolence · 07/10/2023 13:22

Hermittrismegistus · 07/10/2023 13:15

You haven't said why you would not eat it ( clearly not an allergy) yet would eat ordinary sausages

She doesn't eat it because she has food isssues due to autism.

It's also irrelevant. Adults are able to draw their boundaries wherever they want and for whatever reason. Not eating black pudding does not significantly impact on others so there is no need for anyone to have to think further. Autistic or nor, the OH has behaved appallingly.

EightChalk · 07/10/2023 13:23

Disgust is a powerful and complex emotion. Really interesting article on it here:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3189359/

You can't just decide not to be disgusted by eating certain parts of animals or other foodstuffs. People who are just as happy to eat the eyeballs of a lamb as a lamb chop are not commonly found. Saying the OP should be fine with eating black pudding because she eats pork is plainly disingenuous.

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 13:23

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 13:15

That's completely irrelevant to OP's situation; because of the nature and effects of her autism, this sort of thing, coming out of the blue, does make her cry, and it is the reaction of an idiot to tell her to grow up in response.

I haven't said it was a good thing, I simply stated that I didn't think the husband actually hates his wife & she should divorce him

I don't think anyone else is suggesting he hates her?

autumnpleasestay · 07/10/2023 13:23

He's a jerk. It clearly wasn't an accident. Not only did he not tell you what was in the sandwich, but he then taunted you about it. He needed you to know he'd tricked you into eating something he knows you'd never have knowingly eaten.

I'd be plotting my revenge, to tell the truth! He wants to teach you a lesson (that you can eat something you don't want to eat)? I'd teach him the very valuable lesson that if you mess with me, you pay.

PriOn1 · 07/10/2023 13:23

ElonGates666 · 07/10/2023 13:12

@PriOn1
"It sounds like he wasn’t at all nice in the way he went about it, but he did prove that your “dislike” of black pudding wasn’t genuine dislike, but something less rational. Perhaps that’s part of the reason you were so upset, not just because he was rather cruel in the way he went about it, but that he showed you up."

There's nothing irrational about not wanting to eat pigs' blood. I don't eat it either. Black pudding is pigs' blood mixed with oatmeal.

There is pigs blood in pork, so you eat that every time you eat pork.

And this wasn’t black pudding, it was sausage flavoured with black pudding.

Disliking food because of its texture or flavour is rational. Disliking eating meat because you don’t agree with the ethics of eating meat is rational. Not liking food because you don’t like the idea of it isn’t rational. I am aware lots of people are irrational in that way, but that isn’t really relevant to the point I was making.

For me, a lot depends on how many perfectly normal foodstuffs OP avoids. If it’s only black pudding and she doesn’t make a song and dance about it, then her husband was making the point just to be cruel for the sake of it. If OPs irrational food choices are having an impact on him (or their children, if they have any) then his actions might be more justified, even if he ended up being unnecessarily unkind.

literalviolence · 07/10/2023 13:24

Maray1967 · 07/10/2023 13:21

My discussion would go like this. I will now cook my own food. You will now do your own
laundry.

Show quote history

This. If he doesn't get how much he's ducked up, you can't trust him.

NatashaDancing · 07/10/2023 13:24

Coyoacan · 07/10/2023 13:11

Not really, if OP is eating sausages, we already know OP is more than happy to eat pig

So? She has to have your permission to refuse an item of food. I eat meat and seafood, but I have my reasons for refusing to eat lobster, crab and veal. Am I entitled to refuse them in your lights, or do I have no right to choose what I put in my body?

Sausages can be beef, venison or lamb.

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