To think it is normal now that people don't ask you about yourself anymore?

[goldenwatch]

In the past I felt it was pretty normal that you would see someone, friend, colleague or family member after the weekend or a few weeks of not seeing each other, one would ask after the other family and what they had been up to recently and then the other would reciprocate. It was both a social convention and I always thought genuine interest in the other persons life.

Now however more and more I will do that, ask the other person about how they are, their family and what they have been up to and they happily tell me but very few now ask how you are in return.

Has something changed, is this conversational format now considered rude or intrusive?

I am not that bothered about being able to talk but it just seems odd to me and kind of dehumanising, like more and more people don't think of others as individuals with whole lives separate from the role they play to them.

Anyone else noticed this?

One of DH's nephews has been with his girlfriend for about a year now, and while she's a perfectly pleasant person, it's weirdly hard to warm to her. I realised after six months or so that I knew an extensive amount about her career, family, interests, travel plans, timetable for her entire life, plans to buy house, late dogs, horse, etc etc - and she hadn't asked me or DH one single question about ourselves. She still hasn't.

She might be very shy, I suppose she's definitely not but it comes across as a basic lack of interest in us, or any desire to get to know DNephew's extended family. Which is maybe how she feels, I guess.

Excellent thread OP as this topic confuses the living daylights out of me most days now

Agree with Weddingpuzzle on being naturally interested in people & their stories & life experiences but personally also need a modicum of interest in return after a while to avoid feeling like an (increasingly infuriated) cardboard cutout

Oh, and worse on the phone as someone else mentioned already

Recently saw a poster on a similarly themed thread here describe that as feeling like a radio station has rung you up to broadcast self centred drivel :)

Especially bad at work too, team of 8 in almost daily attendance, I could easily run all of their households after working there for just over a year, such is the level of info broadcast about their Homes/Partners/Pets/Relatives/Car MOT schedules, never stopping to ask a single question of their audience nor showing a bit of interest when the non broadcasters occasionally get a word in

Exhausting & frustrating in equal measure!,

I have a few family members like this. Never ever ask about my life. Just prattle on about themselves. I don't think some of them have any idea what job i do. It's weird. I'm always asking people about themselves. I can't imagine not doing this. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have family in Australia and my cousin once posted this dreadful paragraph about how she was a positive person and just don't bring your negativity to her door as she doesn't want to hear it.

So effectively telling her Facebook friends to fuck off with their problems.

Seeing that facebook friends are your actual friends and family I found that disgraceful.

My sister openly admitted she doesn't know where I work and doesn't really care. She just goes on about her latest dramas.

No worries, I thought it was an interesting observation! I don’t have a wide acquaintance.

I work as a carer, and apart from obviously those who have dementia, no one ever has any interest in my life or how I am. This also applies to their relatives as well, no interest in anything to do with me, just mum this, dad that that, I this.

Also, these are people who I have known over a year, since I started the job, so not strangers. So they will all say how are you, and/or what have you been doing? But as soon as you start to elaborate, they look bored and disengage. Now I just give a standard reply, Oh I'm fine thank you, yes I've been busy, yesterday I spent the afternoon mowing the lawn. Because I know that even if I have done something remotely interesting, they wouldn't want to know.

Then I immediately turn it round to them, and listen to them intently whilst asking endless questions and showing interest, offering advice... It's exhausting, and makes you feel inhuman.

It seems the current form is to accept that no one will ask you directly so you have to stake your own claim if you want or can be bothered to, lol.

I think I've become the opposite in recent years - I know what I've been up to, so I don't need to hear myself repeat it to someone else! I'd rather hear a new story.

I have noticed this with some friends. As I am approaching a year since a really difficult time began in my family I'm aware there are a couple of "friends" who I've had plenty of contact with but have no idea anything is going on because we only talk about them. For a year! I'm withdrawing from those friendships now.

I’m sorry. We’re interested. Tell us how you are x

I have changed tack over the past few years with a few friends, as we would have long conversations about what our children were up to, pointless rants about their work colleagues etc. it’s a personal thing for me, I don’t want to have those conversations anymore, I’m really happy to talk about something specific that we both find interesting. So I probably don’t ask how they are.

That’s really sad. My mother has care workers visit every weekday and the first part of the visit is always chatting about what they’ve been doing since we saw them last!

I definitely feel like this in a couple of friendships. They don’t ask, so I just decide I’m going to say something about how I feel and what’s going on in my life beyond just what films I’ve seen lately etc.

I say it, they listen in silence, or at any rate remain silent while I’m talking, seeming perhaps a bit perplexed, and when I’ve finished they mostly don’t ask any follow-up questions and we move on to talking about something else 🤷‍♀️🙄🤣

Thank you, you're clearly very perceptive!

@Frances0911 That is really awful, I've been in that kind of job in the past and people treat you as lesser often which I don't understand as you are charged with caring for his loved ones. When my grandparent died we invited all his carers to the funeral and the meal after. As they were leaving quite a few told me that thought they always attended funerals of the people they looked after they had never been invited to the meal after before by the family. That really shocked me. Carers really are amazing and I hope you know we really appreciate the work you do!

You are not the first person to notice that 😂😂

YANBU. I have ADHD and have to consciously tell myself to maintain eye contact and ask questions.

I rarely forget to do either, ironically because of my ADHD.

I do this - especially if I have alone wfh all day with nobody to talk to. I find I have inflicted a massive stream of conversation on the other person, and then, as soon as I am back behind my own front door again, the heavy duty self-recrimination starts.

I tried that , you know talking about a place I'd been or something like that. They simply cut me off and talked straight over the top of me .😡 unbelievable 🤣

It actually annoys me when people ask about my family (older like parents / siblings ) everytime I see them and I have nothing to say

Yes they're good thanks

That's it... pointless convo

If something was going on I would tell you

How are you?

Prefer to talk about deeper stuff so ask me something else

But I love hearing about other peoples lives just not generic how's your sister doing when they're absolutely fine

It does make me laugh inwardly when people unfailingly ask "How's Mum?", because she's exactly the same as she was last time they asked. She doesn't go anywhere except appointments and doesn't do anything except her at-home exercise sessions, so there really isn't anything to say! But it's kindly meant, and tbh I don't have anything much to tell about myself, either, unless I've just finished making a jumper or have some thrilling purchase to report (the whole world is getting to hear about my new chairs whether they like it or not!)