Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

Simply having your own house is making your life so much easier, but you don't think about it because it's there.

Imagine renting, getting notice again and again that the landlord is selling, but having primary or secondary school age children, that must stay local to their school. It's a nightmare.

You can still do well, and at least you tried. Better than the people caught in a "I could have wouldhave done xyz if I hadn't had my kids".

You’re not that old but get you’ll be a fair bit older if you have 3. You don’t need to have a 3rd though, bearing in mind cost of kids and fact you will might have a lot less energy by then. But then my brother is 48 and had baby no 3, his other 2 kids are in their 20’s. He’s definitely struggling energy wise but he’s 10yrs older than you’d be and he’s also working mad shifts to accommodate no childcare costs between him and his wife. I had my first at 16, last at 31 and I do feel I’m waiting for my youngest to hit 18 now, and go travelling etc. But I didn’t do that when younger so most won’t feel like that.

What exactly do you regret? I had mine at nearly 42. Don't regret a thing. DH and I are financially and emotionally secure. We have both lived a great life with loads of travel before settling down. So now we are quite happy having a quieter family life, although there is plenty of life left in us yet!! I think you are making yourself older than you need to be.

My mum had me at 35 and I'm now mid 20s I appreciate having a mum who had life experience tbh

If you want 3 maybe start trying second at 33 ideally born 34 with third at 36?

I had 2 at 21/24 found it hard being young, inexperienced, poor and being married to a idiot but had so much energy.
Had third at 37, financially secure, lots of support, amazing husband but so exhausting.

I wouldn't say you are old now.

Your not an old mam OP - i am - I was 41 when I had mine. I do worry about him and the future as a result. Looking back it I think it was a selfish decision, but no point wasting time regretting it - he's very loved.

i had my DDs at almost 33. I loved having our 20s to ourselves to have fun.

Patronising bollocks.

As a young parent I still:
Got several degrees
Lived in a shared house for some time
Learned to drive
Went on holiday with friends and with my dc
Got my own house
And have lots of fun with my own family now

No desire to travel or party and wouldn't do it even if I didn't become a parent. Bit sad if your entire life depends on travelling to be happy. Must be miserable the other 330 days of the year. Especially if you have dc now. Oh dear.

It's a shame that people are being condescending to younger mums. It's okay whatever you think and this post is about my own genuine feelings and it's good to know that I am not too old to have DCs

@Amotherlife · Today 19:31

I feel sad for people who have babies in their 20s. It's like they're barely grown up and have had no time to work out who they are or what they want from life. My 20s were halcyon days - had loads of fun, met lots of people and had lots of great experiences. Accidentally got pregnant at 24, and though it wasn't an easy choice, and I did feel sad about it for a while, I terminated as I felt I'd just started my proper adult life, being only 3 months into my first professional post. (And no thoughts of marrying my then boyfriend.)

There are plenty of benefits and upsides to having children younger (I don't mean 16!) but like early to mid 20s. I would much rather myself, or a child of mine had 2 kids by 25-26, than not start til they're 43-44!

The kids will still be at school when you're 60! Errr no thanks! Also, when they have babies of their own, you'll very likely be 70-odd, and incapable of helping them because of declining health, poor eyesight, poor hearing, painful/stiff joints etc.

If THEY decide to leave having kids til 43-44, you'll be in your late 80s by the time your grandkids are born! (Or even worse, no longer here.)

Far better to have them at 23-24 than 43-44, for so many reasons. Even so, around 28-29 is probably the most ideal time IMO. But better 23-24 than 43-44 IMO.

To suggest that if you have children in your 20s, that's your life ruined is ludicrous, incorrect, and plain daft. Also, your '20s' is not the only decade you can have lots of fun and good times in.

And shocker! You can still have loads of fun, days and weeks away, and great times with children!!! I know! Weird right!

Shoulda woulda coulda

Live with your choices.

I do get what you're saying, but nothing positive will come from wishing you did something you didn't, and if you keep dwelling on it there is a major risk that your kids will pick up on the fact that you're not happy and that will damage your relationship. Be the grown up.

I would focus on the fact that you can still enjoy their childhood, whereas if you'd had kids 10 years ago they would already be half way grown. Feel happy about the choices you made.

Yeah you're not an old mum in your mid 30s! Not a YOUNG age to have your first exactly, but not 'old.'

And you're right, the rude and unpleasant comments aimed at young mums on here are so horrible.

God forbid you say anything against 'older mums' though

I think kids are great at whatever age you have them.

They're also hard work at whatever age you have them.

And they will disrupt your life at whatever age you have them.

But you can still have a life at whatever age you have them.

There are pros and cons. I don't think it's a competition or one decision is better than another.

The past is the past. You can't change it. Don't spend your time dwelling on what ifs and if onlys. That's a really fast route to bitterness and envy.

Celebrate what you have. A beautiful child, a lovely relationship, a secure home, a good income and a career.

And get a health check.

I feel it had big advantages being an older mum. I had mine at same age to yourself, but looking back I had a great child free life in my 20’s. Travelling, lots of holidays with boyfriends and friends. I havefriends who had dcs when early 20’s, and at 40 were trying to re-live what they missed out on pre-children. Not as much fun in your 40’s as in your care free 20’s though..

@Fleabane thank you 😊 💐

Mine born at 32, 35 and 39. The only thing I do wonder is whether having them closer together might have been easier. Feels like we have been in the baby/toddler age forever!

I had my first at 36. Not out of choice but a long battle with infertility. In another life my oldest would be coming up ten now not one but it’s how it’s worked out and I can’t imagine being without him. Sometimes the decision is taken away from us and we’re lucky we have them when we do.

I wouldn’t say you’re an older mum though

I had mine at 30, 32 and 35. Glad to have had my 20s without children and able to be fairly selfish with my earnings. Plenty of friends similar ages.

It’s really lovely to have retired last year while my grandchildren are still little. I’d have hated working full time and not being able to help.

Like others I wouldn’t see you as an older mum at all. You’ve made an entirely rational decision. Life with small children is tiring however old you are. Realistically if you want 3 that is going to take time. 37 doesn’t sound old for number 3 either. Everyone. I know with 3 either has two and a surprise third some years later or seems to have planned a max 2 year gap between them.

Realistically do you think things would be better for you if you started 4 years early and were less financially secure? I’m not sure why you think you’d be any less tired? I feeel like I’d struggle with a baby now but that is beside my children are now primary and have reached a different life stage- it is nothing to do with my age or health.

I opened this thread thinking you had your first baby at 40+ !!!!!

You're not an older mum though. I had my first at 38 and my second at 41. At 41 I'd say I was an older Mum. At 38, not so much.

Um I thought you'd be 10 years older than what you actually are by the sounds of the start of the post. You are not an older mum, not even medically. Yes I am an older mum, more financially secure than 10 years ago, but we can't predict the future. So go for it.

I don’t think 31 is old but I do know what you mean. I am 30, single and childless after having spent my 20s doing what I thought I should be doing and building a career. I moved a long way away from home for a (very good) job, did long hours, lots of exams, didn’t go on holiday, didn’t really make friends there.. But actually I hate my job, am behind my peers, want to change career but have no idea what!

There are other factors at play for me but I just wish I hadn’t wasted all that time on this stupid career. I have friends that feel the same. I do wonder if our generation were pushed to be “career girls” more than previous generations because it wasn’t available to them in the way it is to us.