To think it is normal now that people don't ask you about yourself anymore?

[goldenwatch]

In the past I felt it was pretty normal that you would see someone, friend, colleague or family member after the weekend or a few weeks of not seeing each other, one would ask after the other family and what they had been up to recently and then the other would reciprocate. It was both a social convention and I always thought genuine interest in the other persons life.

Now however more and more I will do that, ask the other person about how they are, their family and what they have been up to and they happily tell me but very few now ask how you are in return.

Has something changed, is this conversational format now considered rude or intrusive?

I am not that bothered about being able to talk but it just seems odd to me and kind of dehumanising, like more and more people don't think of others as individuals with whole lives separate from the role they play to them.

Anyone else noticed this?

Yes, I've experienced this with someone I once regarded as a close friend. It started several years ago after he moved area with his new wife. When we'd have a catch-up on the phone he'd just drone on and on about himself, his job, his wife, her job, his kids and their jobs, the dog. After this happened a few times I started timing how long it took him to say 'So, how are you?' and the average was 45 minutes, but often longer. If/when he asked about me, his wife would often call him to go and walk the dog or something, so very often I never got to say much, if anything. He then started sending round-robins with all the details set out in writing, even stuff he knew I already knew. It was beyond tedious and I've stopped contacting him. Thankfully he no longer contacts me either.

I thought it was just me who noticed this but I can’t remember the last time anyone asked me anything about myself yet I can tell you all about my friends IBS , teenage son at school , sons girlfriend and her job my colleagues holidays , pregnancies . I’m just a bit sick of monologues whether it be on text or in person . That’s across all ages and both male and female friends as well . If it wasn’t for my immediate family I feel like I would have no outlet for my own thoughts and experiences to be shared not that they’re particularly interesting but it’s nice just to have someone ask about your hobby or if you have watched a tv series .

I'm absolutely abhorrent at asking questions about the other person - to the point where people who have met me ask if I'm a journalist and DH gives me an eye signal that says 'Dial down the grilling' - but people seem to love me on immediate meeting (they adjust their opinion as they get to know me though). Work colleagues who are introverted have said I make the office chit chat feel easier & less awkward and they don't have to come up with things to say.

I love finding out about people's lives, kids, jobs, where they live, where they come from. I am not sure if it's curiosity or an avoidance mechanism; the more people talk about themselves the less I talk about myself so that suits me, I have crippling low self esteem. I do notice that people don't ask questions back or seem that curious about me - as I said that suits me, but I do wonder about the interplay of proper human connection and people's ego getting in the way of that connection. Real intimacy isn't borne out of one person knowing everything about you and you knowing nothing about the people in your life is it? You can't be a main player if you don't know your audience IMO.

God, dating was dull at times because of that. The number of men who would be simply unable to make conversation. I had more than a few dates where they would just answer questions and then go quiet, so I'd have to handhold them through the date by asking a question of them, volunteering some info about me (cos they hadn't asked), asking them a question, volunteering info about me and so forth. The funny thing is 100% of the time those men would think it was a fantastic evening and want to see me again. No wonder! I'd made it easy for them, they didn't have to feel awkward or anxious because I smoothed it all over, they had to put zero effort in conversationally, it was heaven.

Yes! I've noticed it the whole time I have lived in a Australia (nearly 20 years)!

Yep, lots of my friends have now become acquaintances due to this exact reason.

All of the people complaining that the other person just talks and doesn’t ask questions… why don’t you volunteer information about yourself? Surely when someone’s talking about themselves or their experiences, that’s the opportunity to mention things about your life and experiences? I ask questions if they naturally arise, but usually it’s just a back and forth exchange of info that happens without questions being needed to elicit information. Obviously there are some people who just talk at you and monologue, but mostly there’s just a natural reciprocity, surely?

I agree with this.

I think it's nice for people to show interest but I dislike the formulaic nature of these conversations. "Any plans for the weekend?" etc. As if anyone actually really cares. It's a bit like when your hairdresser asks you what your holiday plans are. Unless you know someone well you don't actually give a shit so why pretend?

I also think this mindset really facilitates people pleasing: the idea that expressing your own views or opinions or talking about your life is "venting" or "ranting" or bad form in some way is peculiar and something which I am pretty sure is never extended to men.

It's much more interesting to talk to someone who has strong views or unusual opinions than to be asked for the tenth time what your holiday plans are by an acquaintance who you know will forget and ask you again.

I'd rather someone came at me from leftfield with an off the cuff opinion on a politician or a tv show than blandly asked me what I'd done at the weekend. Much more memorable.

@Thepeopleversuswork I don't find this formulaic at all it is only nice and polite to show an interest in peoples lives and loved ones it is also a gateway to deeper conversations and friendships, I think most people would agree.

A relative of mine doesn't do this when in person, but on the phone oh my word! Sometimes I just put the phone to one side and get on with what I was doing whilst they talk at me.

It depends how it's done. Its nice to show a genuine interest in people's lives, yes.

But "any plans for the weekend" is so inauthentic. People can smell this a mile off. I find it quite off-putting.

If you can't be bothered to ask me something that's actually interesting I can't be bothered to reply!

@Thepeopleversuswork Well I hope my interest is always genuine and I feel that asking about peoples lives is just how you build a relationship, so if you ask a colleague about weekend plans and they say they are going to a party, then I'd ask about how it went on the Monday and over time you get more familiar and closer I suppose. Its not really a plan as such just nice human interaction.

I know what you mean about a hairdresser asking about holidays but again they are probably just trying to be nice and put the client as ease so I don't think it is meant badly and sometimes they can turn out to be nice conversations too.

Yeah, this. The format of social media means posts are almost always "this is what I did/how I feel" rather than "how are you?/what have you been doing?". You lose the habit of the back and forth nature of good conversation, and people forget that it's nice for the other person to have their turn at feeling valued and heard, even if they're not being especially informative or entertaining. One or two of the monologuers I know think they're amazing raconteurs, and more interesting than others, whereas actually their conversational partners just tend to have better manners than they do!

This isn't the case with my very close friends but I have increasingly noticed it with people in general. For example, there is a group of "friends" that I meet down the local pub every weekend and I could tell you every minutiae about their lives whilst I think most of them would struggle to tell you what I do for a living!

I noticed a family member doing this, my back broke from carrying every conversation, so I stopped. They realised they had nothing to say, except to repeat the same stories to my mirrored disinterest, so now we mostly just sit in awkward silence if we're alone together.

I know what you mean.
I don’t mind a bit of small talk to get the conversation started, even just a brief one. But if it’s clear that there’s zero interest from the person who asks ‚how are you‘ to know anything whatsoever I‘d rather they didn’t ask.
I‘m also very fond of deeper conversations.

Something has changed since lockdown I feel.

Also I'm increasingly baffled by eg my mil who won't ask anyone really basic questions about her immediate family that are worrying her eg her son ( my bil ) was quite ill, she wouldn't ask bil what was up, until it was face to face.
Her neice has stage 4 cancer but she won't ask anything about treatment, spread, prognosis nothing. She is worried sick but keeps on saying that she won't ask any questions she will wait for information to be offered out. She was telling me how worried she is, but based on what information? She hasnt asked how things are going. I'm finding that really worrying as she and to an extent my dh are in complete detail as no one is saying the words. Therefore it's all OK? Is that the reasoning? I feel they are both in for a very big shock but right now happy in denial.

It kind of enforces that anything more than polite chit chat and sharing YOUR news is rude. I think it's monologue and I'm not comfortable with that either.

Basically I feel that shift too. I suspect people are more inward focused and life's just getting too stressful to take on more bad news? Or maybe we are all turning into narcs.

The reply button doesn't work I know 😒.
Yes it's a shame that some people just become so self absorbed like your friend, unfortunately I don't think they realise how they come across to others 😕 .

🤣🤣

Well that's a relief- I thought it was just me!

We have friends like this, and they‘ve been like this since way before Covid.
Nice people, but it’s like listening to a podcast with them.
As if it somehow didn’t occur to them that other people might actually have lives/families/jobs/opinions too.

I get the point above about formulaic questions, like where you’re going on holiday, when no-one gives a shit. However, it’s an opener, to break the ice, and might lead to a more meaningful exchange - i.e. I’m going to X, oh really I’ve been there, oh what did you think of it?, where did you stay?, I love X country have you tried X.

Few deep and meaningful conversations start deep and meaningful.

Personally I would be inventing reasons not to meet up with this friend very often. She would drive me crackers 🙄

I have noticed this a lot. I ask people how they are, what are they up to at the weekend etc and they happily tell me all about their plans and don’t ask in return.

I had DD’s group of primary friends mums over for a catch up (all gone off to different secondary schools) and two told me all about their DC and their problems & how they were getting on, but didn’t ask how my DD is at all.

I think people are lonely, and relish being able to talk about themselves. Or they feel self-important and just want to talk 'me me me'. It doesn't bother me, I'd rather be an ear than a mouth