Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

@Oldermumhum

There was nothing 'unfair' about my post FFS.

I posted pure facts about a number of young-ish women I know, who regret putting relationships and having children on hold, for a 'career' that was not what they expected. And they were sold a dream that never came true. I did say that there's nothing wrong with being mid 30s and child free, just that 7 or 8 women I know who chose a career and to buy into the dream they were sold, and put off having children, regretted it.

It seems that you have taken it personally because it's hit a nerve. Not a lot I can do about it. I'm not going to take anything back. I posted facts about a number of women aged 29-34 ish, who I know - who regretted prioritising their career at the expense of relationships and having children.

I don't understand why you are taking my post so personally, if you are gloriously and deliriously happy with your choice to leave having children to your mid 30s. As I said, I think I hit a nerve, so I will leave you to it.

First of all, OP, you are definitely not an older mum.

I don't think I've ever written this kind of post before, but you need to count your blessings; husband, home, child, and career. However hard you may have worked, an element of fortune is always there. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

Had you started a family earlier does not mean you would have been able to. Don't confuse the child you have now with the child(ren) that could have been.

Life is way too short to get eaten up with such pointless regrets.

I get it I think. I don't regret having my kids later (32 and 35). On balance it was when I wanted and it meant I had a lot of fun in my 20s, but I remember being wistful about what it would have been like if I had been in my 20s. In my 30's I didn't lack energy as such but I had lost some of my silliness. I wondered if I would have been a more fun mum in my 20's. And it does mean you limit your options to fewer children unless you can afford to have them close together.

Had my first at 34, I don’t consider myself an older mum. Your insecurities are yours alone, don’t tarnish us all with the same brush.

Where do you live that makes it seem 32 is an older mother?

My situation is different. I had two children in my 20s and my third when I 40.
I had more energy in my 20s but I have more patience now I'm older. I do worry about maybe not being around when my DS is still young although my parents are in their 80s and fairly healthy.
Ideally I think I would have liked to have DS when I was in my early 30s but then again he was a surprise baby.
Most of my friends and family didn't have children until they were in their early 30s so I think it's normal.

I do see where you're coming from OP, I'd have liked to have kids in my 20s purely to have more time with them but I was far too immature. I guess you don't know how much you'll love being a parent until it happens..I try and count my blessings that I have two wonderful children as I know many who can't conceive would swap in a heartbeat.

Oh wow, I guess I’m an ‘older mum’ too then as I’m 34 and pregnant with #2 🤣

I absolutely have no regrets, my husband and I have travelled the world together and managed to buy a house big enough to house our children. Also I feel I’m a good age to have more confidence in my parenting decisions and am willing to dedicate more time to my current child as I’ve already spent a good amount of my life partying, going to festivals and travelling so I’m more than happy to put all of that on the back burner now without resentment.

All being well, we are hoping to have a third in the future!

You’re not an older Mum 😂

I had # 1 just before I turned 36, #2 and 3 at late 37 and #4 and #5 at 39. I know that DH and I would have waited to become a little more secure financially if we had been younger, so I understand why you did what you did. I honestly have never had one minute of regret. Its been hard, really hard sometimes but never have I regretted it. Now that they are almost all out of the house, I miss the chaos terribly.

I'm sorry you feel regretful but I understand how it could happen.

YABU!!!
My mum had me at 40 and my younger brother at 41. I had my first child when I was only 16 and even then I still think you are being unreasonable to think 32 is particularly old to have your first child.

I don't think you are a particularly older mum? I think that there are plenty of people don't have their first child until their 40s.

I was 37 when I had DS. My age was one of the reasons we didn't try for a second child - but I have a friend slightly older than me who had two children after I'd had DS. I have some regret - but not a lot .

It's brilliant.

All those things that you 'can't do' or 'can't say' (like 'no'. or 'sorry, I can't help with that') when you're younger? When you're older it seems you can.

I had my first at 40 and second at 43. I think you are young.

I personally don’t regret being a (much) older mum. I wouldn’t have planned it that way but it’s just the way things worked out.

When yours are teenagers you may think thank goodness you didn’t have more 😉
but two is a good number, you can give them you’re full attention and have time for them. You will have time for yourself again as they get older
and I wouldn’t say you’re an old mum
my Nan had my mum at 43, she was fit and well into her 80s and I remember her as an active Nan in her 70s

Wow! That's madness!

4 children in a row with complex needs and she's in her 50s?I try not to judge other Mums but that seems really selfish. Who will care for them when she's no longer here? She'll be in her 70s when they are teenagers!

I'm having my last at 41 so I'm an older mum but I wouldn't have any more even though I likely could if I wanted to. I feel like this pregnancy has aged me several years!

No regrets here. Oldest DC was born when I was early 30s and DP was early 40s and youngest (now grown up) 10 years later. I would not have wanted to have children earlier.

Depends on the child. Some like my DD seemed to have more energy than several children combined when she was a toddler.

Good for you. 36 here with two kids and very low on energy!

Hi OP,

I had my first at 33, I am planning on having a second at 35 and if I’m feeling very brave maybe a third one at 37/38. I understand how you feel, sometimes I wish I started earlier too but at the same time I had a lot of fun before having children and responsibilities. I think it’s better to count your blessings, you have a beautiful family, home and financial stability and that’s amazing, you should feel proud of everything you’ve achieved. And if you’re feeling so tired, definitely get checked. I was feeling insanely tired a few months ago and found out I was vitamin B deficient. Some supplements later and I’m feeling a lot better.

@Frisate thank you 💐 Hope things work out for you as you want ❤️ I definitely need to get myself checked for iron and vitamins.

I think you're overthinking. I didn't start having kids til I was 37. Out of my mum friends I can only think of one who started younger than you. We all had a life first.

I had my children at 42, 43 and 45.

Ive never regretted being an older mum. I loved my career, my social life and my freedom., I didn’t meet my DP until I was 35 and we wanted to enjoy life and we did.

Im probably lucky because I live in the South East and most of the mums at school were mid 30s to mid 40’s when they had their children. I know several mums who had their last child at 45.

I'm so glad I'm an older mum! Had my first in mid/late thirties and I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I'd have had them younger. I had time for me, to have fun, to drink, to go on holidays, make money, spend it, and get a good career while I was waiting to start a family. I wouldn't change it.

I wonder if it's just a bit of the grass is always greener? You may not have been happier, and you might have missed out on a lot. Plus, your age is about average for where I am in the country! Definitely not classed as old :)

@AlexaCanYouHearMe

I think you're being incredibly unfair to @Oldermumhum and your post is one-sided nonsense tbh.

I posted pure facts about a number of young-ish women I know, who regret putting relationships and having children on hold, for a 'career' that was not what they expected.

These 'pure facts' may be true in your world but for every woman who has regretted putting children on hold for a career, there's ten women who thank their stars every day that they have a career and are not dependent on a man for financial security (you only have to look at the relationships boards on here to see how this can play out). Like me, for one. If I didn't have a career I would have been royally fucked when my marriage ended. I have a career that I love and a happy, healthy child. Not everyone will have a career they love but having a secure job generally puts people in a much stronger position to support the children they have, whether they are married or single.

And, for the record, a career is a real thing, it doesn't require quotation marks when applied to women.

@Oldermumhum I think you and your OH have your heads screwed on: you have worked really hard to put some financial security in place before having children which puts you in a great position to be good parents. Your regret is understandable but with a bit of perspective I think you will understand that actually you've been sensible and there's every reason to think you can have a couple more children.

Ignore the nonsense.

I would not have three kids unless I am very wealthy. Circumstances can change and the stress could be huge.