To think it is normal now that people don't ask you about yourself anymore?

[goldenwatch]

In the past I felt it was pretty normal that you would see someone, friend, colleague or family member after the weekend or a few weeks of not seeing each other, one would ask after the other family and what they had been up to recently and then the other would reciprocate. It was both a social convention and I always thought genuine interest in the other persons life.

Now however more and more I will do that, ask the other person about how they are, their family and what they have been up to and they happily tell me but very few now ask how you are in return.

Has something changed, is this conversational format now considered rude or intrusive?

I am not that bothered about being able to talk but it just seems odd to me and kind of dehumanising, like more and more people don't think of others as individuals with whole lives separate from the role they play to them.

Anyone else noticed this?

I feel like people are very self centred and lack manners these days.

When I was little I remember my mum teaching me that if someone said "hello, how are you?" You should answer "fine, thank you. How are you?"

In recent years I've gone to the office on a Monday morning and asked how a colleague's weekend was and how they are. They'd give me chapter and verse about their weekend etc and not asked me once what mine was like or how I was. It's not a post covid thing either (I haven't been into the office much since covid).

I have noticed that people are less likely to want to be asked about their lives. I share what I want to share and expect others to do the same. No more, no less.If they choose not to share, I respect that and don't press for more.

Like everything it varies - I have one friend who never asks about me and so I limit contact with her but another who is a constant questioner and when you ask her she says ‘oh I’m fine, family are fine etc etc’ except they are not and she just doesn’t want to think about them for an hour.

I am trying to lessen the meetings as it makes me feel shit afterwards.

I don't find this typically in my normal conversations with normal people.

But I do find this when it comes to dh's family. I think it's because they honestly don't want to know how I'm doing. Like they are a little bit afraid that asking might lead to a conversation that is deeper than discussing the garden or the weather or the children, and they are massively anxious about having any sort of deeper conversation than surface level stuff. So they don't ever even ask me anything about myself because it might veer into something outside their comfort zone. It's quite odd. They only do small talk and I think they don't care enough about me to do anything but small talk, so they don't!

Other normal people though engage in normal conversations about how I'm doing and what I've been up to.

I haven’t noticed this at all.

Yes, I've noticed this a lot. I thought it was just me. Could be partly due to lockdown, with everyone isolated and focussed on themselves, etc. But I suspect it's more to do with bloody social media (which people immersed themselves in during lockdown). SM has turned everyone into a mini celebrity. We are forced to put our 'story' out there, along with photos and videos, and so on (just like a celebrity). Then we can't get out of the habit. SM has convinced people that their life is more interesting and significant than it really is.

Oh god yes, so many people like this, it's depressing.
I just can't imagine not ever asking someone questions about themselves.

I can see this perspective but I sort of wonder if it’s like the whole ‘love languages’ thing, that different people show friendship in different ways. I have a couple of quite longstanding friends who very rarely ask me about my life and what’s going on in it despite me asking them, but they do show care in other ways, e.g. putting in the work to organise an outing, driving us to an interesting place that might be quite far away in their car (I don’t have one so can’t reciprocate), etc.

Interesting. I have a friend who behaves like your second friend, and I actually think it weirds me out/feels more unfriendly than the friends who don’t ask about me. Someone who pecks at you for details of your own life, but shuts up like an absolute steel trap and offers nothing when you ask them about theirs. I think I’d be more likely to bin a ‘friend’ off for that reason tbh. It can feel really hurtful when someone takes your intimacy but refuses to share any of their own with you - like being physically shoved away.

@jacksonspring I do think you have a point here, I had a friend in my 20's and I did feel like she never made time for me as when she would arrange to meet me she was always doing something else at the same time and it felt like she was just trying to squeeze me in while doing other stuff and that I wasn't important enough for her to put some proper time aside for even though I was travelling an hour by bus to visit her. Looking back this was just how she was and I shouldn't have taken it so personally, we were friends but not very close friends. I tended to prefer feeling a deeper connection and not every friendship has to be that way.

It's a fair point. You have to start somewhere and you don't want to go in immediately with "how's your marriage?" or something.

But at the same time you do want there to be some engagement and progression and for the relationship to develop. If someone appears to be asking inane and box-ticking questions to pass the time then eventually I just lose interest. No one wants friends who are all surface and no depth.

It’s not new, it depends on the person. I like to time how long before my mum asks how I am/ what I and the family have been up to. It can be several hours. She’s always been like that. She’s currently talking at me and not noticing I’m only half paying attention.

Yes, I've noticed. The amount of times I sit through what feels like a one sided monologue and I say this as someone with a genuine interest in other people. It's almost as if the other person isn't even aware of your presence and is just airing their thoughts out loud. Then they finish without the slightest reciprocation, not even for good manners sake. I assumed it was because I was becoming less tolerant as I got older but I'm not so sure.

Yes! This is my experience too OP. I thought it was just my friends that had taken a selfish streak. All me me me me and never a reciprocal how are you? what’s going on in your life …..

Yeah, this. I sometimes feel like I struggle to talk with my friends because I know exactly what they've been doing down to each individual meal they've eaten, so I don't really need to ask them anything!

I haven’t noticed this!

Although it’s something my partner does sometimes – we’ll be with his family and he’ll talk about us and what we’ve been up to but not ask stuff back. Makes me cringe! I find myself steering the convo back onto other people 😬🙈

It’s definitely not down to lack of interest on his part – he’s quite close to his family! (Funny as well that I notice he does it mostly with his own family.) I think it’s just obliviousness – maybe because he’s the youngest and he’s used to being asked after by relatives..!?

And with some people just general lack of social grace. Perhaps during lockdown people did just become more self-focused (and not through choice!) and it’s just a hangover as we still slowly emerge from that weird time.

I suppose remote wfh could be a culprit too.

Well I don't use social media so it isn't that.

Interesting. I guess I have friendship requirements: that my friends show an interest in my life.

@starlightcan Perhaps lockdowns and wfh are part of it and people just lost their social skills a bit. I am not sure obliviousness is much of an excuse as on some level that is a choice you make. I think men are a bit more like this than women though.

I can guarantee that everyone who says ‘no, I haven’t found that to be the case!’ is a non-reciprocal elevenerife-er

You’re not being unreasonable OP, there are SO MANY people who don’t reciprocate in conversations, it’s the height of rudeness.

PS How are you doing, btw? How’s work/life/the family?

I find social media really useful as a conversation starter. I know they have only put the good bits on there so ask what it was really like.

People are rude sometimes and self absorbed. I have noticed that many people I know have no clue what I do. Because they do not ask.

Therefore YANBU

I have to be really conscious of not doing this, because I'm terrible at small talk and it doesn't come naturally to me to ask questions about people's lives. I have a lovely colleague who always asks me about my kids, my weekend etc so I make a conscious effort to reciprocate and I'm definitely getting better at it!