To think it is normal now that people don't ask you about yourself anymore?

[goldenwatch]

In the past I felt it was pretty normal that you would see someone, friend, colleague or family member after the weekend or a few weeks of not seeing each other, one would ask after the other family and what they had been up to recently and then the other would reciprocate. It was both a social convention and I always thought genuine interest in the other persons life.

Now however more and more I will do that, ask the other person about how they are, their family and what they have been up to and they happily tell me but very few now ask how you are in return.

Has something changed, is this conversational format now considered rude or intrusive?

I am not that bothered about being able to talk but it just seems odd to me and kind of dehumanising, like more and more people don't think of others as individuals with whole lives separate from the role they play to them.

Anyone else noticed this?

I think it depends on the person. I definitely have one friend who talks about nothing but herself nowadays. It’s just a monologue, the last time I met her I simply sat and I listened. If she does get around to asking how I am, something very quickly distracts her attention.

Yeah he seems oblivious in the moment 🤷🏻😆 And I know for sure that it’s not down to a lack of interest – it’s more like he just gets swept up in the conversation and it doesn’t occur to him to turn the convo back round to his family members. He would be horrified to think he was being rude! And isn’t like it with everyone.. so maybe something to do with that particular dynamic 🤷🏻

I honestly think some people just don’t realise the other person is waiting to be asked back. I don’t think people think ‘shall I ask – mmm actually nah, not interested’. But who knows!

It’s definitely shifted post covid. That and flaking out of commitments. I have lost count of the number of parties we have been to and so many guests have cancelled last minute or simply not turned up.
I notice some people monologue more now, I assume social anxiety.

I ask about others because I am genuinely interested.

Maybe I'm being an eleven-rife but I don't think it's the "height of rudeness".

I do think some reciprocality is important in relationships but just going through an inane checklist of questions to which you don't really want to know the answers isn't really reciprocation, it's just slavishly obeying convention.

I think it's a question of how you do it. There's a middle ground between being relentlessly "me, me, me" and insipid pressing of dull questions while you don't give anything away yourself. On balance I'd rather someone start a conversation with something interesting though.

It's about being able to read other people.

Honestly?

No one is that ‘interesting’ not even you.
Too much detail about anything is boring for other people.
Yes you need to get beyond the superficial, but it’s better to wait to be asked for more information than just assuming someone else wants to hear it.

Here we go. 🙄

Maybe you just have shit friends.

ask the other person about how they are, their family and what they have been up to and they happily tell me but very few now ask how you are in return.

I personally detest this kind of interrogation, that may be your problem.

I ask and my good friends ask back. You might just know some self-absorbed people.

Yes I have noticed this too and think it's pretty rude. Not everyone is like it and it helps me judge whether I can really be arsed with someone.

Well the beauty of those questions is that they are not an "interrogation" as you put it but an invitation to share what you wish. I never interrogate anyone and the suggestion I would is extremely rude. Also as I say they are happy to share but then ask nothing of the other person so I really don't see how that fits into your framing of this at all.

I'm not saying this as an insult but do you have ASD?

The only person I know who finds "How are you?" intrusive has ASD, so she takes it very literally, like she's being asked by a therapist.

She is worried sick but keeps on saying that she won't ask any questions she will wait for information to be offered out.

It's a fine line though, one doesn't want to appear nosey or ghoulish where serious illness is concerned.

🙄 Maybe that's more to do with you or your friends.

As an American living in England, I miss the friendliness of back home. Here, if people do ask how you are, the only acceptable answers are things like 'really well' or 'fine'....which is, well...fine...once you realise that being asked how you are doesn't mean that at all.

No the majority wouldn't necessarily agree, some, like me, would find the so-called interest intrusive.

I get nervous about answering 'what have you been up to' type questions because I rarely have been up to much. I don't have any oven-ready anecdotes, so my answers are usually vague and bland, but then sometimes I'll find myself oversharing about some personal difficulty or other because it's the first thing that comes into my head. I much prefer rambling conversations that might end up touching on the personal but don't begin there.

This is what I meant in my last comment. People with ASD view the question very literally.

Not everyone can be lumped into some category because they don't fit the model preferred on MN! When I was working I found it odd that people I just worked with wanted to know about my family, who they'd never met! It became a game I played, I didn't tell them about my impending grandchild until she was born so stick all the pseudo labels on me as you wish, if I'm asked How are you? I will usually say Fine, if I add 'and are you?' there's a danger they'll tell me at great length.

Jeez you sound like fun!!!

I am so pleased I found this thread today . I thought it was just me ! . Some friends & family seem to be really cut off these days it really makes me feel invisible. I always ask how people are , what have they been up to , general interest in them but lately nothing in return it isn't a 2 way conversation anymore . These are people in my life who were never like this . I find it quite worrying it's like people can't be bothered and really don't give a fuck about others anymore. I have a friend who said a couple of people she knows have become the same . It's hard not to take it personally .

Yes, I had this last time I tried OLD. First phone call and guys thought it was ok to launch into an hour-long monologue about the trouble they were having at work, with management, about the awful previous women they'd met. Not interested in me at all.

I called one bloke out on it... and, unsurprisingly, he didn't like it!

Sorry you’re feeling homesick @ArtAndMusic. We Brits aren’t all horrible and uncaring I promise we just express friendliness a bit differently maybe to what you’re used to. Hope you find your tribe here x

I watched an interesting youtube video about this recently! Politeness strategy is just different in the UK and US. I’ll see if I can find it :)

@Lastchancechica

No one is that ‘interesting’ not even you.
Too much detail about anything is boring for other people.
Yes you need to get beyond the superficial, but it’s better to wait to be asked for more information than just assuming someone else wants to hear it.

It's not about me being interesting, I just don't agree with your premise. I'd much rather hear from someone with an opinion or a strong position, even if its a bit in your face, than some really vapid chat which could be with anyone.

If someone comes up to you and says "I've just seen a huge punch up on the high street," you're kind of drawn in. You can get to the platitudes about your mum's angina later but for now there's a proper story to talk about.

If someone asks you how your weekend is and you say "fine thanks", where does that lead? It's a conversational cul de sac and leaves everyone feeling deflated.

Of course if people never ask about you that's kind of tedious too. But a strong opening gambit goes a long way.

This might have been it:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tikE-saHWcI&pp=ygUvYnJpdGlzaCB2cyBBbWVyaWNhbiBlbmdsaXNoIHBvbGl0ZW5lc3Mgc3RyYXRlZ3k%3D

Basically there’s more of an imperative in British culture to avoid being intrusive or overbearing. So being a bit more reserved / less overfamiliar is considered polite as it allows other people space and doesn’t run the risk of imposing. Although could also depend very heavily on what part of the country you’re in! Sorry you’re feeling homesick X

I think it’s a generational thing. Older people always ask how I am. Younger, never 🤔