To charge son rent if he's away for the week?

[tropicalcocktails]

Ds late 20s still lives at home but has family in another part of the country, he has just announced he's going to visit his other parent for the week.
We normally charge him a weekly contribution and at this current time money is pretty tight so we need him to contribute.
We have 2 young children who share a room as he still lives with us.
He's suddenly sprung this on us and as he now won't expect to pay his contribution next week that's money we will now have to find.

AIBU to think that as we don't have that bedroom free for our other children who share and I'll still have his washing to do and the fact he has known about this visit for weeks but didn't think he needed to tell us his plans which has now left us short he should still pay his contribution?

Nobody ever "taught" me how to do laundry. My mum always did it, then when I went to university I managed to work it out for myself. If you put on a wash for someone, you are not preventing them from developing the ability themselves.

Christ alive there are some Angry Posters!!

Newsflash - people live different types of life.

Maybe the OP makes his packed lunch because she is being kind. Maybe it doesn't mean that he'd NEVER BE ABLE TO DO IT?

Maybe his laundry gets chucked in with everyone elses and it's not a massive deal?

I say these things, as my dear old Mum was very kind when I was in my 20s, and wouldn't allow me to even wash up even though she was working as well. It's called 'being nice' and last time I checked - it's not a crime.

It didn't turn me into a monstrous person unable to do anything. I do all the cleaning/washing/cooking stuff - as does my DH. And I always remember my Mum's kindness and being supportive of me.

Life is not always about money either.

A guy in his late twenties still lives at home, has his washing done, his lunches packed for him, dinner cooked for him and has absolutely zero chores?

Ick. Sorry.

(I'm roughly the same age.) He needs to be more self sufficient and you need to stop enabling him and make him do more.

If he works full time and is the highest earner in the house, where is all his money going then if he can't pay a weeks rent? Has he really got zero savings that he can't dip into to pay the rent?

He's either lying or very shit with money.

He needs to get his shit together and grow up.

I would want him to move out too if he was doing fuck all around the house and taking the piss with rent money.

Yep. And if he did his own more electric and water costs etc

Hmm he's not eating any food, he's not using any electric ...

@littleblackcat27 I agree. It's almost as if some people view their children as lodgers when they become adults, instead of members of the family. It does seem to be all about £££.

Part of one’s job as a parent is to teach kids how to leave the nest, be independent and look after themselves.

If he was late teens you might have a point. But he’s late 20s, his mother complains he lives like a teen, and this is a problem she has created herself.

In this case taking responsibility for DS’s catering, laundry etc isn’t “nice” it’s just teaching him laziness, entitlement and codependence. He has no incentive to leave home when he’s basically living in a hotel.

Does he actually know how to cook or do laundry? Many men with these kinds of mothers don’t. And they then expect their partners to do it for them and act put upon when it expected to do any domestic work at all.

@crumblingschools

crumblingschools · Yesterday 22:49

@LuckySantangelo35 many young adults are still living at home well into their 20s. He does have it cushy when it comes to chores, wouldn’t want to be his partner!

But OP seems to be resentful that he is taking up a bedroom. It’s like she got a new partner started a new family and wanted her eldest to move out”

I would want him to move out too if he was doing fuck all around thecrumblingschools · Yesterday 22:49

This! Op is not unreasonable for wanting her late twenties
Son to move out! He can go into a houseshare

@Maireas
@littleblackcat27

it is about money though. Because not everyone can afford to have another adult live with them rent free forever and use gas, electricity etc. because that’s what he is at this point - another adult. He’s their son yes but this doesn’t mean he lives on fresh air.

You sound quite privileged to not be aware that some families will need all the adults who live their to pay their way and contribute to the bills , mortgage/ rent, etc

“A guy in his late twenties still lives at home, has his washing done, his lunches packed for him, dinner cooked for him and has absolutely zero chores?

Ick. Sorry. “

there is this as well. It will be quite off putting to a lot of women and men.

I feel for his partner / future partner. If he can get one.

I'm happily married but if I came across a guy like this when dating I'd give it a wide berth. Too much enabling, lots of lazy sloppy behaviour. I did date a guy who still lived at home, had all his needs pandered to. It was so off putting. Mummy even plated up his breakfast every morning and made his bed. Safe to say the dating didn't progress any further.

If OPs son is really 'saving for a deposit' then he can dip into those savings and pay his rent.
If he's the highest earner in the house and can't afford a weeks rent payment he's shit with money too.

Neither of us have said that, nor claimed that.
Clearly, if you're living in poverty, anyone in the household capable of earning should contribute. If the OP and her husband, both earning, need this young man's rent to survive, so be it.
If missing one week of the payment is going to be significant though, then they are going to have to evict him and get a proper paying lodger with terms and conditions.
My point is that a family member isn't a lodger and shouldn't be treated as such.

Totally agree with this . I lived at home until I was 21 , I didn’t pay rent and my mum who was a SAHM a did the washing and cooking . I did help around the house and contribute towards the upkeep of our horses . When I moved out I was perfectly able to do the laundry , cook and budget for my household expenses . Children don’t learn to budget by having money taken off them it’s how you bring them up . I fully agree that if your family circumstances mean everyone who is working has to contribute then that is what needs to happen but they are family members not lodgers .

MikeRafone · Yesterday 17:20

why do you do the laundry for a grown man?”

I do laundry for our grown man (20). There are just 3 of us here now and one laundry basket. I do lights/darks loads twice a week and it’s cheaper for his to go in with the rest. Also he works two days each week (anti social hours at weekends) and studies 4. I don’ t do paid work. It’s no skin off my nose.

I know this thread is about adult DC but I used to buy into the whole communal laundry is just as easy thing then when my DH retired last year I decided I wasn’t going to do any of his. TBH is been liberating and has saved me lots of time. I love getting back from holiday knowing I’m going to do my own washing.

I do laundry for our grown man (20). There are just 3 of us here now and one laundry basket. I do lights/darks loads twice a week and it’s cheaper for his to go in with the rest. Also he works two days each week (anti social hours at weekends) and studies 4. I don’ t do paid work. 7It’s no skin off my nose.
I doubt most people are in the fortunate position (unless caused by ill health obviously) of not having to work with a 20 year old at home.
In fact all of the families I know with children older than primary school age have 2 working parents, mostly full time for both of them.
It really is no wonder women feel run ragged when adult children are treated like babies up to their 30's and beyond.
Funnily enough in my late 20's I had two young children, my own home and no one to make me a packed lunch and do my washing, I really can't think how I ever managed without mummy and daddy picking up after me🤣

RosesAndGin

I’m in the fortunate position of not working at nearly 60 because my disabled husband works full time. His earning capacity is far greater than mine but it leaves him unable to do pretty much anything else in the home. So, I do it all. Gardens, housework, maintenance, decorating and repairs, etc, . Our grown man pays rent and cooks (sometimes my husband does, because he enjoys it). I expect to be his carer within the next 10 years or so.

Really no need to be so snotty. I can’t remember the last time we were called mummy and daddy.

I totally agree, I'm in my late twenties. Have my own home, married, have young child.

No one makes my packed lunches or does my washing. I couldn't imagine being a cock lodger at home now, moaning about paying a WEEKS rent whilst swanning off on holiday.

Part of being a parent is bringing up your child to flee the nest, build their own lives so that they no longer rely on you.
If your child who is practically 30 years old is relying on you to make their packed lunches and do their laundry, and is shit with money even though they're the highest earner in the house, I'd be rethinking my behaviour and stop the enabling.

Queue a post on MN some years later from the partner of this bloke moaning that they don't do anything round the house in AIBU.

No, it doesn't mean treating their kid like a lodger. It's doing your part as a parent raising your children to be self sufficient.

And all the posters on here saying 'it didn't make me less self sufficient that mum did my washing / I never had to pay rent as mum was SAHM' that's great. You're fortunate that you come from a financial comfortable family. It's obvious OP relies on her sons money, and her son can't even respect his parents enough to give them rent money whilst he's on holiday. Yes he won't be contributing to the gas and electric that week, but if I go on holiday I still have to pay my bills. The bank and the other companies I pay bills to don't freeze my payments when I go on holiday. Such is life.

There are a number of enabling / enmeshed parents on MN that end up raising lazy manchildren who will forever be a mummies boy and their life partner will always become second. And their life partner will be expected to do all the silly shit that these manchildren have had at home as that's where their bar lies.

It's so icky.

If your child who is practically 30 years old is relying on you to make their packed lunches and do their laundry, and is shit with money even though they're the highest earner in the house, I'd be rethinking my behaviour and stop the enabling.It's obvious OP relies on her sons money, and her son can't even respect his parents enough to give them rent money whilst he's on holiday.

Best post. Spot on!

totally agree, I'm in my late twenties. Have my own home, married, have young child.

No one makes my packed lunches or does my washing. I couldn't imagine being a cock lodger at home now, moaning about paying a WEEKS rent whilst swanning off on holiday.

Part of being a parent is bringing up your child to flee the nest, build their own lives so that they no longer rely on you.
If your child who is practically 30 years old is relying on you to make their packed lunches and do their laundry, and is shit with money even though they're the highest earner in the house, I'd be rethinking my behaviour and stop the enabling.

Queue a post on MN some years later from the partner of this bloke moaning that they don't do anything round the house in AIBU.

No, it doesn't mean treating their kid like a lodger. It's doing your part as a parent raising your children to be self sufficient.

And all the posters on here saying 'it didn't make me less self sufficient that mum did my washing / I never had to pay rent as mum was SAHM' that's great. You're fortunate that you come from a financial comfortable family. It's obvious OP relies on her sons money, and her son can't even respect his parents enough to give them rent money whilst he's on holiday. Yes he won't be contributing to the gas and electric that week, but if I go on holiday I still have to pay my bills. The bank and the other companies I pay bills to don't freeze my payments when I go on holiday. Such is life.

There are a number of enabling / enmeshed parents on MN that end up raising lazy manchildren who will forever be a mummies boy and their life partner will always become second. And their life partner will be expected to do all the silly shit that these manchildren have had at home as that's where their bar lies.

It's so icky.”

genuinely honestly truely cannot see how ANYONE could argue with this?!

@MrsSkylerWhite
But you are fortunate that you don't have to work as well.
You do realise that even though both me and DH work 40 hours a week each we still have the same amount of housework to do at the end of the day that you have had the daytime hours to complete?
We both have our own health issues thrown into the mix and it's exhausting, time is a luxury that we don't have and as such our teenagers have to muck in. It doesn't appear to be causing them any harm being a bit more independent and doing the basics for themselves.
I'm not being snotty, I am pointing out that those with the luxury of time can pander to adult children, most of us can't.

totally agree, I'm in my late twenties. Have my own home, married, have young child.

No one makes my packed lunches or does my washing. I couldn't imagine being a cock lodger at home now, moaning about paying a WEEKS rent whilst swanning off on holiday.

Part of being a parent is bringing up your child to flee the nest, build their own lives so that they no longer rely on you.
If your child who is practically 30 years old is relying on you to make their packed lunches and do their laundry, and is shit with money even though they're the highest earner in the house, I'd be rethinking my behaviour and stop the enabling.

Queue a post on MN some years later from the partner of this bloke moaning that they don't do anything round the house in AIBU.

No, it doesn't mean treating their kid like a lodger. It's doing your part as a parent raising your children to be self sufficient.

And all the posters on here saying 'it didn't make me less self sufficient that mum did my washing / I never had to pay rent as mum was SAHM' that's great. You're fortunate that you come from a financial comfortable family. It's obvious OP relies on her sons money, and her son can't even respect his parents enough to give them rent money whilst he's on holiday. Yes he won't be contributing to the gas and electric that week, but if I go on holiday I still have to pay my bills. The bank and the other companies I pay bills to don't freeze my payments when I go on holiday. Such is life.

There are a number of enabling / enmeshed parents on MN that end up raising lazy manchildren who will forever be a mummies boy and their life partner will always become second. And their life partner will be expected to do all the silly shit that these manchildren have had at home as that's where their bar lies.

It's so icky.”

genuinely honestly truly cannot see how ANYONE could argue with this?!

To be honest, it reads to me like the parents rely on him for his income and the things she does like packed lunches is in return for that.

a big abusive to be calling him a cocklodger In your huge rant when the whole premise of the thread is the mother can’t make ends meet if she loses one weeks money even though there will be no costs for him that week.

really ott.

This is what op wrote:

We don't rely on him financially as I said earlier he pays a contribution towards his keep.