Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

Over half of my friends had their kids late 30s.

I really don't think 31 is old to be having a first child. Although I do think late 30s is old to be starting out.

Aside from that, I can see both sides of this. I'm 38 now but my children are 16 and 11. I was 21 having my (unplanned) first. It was a good thing because she gave us the impetus to save and build a good life for her. We bought out first house aged 25. My husband and I kind of grew up together and i was very conscious if being a younger mum so threw everything into it (partly so as not to be negatively judged)

However, I do sometimes think "I wonder where I'd be if I focused on a career or had travelled the world etc in my 20s. How would things have ended up for me?" But it's quite fleeting and I do think it's natural to wonder what would've been if you'd done things a different way. And then i think ill be 44 when my youngest is 18, so ive still got yonks to do what i want at that point.

What's done is done and you can't change the past OP, so just focus on the future and don't worry.

I don't think that's old these days

I’m 48, my husband is 46 and our kids are 8 and 11
Not planned to intentionally be older parents, just the way things worked out. It’s all good, don’t stress yourself out!!!

Twins at 41 here. No regrets at all.

You are not remotely old. That’s why I have voted YABU. If you’d had your first in your mid 40’s then I’d understand why you might think it was a bit late. Only because I’m now nearly 50 and I know I don’t have the same energy I had at 35.

I was a career woman until 35 when I started TTC and ended up pivoting as burnt out and was really struggling to conceive. I ended up running my own biz and managing to have two kids at 37 and 40 yo. I also wish it had occurred to have them earlier, but it is what it is and they so healthy and so gorgeous if I say so myself that all I can do is feel thankful!!

Gosh I think 31/32 is pretty average age for having a first child isn’t it? Or even on the younger end of average. I was 31 when I had our eldest and turned 32 a few weeks after he was born. I felt young still and am certainly the same age / slightly younger than the school mums generally. I think it’s really important to have a child free life before having children- we went travelling, worked abroad, did mad things that wouldn’t be as easy or even possible with children in tow. I feel older now (42) but that’s what having cancer and working full time cause, not my kids (although the endless sports training taxi driving doesn’t help!).

This.
I only met my DH at 29, had my first at 32 and now second and last at 36. No regrets and I’m glad I enjoyed some traveling and adventures before kids but more importantly got into a stable place with our finances/housing/career.
I think “older mum” nowadays is more like having their first child at 40+?

You are as old as you feel.
I didn't meet the man I wanted to have children with until I was way, way past 40.

We have 1 DS, he's amazing, and from what I can tell, I'm no more tired than a younger mum, and have maybe more patience than I did when younger.
I find joy more easily and care less about what other people think.

Sadly DH has health challenges we didn't expect, but that's life. I don't regret having our boy.

Isn't the age of a FTM approx 31 so you're hardly that late.
You don't know what would have happened re house & career if you had them earlier so no point dwelling on it. Many people can't afford 2 dc let alone 3 so you must have made some right choices!

You had your first child at 32 and you're only 34 now, you're not an older mum FFS.

Hi, you’re really not old as people are having children older now due to careers, opportunities, possible fertility issues, choice, etc. I had my first two at 34 and 36. I would love one more. I’m glad I’ve had them in my 30’s as I couldn’t have been the mother that I am now back in my 20’s. However if I had a magic wand I would wish that I was everything I am now 10 years ago - wisdom, financial security, home owner, married etc. you don’t need those to have a family but for me I wanted that stability first.

31 isn't old! I was 34 when I had my first, 38 when number 2 came along. We wanted to wait till we had bought our first house and furnished it. Still able to do lots with them and was still able to run around after my DGDs when they were little.

I had first DC at 34, no regrets, I thoroughly enjoyed my twenties, travelled, bought a flat, then a house, got married first, I was ready to not prioritise me. I was also well established in a career and actually got promoted on mat leave. Also boy am i glad I didn't get pregnant with the boyfriend I had in my early twenties!!
I'm pushing 40 work, socialise, go to the gym, have plenty of energy for DC. If you don't there is something amiss at 34.
Also having a child at 32 is NOT being an older mum!

I was 33 when I conceived my first (and as it turned out, only) child. Just 34 when she was born. I've never regretted it. I'd qualified in my profession and had some experience, so once I went back to work I had more options. Same for my partner. This enabled us to both work part-time until my daughter started school. Always one of us to take her and pick her up from school. After she'd finished Reception I was able to become self-employed and that meant a lot of flexibility around school hours, school holidays etc.

I'd also done all the clubbing etc I wanted to and never felt I'd had to give anything up in order to be a parent.

Several friends my age had their first children around the same time.

You've nothing to regret.

Meh, I was wealthy, in my thirties, cracking career and an excellent set up before I had my children. No fucking way would I have embarked on it any earlier when my situation was nothing like as good.

I agree. I had my first at 35 and last at 43.

I really think this is quite a thoughtless post OP. You’re not old, and you’re financially stable with ‘some houses’. Did you not stop to think about how your post might make others feel?

I think you’re going to struggle getting advice on here about overcoming your regret, because hardly anyone is going to share the regret, given that you’re in a position most would consider fairly ideal.

Also yeah, you’ve got people’s backs up as 31 is actually on the young side for many people, so it seems disingenuous.

I regret waiting. I love being a mother and there was a hole in my life all those years I waited for it to be the right time. Turns out waiting was pointless anyway. Got my life all sorted and then my relationship tanked and I'm a single parent doing it alone. I should have just had a child and done it alone to start with.

I don't think the issue here for you is your age but that you had the opportunity to have kids at a younger age. I had my first at 27 and I often wish I started earlier as I would have loved 5 kids. But that's just life, if we started earlier, maybe we would have wishes we started later?

We have children we can love and care for and that's the most important thing.

I was 35 and 41 when I had mine. No regrets, except that I'd love to have had grandchildren sooner. But I'd have been a terrible mum when I was younger.

31 isn't late for your first child! Most of my friends weren't married by then and had kids around 35. Maybe it depends on your social circle

Please don't worry too much.

It sounds like you have been thoughtful and planned. Focus on what you're doing now and try not to regret. Use your life experience to teach your kids

You’re not an older mum? You’re pretty young for when you had your first child - surely you’re aware of this? If you had them younger then you may have found it harder to set up the stability you now had. I had mine at 38, 39, and 44, having got married at 33. I spent my 20s completing my studies, starting work as a young person in London which was brilliant, making friends for life, travelling, loads of new experiences and having tons of fun. My 30s were about my relationship/marriage and climbing the career ladder. Now I’m well into my 40s with a toddler, yes I’m more tired than when I was younger but I also manage my energy better and have more money and the perfect house for us and I feel like I’m really living a great life. I regret nothing but more importantly if I did have regrets, they are pointless unless turned into informing what your best next steps and actions are.