To think it is normal now that people don't ask you about yourself anymore?

[goldenwatch]

In the past I felt it was pretty normal that you would see someone, friend, colleague or family member after the weekend or a few weeks of not seeing each other, one would ask after the other family and what they had been up to recently and then the other would reciprocate. It was both a social convention and I always thought genuine interest in the other persons life.

Now however more and more I will do that, ask the other person about how they are, their family and what they have been up to and they happily tell me but very few now ask how you are in return.

Has something changed, is this conversational format now considered rude or intrusive?

I am not that bothered about being able to talk but it just seems odd to me and kind of dehumanising, like more and more people don't think of others as individuals with whole lives separate from the role they play to them.

Anyone else noticed this?

There are numerous people I have worked with that I have learned never to ask a casual "hi how's things?"
As I know I will get an interminable speech about their grandma's arthritis, their husbands constipation, the 3 migraines they've suffered in the past week, the dogs fleas etc and on and on. I just nod, wave and walk on very quickly 😉😉

It’s self centred and rude. I years ago binned off “friends” that did it. Someone isn’t a friend if they don’t show any interest in you.

Of course if they are going through some kind of trauma you’d expect convos to be one sided for a bit but in the normal run of things it’s not OK.

Surround yourself with people that are interested in you. And that you are interested in. There lies sanity!

Do you think people have lost the art of conversation?

Yes. Not all my friends, but very noticeably one of my oldest friends almost NEVER asks about me. Every time we meet up she happily waffles on about herself and her life and her kid and her ex and her hobby etc etc. We went literally months last year without her ever asking about me after I started wondering if it was in my head or whether it was real, and kept mental note of whether she displayed any interest in me at all. She has no idea what's going on in my life because I don't really post on social media and she rarely bothers to ask. We don't even ever really get to much chatty stuff because all she does is talk about herself and all she seems to want is for me to listen and agree with whatever she says. Unfortunately, I don't have much interest in that now.

MNers make me think every personal topic is off limits anyway.

Don't ask why I'm going to hospital (or anywhere)
Don't ask about my income or any indicator of personal wealth or social status
Don't say anything about my appearance
Never ask anything about my baby's due date

Such a minefield, avoid by simply don't ask anything personal.

When me and my friends get together we just talk about anything and anything.
If I find myself resorting to those questions it's usually because the conversation has dried up.

I do find with quite a lot of new people I meet they tend not to pick up on threads of the conversation that would allow it to develop and it can feel a bit like hard work.

@Catsmere to be fair to Australians the one's I know are originally from the UK but have lived there for many decades now and it as I say it is pretty wide spread behaviour so it wasn't my intention to single out any particular group of people.

I've noticed this too. I have a few now not-so-close friends who would never ask about me, I put also zero effort into these relationships. With my closest friends, it's an equal exchange. I once spent an afternoon with a "friend" who talked only about herself (even down the laundry struggles she was having with her DP) and at the end, she said, "I haven't even asked you anything about you!" I smiled and brushed it off.

We met again in a group setting a month later and she had a sour face when she learned that she was the last to know about some big changes in my life (friends in the group asked).

I always make it a point to ask about someone else first.

Well with close friends yes you are correct but it is still nice to ask people about their families and lives I think and for colleague and people you don't always see it is only polite and a good way to move into or open a more flowing conversation and in my opinion if someone asks you these questions it is only common decency to do the same.

Yes, was saying the same thing the other day.

People just talk about their own (boring) lives and never ask me how I am. Gets tedious

Yes, I've noticed this recently with a couple of people in particular. Weirdly, I consider myself quite socially awkward but I've noticed these more 'popular' people who I've known for years just jabber on about themselves without asking anything about me in return, for example about holidays they know I've been on. I don't expect them to be overly interested in what I have to say in return but it's a social norm to show some interest in what people you apparently like have been up to isn't it? Weird and has often left me feeling really crap

Yes I think they have it seems to be a monologue now as opposed to a proper exchange, I think it starts with asking how people are and then moves on to a broader or deeper conversation. No wonder it feels like their is no nuance in the discourse these days when people have lost that skill.

I used to be a bit shy/socially awkward and the best advice to deal with this was from a family member who recommended just asking people questions about themselves, as so many people like to talk about themselves. It works and is a good way of dealing with groups and new people. I'm always worried that I'm being boring and am wary of dominating conversations, but have found myself stuck with a few monologuer friends as a result. It's awful when someone literally never asks you anything. I had an emotional vampire friend who would monologue for an hour about her woes. I once tried to tell her about something that had upset me earlier in the week, and she snapped at me that I was 'overthinking' and went back talking about herself. That was the line in the sand - never met her again. I've managed to drop these types over the last couple of years and have a few lovely, reciprocal and balanced friendships instead now. Unfortunately there are monologuers of all ages out there. It's about manners - even if we are all naturally selfish and self absorbed, you still need to remember to ask people about themselves occasionally. As I get older I find myself more interested in people generally - if you make the effort to be interested and ask questions you are more likely to make interesting or good friends or at least learn something new about the world at the very least. Everyone has at least one fascinating story.

I've known one of my friends for about 7 years and the other day I happened to mention two fairly important/specific things that had happened. She said she had no idea, and seemed surprised.

Well, yeah, you never ask ME about ME!!!?

I have noticed this too. I’m generally quite an extroverted person but also very aware of that, so tend to avoid talking about my own life unless someone asks. I am also quite nosey interested in other people’s lives so will always ask about theirs and very happily listen - I have no complaint if someone wants to talk about their life for a long period of time, but have noticed my opportunities to do the same are decreasing. Perhaps people got tired of hearing about me 😄

Me too but maybe it's old fashioned to feel that way 🤔.
Growing up, we were taught that it was good manners to ask after everyone's welfare and to show interest in what we were being told.
I would never start a convo with a vent or rant, that's so low rent 😒

I don’t recognise this. I confess I’m socially awkward so sometimes go to the other extreme and have to be careful not to look nosy because I’m trying so hard not to be guilty of giving a monologue. I find it tricky so I think I’d notice if the default had changed in my circles.

I feel sorry for those people in a way.

They really put other people off by just monologuing constantly, so they sense people pulling away and get lonely and desperate and then when they do get a bit of social contact they monologue because they are getting everything out and people back away because it's so rude and unpleasant to be around so they feel more isolated and grip harder to those social interactions that do come their way and so forth.

I don't tolerate it anymore, I used to, but the older I get the more I realise it's not rude to extricate yourself from an inappropriately in-depth speech you didn't solicit when you have shit to do, it's actually ruder to do what they're doing and try monopolise people's time to suit your own ends. Still feel sorry for them though as it's as offputting as halitosis!

Yes,my formerly closest friend never lets me speak or even pretends to be interested in me now.She is the one who wants to meet to talk about herself and her family.I used to try to interject but was basically given one word answers and redirected back to her news/opinions.
I now try to meet as little as possible as I basically just sit there for an hour or so while she talks at me.
I realise she is not interested in me or my family in the slightest so dont even want to try now.
It is very hurtful.

Not in my circles.

Yes, I've stopped seeing one friend as she just rants about her husband and his alcoholism and has done for 15 years now, nothing ever changes and two hours go by with the latest drama. I get a cursory "how's work" at the end then it's back to her/her husband/her work sp I don't see her any more. It's a shame.

That was in reply to @fetchacloth

What is the point of the reply button, don't think it does anything?!

The younger generation are a lot like this now. My 22 year old DS said all through school no one ever asks anyone about themselves. When his friends eventually found some things out about him they were like'why didn't you say'? He said 'you never asked'. It's easy for narcissists to function in this environment but introvert not so much.

I find that generally people only want to talk about themselves.

When I was online dating I found a lot of men to be like this. I'd ask lots of questions and they'd ask me nothing. I even implemented a rule in the end (in my mind) that if they hadn't asked one basic question in the first 24hrs then I'd just block. I was looking to be someone's partner, not their audience.

However yes women can also be like this too. I've faded out a fair few friendships for the same reason. I like a lot of time alone so the time I do spend with others needs to be worthwhile to me. Which means a decent 2 way conversation. My Dsis is an extrovert and for her, any company is better than none, but I'm not like that. There's many things I'd rather do than listen to someone else's monologue.