Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

You're being a bit ridiculous thinking 32 makes you an older mum. I was 34 and only able to have one child. Be grateful you appear able to have more than one when you're still technically 'young'.

I had my kids at 37, 38 and 40 I feel lucky I had a great life and a good career before I had them and my life experiences helped me become a good Mom.

I genuinely have no idea why you're calling yourself an "older mum" Surely you know that's not true?

Had mine at 39 and 42. Wouldn't change a thing and hope my children at least wait until they reach 30 before having children.

You're not an older mum, you are the average age for first time mum 🙄

We had four in five years. Sometimes I think that more spaced out would have been easier, as we always had another one coming through so there was less time to enjoy each as an individual.

Your grass looks really green from where I'm standing.

i had mine when i was a few months off 24 and 30.1/2

i was with their dad from age 18 and both were tried for and very wanted and i was very surprised when i did get pregnant as i have severe PCOS and ive never had a period ,2nd took 4 years of clomid tablets.

no idea how both were conceived with zero periods but they were.

we were together 22 years in total and never used any contraception(both each others firsts and i was supposed to be infertile) so i would have had as many as came along at any age

im 42 now nearly 43 and im desperate for another one.
trouble is ive no man anymore as he left me for my ex BF in 2020

your age its very normal, so many start way later

a close friend had a baby at 53 in feb her 9th. she's also 7 months pregnant with her 10th and 11th she will be 54 when they are born

just cant believe how fertile she is for her age and how she catches so quick
she takes a herbal version of clomid and a Chinese medicine herb for fertility and is adamant its works

she started at 42 and just continued, 8 and 9 are 8 months apart as 9th came 2 months early

all home births as well as SIL is a midwife but very small babies as they are between 4-5llbs
babies 8 and 9 have down syndrome as do baby 10 and 11 but shes not bothered

4 oldest have asd or adhd and its very probable that the younger ones do as well they are just to young to get diagnosed
dad has ASD and gets his own disability money for it

so the DLA money (and all the other benefits that come with it) they get coming in is well in the thousands

kids are well looked after though and well loved and they are a happy family

all breastfed as well even the oldest ones
they turn up to groups in 2 mini vans

she's part off my home education group and they are the hippy vegan non vaccine type.
im trained in asd(i have a ex with it and 2 kids and taken courses which resulted in a qualification)so i help her out as i understand the kids needs
this is a extreme example i know but these type of older mothers do exist

so a lot of people think as long as your bodies capable to and you can support them why not

not all families do childcare, nurseries or school(well not in the home education community i know of)so don't have to think about that cost

How would you know if you have never travelled? You don't know what you are missing.

That's the point about being "older" mums. We know we are not missing out on anything. Best of both world. Loving the smug "oh dear" 😁

Life is too short to be miserable, but 30s is still so young. You've build a cv, you gained some experience. You haven't wasted time. You're only wasting time now if you think you are "too old and stuck there forever".

Do you think, perhaps, that if you'd had your DC when you were younger you might have then regretted not becoming financially stable first? You might have regretted not being able to give your DC financial security, or being as stable in your home as you might have wanted.

I think it's a case of the grass always being greener on the other side, and hindsight really is a wonderful thing.

As PP have said, you're honestly not old at 32, and I think you've been really smart about it.

I always wanted DC but was never with the right person. I fell pregnant accidentally at age 34, and gave birth to twins. I split with bio dad and he has never been seen again, nor contributed a penny. I got together with a lovely man - who I'd known as a friend for many years - and we planned to have a third child together. As it turned out, both my DC were autistic and my DS in particular has very high needs.

Due to the high SEN needs of DS, it just wasn't ever possible to have another child. He's still like a 6 yr old, and he's 14 years old next month. I desperately wanted to have a child with someone, rather then going through it on my own, and it took a while to accept that it just wasn't viable. I'm now 47 and I'm OK with things - I have two beautiful DC and a lovely DP and that's what matters.

My point is, we all could have regrets with how things have turned out. So very rarely do things pan out as we thought they would. By lingering on regrets and wishing you could change the past, you're only leaving yourself open to feeling sad. Truly, that way madness lies!!

I've found it helpful to try and reframe life in terms of what you gained by making the choices that you did, rather than what you lost out on. So by waiting until age 32, you've been able to give your DC a stable home life where you're financially secure, and you have the option to try for further DC without worrying about whether you can afford to do so. It sounds to me that things have turned out wonderfully and I reckon in 10 years time you might look back and feel the same - but in the meantime, do get those iron levels checked!

There's pluses and negatives to every age. I had my first at 26 and I was the first in my friendship group to have kids. I think it was a great age and I was ready, but I have struggled financially as I wasn't able to move up in my career etc which I might have done had I waited and had kids later.

Such is life and you can never know how things would have turned out but I kinda get it. I have young parents and they had complete freedom when I was 19 and went to uni, they were 41! They have a great life, and will be around for their grandchildren.

Having a child later means you won't be around for them as long and being 50 with a teenager is less than ideal with menopause, cancer, elderly parents to care for.

I would have loved to have met DP when I was younger. But I didn't. So I'm 35 and looking to have my first baby.

No no, I don’t think I’m too old or anything, I agree 30 is so young! I have a good CV and I’m willing to make the change.. I just literally have no idea what else I would do! So for now I coast in this job because at least it pays my bills ☺️

You're not an older mum...

Hey don't waste a minute in regret. They'll grow up quickly. Just enjoy them. My niece has just had a baby 3 months before her 39th birthday. First child, and married since age 26. She has no regrets, and you're not really an old mother.

i had my first at 37 and second at 40. you aren't really that old so i think yabu. to an extent i think it's wrong that things are so expensive that leaving kids until later life makes sense and women have to gamble with their fertility or not be financially very comfortable. but that's the trade off. i would like to have started earlier so i could have had 4 or 5 children but then i think that would have been very difficult at any age and I'm just very happy to have two wonderful children and to be able to give them a financially comfortable life. i have no regrets about that.

I don’t think you can say you’re an older mum if you had your first dc in your early thirties! It’s easy to say that in hindsight you wished you hadn’t worried etc but you don’t know how things would’ve gone if you’d have had kids earlier. You might have struggled financially and all had a worse quality of life, you might have not been so stable in your marriage and ended up separating and we can safely say that’s no walk in the park as a single parent etc. So I do think YABU a bit! X

That sounds young to me. I had my first child at age 37. No problems due to ‘age’. It just took that long to get pregnant (9 years), so I didn’t really have any control over the age at which I had my baby. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Your timeline sounds very normal to me, first child at 32, 3rd at 37, totally normal and on track. You are a spring chicken! Enjoy your youth, you’re not an older mum at all, I’m not sure why you think that. Some women begin in early 20s but so what. So much depends on when you marry or find a partner, how long it takes to conceive, career and other concerns and life issues. Has someone told you that you are an ‘older’ mum? If so, ignore them, they’re being malicious or jealous or weird.

I regret it, but it wasn't my fault. I desperately wanted children in my early-mid 20s, but it takes two! So I wasn't able to until I was 37. I had a terrible life beforehand, no fun in my 20s or early 30s, just constant bereavements and no career as a result, on top of the fear of infertility.

Now I have DC my life is infinitely happier, but I would much rather I'd been younger and fitter, as the exhaustion during perimenopause and building up a career while juggling childcare was killing.

However, having children while suffering those bereavements would also have been debilitating.

I'm so thankful to have some period of happiness now, while I can!

You wouldn’t have the same child/ children you have now if you’d of had them earlier so that’s one way to look at it.

This is definitely how I would (and do) look at it. I couldn’t have had the same children at any other time. So regrets about the timing of having my children are regrets about those specific children. And I don’t regret them at all.

I don't consider that older in any way, when I saw the "headline" I thought it was going to be about having kids in your late 30's to early 40's. I don't think there is a perfect age to have a child, well biologically there is I guess. However, we are complex beings and so many factors affect when we have children. I was in my late 20's which at the time was considered quite old but even then I had a couple of mates who were having their first at 34. As long as women are ovulating and having sex then some of them will conceive, my grandma had the first of her 7 children at 22 and her last at 43. So did my mother in law,

@EaudeJavel get a life, please. Are you that miserable that you want to bring other people down to your level.

I don't want to travel. Wouldn't have travelled. Plenty of people don't travel. Is your world that small?

Also, it's not an older mum thing. Most older mums are lovely and not at all rude.

Haven’t RTFT but I think having a house and being financially secure before having children is the ideal scenario. Also you really are not an old mum. I had mine at 40 and 42, ideally would have had them mid 30’s but it wasn’t my fate. I’m a big believer in things happen for a reason.

I started at 30 and feel like a really young mum 😂 most people I know started their family at around 35.
Society nowadays in the western world is not set up to support mothers in their twenties and it can be challenging for them so don't think I could have managed younger.
Do you think it could be a bit of shoulda, woulda, coulda? I sometimes regret not travelling more before conceiving but the truth is my priority was a family.

I hear you OP. I had my children older. I think I would have liked to be a young parent

But, my sis had a family young. She thinks I was wise to wait

Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side

I had my first young… a lovely surprise, I was lucky in that the dad - my now husband is everything I could wish for and we’re still going strong 17 odd years on from our first. But it was hard, establishing careers with young children, saving desperately to buy a property and finding time for each other. I have no regrets but we missed out on a lot. I certainly wouldn’t want my children to have babies as young as we were. Would be delighted if they waited till they were secure and had experienced more then I had. There’s advantages and disadvantages at any age. I try and be grateful for what we have and not what might have been.