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Original poster

Regret being older mum

506 replies

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:27

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

OP posts:
Loopyaboutmy2boys · 06/10/2023 19:01

You are not old. You are in the middle.

I had one at just turned 34, one at 35 just before I turned 36, then another just after I turned 41 (not an intentional gap, natural killer cells caused losses until then). No regrets except wishing I had gone for tests sooner but then saying that, our third wouldn’t be the one we have now and I wouldn’t want to have missed out on our third as she’s amazing.

ChilliPB · 06/10/2023 19:02

31 isn’t old to start! Only one of my friends started before this age. Most were mid-30s/late 30s/never/not yet. 31 I would say is quite young actually!

SquashPenguin · 06/10/2023 19:06

Or you could be greatful it hasn’t taken you years and years to conceive? Imagine trying to get pregnant but you can’t, and then someone comes along on MN and says you’re an old mum. FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️

littlejlr · 06/10/2023 19:09

I was 35 when I fell pregnant, 36 when I had my daughter. There are occasions where I feel guilty, being older, but on the other hand, I don't, as when I had my daughter, was in a solid relationship. But I'm grateful to be able to have my daughter, who is eight and a half now.

dcthatsme · 06/10/2023 19:10

You're not over the hill! Loads of women start families in their late 30s. 37 is not old to have a child - whether it's a first or a third. Go for it if you feel well and fit. I was in my early 40s when I had my DC . Yes I wish I'd had them younger but I had a broken relationship under my belt and fertility issues. I am so grateful I had them in the end even if I was on the edge of my fertile years.

pineapplecrushed · 06/10/2023 19:14

30 isn't later in life. I had mine at 41. THAT is later.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 06/10/2023 19:20

I had a kid at 26 and my last at 39.
Do I regret either end of the spectrum? No. Life is all about getting on with it.
If you are both healthy and have healthy kids, food on the table and a secure roof over your head, count your blessings and get on with it.
You can't have it all. And you don't get to go back and have another go.

Grushenka · 06/10/2023 19:30

I had mine in my early-mid twenties. My life is totally different from my friends who waited until they were settled. I’m a lone parent for one, which was very predictable from the start. I started owning property later than friends, and don’t have a glittering career.

it’s great you waited, you’ve got loads to offer your kids.

Focus on the lovely things in your life, sounds like you’ve got lots of great stuff going on.

Tryingmybestadhd · 06/10/2023 19:30

Just have the child hun . I had my 3rd a few weeks before turning 40 and if I can get pregnant I will have a 4 th . I found my partner for life late and I’m much more stable financially now . Most mums in my kids school are in their 40s now with kids in early primary . It’s the norm to have kids late 30s not unusual

GreyhpundGirl · 06/10/2023 19:39

I was 43 when I had my one and only. I have no regrets- we had an amazing life before she turned up. What do you regret exactly?

MrsMarzetti · 06/10/2023 19:42

No point i regrets. I had mine very young and i am so glad i did. I was married, we had a house and i was 18. By the time i was 45 i had my life back. I have Grandchildren, life is fabulous and i hope by the time i am 70 i will have Great Grandchildren. There are pro's and cons no matter what age you have them.

simiisme · 06/10/2023 19:43

I was 35 when I had my first son, 37 for my second. I had no choice - fertility issues, but I would only have been a couple of years younger even without fertility problems as it was with my second husband.
No regrets whatsoever. My sons are fantastic young men and we have a great relationship.

Bartonzam · 06/10/2023 19:52

I am a 60 year old product of a 39 year old first time mother. Both my parents were far too old to have kids and were selfish twats leaving me caught up in the wrong generation. I was effectively an insurance policy and lived in a resentful frankly nasty environment. When you start bringing money to the house you can have a say over what goes on. Etc etc. not abusive as such just damaging. Just wanted to say think about it please.

Scotland32 · 06/10/2023 19:58

You aren’t an older mum!

CazzyM1983 · 06/10/2023 20:00

I find it hilarious that 35 is deemed old 🤣
40 year old here and pregnant with my first!
as long as you love them and keep them safe and do your best for them, age doesn’t matter.
noones life is the same. You just do what’s right for you.
Im certainly not any better off financially. I think I’m more willing to give things up for my child now. I would have hated it when I was younger 🤣 but now I’ve done all my stupid shizzle so I’m quite happy staying in and being boring 🤣🤣🤣
and I’m very healthy and hyperactive. I’m fitter now than I was when I was younger cos I now know it’s important to take care of myself.

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 06/10/2023 20:04

I had my children at the same age as you and I didn't feel 'old'. That was ten years ago and I still don't feel old now!

There's never really a right time for a baby - you just have to take a leap of faith and figure it out as you go along. If you waited for everything to be just so, you'd be waiting forever.

Having a baby at 37 is really not a big deal if you're healthy and have no fertility issues. I know lots of women who had their first babies at that age or even later and it's worked out fine.

HMW1906 · 06/10/2023 20:06

I had my 2 at 35 and 37. 4/5 in my mum friend group had their first at 35 or older and are now having their second at 37/38. My best friend had her second 2 weeks before she turned 39….she’s currently contemplating trying for a third child at 40.

I had my children later as I chose my career, to travel and financial security before having children. I don’t regret that one bit, I’m currently on maternity leave and not having to worry about paying bills whilst on maternity pay due to savings, I have a well paid job to go back to after maternity and I’ve travelled the world and have a list of places I’d love to take my children to when they are slightly older.

I know very few women that have had children before 30.

Tessabelle74 · 06/10/2023 20:11

34, 36, 37 and 42 with my 4. You're being a teensy bit ridiculous.

Aretheautumnleavesoutyet · 06/10/2023 20:13

How is that being an older mum?

I had 9 years of infertility and finally had Dd at 40, I’d so love another but I’m 45.

Dont wish to sound rude, but I don’t see the problem here, it sounds ideal, just enjoy your kids

anon666 · 06/10/2023 20:18

The ages you describe really aren't that old. 50s yes. 30s no.

EmmaPaella · 06/10/2023 20:20

32 is not old! Its middle.

MsCactus · 06/10/2023 20:21

I just had a baby at 31 in London and I was the youngest of all my NCT mum friends by about 7 years. I'm also the only one out of my friends of the same age with a baby.

I want to have three and aiming to have them age 31, 34 and 37-38.

You're not an older mum really

Sillyname63 · 06/10/2023 20:23

I am sure if you had your children at 19/21/23 you would have regretted that too. You would have thought Life was passing you by while your friends were enjoying nights out and backpacking holidays , you would have been living in a grotty flat with a crying baby a snotty toddler and be pregnant again, Life is what it is , the grass always looks greener, and "what If", is a question you will never get the answer to until someone invents a time machine. Your kids will have flown the nest by the time you are late 50s early 60s that will come around very quickly.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 06/10/2023 20:25

First you were chasing career and money which now in hindsight you regret.
Now you're chasing the ideal number of children which you believe you should have and not relishing the time and space you now have with your current children.
Maybe you just find it hard to cherish what you have.

NightandViolets · 06/10/2023 20:31

I had DC1 at 31 and was the youngest mum in my NCT group by a couple of years. These days at least round my way and among friends I think a lot of people wait till they’re 30 or older to have first kids for a range of reasons - finances, working their way up to a good career level first, meeting the right person, getting on property ladder, wanting to enjoy travelling and having fewer responsibilities in their 20s etc etc.

DC2 was born when I’d just turned 39, because of holding off because of traumatic first pregnancy followed by miscarriage and other difficult circumstances. Don’t live by regrets - you haven’t left things late by any means and there are no universal rights and wrongs, just the right time for you.