To think it is normal now that people don't ask you about yourself anymore?

[goldenwatch]

In the past I felt it was pretty normal that you would see someone, friend, colleague or family member after the weekend or a few weeks of not seeing each other, one would ask after the other family and what they had been up to recently and then the other would reciprocate. It was both a social convention and I always thought genuine interest in the other persons life.

Now however more and more I will do that, ask the other person about how they are, their family and what they have been up to and they happily tell me but very few now ask how you are in return.

Has something changed, is this conversational format now considered rude or intrusive?

I am not that bothered about being able to talk but it just seems odd to me and kind of dehumanising, like more and more people don't think of others as individuals with whole lives separate from the role they play to them.

Anyone else noticed this?

How much do you share on SM? Some people share so much detail that I could answer what they've been up to.

I don't use social media at all, well I use Mumsnet but I am anon on here. I prefer to talk to people I care about face to face, when possible of course.

However perhaps the wide spread use of social media has meant that people get out of the habit of asking how others are due to the fact that many people do share a lot of info online. Although some of the biggest offenders are those who don't really use much social media themselves, so who knows?

I notice my American friends don't ask how I am.

Yes, conversation seems more of an exchange of facts/an opportunity for others to vent/rant/talk at me instead of to me. Very few people who don't do this and I find it disheartening.

I've noticed this recently with people I've met. It seems to be one long monologue about themselves. I'm sure this isn't how conversation used to be.

@Sawaranga & @Movinghouseatlast Yes, the reciprocal nature of conversation used to be how things would really open up and you'd get to talking about bigger issues, just seems so much rarer these days which is very sad.

I don't really know many Americans but have seen this also with Australians, but it doesn't seem rare in any group to be fair.

It's still normal to ask those questions round here.

Yes I've noticed this and it pisses me right off. I recently decided i wouldn't bother going to a certain person's birthday next year as everytime I go I just have to listen to the same 3 people talk about themselves and them not ask a single question in response.

I'm quite introverted anyway but it's definitely made me want to stay at home more. For the record I don't want to talk about myself constantly either, just some back and forth

No I haven’t found that at all

I think people have become a lot more self centred- it’s the same reason standards have slipped so much at the theatre too. Many seem to think it’s a post Covid thing which I guess it must be but I don’t fully understand why it would be.

Is this more post covid? I wouldn't put up with this, I didn't before and I won't now, I'd just let the friendship go.

I think it has become the new normal. Social media has taught people to broadcast their news so it is very common to go out with people who just speak forth about themselves but wouldn't think to ask about you.

I'm sure if you ran an experiment to see how many hours you could be with friends before they asked you a question about you, it would be a rather long experiment!

I haven’t notice thos at all.

But I hope it becomes a thing, I hate being asled what I’ve done/plan to do. I don’t do anything, so I have no stories to tell. And usually people ask these to just check if you’re worthy of their grace.
I don’t like it at all.

But also people take offense more easily - look how often people on here complain about colleagues asking things about their life, whether they have children or where they grew up or whether they have a partner or whatever, and say that they'd never ask such things of other people in case it sets off painful memories etc. With friends it's different, but I think there is much greater reticence with colleagues and acquaintances now that people have said how they get upset by many of these topics or questions.

Weirdly I noticed this after a weekend with my friend recently. I realised that I was asking her about her family, her job etc. and she would answer with long answers and then not ask me anything about me. By the end of the weekend I was purposefully not asking a follow up question as I would usually do because I was waiting to see if she’d use the gap to ask me about my parents after I’d asked after hers, but nothing!!! It was strange, it’s left an odd taste in my mouth about our friendship and has made me feel quite sad.

I've always answered honestly if asked how I am.

It's British to go:

1: Hi, how are you
2: fine thanks, you

And continue with fake surface pleasantries.

Many of us don't work like that that or it makes us uncomfortable. I always answer with how long have you got, do you want the honest answer, or please don't ask.

I prefer deeper conversation anyway. I'm autistic and don't do this ridiculous dance. It's very uncomfortable. Don't ask me something you don't actually want to know. There's other ways to have a conversation. And I'd love to know what's happening with others more than talk about myself.

I always find it off putting when people ask me this too. Like @OneQuestionBefore i feel put in the spot and frantically try to think of something I can say I have done that is of interest. not sure what I would prefer though, I think people are just being nice.

I tend to find plenty of give and take with my friends and acquaintance. Some more than others of course. But since being on MN, and people being able to share their views anonymously, I'm surprised to find that quite a lot of people here find questions intrusive.

But, I do wonder if forums like this attract a large proportion of people who are socially awkward or introverted or on the autistic spectrum. Many people openly say they are and it is in no way a criticism and more an observation. Certain thread titles attract certain personality types too of course.

In many ways it is very interesting to read so many points of view from people I don't meet in real life, but equally if I'm not careful I start believing that everyone dislikes their mother in law, or showers with bleach and a brillo pad, or it's unreasonable to hope for a bit of help with the kids from grandparents, because often only those who have a vested interest in that thing will post on a thread, so it gets a bit skewed.

Yes I have really noticed this since Covid and it upsets me tbh. I’m thinking mainly about two v good friends who do have a tendency to monologue about themselves and their lives/families/jobs/opinions without ever asking anything about mine in return! Find it very disheartening and I do think it’s changed from how it used to be

I think the pandemic really put a spanner in the works when it comes to people's ability to socialise. I've definitely noticed a huge change in people's ability to hold a normal conversation, engage in small talk, show interest in others. Things that used to be pretty rude are now just a given. It's quite remarkable how quickly social norms can change.

@Excited101 what has changed in theatres? I’ve been a dozen times since covid and the only time it was different was when things first opened up. The first act I went to was comedy and everyone was so pleased to be out out, we were all laughing a bit raucously. Since then it seems the same to me.

I have a couple of close friends I see regularly and with them it is reciprocal ( though the most chatty does dominate the conversation). Anything on my mind comes out when we get together. With everyone else outside my house it is a quick, how are you, I’m fine you? exchange.

Interesting - I'm Australian and it's normal among my friends and acquaintances to ask how how one is. Doesn't mean a lengthy description is required, not much more than the "Hi, how are you?" asked by checkout staff does. Could it be age related? My friends are mostly in their sixties or older.

Couldn’t agree more.

I have actually done this as an experiment with some friends and have come away having spent an afternoon of listening without any interest shown In reciprocation.

Not all friends by any means but it has certainly helped me to focus on which friends are genuine and which friends just need an audience.

Is social media to blame?
Has lockdown accelerated the loss of social skills?

Haven't noticed this at all but I'm Irish and we tend to be nosey gossips 😂