Page 13 | Regret being older mum

Oldermumhum · 2023-10-05T17:27:05+00:00

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40. I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then. Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

Ponderence · 05/10/2023 22:36

30 and 32 when I had mine. Feels old compared to some parents I guess. But yeah I had a house and a reasonable job sorted before kids which I think made everything easier. Younger friends with children seem to be struggling for £££, housing situation etc. but they’re all doing their training while they have children so I guess they’ll get to enjoy some freedom in their 40s l x

GeekyDiva80 · 05/10/2023 22:39

I don't regret it. Lived my life to the fullest. Spent my 20's and 30's traveling, building a career and having a ball. Had my 3.5 girl a month before my 40th and planning another in the next couple of months, so I will be 44, luckily I'm very fertile. My DP is much younger than me and the new baby. The will be his 1st child. He will be 28 and I I'll be 44. I'm glad I did it this way, I wouldn't have copied in my 20's.

GeekyDiva80 · 05/10/2023 22:42

Please excuse my awful typos.

Lmox · 06/10/2023 01:09

I had my first at 30, not by choice as we struggled to conceive for a few years but looking bad I’m so glad I did my twenties child free. I travelled, had fun and really invested time in my friendships and I’m so grateful to have had the time to do that. Life is different now but I’m happy.

thecatsthecats · 06/10/2023 01:18

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:32

We have stable jobs and decent Household incomes and some houses. But, I regret we kept chasing these things and feeling financially stable before we started family. We should have prioritised having a family over these things.

Or maybe you'd be posting looking back and thinking "why the fuck did I rush into having children? I should have made sure we were financially stable first".

Which certainly seems to be a popular theme amongst the strung out families I know.

AllesAusLiebe · 06/10/2023 01:33

I haven't read the full thread, but honestly, these posts piss me off. I had my DS at 35 after 6 years of infertility. I'd have loved the luxury to regret being an 'older mum'. My life is too short and too busy for such triviality.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 06/10/2023 01:35

I wish I was a bit older than I was having mine.

Codlingmoths · 06/10/2023 03:20

I don’t think that is an older mum. Older mum is 40+ in my book. I prioritised career and travel, and had my dc at 32, 35 and 38. I would have liked another one but Dh vetoed and if I weren’t 40 now I might have pushed the idea more, but apart from that very happy with how it’s panned out, and grateful for our comfortable house in a nice area.

Museya15 · 06/10/2023 08:14

As I said previously, I work in healthcare and I see toddlers and young children being left without their mothers. Cancer is becoming so prevalent in late 40s and 50s, I've never known it like this in my early career and was talking to a consultant that agrees. If you can, start a family in your younger years.

Sundance03 · 06/10/2023 08:22

I always think it's so so unfair for women, you get told in your 20s you must have a job/career and ur that too young/irresponsible to have children. To turning 30.....'when are you having children!! ... Time is running out!!! ... blah blah blah'.... As much as hate to say it (am in older mum so no judgement here) you can't argue with biology 🙈 it's only due to healthcare etc women are generally living longer.... Years ago we'd live until around 40-60 years old. So 20s are our peak times for fertility and raising children even though society makes it hard for us.

Emeraldrings · 06/10/2023 08:27

Mamai90 · 05/10/2023 22:04

Wow! That's madness!

4 children in a row with complex needs and she's in her 50s?I try not to judge other Mums but that seems really selfish. Who will care for them when she's no longer here? She'll be in her 70s when they are teenagers!

I'm having my last at 41 so I'm an older mum but I wouldn't have any more even though I likely could if I wanted to. I feel like this pregnancy has aged me several years!

Show quote history

I had two children in a row with complex needs. Do you judge everyone who doesn't have "perfect " children?
Or is it okay because I had one at 28 and the next at 40? It doesn't matter what age I had them because someone else is still going to have to look after them when I die or am no longer able to.

AlltheFs · 06/10/2023 09:17

Sundance03 · 06/10/2023 08:22

I always think it's so so unfair for women, you get told in your 20s you must have a job/career and ur that too young/irresponsible to have children. To turning 30.....'when are you having children!! ... Time is running out!!! ... blah blah blah'.... As much as hate to say it (am in older mum so no judgement here) you can't argue with biology 🙈 it's only due to healthcare etc women are generally living longer.... Years ago we'd live until around 40-60 years old. So 20s are our peak times for fertility and raising children even though society makes it hard for us.

You do realise that it was very common for women to have babies right up until menopause before contraception was widely available. Having babies in your 40’s was very common. Women had babies from marriage (often at 21) until menopause. My grandmother was the eldest of 13 with the youngest born at 47. Her mother was the middle of 18 with the eldest when she was 49 etc.
The only thing that has changed is women leaving their first later.

Sundance03 · 06/10/2023 09:54

@AlltheFs yes I am aware of this 🙄, but the percentage of babies born with disabilities, difficulties in pregnancy for the mother increases the older she gets unfortunately. Am also talking from personal experience in being in older mum myself. If you had to choose between a 20 year old something egg or a 40 something egg..🙈.

AlltheFs · 06/10/2023 10:05

Sundance03 · 06/10/2023 09:54

@AlltheFs yes I am aware of this 🙄, but the percentage of babies born with disabilities, difficulties in pregnancy for the mother increases the older she gets unfortunately. Am also talking from personal experience in being in older mum myself. If you had to choose between a 20 year old something egg or a 40 something egg..🙈.

That’s why there is additional testing.
My DD was born when I was 41.5 but we had NIPT so we could terminate if needed. Obviously not everything is tested for but the risks are vastly overstated anyway.

All my peers had babies in their 40’s, absolutely all were fine. There are increased risks but they are still proportionally very small. Miscarriage increases are more likely but live births with babies with problems are not hugely inflated.

Age is not the most significant risk factor, genetics are. All the babies born with disabilities that I know personally were all born to much younger women that didn’t opt for testing as the perceived risk is lower. It wasn’t their age that was responsible.

It’s also true of fertility, it does decrease in mid 30’s but not enough to be that significant. Most people with fertility issues discover them when they are older as that is when they try but their fertility issues are more often than not something they have always had. They didn’t magically appear at a certain age.

Also the life expectancy of women in recent history was lower largely due to the risks of dying in childbirth. Those that survived that were not dying in great numbers in their 40’s from other conditions.

Original poster

Oldermumhum · 06/10/2023 10:25

It's good to know that there are so many mums who had children in late 30s and 40s. I am still contemplating if I should stop at two or go for a third.

OP posts:

ginandtonicwithlimes · 06/10/2023 10:33

Museya15 · 06/10/2023 08:14

As I said previously, I work in healthcare and I see toddlers and young children being left without their mothers. Cancer is becoming so prevalent in late 40s and 50s, I've never known it like this in my early career and was talking to a consultant that agrees. If you can, start a family in your younger years.

All well and good knowing that but some of us did start trying in our mid twenties but due to infertility didn't have the children until my thirties. It isn't always a choice.

RiderofRohan · 06/10/2023 11:11

I'm 36 and pregnant with my first. My husband is 3 years older. I do not regret it at all, though I do understand that it limits the number of children you can have.

I spent my 20s and 30s getting a good education, travelling the world, saving for a deposit, really learning about myself and maturing as a person. Both myself and my husband are higher earners and very stable both financially and mentally. I truly believe I can give this child much more than I could have 10 years ago. Not to mention there is so much more to life than procreating, breastfeeding, sleepless nights, the school run and tantrums. And I'm glad I experienced the world, and being young and carefree before all of that.

Zonder · 06/10/2023 11:37

Oldermumhum · 06/10/2023 10:25

It's good to know that there are so many mums who had children in late 30s and 40s. I am still contemplating if I should stop at two or go for a third.

You haven't had your second yet. Wait and see how you feel after that.

mrlistersgelfbride · 06/10/2023 11:43

I was 32, closer to 33 when I had DD and I still felt like I was on the younger side.

It is average. You are definitely not an older mum at all! I know plenty of people who had children in their 40s.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 06/10/2023 15:39

@AlltheFs

You do realise that it was very common for women to have babies right up until menopause before contraception was widely available. Having babies in your 40’s was very common. Women had babies from marriage (often at 21) until menopause. My grandmother was the eldest of 13 with the youngest born at 47. Her mother was the middle of 18 with the eldest when she was 49 etc. The only thing that has changed is women leaving their first later.

You sure about that are you? All these women having babies at 49-50 years old, and many babies born when the 'mother' was 45-47? There are many many cases of women raising their teen daughter's baby, and pretending to everyone that it was their child. MANY children getting to 10-12 years old, and then discovering their mother is their nan, and their sister Shirley is their mother!!! Happened a LOT some half a century ago! (And before that...........)

I don't think as many women had babies near 50 - back in the day - as you might think. Like there aren't as many women having babies past 45 in real life, as there are on mumsnet!

Also

@Sundance03

....yes I am aware of this 🙄, but the percentage of babies born with disabilities, difficulties in pregnancy for the mother increases the older she gets unfortunately. Am also talking from personal experience in being in older mum myself. If you had to choose between a 20 year old something egg or a 40 something egg..🙈.

Agree with this totally. ^ The amount of posters who come on here championing the idea of wait to have babies past 42-43 years old, like it's the best thing ever, just baffles me to be honest. It's really not a good idea, and it's a BAD idea to present it as one! I despair. 😩

Devilsmommy · 06/10/2023 15:42

Me and husband had our first and only child when I was 36 and he was 52. You're not too d by any stretch for a third and it's good that you got financially stable first.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 06/10/2023 18:16

You can't change the past. Regrets don't help. Embrace the present and be thankful 🙏

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 06/10/2023 18:56

You do you, just don’t see the point of comparing or regretting. Enjoy what you have! 😁

JustAMinutePleass · 06/10/2023 19:00

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 06/10/2023 15:39

@AlltheFs

You do realise that it was very common for women to have babies right up until menopause before contraception was widely available. Having babies in your 40’s was very common. Women had babies from marriage (often at 21) until menopause. My grandmother was the eldest of 13 with the youngest born at 47. Her mother was the middle of 18 with the eldest when she was 49 etc. The only thing that has changed is women leaving their first later.

You sure about that are you? All these women having babies at 49-50 years old, and many babies born when the 'mother' was 45-47? There are many many cases of women raising their teen daughter's baby, and pretending to everyone that it was their child. MANY children getting to 10-12 years old, and then discovering their mother is their nan, and their sister Shirley is their mother!!! Happened a LOT some half a century ago! (And before that...........)

I don't think as many women had babies near 50 - back in the day - as you might think. Like there aren't as many women having babies past 45 in real life, as there are on mumsnet!

Also

@Sundance03

....yes I am aware of this 🙄, but the percentage of babies born with disabilities, difficulties in pregnancy for the mother increases the older she gets unfortunately. Am also talking from personal experience in being in older mum myself. If you had to choose between a 20 year old something egg or a 40 something egg..🙈.

Agree with this totally. ^ The amount of posters who come on here championing the idea of wait to have babies past 42-43 years old, like it's the best thing ever, just baffles me to be honest. It's really not a good idea, and it's a BAD idea to present it as one! I despair. 😩

I think how often you see this depends on your socioeconomic class. Wealthy women are healthier and can have children until menopause naturally or with a bit of help from ivf.

This article states the facts. The amount of mums over 45 giving birth has doubled in the last 10 years and is now even higher than the figures from 1925. (Approx 2k births a year in the UK).

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/dec/06/record-number-of-over-45s-giving-birth-in-england

Record number of over-45s giving birth in England | Pregnancy | The Guardian

More than 2,000 women aged 45 and older had babies last year, ONS figures show

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/dec/06/record-number-of-over-45s-giving-birth-in-england

Toomuchtrouble4me · 06/10/2023 19:01

I had mine at 31, 33, 42 and 44.
no regrets and had my career established, had travelled extensively and now we can provide them with great home, schools, holidays as we were sorted before we had them. I wouldn’t change a thing. But then I am in London so I know loads of mums my age with same age children.