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Original poster

Regret being older mum

506 replies

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:27

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

OP posts:
TiredCatLady · 05/10/2023 19:31

31 isn’t late by the average age now and is positively young by a sample of my friend group! Most of them are having kids in their 40s.

Guess it’s about perspective.

Amotherlife · 05/10/2023 19:31

I feel sad for people who have babies in their 20s. It's like they're barely grown up and have had no time to work out who they are or what they want from life. My 20s were halcyon days - had loads of fun, met lots of people and had lots of great experiences. Accidentally got pregnant at 24, and though it wasn't an easy choice, and I did feel sad about it for a while, I terminated as I felt I'd just started my proper adult life, being only 3 months into my first professional post. (And no thoughts of marrying my then boyfriend)

1month · 05/10/2023 19:31

You’re not old and you don’t need 3 kids.

Just have the second whilst you’re still younger and you’ll have more energy than if you have 3 kids.

FWIW I had my child young and we don’t have the stability that you do and your children will benefit from it.

Whats done is done and you need to think of the positives.

Pandora2011 · 05/10/2023 19:34

I had all my 3 in my twenties and where me and my DH don’t regret having them young as lots of pros there too, we do sometimes think perhaps would have been nice to have them later on. Reasons being that we had a lot on our plate at a young age such as pressure to save for a mortgage fast, high outgoings and lack of family support. In our current situation we would be minus the financial worries and have the maturity to enjoy every moment. Plenty of parents have children alot older than 30’s though and I do believe that being a parent at a later age keeps you young for longer

Vettrianofan · 05/10/2023 19:34

Luxell934 · 05/10/2023 18:33

I wouldn’t really class 31 as an older mum.

It's old if you want to have several DC.

Alika · 05/10/2023 19:34

Wow the condescension on this thread is something else.

RedToothBrush · 05/10/2023 19:35

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:53

My regret is that I feel low on energy and I feel I don't have a lot of time left to TTC the second and third DC I want.

You are unfit or unhealthy in some way then.

You aren't an older mum.

You are an average age mum.

Toseland · 05/10/2023 19:35

Actually it's not your fault - it's the fault of society. My Mum had me at 21, my parents could buy a house and settle down on one salary then, today it's a lot harder.
Oldermumhum · Today 18:32
We have stable jobs and decent Household incomes and some houses. But, I regret we kept chasing these things and feeling financially stable before we started family. We should have prioritised having a family over these things.
You did the right thing - it just takes you into your 30s.
There's no use regretting it, just make the most of what you have.

HumphreysCorner · 05/10/2023 19:36

Had my first at 33, second at 36 and third at 39, one week before my 40th birthday. Didn't feel older and still don't now they are 14, 17 and 20. They keep me young lol x

saffy2 · 05/10/2023 19:36

I had mine at 25, 34 and currently pregnant at 37, will be 38 at birth.
I asked my midwife this time if I’m old/too old and she said no.
with my first I was one of the youngest at the school gate, with my second I am around average age at the school gate, there are some a fair bit older than me. So I am expecting with my third I will be a fraction over average age at the school gate.

I am not sure why you think giving your kids financial stability is a thing to regret 😂🤦🏽‍♀️
granted I am extremely lucky, but my first was the most difficult to conceive, 7 months trying. My second was a surprise conceived on contraception. My third was conceived on the first try, at 37… I don’t think you’re pressured for time at all really. When I had my implant taken out for the third I asked the nurse if she thought I’d struggle due to my age and she said that she often has women in their 40s Starr trying and falling pregnant. I don’t know why you think 37 is too old for you to have a third! I think it’s a fairly normal age for women having multiple kids to be on their second or third. A friend of mine said to me yesterday that she was my age when she had her third too and she has four kids!!

Moveoverdarlin · 05/10/2023 19:37

Once your child starts school and groups, I think you’ll realise that in fact you are relatively young parents. In my NCT class, there were 7 women all were aged between 34 and 36 having their first. At school everyone is pretty much my age I’m 43 with a 5 and 8 year old (I had them at 35 and 38). I think your perception is quite skewed, well it is for 2023. I think the fact you’re tired is just being a Mum, whether you’re 23 or 43 it’s fucking knackering.

Vettrianofan · 05/10/2023 19:37

I know someone with 10 children. Had her first at 16. Lots of time to have a family.

EaudeJavel · 05/10/2023 19:38

MilitantMommyBFArmy4Life · 05/10/2023 19:25

You don't need to slag off younger mums to make op feel better.

If children is 'not having a chance at life' it's interesting that so many other women even bother.

Show quote history

I am not making myself feel better, or slagging off anyone. The question was not "should WOMEN do this or that", but "has anyone"? I can only talk for myself, the answer is no, for the reasons I said.

Looking at the threads of mothers drowning, bored to death in maternity leave, but not coping with full time job and children.. it's pretty clear not everyone had children at the right time in life.

ZickZack · 05/10/2023 19:38

Firstly, I don't feel like an "older" mum but I have no regrets and I'm the same age as you (first born at 31 years old, second at 34). I had a bloody good decade in my 20s full of studying, working, travelling, friends, whole decade with my husband before our first came along.
Sorry to sound harsh, op but you are not "old" and there's no point regretting the age as there is nothing you can do about it now anyway. Sounds to me like waiting to be financially stable was a smart decision and you've given your kids a better life because of it.

Sundance03 · 05/10/2023 19:38

You are not an older mum whatsoever... Had all of my DC in my 30s.in fact nearly all of my friends were mid to late 30s before they had children. Nowadays I think it's better to have security and a good life established for many reasons before you raise a family.

Vettrianofan · 05/10/2023 19:39

Moveoverdarlin · 05/10/2023 19:37

Once your child starts school and groups, I think you’ll realise that in fact you are relatively young parents. In my NCT class, there were 7 women all were aged between 34 and 36 having their first. At school everyone is pretty much my age I’m 43 with a 5 and 8 year old (I had them at 35 and 38). I think your perception is quite skewed, well it is for 2023. I think the fact you’re tired is just being a Mum, whether you’re 23 or 43 it’s fucking knackering.

I find it's usually young mums at the school playground. I am 41yo with a 6yo. But also my eldest is 16yo. I have children in-between my eldest and youngest too.

Bumcake · 05/10/2023 19:40

If this is all you have to worry about I’d say you’re doing okay. Regretting being something you’re not (an older parent) is madness.

Butterfly898 · 05/10/2023 19:41

Gosh I’m 35 and had my first at 34, I was one of the youngest on my antenatal classes. I am in London though which is a bit different maybe? I never thought of myself as old!

Channellingsophistication · 05/10/2023 19:41

i dont think being a mum at 31/32 is older at all these days. Also surely you are seeing benefits of being financially stable first…

nutbrownhare15 · 05/10/2023 19:41

I had my second at 37, I wouldn't say that's a particularly old age to have a third child. It's quite common now to have a first in late thirties or early forties, I'd say an 'older mum' would be in their forties these days

EaudeJavel · 05/10/2023 19:42

Vettrianofan · 05/10/2023 19:34

It's old if you want to have several DC.

Show quote history

20 is considered young, 40 older, but there's no lack of mum having children mid-40s, and that has been the cases for ages. We pretend that women only had children when they were barely out of their teens, that's not true, the last children were born much later.

There's no lack of data online about it.

Since when is 30s old? Plenty time to have 2, 3 or more children in your 30s?

SassiestPants · 05/10/2023 19:42

I had my 3 at exactly the same age as you've put in your OP... I have never considered myself an 'older Mum' and have never regretted a thing. As a matter of fact, we're 41 and 46 now and if my husband insisted, I'd be open to trying for a 4th 😊

thelonemommabear · 05/10/2023 19:42

31 isn't old 😂 I had twins at 38

booksandbrooks · 05/10/2023 19:42

31 makes you a very young mum at my kid's school

willWillSmithsmith · 05/10/2023 19:43

I had mine in my early forties. No issues with energy. They’re both adult now but I still don’t have an issue with energy. In fact even in my sixties I’m probably still capable of looking after young children (not obviously planning on having any 😬). I’d be concerned about having such a lack of energy in my early thirties.