Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

I don't think 35 is an older mum. In a lot of trusts now a mum is classed as older if she is over 40. 34 is young to be feeling low on energy. To be honest, getting proper quality sleep, a good diet, and exercise (ie being generally healthy) probably makes as much difference as having a kid a few years earlier. Sometimes I do think 'what if...' but I think I'd regret not having the amazing times we had in our late 20s and early 30s if we'd had kids young

I had dc in my teen's, 20's, 30's and 1 at 43.. Downsides to all ages ime.

A very small but detailed study

The data set of 2226 women born between 1624 and 1715
These women bore their last child at an average age of 41.5 years...

it's hardly a modern concept to have a child past your 30s

Im as perplexed as the other posters, OP! I was ever so slightly older than you (34 then 36) and never considered myself an older mum. When I started going to baby groups most of the other mums were my age or older. The couple of women in their late twenties were the outliers.
I do know a lot of people from my home town who had kids much younger so from 18 onwards. But that was never ever for me. Parenting is hard and it's a commitment. I can look back fondly on my 20s when DH and I spent our time travelling/ socialising/ building our careers without worrying about nursery fees etc. I feel lucky to have had all those experiences and having got a lot out of my system, so now I don't feel I've missed out on things when my life now has to revolve around my DC.

I wouldn't rule out a 3rd yet. You do still have time. You could easily have your 3rd at 37/38.

I was 32 conceiving DD1 and 33 having her. I conceived DC2 at 36 will be almost 37 when she is born.

I maybe wish I had started trying for DC2 3-6 months earlier but Im happy with what I did with my life before we had children and I don't think I could have coped with a very small age gap x

I had my first at 41, second at 42 and I don't feel like an old mum. Although objectively I know I am.
No reasons as noble as yours for leaving it till my 40s. Just far too busy having fun. Some people would rather have them young, some would rather wait. I don't think you'll find many that think 32 is older mother territory though.

I've been with my husband since we were 23 and 24 respectively, and we didn't start trying for a baby til we were 33 and 34. We spent our 20s and early 30s travelling, enjoying living in London with disposable income and no responsibilities like a child, and building our careers to an extent. I had my son at 35, and if I had tried any other time it wouldn't have been this specific boy I had so I count my lucky stars we spent 12 years together as a two and ended up with our boy, and I have to say the trials and tribulations of the newborn phase was easier to bear knowing we'd had so much unlimited time together before when we became ships in the night!

Hindsight is 2020 but nothing can be changed now, enjoy your family and don't worry age is just a number :)

You're low on energy because you've a baby.

One of the reasons for my post is that I chased career but I don't feel I am doing as well as I thought I will be doing and earning at 34 😕 So, I feel I might have been better off focussing more on growing my own family.

@Oldermumhum

I thought you were going to say you were 42-45 or something. Now that I would understand. I would never choose to have a baby over 41-42 years old. But early to mid 30s, is hardly an 'older mum.'

You're overreacting massively.

I prioritised these things in my 30s as I wasn’t ready to become a mum (was single too) and then became a mum for the first time in my mid 40s. A third of DC’s friends at school have mums who were in their 40s when they were born (village primary). It’s not a big deal.

Honestly don't feel sad for those who have a family in their 20s. If I had waited until my 40s (my health is f*cked) then I wouldn't have had any at all.

@Oldermumhum I wonder if the issue is where you live? Do you feel 'old' compared to the other mums around you?

My youngest DD (born when I was 33) was asked by one of her schoolmates why her grandparents collected her from school. Those GPs were DH and me!

The catchment for her school was in an area with a large number of mums who were in their teens/early 20s when they had their children. DH & I looked ancient by comparison.

Theres no point regretting it, it’s what felt right at the time.

You wouldn’t have the same child/ children you have now if you’d of had them earlier so that’s one way to look at it.

There are other issues here OP. You don't feel you're earning enough? Then look at why and change that. So you need to focus on getting a for promotion? Or were your expectations unrealistic.

You don't have much energy because kids are exhausting. It's normal, but won't last.

Don't regret what you can't change - but focus on what you can change.

Fwiw due to infertility I didn't have mine until late 30s/40. I would have preferred having them earlier, but the alternative is not having them at all, and that's just unthinkable

I was 31 when I had DS1 and 35 when I had DS2. No regrets. I feel like they keep me young. Also, I don't have any regret (as some of my friends do) about what I was able to do and accomplish before I had kids. Not that I can't do and accomplish plenty now, it's just different. But I'm not sad I don't need to wait till they're grown to travel the world and do see and lots of amazing things till I retire. Which is probably good because at this rate I won't be able to afford to retire 😬

That isn't old.

In my NCT class, I was one of the youngest, and I was in my mid (late-ish) 30s. The average age of a first-time mum in the UK is around 31.

Don't get your zimmer frame out just yet!

The grass is always greener I think. I sometimes feel envious of friends who had kids younger and are now getting their lives back but at the same time I was a total fruit loop in my 20s and I didn’t finish exams etc to qualify till my early 30s. Our lives are absolutely more stable and the kids have a great life because our careers are established. We’re still broke though 😂

Older mum here. First at 38, second at 41. The only regret I have is that I'm going through my menopause and my DD is going through teenage hormones and it's a recipe for disaster!

Putting aside any idea of offence, I get where you are coming from OP you feel it was was old for you and it is not a personal offence to anyone else. I never had ds until I was 35 and although it is not uncommon, even more common in modern times, it doesn't change many biological facts.

There are lots of reasons I regret being an "older mum". Regrets personal to me and my circumstances and while I think about them sometimes I don't dwell on them.

dc2 never happened and time ran out on the oldest we were willing to keep TTC.

My ds had a brilliant relationship with his grandpa, but then had to watch his health deteriorate as he struggled to breathe with COPD and then lose him at just 10 years old (because I was also born when my parents were "older", as I was their 4th dc). My dad would have been a brilliant role model for him through his teen years.

His exam/teen years coincided with menopause, my mum being elderly/ill and needing a lot of support. And dealing with that, raising a teen, supporting exams, together with FT work was a tough few years. And I lost a lot of my own identity during those years and still trying to find it again now.

I am aware, if ds follows the same timescales, I am unlikely to be a grandparent until I am in my late 60s/early 70s and like my dad I possibly/probably will not see that grandchild grow to adulthood. I have friends/family around the same age as me who have dgc ranging from babies to teenagers and I am jealous that is still at least 10-15 years away for me. I am making do for now spoiling my beautiful great-niece.

Conversely, because we were financially secure and secure in our relationship by the time we had ds we have lasted the distance, we have been able to do significant things for ds we might have struggled with if we had him earlier and not had the same career/job progression. He was raised by mature, steady and calm parents that loved every part of parenting, even the hard parts, and that also helped to mould him into the lovely young man he is today.

You have no idea how life would have turned out if you had your dc younger. You will have had different regrets, everyone has them! Take what you have as it doesn't sound too bad, count your blessings, put your regrets aside, and simply enjoy your old age 🤣 parenthood.

I really don’t think you’re an older mum at all. My mum had me at 34 had my sister at 42 and everything is just fine, if that makes you feel better

Oh come on. That’s not “older mum” 😂
there is literally no problem to have a third child at 37 and 42!

Lots of useful suggestions, definitely need to get my iron levels checked

honestly you’re not that old. I had my first at 39, I’m 40 now and would desperately like another and I really do feel annoyed stmysel I didn’t start much earlier.

Late? All of my friends bar one started their families in their 30’s and many completed them in their mid-40’s. 37 and 42 would be very average, not considered late at all.

My oldest Mum friend was 47 when her last (surprise) child!