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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge son rent if he's away for the week?

276 replies

tropicalcocktails · 06/10/2023 11:47

Ds late 20s still lives at home but has family in another part of the country, he has just announced he's going to visit his other parent for the week.
We normally charge him a weekly contribution and at this current time money is pretty tight so we need him to contribute.
We have 2 young children who share a room as he still lives with us.
He's suddenly sprung this on us and as he now won't expect to pay his contribution next week that's money we will now have to find.

AIBU to think that as we don't have that bedroom free for our other children who share and I'll still have his washing to do and the fact he has known about this visit for weeks but didn't think he needed to tell us his plans which has now left us short he should still pay his contribution?

OP posts:
RosesAndGin · 08/10/2023 12:37

M340 · 08/10/2023 12:24

I totally agree, I'm in my late twenties. Have my own home, married, have young child.

No one makes my packed lunches or does my washing. I couldn't imagine being a cock lodger at home now, moaning about paying a WEEKS rent whilst swanning off on holiday.

Part of being a parent is bringing up your child to flee the nest, build their own lives so that they no longer rely on you.
If your child who is practically 30 years old is relying on you to make their packed lunches and do their laundry, and is shit with money even though they're the highest earner in the house, I'd be rethinking my behaviour and stop the enabling.

Queue a post on MN some years later from the partner of this bloke moaning that they don't do anything round the house in AIBU.

No, it doesn't mean treating their kid like a lodger. It's doing your part as a parent raising your children to be self sufficient.

And all the posters on here saying 'it didn't make me less self sufficient that mum did my washing / I never had to pay rent as mum was SAHM' that's great. You're fortunate that you come from a financial comfortable family. It's obvious OP relies on her sons money, and her son can't even respect his parents enough to give them rent money whilst he's on holiday. Yes he won't be contributing to the gas and electric that week, but if I go on holiday I still have to pay my bills. The bank and the other companies I pay bills to don't freeze my payments when I go on holiday. Such is life.

There are a number of enabling / enmeshed parents on MN that end up raising lazy manchildren who will forever be a mummies boy and their life partner will always become second. And their life partner will be expected to do all the silly shit that these manchildren have had at home as that's where their bar lies.

It's so icky.

Show quote history

Awww M340, are you okay hun? I'm shocked your parents aren't bringing your lunch every day and taking your dirty washing with them when they go!
Icky is definitely the right word for that kind of person....who the hell wants their parents doing everything for them at that age, my teens do more for themselves!

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/10/2023 12:38

@Janieforever

No

if he didn’t live there , their utility bills would be lower, food bills lower etc etc

if he didn’t live there they could get in a lodger if needed who would pay market rate rent and buy their own food etc

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/10/2023 12:58

RosesAndGin

But doing his laundry with ours isn’t pandering? It’s just cheaper.

Missjd87 · 08/10/2023 12:58

Let me try that with my landlord… oh wait.
NTA, he pays it’s that simple.

NeedToChangeName · 08/10/2023 13:06

Mirabai · 07/10/2023 19:45

This. Who’s fault is it that he’s living like a teenager - it’s because his mother is treating him like one.

Show quote history

Perhaps unfair to blame the mother

Why not criticise her partner?

Or the son himself?

Janieforever · 08/10/2023 13:08

Missjd87 · 08/10/2023 12:58

Let me try that with my landlord… oh wait.
NTA, he pays it’s that simple.

What a silly post. He’s living with his mother and father, he pays keep, so for the food he eats and the utilities he uses. It’s quite reasonable not to pay if he will neither eat or use the utilities.

you really can’t see the difference with paying ro rent from a landlord.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/10/2023 13:10

NeedToChangeName · Today 13:06

Mirabai · Yesterday 19:45

This. Who’s fault is it that he’s living like a teenager - it’s because his mother is treating him like one.
Show quote history
Perhaps unfair to blame the mother
**
Why not criticise her partner?
**
Or the son himself?

Get with the programme. It’s always mum’s fault. Surely you knew that?

RosesAndGin · 08/10/2023 13:30

@Janieforever If I go away for a week or two I still pay for the utilities (I can't turn the fridge off, the standing charge still has to be paid) I don't get a two week break off my mortgage. Things have to be paid whether I am home or not.
This man is not a hapless teenager finding his way in the world, he is in his late 20's! Realistically he could have a family of his own to provide for but instead he is whinging about paying board money that he would rather spend on his jollies.
This is exactly where all of the man babies come from in the other countless threads about men who are domestically useless.

crumblingschools · 08/10/2023 13:51

In all fairness it his mum’s house. He is visiting his dad. Yes his dad should be encouraging him to do chores/pay keep/leave home but if mum is happy to do everything for him she might not appreciate her ex getting involved

Tally00 · 08/10/2023 14:46

RosesAndGin · 08/10/2023 12:30

@MrsSkylerWhite
But you are fortunate that you don't have to work as well.
You do realise that even though both me and DH work 40 hours a week each we still have the same amount of housework to do at the end of the day that you have had the daytime hours to complete?
We both have our own health issues thrown into the mix and it's exhausting, time is a luxury that we don't have and as such our teenagers have to muck in. It doesn't appear to be causing them any harm being a bit more independent and doing the basics for themselves.
I'm not being snotty, I am pointing out that those with the luxury of time can pander to adult children, most of us can't.

You don't have time because you choose to sell so much of it.
If you choose to have less luxury's you can sell less time.
Nobody forced you to sell 40 hours of your week every week, you can get by on less especially if there's 2 of you but you can't complain you don't have the time you willingly sold.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/10/2023 15:07

@Tally00

its a bit shit to live with no luxuries though isn’t it

RosesAndGin · 08/10/2023 17:12

@Tally00 Jesus that's the most ridiculous thing I have read on here. Please tell me what luxuries you think I have that I should give up since you clearly know me so well?
Perhaps I should give up work and move my children into a cardboard box under a bridge?
The people that don't have to work 40 hours a week are the ones with the luxury of time.

Johna69 · 08/10/2023 18:20

Bills don't take a holiday.

Joyjoj · 08/10/2023 18:27

Definitely should pay after all if he had his own room/ flat he would have to pay whether there or not,maybe a small discount for food he would have had ,that's life.

ActDottie · 08/10/2023 19:07

If he was renting a room or flat he’d still be paying rent if he went away for a week. At his age as well he should definitely be paying even if he’s not there cuz that’s what working people do! You don’t just not pay a weeks rent cuz you’re going on holiday or something.

AllyArty · 08/10/2023 19:13

How about suggesting he pays 3/4 of the weeks rent?

likethislikethat · 08/10/2023 19:24

Really ? you;re going to be short ?

Assuming he's not giving you £1000 a week, then why have you built a budget including the small amount a child gives you for board ?

What are you going to do when he moves out ?

Yes, I would charge him but more importantly, I would not be living from his hand to my mouth.

MMAS · 08/10/2023 19:37

Sounds like your entitled son is making you pay a price for splitting with his father maybe ? If he earns more than you and current partner why is it even an issue. You are allowing him to live at low rent, all jobs done for him, food on table and still he disrespects you this way ? At 20 I would be telling him find a different lodging for the price he's paying right now and see just how quick he will put money on the table for his rent - I would also be upping whatever you are charging as clearly he is walking all over you.

Thehappygardener · 08/10/2023 20:34

Difficult for you and your son. I think he should pay half or thereabouts. I hope it’s resolved well

PS In my case, I rented my flat (after I moved in with my boyfriend, now husband) to my managers son and his friend who were absolutely desperate for a rental flat after having been evicted. They paid enough to cover my costs, so very reasonably priced, about 1/3 or what they had expected to pay.

BUT when the friend went on holiday for six weeks, he didn’t pay anything for his half of the flat and my tenant didn’t offer to pay his half. So I was out of pocket.

I don’t know if he thought I was his mum or a fairy godmother but I was astounded. That’s when I put the flat on the market!

ScottishWaylander · 08/10/2023 20:35

It's hardly unusual to have an adult child at home these days! Have you looked at the cost of rent?

I agree OP shouldn't be doing his washing though.

Maireas · 08/10/2023 20:36

Very, very different @Thehappygardener - neither were your children.
Bloody CFs, though! I'd be mad.

Mirabai · 08/10/2023 21:39

Floralnomad · 08/10/2023 11:03

Totally agree with this . I lived at home until I was 21 , I didn’t pay rent and my mum who was a SAHM a did the washing and cooking . I did help around the house and contribute towards the upkeep of our horses . When I moved out I was perfectly able to do the laundry , cook and budget for my household expenses . Children don’t learn to budget by having money taken off them it’s how you bring them up . I fully agree that if your family circumstances mean everyone who is working has to contribute then that is what needs to happen but they are family members not lodgers .

Show quote history

And yet many men whose mothers do everything for them never manage to master cooking, laundry, or any other domestic task they don’t fancy. You always knew you would have to do it and probably watched your mum. They never conceive it’s their job and get arsey when their partners expect them to do anything.

Beccy1990 · 08/10/2023 21:52

If he is earning more than you are I would consider putting his rent up.
He’s getting a very good deal, lunch made, washing done and tea cooked plus his own room.
If he is actually saving up for a deposit and has a plan to move out then I think it’s good to support that with reduced rent but if he’s just planning on living with you for the long term then he needs to start paying a more equal contribution especially since your struggling and the cost of living is only going up.
In answer to your question yea he should still pay his rent if he’s not there for a week.

AudentesFortunaIuvat · 09/10/2023 00:28

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 07/10/2023 18:27

He gets it quite easy he gets a packed lunch for work and an evening meal with the family, all washing done, has no chores to do

And he's in his late 20s?

Bloody Hell.

Exactly. OP, you have raised an absolute man-child and need to correct this pronto, for his own sake and that of any future partners. Stop enabling him, give him a date that he is required to move out permanently, and start working on yourself as there’s clearly some deep seated issues there that have prevented you from making him an independent, fully functioning adult at an age-appropriate point. A packed lunch every day in his late 20’s????!!!! Jesus Lord. I’m literally embarrassed for you.

Grrrrdarling · 09/10/2023 00:59

@tropicalcocktails Yes you do because if he was renting/buying his own place he would still pay rent/mortgage on that even if he wasn’t there due to staying at friends or going on holiday!
Bills don’t become unpayable just because you aren’t ‘at home’ for an extended length of time!

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